How to Use the Silent Treatment Effectively | Part Uno

Dear Kid,

How to use The Silent Treatment effectively:

How to use the silent treatment effectively at all ages. DearKidLoveMom.comWhen you’re 3 years old: Take a big gulp of air and hold your breath. Burp. Explain your burp in great detail while you laugh hysterically. Eat a snack.

When you’re 6 years old: Be silent. Start playing. Forget about the silent treatment.

When you’re a 12 year old girl: Any way you want. Trying to tell a tween girl how to behave is crazy talk.

When you’re 16: Yell. A lot. Then head to your room. Slam the door (in lieu of talking) to communicate the extent of your irritation. Stay there for a long time. Emerge when you decide you have punished the world sufficiently (or when you’re hungry).

When you’re in college: Glare with superiority. Heave a Great Sigh of Suffering and then explain How Things Are or Should Be in absolute terms.

When you’re an adult: The only adult way to use “the silent treatment” is to say, “Wow. What you just said has surprised/offended/shocked/confused/angered me so much that I don’t quite know what to say. Please give me some time to think about this before I say anything we’ll both regret.” Then go think. And come back to the person and talk.

If you find yourself really giving someone the silent treatment, you are probably acting younger than your driver’s license thinks you should.

Love, Mom

Don’t forget to share DearKidLoveMom.com. No need to be silent!

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Super Bowl 50 is in the Books

Dear Kid,

Is it me, or are football players getting bigger? I turned to My Friend the Internet for information.

Super Bowl 50 is in the Books. (Here's what happened.) DearKidLoveMom.comAfter much scientific analysis, data regression, and an apple, I concluded that the average professional football player is big.

Big as in larger than the ordinary human. Big as in there is a reason that football pants only go to the knee (any more fabric and the league would go broke). Big as in “Daaaammmn!” (Extra points if you get the reference.)

It’s important that football players are big—because all the other football players are big. It is important that football players are strong—because all the other football players are strong. It is important that football players are fast—because splat is only fun if you’re the splat-er rather than the splat-ee.

This year’s Super Bowl was a feast of have and have nots seen and seen not.

We saw puppies and more puppies and Super Bowl babies and Doritos babies and cars and even some football that didn’t include unsportsmanlike conduct. We saw the longest punt return in the history of the Super Bowl. We saw a two point conversion.

We saw a lot of sacks and a lot of turnovers. And a really sad FG attempt that had our resident kicker saying, “Oh, I feel so bad for him. The commentators need to stop talking about it. I’m sure he feels bad enough.”

Did you notice that Cam’s chewing gum matched his uniform? Important color coordination. I think that’s worth at least 2 style points but negative five for Who Lets Someone Play with Gum in Their Mouth?

We heard the announcers talk about Athletic Trainers (shout out!) and we saw a great halftime show.

There was a lot that we didn’t see in this year’s Super Bowl.

We didn’t see OT, because Peyton. We didn’t see dabbing by Cam, because defense. We didn’t see a safety (frowny face).

We didn’t see a drop kick bounced on the ground. It’s legal, it used to be done a lot, but now it seems QBs and kickers are leaving that kind of drop kick to rugby players.

We didn’t see illegal leverage. This does not refer to using the same cash to place multiple bets (the finance majors reading this understood that one). Illegal leverage is when the defense pushes or pulls members of their own team during a FG or PAT.

We had a long National Anthem and orange beverage being poured on the coach (important if you’re following the prop bets).

In Summary: We need to go back to Roman Numerals.

Love, Mom

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Prop Bets for Super Bowl 50 (And What You Should Do About Them)

Dear Kid,

It's all you little football. Well, you and the commercials. Happy Super Bowl! DearKidLoveMom.comIt’s Super Bowl Sunday (which is almost as good as Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day but with better TV coverage). Not only are the traditional bets in play (who will win, who will lose, who will come out on top in the office square betting), but prop bets are going crazy.

You remember about Prop Bets right? They are the fabulously funky bets about everything other than the score of the game. Here are some of my faves available this year.

Note: You are a college student without lots of excess cash. All your bets should be for things like who washes the dishes after dinner, who takes out the trash this week, or other non-monetary consequences.

The second best prop bet for this year is how many times “dab” or “dabbing” will be said by announcers during the broadcast. Yes, I know what dabbing is (read here if you don’t) because I am twelve kinds of cool and I looked it up weeks ago. I don’t intend to count, but the betting is over two or under two and it’s hard to imagine they’ll say it less than twice. (NOTE: Halftime doesn’t count.)

The best prop bet for this year is whether “Left Shark” will make an appearance during halftime. You can also bet on which song Cold Play will play first (but not whether they’ll be cold), and what color shoes Beyoncé will be wearing.

Peyton Manning things you can bet on include whether he’ll announce his retirement in the post-game interview, whether he’ll throw a pick 6, and if he’ll be seen crying at any point during the broadcast.

Speaking of post-game interviews, you can bet on who the Super Bowl MVP will mention first (God, team, city/fans, coach, family, or something else).

You can place bets on a zillion things related to the coin toss, three zillion things related to kickers and punters, and five zillion things related to when scoring happens.

You can bet on whether Cam Newton will break the Super Bowl record for must rushing yards by a QB (see “dabbing” above).

You can—I swear I am not making this up—bet on the exact outcome of who wins the Super Bowl AND who wins the presidential election. You can bet on the Carolina Panthers winning the Super Bowl and the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA title. You can bet on whether the goals in the Montreal/Carolina NHL game February 7th will be higher than the total number of receptions by Greg Olsen, and whether the Arsenal goals February 7 will be higher than the number of Peyton Manning TD passes.

You can bet about whether Mike Carey will be wrong about a challenge, whether there will be an earthquake during the game, and how long the national anthem will be.

You cannot—as far as I know—bet on whether your mother will stay awake to watch the entire game or what commercial people will be talking about tomorrow.

Happy Super Bowl.

Love, Mom

 

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You’re Not Going to Believe What Holiday Today Is

Dear Kid,

STOP EVERYTHING!!

Happy Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day! DearKidLoveMom.comIt’s Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day (I did not make this up). Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day was invented sometime in the 1960s in Rochester, NY (because everyone thinks of starting their day off with ice cream when it’s minus 142 degrees outside).

There are all sorts of ice cream flavors including lots of breakfast flavors (I’m not aware of a green eggs and ham one, although there very well could be such a thing).

There are the fruit flavors (orange, banana, strawberry), the coffee flavors (coffee, mocha), and the breakfast pastry flavors (donut, cinnamon roll).

There is bacon ice cream, and French toast ice cream, and most ice cream is made with an egg base.

There are waffle cones and cookie cones and don’t even get me started about the variety of add-ins that are really should be considered breakfast food.

The big question (duh) is WHO CARES IF IT’S PRETENDING TO BE BREAKFAST FOOD? It’s a holiday. Ice cream is being celebrated. What more rationale could you possibly want?

Eat your breakfast.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Writes Today’s Blog

Dear Kid,

Mom is cooking. And she’s not sharing.

Mom is cooking. And she’s not sharing. Even though I’ve asked very nicely. Which doesn't seem like a good idea to me. I think you should come home and FEED ME! Before my nose explodes! DearKidLoveMom.comEven though I’ve asked very nicely.

I think her exact words were, “Puppy, go write to the Kid about it because you are not getting any of this chicken.”

Or something like that.

So just to show that I’m a good boy, I decided to write to you.

Today was a very exciting day. It started when Mom woke me up (she wasn’t cooking then) and we snuggled before I took her for a morning walk. She likes to think she wakes me up, but really I’m wide awake the minute she gets out of bed. I just like to lie quietly in my blankets and let her think she’s waking me up because she needs jobs like that.

After our walk, I had breakfast. Do you know what breakfast is? It’s FOOD! Which is de-li-shus.

Then I chewed on my chipmunk toy while mom went upstairs. It was Very Important Chewing, but I kept an ear open in case there were Intruders. Or someone dropping food. (There weren’t any Intruders today, but don’t worry—I’m guarding the house.)

Then I took a nap, because breakfast and chewing are very tiring.

When I finished that nap, I turned around and took another one. Naps are something I practice every day, and I am very good at them. I would be happy to teach you how to nap if you’d like. You let all of you go to sleep EXCEPT for one ear, because you never know what might happen. Be sure to turn around every now and then so your other ear can listen and your first ear can sleep.

After my naps, I did a bit of this and a bit of that (although not really very much of that), and then everyone came home and now there is COOKING and My Nose Is Going to Explode and No One Cares!!!

I think you should come home from college and feed me.

Love, Puppy

And that’s exactly what I found on my computer.

Love, Mom

Who do you know who might enjoy DearKidLoveMom and Puppy Conversations? Share the love!

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How to Polish Your Nails: Then and Now

Dear Kid,

The choices we make about nail polish can say a lot about us. DearKidLoveMom.comWhen I was in 5th grade, my best friend Judy T. and I would stay up all night painting our nails. We stayed up all night because A) that’s what 5th grade girls do and B) our nails were a Production of Intricacy and Major Proportions.

Between gossip and snacks and life goals, we would first plan. This was important because we had nearly 9 billion shades of polish to choose from and One Had To Get It Right.

Between more gossip and snacks and life goals, we would paint. First the base coat. Then the first and second coats of color (probably not the same color on all nails and DEFINITELY not the same colors on hands and feet).

Then came the artistic portion of the evening. We added stripes and polka dots and dots within dots. Remember, this was back in the days before this was commercially available. It was a Process.

And we loved every minute of it.

I remember (might have been in 6th grade by then) a teacher (a man, but I don’t know why that should matter) looking at my nails and commenting that I wasn’t nearly old enough to have purple fingernails. Au contraire, my friend.

Painting my nails these days is usually a little different.

First there is the matter of removing existing polish which is no easy feat (read about it here if you’ve forgotten).

Choosing a color is no easier than it was in 5th grade. Not only have the cosmetics companies made every shade imaginable available in a polish, they’ve also created shimmers and glitters and gels and shines and mattes and magnetics and…the list goes on. These days I’ve been drawn toward either Brisbane Bronze or Tanacious Spirit (get it? Tan?). I think my next career should be as the person who thinks up the names for nail polishes and lipsticks.

The real challenge is that nail polish requires time to dry (I remember when Uncle David first explained to me that nail polish drying was nail polish liquid evaporating—mind blown) and time is something I am generally in short supply of.

I’ve taken to painting my nails in the car on the way to work. Red light—paint one hand. Red light—paint the other hand. Rinse and repeat with a second coat.
There are problems with this. The first is that—inevitably—when I want to paint my nails on the way to the office, every light magically turns green. The second is that this is much (MUCH) less enjoyable when the temperature is minus 400 and one would really rather shove one’s hands deep in furry mittens.

For the record, mittens (furry or not) and wet nail polish do not mix well.

Love, Mom

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Guess What Phil Said???

Dear Kid,

Punxsutawney Phil. Mom plots to get to Gobbler's Knob for Groundhog Day. DearKidLoveMom.comYesterday, Punxsutawney Phil was ceremoniously yanked out of a sound slumber to prognosticate the timing of spring.

Without coffee.

Seriously? How can anyone be expected to think things through without caffeine?

This year, the morning fogginess seems to have worked in our favor because P. Phil didn’t see his shadow. By definition, this means that spring will come early.

To be honest, I knew that before The Groundhog made his announcement because some of the iris (irises? irisi?) are poking their leaves up already. And they don’t aren’t supposed to do that until spring.

For the part of the eye, the usual medical plural is irides. For the flower both iris and irises are in common use.

So even though the first day of spring is officially not until March 20, the unofficial first day is now because WARM!

Happy (almost) spring!

Love, Mom

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