Dear Kid,

What I Learned from My Brief (very) Stint (Ha!) as a Television Personality.

1. Some green rooms (the place you wait before you go “on”) are green. Some are not. Some green rooms are just the corner of the set.
2. It is amazing how many different looks get crammed into a studio. (The actual number is 453 according to a recent study I made up.)
3. It’s better if you actually know the price of the tickets in case someone asks you on air. When you overstate the ticket price by 50₵, someone (Dad) is liable to say something (a LOT) about it.
4. Women who work behind the camera are teeny little people (I saw two and therefore can state this generalization with supreme confidence). Their size and gender has absolutely no bearing on their ability to do their job.
5. People who are actual TV Personalities are very good at making their guests feel welcome and relaxed. At least the ones I met.
6. The people who work behind the scenes are very good at making their guests feel welcome and relaxed. At least the ones I met.
7. No one hangs around to chat with you before the segment. No one hangs around to chat with you after the segment unless they are seriously into coffee (which means everyone hangs around afterward).
8. Being on air for several seconds does not make one instantly recognizable in Kroger. I do not have to worry about changing my name or hair color.
9. Elves do not rush over to clean up the house just because one appears briefly on TV.
10. It is better (much) to be on TV for something like the Cincinnati Coffee Festival than for many of the things people are on TV talking about.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There I was, happily working, typing away (I was once told I type mistakes per minute faster than almost anyone else) when a small notice popped up on the corner of my laptop. It said something about the HP not working which I assumed meant that the laptop couldn’t find the old printer (we just switched printers recently) so I did the only reasonable thing and ignored the message.

Isn’t that the right way to approach all technology problems? Keep working and hope they go away.

This picture has nothing to do with the post, but it was dang cute.

The next morning, the message popped up again.

Dang, my strategy didn’t work.

More importantly, my laptop wasn’t charging. Even I know that’s not good. So I paid attention to the message and discovered it was talking about my charging cord.

Really not good.

After teaching the puppy a few new unprintable words, I unplugged my useless cord, threw it in the car, and after work I zipped over to Microcenter to purchase a replacement.

Drive home, walk dog, plug in computer, feed dog, contemplate dinner, open computer, and discover that the charger isn’t working and the same awful message is popping up.

Freak out.

Spend 8 minutes 34 seconds on hold imagining that I will have to spend $1,000 to buy a new laptop.

Hang up on “hold” and freak out again.

Throw cord, packaging, and laptop in a bag and drive over to Microcenter so I can freak out in person.

Fortunately, Geoff the Microcenter Guy was kind, patient, and adept. Which is to say he didn’t let my  freak out get in the way of reality and he solved all the world’s problems (and by “all the world’s problems” I mean he convinced the charger-thing to charge the laptop. Yay and hallelujah!

Buying a new charger cord is so much better than having to buy a whole new laptop.

Whew! And thank you, Geoff.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Me: Why do dogs turn around before they settle down to sleep?
Pi: That’s a good question.
Puppy: No it’s not.
Me: It’s not?
Puppy: No.
Pi: Why isn’t it a good question?
Puppy: The good question is, “Why don’t you turn around before you go to sleep?”
Me: That is a good question.
Pi: No it’s not.
Me: It’s not?
Pi: No.
Puppy: Why isn’t it a good question?
Pi: If Mom turned around before she went to sleep, she’d get dizzy and fall over.
Puppy: True.
Me: Wait a minute!
Puppy: You can’t argue that.
Me: Can we please go back to the original question?
Puppy: The bad question?
Me: MY question. And I’m holding the treats.
Puppy: The Brilliant question.
Pi: Way to stand by your opinion.
Me: So why do dogs turn around before they settle down to sleep?
Puppy: There are several theories.
Pi: Like…?
Puppy: The most popular is that we turn around to flatten down the grass and make a little nest to sleep in.
Pi: … you do realize there’s no grass inside the house, right?…
Puppy: Another theory is that is that we turn around to look in all directions for enemies.
Pi: …would that be the squirrels outside or the TV in the family room?…
Puppy: Yet another theory is that we turn around to find our teddy bears.
Pi:…wait, what?
Puppy: But the real reason
Me: Yes?
Puppy: Is that it’s fun.
Pi: And makes people curious.
Puppy: Well, yeah that goes without saying.

Love, Mom

 
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Dear Kid,

To recap the weekend.

The Bengals. Painful. Just painful to watch. In case you missed it (be thankful), there was fighting—as in it looked like a hockey game broke out on the field (no, I don’t think it looked like mixed martial arts). People were ejected. Commentators had explosive coronaries.

Speaking of painful to watch, I was on TV (I do not like to be in front of cameras). David (from La Terza Coffee) and I got up at (insert ungodly hour of the morning) and went down to WLWT to talk about the Cincinnati Coffee Festival. Dad said we were awesome, so I’m going with that. Of course, we were followed by puppies (seriously—tiny balls of fur were showing off their adorableness before their adoption event) and it’s pretty much impossible to compete with puppies.

I did not adopt one. But it was a struggle.

I’m going to be on TV again today on a different channel with a different coffee vendor. Hopefully no puppies and no struggling to walk away without taking one home.

Equally as difficult was sleeping. There was a storm. Complete with warnings (Flash Flood Warning, Severe Thunderstorm Warning, Tornado Warning, Unhappy Puppy Being Walked in the Rain Warning—you name it, we were warned).

On the plus side, it was clock changing weekend. I love having an extra hour. I usually spend it doing something wildly self-indulgent. This year, I spent it watching the Bengals implode. That was not self-indulgent. It was more ex-dulgent.

Also on the plus side: snoring Puppy. It is one of the most wonderful sounds in the world. And since he snored on and off all day, it was more than enough to satisfy my extra hour happiness quota.

Hope you enjoyed your extra hour.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We’re busy getting ready for the Cincinnati Coffee Festival (the world’s coolest event November 11-12 at Cincinnati Music Hall–buy tickets here). Which means we are thinking about….wait for it….coffee.

Coffee can make people do, um, interesting things.

Napoleon Bonaparte asked for a spoonful of coffee while on his deathbed, and his autopsy revealed coffee grounds in his stomach. He once said, “I would rather suffer with coffee than be senseless.” That’s pretty much how I feel every morning.

Coffee is used in all kinds of sayings. In baseball, a player with a “cup of coffee” is one who has played only one game in the majors as either a pitcher or a batter. (Did you know that? I didn’t think so.)

Some people drink coffee. Some people drink a lot of coffee. Some people drink a LOT of coffee. Like Honoré de Balzac (the early 19th century French author) who reportedly drank 50 cups of coffee a day. Most people would agree that is a ridiculous amount. It’s a good thing Balzac didn’t get $9 lattes.

Some people drink coffee black. Others don’t. Søren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher, drank a lot of coffee. He would pour sugar into the coffee cup until it was piled up above the rim, then add incredibly strong, black coffee, which slowly dissolved the sugar. Then he’d gulped the whole thing down in one go. Have a little coffee with your sugar.

And some people think coffee is more than coffee, it’s their own personal canvas. 

Love, Mom

This was supposed to publish on 10/31 but apparently didn’t. So pretend it’s a day or two ago….

Dear Kid,

It’s Halloween!

I was going to write a blog about the best Halloween costumes for college age kids, but A) I’ve done that and B) once you are college age and decide to dress up, you’re awesome, so who cares who’s best?

Then I thought I’d write a blog about the best Halloween candy. But A) I ate it all and B) there are lots of good kinds of Halloween candy (chocolate) and lots of meh Halloween candy (lollipops and Good and Plenty) but there generally isn’t GREAT Halloween candy (the really, really good chocolate). Also, if you’re in college and you’re dressing up, it’s a fair bet that your Halloween candy comes in a pint glass with a foamy top.

Then I thought I’d write a blog about the best Halloween pumpkins. But nothing can top helping you cut up a jack-o-lantern when you were little (wearing an apron and standing on a chair so you could reach inside to scoop it out), so been-there-done-that.

Besides, I broke a nail today, so I’m on the injured reserved list (see how I made a sports reference? Extra points for me!).

Have a wonderful, boo-filled, ghost-inhabited, candy-complete, costumed-out, batty Halloween!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The tally:

14 ghosts

3 pirates

1 melted ice cream cone

2 roller skaters

A gaggle of witches

4 pumpkins

A graveyard of mummies, zombies, and vampires

5 super heroes

Too many princesses to count

1 dinosaur

A puppy

28 costumes I couldn’t identify

Barking every time someone came to the door

Cooing over the Puppy every time someone came to the door

483 pounds of chocolate

Happy Halloween!

Love, Mom