Puppy

May 24, 2017

Puppy Conversations | Someone Needs Attention

Puppy Conversations | Someone Needs Attention

Dear Kid,

And there I was at 10:45pm listening to Dad snore gently as I watched sheep race up to fence, then stop and enter into a philosophical discussion about whether they were being kept in or out. DearKidLoveMom.comPuppy: ‘Scuse me, ‘scuse me, Puppy coming through.
Me: Am I in your way?
Puppy: Not exactly.
Me: “Not exactly” because you’re climbing into my lap?
Puppy: That’s where the attention is.
Me: And you need attention?
Puppy: Exactly.

 

Me: Can I help you, sir?
Puppy: I need attention.
Me: What kind of attention do you need?
Puppy: What kind of attention you got?
Me: I have snuggling attention. Will that work?
Puppy: I was hoping more for a good scratch behind the ears kind of attention.
Me: I think I can make that work.

 

Me: Where are you going?
Puppy: To take a nap.
Me: I thought you needed attention.
Puppy: I did. Now I need a nap.
Me: I feel abandoned.
Puppy: You’re not a very good pillow.

Love, Mom

 
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May 9, 2017

Puppy Conversations | In Which We Learn About Corgis

Dear Kid,

Puppy: What are you doing?
Me: I was looking at things on my computer.
Puppy: Was?
Me: Now you’re in my way.
Puppy: We can watch together.
Me: That would be easier if you weren’t in my way.
Puppy: Not for me.

Puppy Conversations | In Which We Learn About Corgis DearKidLoveMom.comPuppy: So what are you looking at?
Me: Corgis.
Puppy: Am I a Corgi?
Me: You are not.
Puppy: How can you tell?
Me: Corgis have stumpy little legs.
Pi: He has stumpy little legs.
Puppy: I love my legs! They reach all the way to the ground!
Me: Corgis have ears that stick up.
Pi: Yep. Your ears definitely do not stick up, buster. You have very floppy ears.
Me: Corgi butts are called momos.
Puppy: What?
Pi: What? They have a special butt name? That’s ridiculous!
Puppy: I want a special butt name.
Kid: Your special butt name is butt-head.
Pi: Why do they have a special butt name?
Me: Momo means “peach” in Japanese. Apparently, Corgi butts look like peaches.

Everyone falls on the floor laughing at the idea of peach butts and furry Corgi peach butts.

Me: Corgis are herding dogs.
Puppy: What?
Pi: I heard you.
Puppy: I herd you.
Me: Because they are so low to the ground, Corgis would herd cattle by nipping at their ankles.
Puppy: It’s herdly surprising.
Everyone falls back to the floor making herd puns.

Me: When a Corgi flops on the floor, it’s not called flopping, it’s called “splooting.”

Everyone is laughing too hard to breathe.

Pi: I thought I herd you say splooting?!
Me: You did indeed.
Pi: I never knew Corgis were this funny.
Puppy: Sploot! Sploot!

Puppy: I think I look like the puppy in the picture. Maybe I really am a Corgi.
Pi: Your coloring is similar, but really you’re much more handsome.
Puppy: Oh. Well, that’s ok then.

Love, Mom

 
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May 2, 2017

Puppy Conversations | Melting In The Rain

Puppy Conversations | Melting In The Rain

Dear Kid,

Puppy Conversations: What Your Pet Wants You to Know (Conversations with the Dog) by Judi Cogen is here! Details coming soon. DearKidLoveMom.comMe: Come on, Puppy, it’s time for a walk.
Puppy: I don’t think so.
Me: What do you mean? It’s time for a walk.
Puppy: I have very good hearing.
Me: Then let’s go.
Puppy: And it sounds like rain.
Me: You’ll live, let’s go.
Puppy: And I have very good sniffing.
Me: Right. You love to sniff. Let’s go.
Puppy: And it smells like rain.
Me: Time for a walk. Hup to it.
Puppy: I don’t like rain.
Me: And yet, still, it is time for a walk.
Puppy: What we have here, is a failure to communicate.
Me: No more late night movies for you. Move it.

 

Puppy: You’re weird.
Me: Um, thank you? What are you talking about?
Puppy: You make me take baths.
Me: Oh, yes.
Puppy: You don’t take baths.
Me: I shower.
Puppy: You don’t invite me.
Me: Correct.
Puppy: Do you get wet in the shower?
Me: Yes. Water, soap, shampoo, the whole bathing experience.
Puppy: That’s my point.
Me: You lost me there, kiddo. What’s your point?
Puppy: That you don’t melt.
Me: We’re talking about melting?
Puppy: When we go out in the rain, you put on boots, and a jacket, and take a little house
Me: Umbrella?
Puppy (continuing): and make sure you don’t get wet. I get wet in the rain.
Me: Ah.
Puppy: I thought maybe you melted in rain.
Me: Well, rain water is different than shower water.
Puppy: WHAT?
Me: Just teasing. I don’t melt.
Puppy: Good to know.

Love, Mom

 
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April 27, 2017

Puppy Conversations | Puppy Meets a Baby (and It Doesn’t Go Well)

Puppy Conversations | Puppy Meets a Baby (and It Doesn’t Go Well)

Dear Kid,

Last night, Kenzie brought her new baby over to meet us. Baby is a 5-week-old adorable little girl.

Puppy Conversations #PuppyConversations DearKidLoveMom.comWhen they got here, the Puppy rushed to greet them.

Puppy: I know you! You take care of me sometimes. Hello, hello, h…wait, something smells different. What is in the package?
Me: It’s a baby seat, not a package.
Puppy: I don’t know what a baby seat smells like, but I don’t think that’s right.
Me: This is Kenzie’s Baby.
Puppy: Hi Baby. Want to see my new bunny toy?

The Puppy fetched his bunny. I took the Baby out of her carrier. Kenzie fixed the Baby’s formula and let me feed her. The Puppy went nuts with jealousy.

Puppy: Pay attention to Me.
Me: I’m feeding the Baby.
Puppy: I’m the Baby. Pay attention to me.
Me: You’re adorable. The most magnificent four legged creature in the house. Settle down.
Puppy: ME. ME. ME!
Me: Go say hello to Kenzie.
Kenzie: Come here, silly.
Puppy: Pay attention to ME!!!
Kenzie: I can’t believe how jealous he is.
Me: Take your feet off the furniture.
Puppy: This is awful. I’m going inside.
Kenzie: He’s sulking!
Puppy: I’m not sulking. Don’t talk to me.
Kenzie: Poor Puppy.
Baby: Gerkljugh.
Me: Silly, isn’t he?
Kenzie: Oh, look. He came back. And he’s tearing all the stuffing out of his hedgehog.

Puppy (muttering under his breath and punctuating every word with another tuft of hedgehog stuffing): I. Am. The. Baby. No. Other. Babies. I am supposed to be the focus of attention.

Me: And you’re wonderful. And so is the Baby.
Puppy: But you’re paying attention to the Baby-thing and not to me.

Kenzie and talked about the Baby and being a new Mom. The Puppy poked me repeatedly. Then he went under my chair and popped me in the tush. Repeatedly. When that didn’t do much, he returned to poking me.

Eventually, the Baby decided to fuss a little and I handed her back to her Mom.

Which left my hands free to pet my baby.

Puppy: Which is more like it should be.
Me: Would you like to see the Baby?
Puppy: Of course not. Show me.
Me: This is the Baby.
Puppy: Sort of cute. She’s not staying, is she?
Me: Just for a little while.
Puppy: But not forever, right?
Me: No, not forever. Just for a little while.
Puppy: Well, ok then.

Love, Mom

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April 22, 2017

The Difference Between the Puppy and a Canada Goose

Dear Kid,

The 11 year-old Puppy weighs 20 pounds, most of it fluff, love, and napping.

A Canada goose weighs approximately 7 to 12 pounds, mostly poop and aggressiveness and all of it obnoxious.

A Canada goose weighs approximately 7 to 12 pounds, mostly poop and aggressiveness and all of it obnoxious. DearKidLoveMom.com

The Puppy has been adopted for life.

Canada geese mate for life.

The Puppy is the baby.

Baby Canada geese are called goslings and are adorable. They learn to swim when they are less than a day old and they learn to fly when they are between 2-3 months old. The big problem with goslings is they grow up to be geese.

The big problem with goslings is they grow up to be geese. DearKidLoveMom.com

When the Puppy feels threatened, he bares his teeth and growls and then tucks his head when he is reminded that this is unflattering behavior.

When a C. goose is threatened, it will stretch out its neck, honk, and strut out into the middle of the road. The goose regains its sense of self by exercising its power to stop traffic for miles.

The Puppy eats his food and treats and whatever else he can get his little muzzle on.

Canada geese eat mostly green stuff (grasses, plants, moldy pizza left over from last month’s frat party) and occasionally insects or some fish (generally the anchovies on the pizza).

The Puppy migrates from his pillow to the dining room floor and back again.

Canada geese migrate so that they can fly in their famous V formations. Also because it’s hard to find aquatic plants for lunch when the aqua in question is completely frozen.

Puppy poop goes in the garbage can.

Geese’s pieces do not. Which is often a problem.

Love, Mom

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April 13, 2017

Puppy Conversations | Diversity and Being Feline Friendly

Puppy Conversations | Diversity and Being Feline Friendly

Dear Kid,

Puppy: Mom. I need to talk to you.
Me: Ok, just give me a few minutes.

The Puppy climbed up into my lap and stared straight into my eyes.

Puppy: Now.
Me: Now is good.
Puppy: I think there’s something wrong with me.
Me: Where? Where does it hurt? Let me see your tummy. Does your tummy hurt?
Puppy: Not that kind of wrong.
Me: Do you want to tell me about it?
Puppy: No. Yes. No. I think so. I’m confused.
Me: Sometimes if you’re confused about something it helps to talk about it.
Puppy: Is it wrong that I am friends with a cat?
Me: Why would you think that?
Puppy: Roxie says dogs are supposed to chase cats not be friends with them.
Me: What do you think?
Puppy: Well, I like Cobra.
Me: You and Cobra the Cat have been friends for a long time.
Puppy: But I’m friends with Roxie too.
Me: And it matters to you what Roxie thinks?
Puppy: Well, kind of…what do you think?
Me: I think maybe it matters more what you think.
Puppy: I want to be friends with everyone!
Me: That’s a really nice idea.
Puppy: What if Roxie teases me?
Me: It can be hard if someone (somedog?) teases you, can’t it?
Puppy: I don’t like being teased.
Me: Does Roxie tease you often?
Puppy: No…just today about being friends with a cat.
Me: I see.
Puppy: So what do I doooooooo?
Me: Please don’t howl in my ear.
Puppy: Sorry. But this is very hard.
Me: I know, honey. But I think you and Roxie are good enough friends that you can explain to her.
Puppy: Explain what?
Me: Well, I think you can explain that you’re friends with Cobra. And you can also explain that you don’t like when Roxie teases you about being friends with a cat.
Puppy: Because I like cats.
Me: Because you like cats.
Puppy: Meow.
Me: That doesn’t really work for you.
Puppy: Woof?
Me: Be you.
Puppy: Scratch my tummy?
Me: You got it.

Love, Mom

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