Puppy

Wrangling the Wild Paperwork

Dear Kid,

It’s paperwork day.

Actually, it’s make cookies, go to a meeting, consider going to the gym, cook for the week, clean up the kitchen, brush the dog, write some blogs, and paperwork day, but it’s the paperwork that I am determined to confront head on.

The rest of it will happen. Probably. But the paperwork is likely to resist being completed.

Papers resist all efforts to corral them into one place. Their collective weight is like that of a black hole, just sucking energy from the surrounding area. DearKidLoveMom.comHave you ever tried to wrangle paperwork you’ve gotten behind on? Wild west movies and the stampede in the Lion King don’t prepare you for taking on the inertia of sulky paperwork.

First, the papers resist all efforts to corral them into one place. Their collective weight is like that of a black hole, just sucking energy from the surrounding area.

The paperwork raises baby papers (receipts and other small items) to act like spies and infiltrate seemingly benign piles of paper. They learn to hide, to blend in with the local scenery (You needed that scrap of paper? I recycled it last week!). The paperwork as a whole is strong enough for advanced mind control techniques (“Where is the receipt for X?” “I gave it to you.” “Nope, you didn’t.” “Well, I dunno.”).

Once you convince the majority of the papers to Sit! Stay! they call in reinforcements called “distractions.” (MOM!! The timer just beeped! MOM!! Can you help me with this? Sweetie! Phone is for you! Mom—rub my tummy!)

Some distractions are easier to ignore than others.

An amazing thing happens though once you record the important information and file each piece of paper. An amazing calm settles over each little scrap and each page. Once in their assigned folders, they stop calling out for chaos in the world and move to a life of retired peace.

It’s our job to help them move on to this happier state.

And today, I’m determined—bound, set, and determined—to make progress.

Probably.

After the cookies.

And a few phone calls.

And a tummy rub for the puppy.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Kid Moves Into First Apartment

Dear Kid,

Puppy: Mom?
Me: Mmmm?
Puppy: MOM?
Me: Mmmm?
Puppy: What’s wrong?
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: I think you’re in a Mood. Only I don’t recognize this Mood. What’s wrong?
Me: Oh, sweetie, nothing is wrong exactly
Puppy: What is wrong inexactly?
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: Did you make a mess in the kitchen? I can help clean up.
Me: No, baby, for the moment there is no mess
Puppy: Are you sick? Do you need a treat? I would like a treat. Maybe you should give me a treat so you feel better.
Me: No treats
Puppy: What is this Mood?
Me: The Kid moved into his new apartment
Puppy: And that makes you sad?
Me: A little sad, a little happy, a little proud, a little regretful
Puppy: That’s confusing. No wonder I didn’t recognize your Mood. Will it help if I lick your face?
Me: It might
Puppy: What is a new apartment?
Me: It’s his home for a while
Puppy: This is his home
Me: Yes, but it’s his home while he’s at school
Puppy: Didn’t he have a home last year?
Me: Well, yes, but then it was dorm
Puppy: And a dorm is a different home than a new apartment?
Me: Yes
Puppy: Does it still have roommates?
Me: Yes
Puppy: Does it still have a bed?
Me: Yes
Puppy: Does he still do homework there?
Me: Yes
Puppy: Does he still come here for vacation?
Me: Yes
Puppy: Are you still paying for it?
Me: Yes
Puppy: Sounds the same to me
Me: I think that’s part of what makes it complicated. It’s different, but it’s not different
Puppy: Do you still love him?
Me: Of course
Puppy: Does he still love us?
Me: Of course he does
Puppy: Not different
Me: Except that it is
Puppy: Rub my tummy

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Going to the Vet

Dear Kid,

Today was Going to the Vet Day. Nothing is wrong with the Puppy; it’s just time for his annual visit.

Me: OK, baby, time to wake up. Give me one minute and then we’ll go
Puppy: Go? Go? We’re going somewhere? I love going somewhere. Let’s go! Let’s go!
Me: Hang on, baby. Let me get the keys
Puppy: Keys means the car! I love the car! Let’s go in the car! Car! And you’re taking treats! Treats and car! Treats and car! This is fantastic! What is taking you so long!
Me: You need a leash baby. Come here
Puppy: Of course I need a leash! Put on the leash! We have to go somewhere

A hyper puppy and I drove to the vet. When we got out of the car, he began sniffing.

Puppy: This is a great somewhere! There is so much to sniff! My nose is so excited!!!

We spent about 5 minutes sniffing and smelling and investigating and cataloging and listening and sniffing again.

There's a lot to sniff before we go into the vet. DearKidLoveMom.comThen we went inside.

Puppy: I know this place. They have treats.
Vet Tech: Let’s get you weighed
Puppy: Wait?
Me: Up here
Puppy: She said we have to get me wait. I’m waiting.
Me: Up.
Vet Tech: Good boy. Let’s go into this room now.
Puppy: Come on, Mom. We’re going in here to see someone new
Me: Okey dokey
Puppy: I will sniff the room
Me: Let me know if you find anything interesting
Puppy: Very interesting! Very interesting! I think there are treats up here

I am a good boy at the vet. Can I have a treat? Puppy Conversations. DearKidLoveMom.com
Vet Tech2: Hi Puppy. Let’s take you back for bloodwork.
Puppy: I’m not going through THAT door. That’s the ouch door.
Vet Tech2: We could go this way
Puppy: I like THIS way. See ya’ in a bit, Mom

And off he went.

After a few minutes, back he came.

Puppy: They tricked me
Me: I suspected that might happen
Puppy: We went out THIS door and still went to the ouch place

At that point the vet came in. The Puppy planted himself between my legs and the wall.

Vet: Why don’t you put him up here on the table since he’s hiding down there
Puppy: No thanks
Me: Up you go
Puppy: Up here under protest
Me: You’re a good boy
Vet: Yes, he is
Puppy: Yes, I am. But I’m not happy

The vet checked all his various bits and pieces and parts. We discussed his scratching (we’re going to try Benadryl). And then it was time for his shot.

The boy was pressing against me, but standing very still. The vet pinched a tiny bit of tushy skin and popped the shot in. He didn’t react. At all. She put down the syringe and picked up the second one that contained his oral meds.

And the Puppy yelped. Yelped more than once. Tried to climb onto the top of my head.

Puppy: That hurt! That hurt! Mom, she hurt me! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Vet: Talk about delayed reaction!
Me: You’re scratching me. Calm down
Puppy: Let me out of here! She hurt me! I am not happy!
Vet: Here’s the second one
Puppy: That is not a treat
Vet: You’re all set
Me: Come on, little guy
Vet Tech: Hi Puppy. How did it go?
Puppy: I was a good boy. No problems. Can I have a treat?

While I settled the bill (and by “settled the bill” I mean paid an amount that would feed a small country for a week), he happily explored the entire waiting room and greeted some of his adoring public.

He is now sleeping. It was a very tiring experience.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Puppy Rolls in Something Dead

Dear Kid,

When I got home last night, I said hi to Dad, and hi to the Puppy, and “What did This Dog roll in?”

Dad: He’s stinky?
Me: No…
Dad: How do you know he rolled in something?
Me: He’s. Filthy.
Dad: Really? I didn’t notice
Me: Our dog is tan and white. This animal, who has the general shape and attitude of our Puppy, is black and grey. How did you not notice?
Dad: I just didn’t. I wiped his paws when we came in from outside
Puppy: Outside? I like outside
Me: You wiped his paws. You missed his entire body but got his paws. How?? I have no words…You, little boy. Let’s get you cleaned up.
Puppy: I thought we were going outside
Me: Not at the moment. You are filthy. Come here
Puppy: What does “filthy” mean?
Me: It means you need to get cleaned up
Puppy: What is That Thing? I don’t think I like it
Me: It’s a wash cloth. It won’t hurt
Puppy: It doesn’t look like a treat
Me: Come here, baby, it’s just a washcloth
Puppy: It doesn’t smell like a treat either
Me: We need to get you cleaned up
Puppy: I think I will just sit here and stare at you
Me: I have treats
Puppy: You what?
Me: Atta boy
Puppy: I am a good boy
Me: Yes, you—holy moly, what on earth did you roll in?

The minute I touched the black on his fur, the air became perfumed. And by “perfumed” I mean stank to high heaven. Clearly, the boy had rolled in something dead. Very dead. Dead and rotting. Which had then dried on him. As I rehydrated the very dead and rotting whateveritwas, the aroma returned.

It was not (to my nose) enjoyable and it did not improve as I cleaned him.

Puppy: I am a very good sharer
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: If you want to smell this good I can show you where to roll
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: But it would be better if you left the good smell on me
Me: Um, no
Puppy: Because you’re just moving the yummy smell to the washcloth
Me: I know. I may need to burn the washcloth
Puppy: Which means I won’t smell good anymore
Me: Wow this is potent. Into the sink with you. Bathtime.
Puppy: What? How did that happen? I was being so good
Me: Laws of nature
Puppy: Laws are better when they don’t involve baths

Update: The Puppy is clean (for the moment), the washcloth is clean (for the moment), and the dead whateveritwas is still out there. Hoping Dad keeps a better eye on the baby today.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Morning Walk and Considering Breakfast

Dear Kid,

Me: Want to go for a walk?
Puppy: I love walks! Yes, yes, yes! Let’s go for a walk!
Me: Come here, you need a leash
Puppy: I’m too excited! We’re going for a walk! I have to run around!

Me: Don’t you want to go for a walk?
Puppy: Of course I do, I love walks
Me: Sit nicely, please. I have to put your leash on
Puppy: I love my leash. It means we’re going outside
Me: Well, then sit down so I can put it on
Puppy: I can’t sit down. My tail is too happy

Me: Good boy, let’s go for a walk
Puppy: This is wonderful. I love walks
Me: I’m glad
Puppy: And I love my leash
Me: I’m glad about that too
Puppy: And I have something very interesting over here to sniff
Me: We’re not even off the driveway yet!

Puppy: Today smells wonderful
Me: I thought we were going for a walk
Puppy: Busy over here
Me: A speed of zero miles per day is not a walk
Puppy: Busy
Me: So I guess we’re going for a sniff not a walk
Puppy: Don’t see you sniffing

Puppy: The world smells wonderful after it rains
Me: You don’t like rain
Puppy: I like AFTER rain
Me: I see
Puppy: Because there are so many wonderful smells to sniff
Me: Doesn’t the rain wash away the smells?
Puppy: You know nothing about sniffing
Me: Let’s pretend it’s because I haven’t had coffee yet
Puppy: Silly mommy
Me: Silly puppy
Puppy: Be quiet, I’m sniffing

Me: Remember that coffee I was talking about?
Puppy: Puppies don’t get coffee
Me: True. But you get breakfast if we go home. And I get coffee
Puppy: Sniffing
Me: You love breakfast. You love all food
Puppy: Right now, I love sniffing
Me: I’m in desperate need of coffee
Puppy: Don’t think that impacts me
Me: Let’s go home and have breakfast
Puppy: Breakfast? Why didn’t you say so!

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Walking in Sharon Woods Park

Dear Kid,

We (Pi, the Puppy, and moi) had a lovely 2 mile walk in Sharon Woods Park yesterday. Parts of our time there were less walk-like than others.

Me: Keep moving, Puppy
Pi: He found something very interesting to sniff
Puppy: Busy
Me: Walking
Pi: Mom, it’s a very interesting blade of grass
Puppy: Busy
Me: This is supposed to be a walk, not a sniff
Puppy: Still busy

Pi: Let’s take him into the field and play
Me: Sure
Puppy: We’re leaving the path, this is exciting!
Pi: Look Puppy, I have a ball
Puppy: Hey, there’s an interesting blade of grass here!
Pi: Fetch (throws the ball)
Puppy: Look, there are people over there (runs toward the people)
Pi: No, you nut case, fetch the ball!
Puppy: Why?
Pi: I have treats
Puppy: I love treats! Coming!!
Pi: Bring the ball, you silly thing
Puppy: Want treats!!
Pi: The ball, go fetch
Me: (walking over to the ball) Look Puppy, here’s the ball!
Puppy: Huh? Just want treats!!
Me: Come here
Puppy: Do you have treats?
Pi: Bring me the ball
Puppy: This is a stupid way to get treats

Me: Come here, baby. Good boy, pick up the ball
Puppy: Really?
Me: Pick up the ball
Puppy: This is totally ridiculous
Me: Take
Puppy: Want a treat!
Pi: I don’t really think he wants to play
Me: You think?
Puppy: Treat!
Pi: Here you go
Puppy: Love treats!!! More!!
Pi: Ok, here’s another one
Puppy: Yummy!
Pi: I don’t think he’s very smart
Me: I think he taught you to give him treats for no reason. Seems pretty smart to me

Puppy: I love walks
Me: I’m really glad
Puppy: Gotta poop
Me: This is the third time you’ve pooped just on this walk
Puppy: It’s important

Puppy: Gotta pee
Me: You have nothing left inside your body to come out. There is nothing in there. You’ve pooped three times and peed fifty times
Lady Walking By: He’s not really here if he doesn’t leave a reminder (She is laughing her head off while she says this)
Me: Walk!
Pi: It’s hard to squeeze nothing out
Me: Walk!
Puppy: Busy
Pi: Oh look, there are ducks! Look Puppy, ducks!
Puppy: So?
Pi: Play with the ducks
Me: Keep him away from the geese
Geese: Hissssssssss
Pi: I don’t think geese like dogs
Me: What on earth made you think that?
Pi: I want him to play with the ducks
Me: You can want that all you like, but neither the Puppy nor the ducks seem interested
Puppy: Look how nicely I’m walking
Me: Now you walk nicely
Puppy: Yes, very nicely. Would you like to give me a treat?
Me: No, but thank you for offering
Pi: Look Puppy, ducks
Puppy: Yep, those are ducks. Not really interested
Pi: How can you not be interested? They are ducks!
Me: Look at the baby ducks! They are so cute
Puppy: I’m cute!
Me: The baby ducks are soooo cute
Puppy: You should probably give me a treat

Wish you’d been here to enjoy the walk with us.

Love, Mom

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