December 12, 2017

What You Don’t Know About Old Man Winter

Dear Kid,

What You Don't Know About Old Man Winter DearKidLoveMom.comWinter has arrived. And I’m pretty sure Winter isn’t happy about ending his vacation in Aruba and getting to work.

I say this because it was face freezing, finger numbing, tears streaming cold when I walked the Puppy this morning. And I don’t imagine things will improve any time soon.

Which means it is officially time to dig out the mittens, fluff up the scarves, and don the hats because being cold is not high on my happy list.

The Puppy seems pretty happy about the snow. Until the stuff they use instead of salt to melt the ice gets on his paws. Then he does his best imitation of an abandoned urchin in Oliver! Please Sir, can you clean my paw?

Once I thawed, I started thinking about winter. Why is Winter always Old Many Winter? Why does no one ever talk about Lil’ Baby Winter or The Twins of Winter? Personally, I think The Twins of Winter is perfect since it seems to take twice as long to do things when you have to don enough clothes to transform into the Michelin Man and then travel through ice and snow.

I turned, of course, to My Friend the Internet.

Turns out, just about every culture (and by “just about every culture” I mean at least three) characterize Winter as a Cranky Old Man and Spring as a Sweet Young Thang. The reason for this should be obvious: who wants to look at a Cranky Old Man in a diaphanous gown? Better he should be covered like a department store Santa. And tulips and cranky just don’t go together at all.

Must go thaw.

Love, Mom

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December 11, 2017

Some Things Are Just Plain Wrong | The Great Nose Crisis

Dear Kid,

There ought to be a law. There should probably be several, but right now I’m talking about one in particular. 

Some issues are things we can agree to have differing opinions on, like whether or not it’s OK to wear white after Labor Day or whether plain or chunky peanut butter is better.

But other things are (or at least should be) obvious. There are things that are just plain Wrong. Things that are not up for discussion or arbitration. Things that should be completely impervious to requests for mercy.

Things that can never be imagined as anything other than Morally Reprehensible. Things that should lead to immediate incarceration. And possibly a great big old fine. 

I speak, of course, of tissues the texture of sandpaper. 

Not all of us look good with a red nose. DearKidLoveMom.comI agree that there are worse things than horrible, cheese-grater-like tissues. Like using poison ivy leaves as a hanky. But overall, getting splinters in your nose from insufficiently processed wood pulp is bad.

Therefore, I say let us wage a war against those who would, with malice aforethought, render our noses redder than necessary.

Looking at you, Rec Center.

That’s right. The gym. The very place I go for health, wellness, and a good sweat foists (yes, I said foists) cardboard Kleenex on its patrons. And while I go to the gym for a bit of self torture, I do not go intending to aim that torture at my schnoz.

Just sayin’. There ought to be a law.

Love, Mom

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December 8, 2017

Hawaiian Shirts Lead to What?!

Dear Kid,

Happy Friday!

Once upon a time (I do love a story that begins that way), there was no such thing as Casual Friday.

Finally, one day, Mrs. Joe Neanderthal decided that she was tired or wearing formal saber-tooth tiger skins and declared a day off. Unfortunately, Joe Neanderthal took that to mean a day free of clothes and almost froze his whatsis off.

Eventually, people moved from from mammoth fur to power ties and three inch heels. Business attire had arrived.

Meanwhile, in 1966, the Hawaiian shirt industry was trying to sell more brightly decorated shirts (do not try to imagine Mrs. Joe Neanderthal in a Hawaiian shirt), and Aloha Friday was invented. It was a made-up reason for people to wear Hawaiian shirts on Friday (and therefore purchase more Hawaiian shirts).

The trend caught on.

Fast forward to the recession of the early 1990s. The idea of Aloha Fridays migrated to the western states and then continued to march east. Simultaneously, companies were looking for ways to give perks to employees that didn’t cost anything and voila! Casual Fridays.

All of which was fine until people tried to figure out what to wear, and people started showing up at work wearing all kinds of, um, interesting (and by “interesting” I mean way too casual) outfits.

Levi’s had at that point purchased a going-nowhere brand called Dockers which made golf course type khaki pants. In a brilliant marketing move, the Dockers people printed a little brochure showing men what to wear to work on a business casual day. They sent this brochure to HR people who could then show inept dressers how to dress in a more ept way.

These days, almost every day is business casual in the majority of businesses. Yet we still talk about Casual Friday. Let me know if you figure that out. In the meantime, have a great Friday.

Love, Mom

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December 7, 2017

No Man Is an Island in the Ohio River

Dear Kid,

We were talking about the Ohio River at lunch yesterday.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. John Donne. DearKidLoveMom.comNMore specifically, we were on a boat (the big kind where there’s neither wind nor destination) cruising on the Ohio River and I was sharing (and by “sharing” I mean inflicting upon people) information about the river.

Person 1: So you’re the resident expert on the Ohio River?
Person 2: Yep.
Person 3: She is.
Person 4: Uh-huh.
Me: Pretty much.
Person 1: It’s made of water.

Don’t you love intellectual conversations?

Person 3: Do you know the name of the island in the Ohio River?
Person 1: …
Person 2: …
Me: There are islands in the Ohio River?

Turns out there are 39 islands in the Ohio River (did you know that? I didn’t.). Some are private; some are federally owned and part of the Ohio River Island National Refuge. Dad knew that part.

The Ohio River Islands National Wildlife Refuge was established in 1990 to protect, conserve, and restore habitat for wildlife native to the river’s floodplain. The refuge consists of twenty-two islands and four mainland tracts scattered along 362 miles of the upper Ohio River. Most of the refuge’s 3440 acres of land and underwater habitat are located in West Virginia; however, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky each have two refuge islands.

Then we had cheesecake and the conversation moved on to sheep.

Love, Mom

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December 6, 2017

More About the Ohio River Than You Really Need to Know

Dear Kid,

You’ve heard of the Ohio River. But do you know about it?

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday in Ohio. DearKidLoveMom.comWell, of course you do, but I’m going to tell you about it anyway.

The Ohio River springs into existence in Pittsburgh where the Allegheny and Monongahela rivers collide. The Ohio is 981 miles long, ending in Cairo, Illinois, after passing through (or being the border of) six states.

I’ll wait while you try to remember what they are.

Its largest tributary is the Tennessee River, but there are plenty of other tributaries along the way.

The Ohio River is the source of drinking water for more than 3 million people. Most of them prefer that it passes through a water treatment facility before being poured into their drinking cups.

There are currently 20 dams on the Ohio River watched over and managed by the Army Corps of Engineers. The first locks on the river (the Louisville and Portland Canal) were built between 1825 and 1830 at the only major natural navigational barrier on the river, the Falls of the Ohio near Louisville. The Falls (it sounds so grand, doesn’t it?) were a series of rapids where the river dropped 26 feet in about 2 miles.

Everybody knows fish blow bubbles. Just ask any kid to draw a fish. There will be bubbles. DearKidLoveMom.comApproximately 164 species of fish have been found in the Ohio River (not all of them at the same time). In the early 19th century, many pirates were also found on the river (they weren’t nearly as nice as the fish).

80 species of mussels once lived in the Ohio River. Currently only 50 species occur and 5 of those are in danger of extinction.

There are fish consumption advisories in place for the entire length of the river. Basically, don’t fish in the river if you’re looking for lunch.

Love, Mom

The Ohio River flows through or borders six states: Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia.

Want to know more about the Ohio River? Read more here.

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December 5, 2017

Interesting Facts About December That (Mostly) Aren’t About Christmas

Dear Kid,

Happy December. Interesting Facts About December That Are (Mostly) Not About Christmas. DearKidLoveMom.comIt’s December (you probably knew that, but it’s possible you weren’t paying attention). There’s a lot of focus on The Holiday Season at this time of year, but there are other reasons that December is interesting. Being the kind of mom I am, I decided to ferret some of those Lesser Known Factoids for you.

A group of ferrets is called a “business.” I don’t know why, but I promise I’m not giving you the business by telling you that.

December is the twelfth last month of the year (which you know). But “deci” means “ten”, so what’s up with that nonsense? Turns out that December was the 10th month of the year when the Romans started naming things. Apparently January and February didn’t count as months back then (which you would have known if you’d been alive then. But you weren’t.).

The song “Jingle Bells” was written in 1857 and was meant to be a song for Thanksgiving rather than Christmas. (Imho, it should have stayed with Turkey Day because there aren’t many good Thanksgiving songs.)

December is best known for the holiday season (by which of course I mean National Fruitcake Month, National Eggnog Month, National Tie Month, and National Pear Month). No one cares about National Tie Month. Not all that many people care about National Fruitcake Month either.

Not only do we celebrate the inedibility of fruitcake in December, we also celebrate Light (as in all the festivals of), lack of light (as in the shortest days of the year), and shopping. Therefore, it should be no surprise to you that December is the month when couples argue the most. No light, no cash, no idea what to do with the fruitcake = fighting.

In the UK, more people are given breathalyzer tests in December than in any other month. This also leads to arguing. But with cooler accents that we have.

Saint Nickolas (who later became the jolly old elf know as Santa Claus) was the patron saint of children, thieves, and pawnbrokers. I’ll wait while you think about that for a minute.

According to a study done in 2011, more dentists have birthdays in December than in any other month. I have no idea what that means.

The stock market tends to do well in December (a phenomena affectionately called the Santa Rally). This is not a recommended way to plan an investing strategy.

December throws the biggest party any month ends with—New Year’s Eve.

Hope December is a good month for you.

Love, Mom

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December 4, 2017

Puppy, Mutts, and National Mutt Day

Puppy, Mutts, and National Mutt Day

Dear Kid,

Just in case you weren’t paying attention, this past Saturday was National Mutt Day, a holiday to “raise awareness of the plight of mixed breed dogs in shelters.”

Puppy: What’s a “mutt”?
Me: It’s when something is not all the same.
Puppy: Like our silverware.
Pi: He’s right. There are a lot of mis-matches in there.
Me: I prefer to think of it as getting away from being too matchy-matchy.
Puppy: Like a mutt.

In general, mixed breed dogs tend to be healthier, more flexible, and better behaved than purebreds.

Pi: Right up to the point they encounter another dog who is very sweet and just wants to take a nap rather than playing. Looking at you, short stuff.
Puppy: I am a good boy.
Pi: Keep telling yourself that.

Mixed breeds are often trained for performances and working (bomb and drug sniffing, search and rescue, guide dog, etc.). Those jobs used to be for purebred animals but the roles are now often filled by mixed breed.

Puppy: I work.
Me: You do not work.
Puppy: I work very hard!
Me: And I repeat. You do not work.
Puppy: Well, I could work if I wanted to.
Pi: Keep telling yourself that.

About 80% of the dogs in shelters are mixed breeds.

Puppy: What’s a “mixed breed”?
Pi: A mutt.
Puppy: Synonyms are hard.

Love, Mom

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