Dear Kid,

There is really no such thing as a bad time for a donut. Because donuts are pretty darn good.

There is a Great Debate about whether the cakey donuts are better than the fluffy donuts (or vice versa). There is also a rather significant controversy over frosted versus powdered versus plain.

I say don’t discriminate. Eat ‘em all.

There are some people who believe donuts are only supposed to be eaten in the morning. These Breakfast Only Theorists are – imho – rather shortsighted. The folks at Tom + Chee are famous for their grilled cheese donut (packed with enough Yum and calories to last a week).

This time of year seems especially perfect for donut eating. Not only can you enjoy the traditional (year round) donuts and coffee, you can have donuts and cider which just screams “happy fall.” You can have traditional (year round) donut flavors but you can also choose from pumpkin donuts and Halloween decorated donuts.

Another wonderful thing about donuts is that they are an affordable luxury. You get change when you take a $5 bill to buy donuts (try that at Chipotle—I think not).

I’m not advocating a steady diet of donuts (I think I went into sugar shock just thinking those words), but as a fall treat, donuts are hard to top.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We had a great visit with Grandma and Grandpa.

On Tuesday I took the day off to play with them and after a leisurely start to the day, we went down to Findlay Market.

The first (and perhaps most important) thing we did was to walk over to the Samuel Adams mural and find the second hidden perfect pint glass and the word C I N C I N N A T I. I feel so much better! It was tricky and I never would have figured it out without help. (If you’re dying to know where the hidden letters are let me know—I will share the love).

Then we found Maverick Chocolate, and how could we not investigate? Especially when there was a big sign promoting Cold Nitro Coffee. Say what? Clearly we had to try some! They infuse cold nitrogen into coffee which makes it fizz up and build a foamy head (like beer). Either the nitrogen or the coffee was bitter so we added simple syrup. (Really? Not drinking coffee black? Yes, in this case really.) Summary: Grandma and I are trendy enough to try Nitro Coffee but not to order it again. At our urging, Grandpa tried it. Fortunately, I had a piece of gum to help him get the taste out of his mouth.

Then we found a spice place which had all kinds of interesting things (before you look, can you guess what was in the Simon and Garfunkle (spelled by the singer Garfunkel but by the spice people Garfunkle) mix? We bought a little bit of this and little bit of that and had a wonderful time.

At the oil and vinegar place, we tasted and bought peach balsamic vinegar. Unlike some flavored vinegars which are, um, subtly flavored, this has a bold right-up-front peach zing. Yum.

From there we wandered around and eventually had Vietnamese food for lunch.

Our final stop on our outing was at Pet Wants where the store, the employees, and the puppy compete for adorable-helpfulness. We got some food for the Puppy (a mix of lean and salmon—quite yummy if you are of the canine persuasion), chatted a bit, and headed home.

It’s amazing how nice a day can be when you hang out with people you like.

Love, Mom

P.S. If you didn’t get (and can’t read the fine print), the Simon and Garfunkle (see note above about spelling) mix has parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Dear Kid,

Things NOT to do when you’re cooking.

1. Overcook the green beans. Mushy. Keep an eye on those babies.
2. Cut a whole bunch of onions.  Easy to tear up. Hard to see. Therefore hard to keep an eye on the green beans.
3. Step on the Puppy. Hoping something drops on the floor. Except onions.
4. Undercook the green beans. Better than overcooking. But too crunchy.
5. Cut a whole bunch of yourself. Good for the Band-Aid people. Not so good for anyone else.
6. Experiment with a new recipe. Generally better to make something once and then go for variations. Except sometimes.
7. Burn the green beans. Tricky little buggers.
8. Miss when transferring soup to a container. Makes the Puppy happy. Not so good for anyone else.
9. Set off the smoke detector. Hard to see through the smoke. Leads to stepping on a barking puppy.
10. Forget the green beans. Tricky and sneaky little buggers.

Happy cooking.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The Mathematics of Yom Kippur are astounding. I will leave it to the theologians to explain the theology and to the scholars to explain the scholarly and to everyone else to explain the ratios of the length of the sermon to how hungry we are. I, being a mom, shall explain the Mathematics of Yom Kippur Food.

After extensive research on the subject, I have ascertained that the following is Exactly How Everything Works in Every Household celebrating Yom Kippur.

Day Before Yom Kippur

Eat a normal breakfast

Have a slightly larger than normal mid-morning snack (after all, you’re fasting tomorrow)

Have a slightly larger than normal lunch (ditto)

Have a huge afternoon snack (after all, you’re fasting tomorrow and there might not be enough food at dinner even though you know there will be enough food to feed several small nations)

Dinner. Gefilte fish, matzo ball soup, wine, chicken, brisket, tzimmes, challah, apples and honey, another portion of brisket because you wouldn’t want to be rude, some more tzimmes so the brisket isn’t lonely, asparagus (a little green veggie never hurt anyone), some more tzimmes because it’s really good, another glass of wine because it’s a holiday, a little more chicken because you wouldn’t want to be seen as favoring the brisket, another piece of challah (love those raisins), the chocolate and the apple pie and the honey cake for dessert because you can’t make up your mind, another piece of honey cake because it feels right, another piece of chocolate because YUM, another piece of apple pie because you’re fasting tomorrow. And cream with your coffee please.

Total day before Yom Kippur calorie consumption: 5,782 calories.

Yom Kippur

Breakfast: Skip

Snack: Skip

Lunch: Skip

Snack: Skip

Break-the-fast at Temple: tiny cup of juice, slice of challah, another cup of juice because you’re thirsty, another slice of challah because you have to drive All The Way Home, 2 slices of challah for the road because it’s Really Far to Home.

Dinner at home: Challah (because you didn’t get enough at temple), gefilte fish, a second gefilte fish because you can’t save just one, wine because it’s a holiday, soup because YUM, bagel, lox, cream cheese, kugel, more kugel because YUM, cucumbers, another bagel with everything because you’ve been fasting all day, another glass of wine because wine on an empty stomach is fun, another slice of challah (love those raisins), some more kugel because it’s delish and you’ve been fasting all day, another bagel because this is not really a substantial meal, dessert because it’s time for dessert but please don’t clear the kugel because you might have another piece, more kugel because it would be rude to ask to keep the kugel out and then not eat it, some more dessert because it goes so nicely with the coffee, but no cream in your coffee because you’re sort of watching your calories.

Total Yom Kippur calorie consumption (before the late evening snack because you’ve been fasting all day): 6,891 calories.

Conversation in every home: I can’t believe I didn’t lose any weight and I was fasting all day!

Isn’t math fun?

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

Many college students think they know all there is to know about beer (drink it). Many parents of college students think they know all there is to know about the cost of beer (82% of the kid’s food budget).

While both of these may be true for actual college kids, it is far from accurate in the World of Beer as I had the great fortune to learn this past weekend.

Huge thank you to Best Friend Errand Service for inviting me to help set up for the Samuel Adams employee Oktoberfest event. And huge, HUGE thank you to the Samuel Adams folks for showing us around and letting me see things that aren’t usually on the “you’re here to get this place set up” tour.

Samuel Adams’ Utopias® is a blend of batches in which the barrels become “an integral part of the brewing and aging process.” It’s an uncarbonated dark beer (did you even know there was such a thing as uncarbonated beer? I did not) so you can drink a wee bit and close the bottle back up for another time.

Utopias is not for the poor college student as a single bottle (complete with its very own limited edition number) will run you several hundred dollars. If you can get one. Which is not at all obvious because of the “limited” part of limited edition (they made less than 15,000 bottles in the last production year).

Not only is it rare and expensive, there are 13 states where you can’t even buy Utopias because the alcohol content exceeds the legal limit for beer. Yes, Ohio is one of the states where it is verboten.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Pi: Need help with dinner, Mom?
Me: Sure. You can be in charge of chopping
Puppy: Need help with dinner, Mom?
Me: Sure, you can be in charge of sniffing
Puppy: I was hoping to be in charge of tasting
Me: As it happens, I have an extra piece of carrot right here. Would you like to taste that?
Puppy: Yes! Yes! I’m sitting. I’m a good boy! That is a fantastic carrot! Thank you!
Pi: Oops! I “dropped” a piece of something on the floor
Puppy: I got it! I got it! Clean up on aisle Pi!
Me: You are very helpful
Puppy: I do my best

Pi: When is dinner?
Me: Soon
Puppy: When is dinner?
Me: You just had dinner
Puppy: I could have it again
Me: I’m sure you could. But you won’t
Puppy: You need to expand your thinking
Me: I’m trying to not expand your waistline

Puppy: Your dinner smells very good.
Me: Thank you. But please leave me alone. We’re having dinner
Puppy: I know. I’m trying to have some dinner too.
Me: You had your dinner. Now we’re having our dinner. Go play.
Puppy: I am playing. It’s a game called “Poke Mom’s Leg and Hope for a Taste of Dinner”
Me: Go play a different game

Puppy: I’m starving
Me: You just had dinner
Puppy: But you’re eating. So I’m starving
Me: Interesting logic. But no.
Puppy: No, I’m not starving? My nose says I’m starving
Me: You should explain to your nose that your tummy is full
Puppy: They don’t talk very often
Me: I know the feeling

Love, Mom

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