Dear Kid,

It’s Jewel Day (the gemstone kind).

Unfortunately, I can’t find anyone handing out free samples. Which is just as well because (as with so many things) it’s hard to stop with just one.

It’s also the beginning of Daylight Saving Time. This is the one where we lose an hour. Which is sad. And no matter how hard you look, you won’t get it back until the fall (believe me, I’ve tried all sorts of ways to find it).

The official term is “Daylight Saving Time,” and not “Daylight Savings Time.”

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as Daylight Saving Time (hard to imagine, but true). Then Benjamin Franklin (Ben was the 15^th child in the family and they’d run low on names by then so he doesn’t have a middle one) was visiting Paris. He wasn’t allowed to fly kites there (lightening strikes were considered pre-existing conditions by the insurance plans) so he sat around thinking deep thoughts, subtly making fun of the French for being lazy, and wondering how he could further confound people’s biological clocks. (Life Lesson: Never deprive influential people of their kites.)

In 1784, Ben wrote an essay in which he first suggested Daylight Saving Time. Some of his French Amis were delightfully taken with the idea (they obviously missed the subtlety) so it was completely ignored.

There are (according to My Friend the Internet), several possible people who might take credit for seriously advancing (get it? advancing? Ha!) the idea of Daylight Saving Time. It might have been a bug collector. Or maybe not.

Fast forward to 1907, when William Willett of London, England, suggested that clocks be advanced 20 minutes each of four Sundays in April and set back 20 minutes each of four Sundays in September. This was such a ridiculous idea that it was seriously considered.

Countries located near the equator do not observe DST, as the daylight hours there do not vary with the seasons.

In 1916 Germany officially adopted DST to conserve coal during WWI. The British liked the idea so much they immediately adopted it.

Confusion followed. So did a bunch of great excuses for being late.

It took a while for the concept to cross the pond, and in 1918 the US launched DST as an energy-saving practice.

After WWs I and II, we ditched the idea (remember, back then there weren’t cable boxes and cell phones that automatically updated) until the 1970s when we pretty much ran out of energy. DST was officially mandated to save energy in the winter.

But get this: Daylight Saving Time only saves energy if you go outside to enjoy the extra daylight. Otherwise, we just spend money on energy for things like lighting, heating, air conditioning, and Netflix.

The Uniform Time Act of 1966 established the system of uniform DST throughout the U.S.

Also, it turns out that changing time is not good for human health. You’d think one hour wouldn’t be a big deal. You’d be wrong. It’s a big, honkin’ deal. Incidents of heart attacks, strokes, car crashes, bad test scores, grumpiness, and general illness go up when the time changes (in either direction).

(You got sick a week early. Face it, you’re a trend setter.)

Feel better and don’t forget to set all your clocks.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In case you haven’t been paying attention (for your entire life), I feel I should mention that women have not always been treated fairly.

It wasn’t too long ago that women in these here United States were considered property under the law. And women still don’t earn as much as men—even when they’re doing the Exact Same Job (only backwards and in high heels).

NOTE: You’re heard of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers? They were very famous (seriously famous) movie stars Back In The Day. They sang and danced (think long gowns, top hats, ballroom, tap, and gorgeous). There is a famous quote: “Sure he was great, but don’t forget that Ginger Rogers did everything he did, …backwards and in high heels.”

You may be aware that I believe women should be paid as much as men. Or more. You may be aware that I believe fabulous shoes are one of the little luxuries of life. You may even be aware that I color my hair and wear makeup. But you must know that while I think equal pay is mandatory, I do not think shoes or hair dye or mascara are requisite nor that they have any bearing on how a person does his or her job.

Not everyone agrees with me.

That in and of itself should be a clue.

As reported in USA Today (so it must be true), British receptionist Nicola Thorp was sent home from work in December 2015 because her shoes were unacceptable—because they weren’t high heels. Excuse me, what?

She worked for an employment agency which had a dress code specifying that female workers “must wear non-opaque tights, have hair with no visible roots, and wear regularly reapplied makeup.”

Excuse me again, WHAT??!

No visible roots and regularly reapplied makeup? I wouldn’t last a week.

Non-opaque tights? Have you looked in a fashion magazine lately? Most people in the workforce aren’t even old enough to remember “Our L’eggs fit your legs”.

Sent home for wearing flats? She was a receptionist! Who was going to comment on her shoes?

The client she was sent home from? PricewaterhouseCoopers, one of the giants in the world of accounting and auditing. PwC—a company that absolutely Should Know Better.

I can’t even cope with how wrong this is.

I get that dress codes can be appropriate (no one needs to wear short-shorts to a professional workplace). I get that super strict dress codes are appropriate in some places (like operating rooms). And I’ve heard of some dumb dress codes (really, really dumb). But never (repeat, NEVER) have I heard anything this ridiculously stupid.

So now (again, according to USA Today), Members of the British Parliament are debating a ban on mandatory workplace high heels.

There is so much wrong with that sentence I don’t even know where to start.

There has to be a debate? What’s to discuss? And in today’s world, doesn’t Parliament have better things to talk about?

Yesterday was International Women’s Day. It won’t be soon, but someday I hope we’ll celebrate International Women’s Day as a tribute to the past rather than a statement of the present.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Surprises are nice, but sometimes it’s good to know what’s coming.

So in the spirit of sneak previews, here are 22 Interesting Facts about the Number 22.

1. 22 is a palindromic number, meaning it’s the same coming and going.
2. 22 divided by 7 is Pi, which makes you related to your sister seven times over. There are of course other things that make you related, but I’m not talking about that today.
3. 22 is (and I quote) “an even composite number composed of two prime numbers multiplied together.” Uh-huh. Twenty-two is a bunch of other arithmetic things I don’t understand and will therefore not subject you to (or twenty-to).
4. The number 22 is double 11 (which symbolizes disorder and chaos) and is therefore representative of double disorganization and quantum chaos. This explains the big number 22 someone put over my desk at work.
5. The length of a cricket pitch is 22 yards. No one cares.
6. The Titanic was traveling at a speed of 22 knots before it crashed into the iceberg. The iceberg was not knotting at all and still won.
7. There are 22 yards in a chain. No one knows what that kind of chain is, so the phrase is never used. Except by cricket players.
8. The atomic number of titanium is 22.
9. There are 22 letters in the Hebrew aleph-bet (alphabet). You know all of them.
10. The Paramount Pictures logo has 22 stars. This has led to lots of idle speculation and faux facts over the years.
11. When you see squwanky letters and symbols in a URL, look for %22 (which represents quote markets). Then you can nod knowingly and say, “Ah…%22. A Quotation Mark.”
12. In American football, there are 22 players on the field at any one time. At least there should be.
13. Ditto the other kind of futbol.
14. In the Kabbalah, there are 22 paths between the Sephirot. I don’t know what that means. But there are definitely 22 of them.
15. In Bingo, 22 is referred to as “two little ducks.” Quacking optional.
16. Twenty-two is considered a significant “master builder” number in numerology. Remind me to find out what a “minor builder” number is.
17. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller’s 1961 novel) gave rise to the expression “catch-22” which means a dilemma or quandary. Like whether to look up “minor builder” numbers or live in ignorance.
18. In Jay-Z’s song “22 Twos”, he rhymes the words “too”, “to”, and “two” 22 times in the first verse. The rhyming is not so impressive. The 22 times is kind of cool.
19. The USAF stealth fighter is the F-22 Raptor. (Its friends just call it 22 Rap).
20. F/22 is the largest f-stop (therefore smallest aperture) on most single lens reflex cameras. This will not be on the test.
21. A traditional Tarot deck has 22 cards. I’m sure people who Know These Things understand the significance. I am not one of those people.
22. In French jargon, “22” is a warning that the police are on the way (translation: Yark! The po-po!).

There are more facts about the number 22, but why mess with a good thing?

Happy Birthday, baby,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once again, it’s Monday. It happens every 7 days, so I’m sure you’re not surprised.

But this is no ordinary Monday, my friend. No, no.

This is a Monday to put a smile on your face.

Because today is—wait for it—Love Your Pet Day.

The need for such a day is, well, imo, silly. It’s like saying we should have a day called Breathe Oxygen Day. Duh.

But apparently someone (I’m guessing the card companies) decided it was a good idea (completely overlooking the fact that Pets Can’t Read).

For the record, the Best of All Possible Pets is currently celebrating by napping. When I asked earlier, he said he plans to celebrate by eating, sleeping, and trying to convince everyone he comes in contact with to adore him. And he wouldn’t object to some jerky or pumpkin. In other words, business as usual.

If we had a hedgehog, I’d have to go buy mealworms for a treat, which is kind of ick. Did you know that hedgehogs are considered exotic pets in Ohio? I have no idea what that means either, except that you can’t just go get a hedgehog whenever you want.

I’m pretty sure you can’t just go adopt a river otter either…

It’s a good thing we already have The Puppy. Who is only exotic in that he’s ours.

I think I’ll celebrate Love Your Pet Day by snuggling with him.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You may have heard the rumor. It’s not exactly a secret.

It’s Valentine’s Day!

The VDay trends for 2017 are wide ranging and interesting, except really they aren’t. I checked. And most of the sites talking about 2017 Valentine’s Trends are either talking about the obvious (candy, flowers, cards) or trying to create a trend by getting people to buy what they say the trend is. (Good luck unraveling that.)

So instead of relying on tried and boring or new and questionable, I decided that the best way to identify useful trends was to make them up completely and hope they become trendworthy.

Mom’s 9 Most Important 2017 Valentine’s Trends

1. Hugs. Hugs are the number one best sort of gift you can give anyone. They are the perfect gift for friend, significant other, and Moms. They are always the right size. And they’re priced right.
2. Smiles. Not everyone enjoys Valentine’s Day. There are a lot of hopes and expectations (most of which don’t really work out). Everyone appreciates a smile. And you don’t have to shop in advance.
3. Courtesy. Never out of fashion. Always appreciated. Hold a door. Carry someone’s books. Say please and thank you.
4. Hand written notes. You don’t have to spend a fortune at the card store (and you haven’t purchased a card yet, it may be too late). Write (it’s like texting except on paper) something yourself. Draw a picture. (Take a photo and send it electronically if you have to.)
5. Call. Seriously. Talk out loud. Your phone knows how to make that happen.
6. Take care of yourself. Work out. Go for a run. Meditate.
7. Spoil yourself. Buy yourself a piece of really good chocolate. Or two pieces of so-so chocolate. Treat yourself to a specialty coffee.
8. Get together with friends. Valentine’s Day is about happy and healthy hearts. Celebrate (or uncelebrate) with friends.
9. Know you are loved. Take a look in the mirror. That’s a pretty amazing person. A pretty amazing person who is loved by many people.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2017 <3

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did you know that Super Bowl Sunday is the top pizza day in the country? Of course you did. More people eat pizza on Super Bowl Sunday than on any other day of the year. Which is (confusingly) why National Pizza Day is February 9^th.

The most popular pizza size in the U.S. is 14 inches in diameter.

The rest of the top 5 pizza days are: New Year’s Eve, Halloween, the night before Thanksgiving, and New Year’s Day. I find New Year’s Eve as the second most popular time for pizza to odd. And somewhat sad. And delicious.

Because in ‘Murica, we love pizza. We, the People, eat about 100 acres of pizza a day. Each and every day. Most of them have pepperoni on them. And we wonder why we’re not a svelte People.

Pizza comes from the Latin picea meaning “blackening of crust by fire” or “mama doesn’t feel like cooking tonight.”

Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetables on their pizza.

Pizza is a Most Excellent Food at any time of day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, coffee break, middle of the afternoon, pre-dawn, post-late-night. Any time. Hot. Cold. Warm. But not frozen. Frozen pizza would be bad.

Have a wonderful (and not frozen) National Pizza Day!

Love, Mom