My Arm Got Fat During the Night

Dear Kid,

My arms got fat during the night. Specifically, my right arm got fat during the night.

Not a bug bite, not swollen, just fat.

My arms, which looked quasi-normal last night, look Quasimodo this morning.

Me: Do my arms look fat?
Dad: Huh?
Me: Do my arms look fat to you?
Dad (without looking up): You’re gorgeous
Me: Seriously, do my arms look fat to you?
Dad (sensing landmines): Gotta go walk the Puppy
Me: He was walked and fed an hour ago! Coward.
Dad (under his breath): You betcha
Me: My arm muscles are drooping and you’re evading the issue

The next sound was that of the door closing as he escaped the house.

I went back to the mirror. It lies all the time, but at least it doesn’t have the option of leaving the conversation.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

I made a pump-your-bicep pose. All my fat cells applauded and then brought friends to watch the entertainment. My arms drooped 6 inches lower.

The mirror smirked. Showing great restraint, I did not throw a shoe at the mirror. I value my shoes too much. And I’m not sure my enormous arms would have let me.

I called my friend Bev.

Me: I think each of my arms gained 20 pounds overnight
Bev: I hate when that happens. I have racoons in my chimney

I have great friends.

Amazingly, my clothes fit fine. I glared at the mirror. It continued to smirk as I left the room.

You do not have a mirror that lies to you and smirks about it.

See how easy your life is?

Love, Mom


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Another First for Women | Sarah Thomas and the NFL

Dear Kid,

Hopefully, you’ve done a better job of keeping up with the Important News of the Day than I have, but just in case you also missed the announcement, there is BIG NEWS and her name is Sarah Thomas.

The NFL has hired her as its first female full time official.

If you are thinking “Woo Hoo”, you are right.

If you are thinking “It’s about freakin’ time”, you are right.

If you are thinking “It’s too bad this has to be a big deal”, you are right.

If you are thinking “How come this isn’t a bigger deal?”, you are right.

If you are thinking “How does she get all her hair hidden under her cap?”, I have no idea.

If you are thinking “Coffee”, you are right because she drinks a cup of hot coffee before every game no matter what the temperature is.

If you are thinking “I thought the Universe smiled on September 13, 2015”, you’re right because that was the day she made her NFL regular season debut.

If you are thinking “Have I heard her name before?”, the answer is maybe.

Sarah Thomas was the first woman to officiate a major college football game, the first woman to officiate a bowl game, and the first woman to officiate in a Big Ten game. Which makes her a big deal. A bigger deal than the general media (which has largely ignored the story) has led us to believe.

If you are thinking “So the answer is 53?”, you are right because that is her officiating uniform number. Watch for it, because she will doubtless reach other firsts for women.

And I still want to know how she gets all her hair hidden.

Love, Mom

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10 Things NOT to Do When You’re Cooking

Dear Kid,

Doesn't the smoke detector understand I'm just cooking? DearKidLoveMom.comThings NOT to do when you’re cooking.

  1. Overcook the green beans. Mushy. Keep an eye on those babies.
  2. Cut a whole bunch of onions.  Easy to tear up. Hard to see. Therefore hard to keep an eye on the green beans.
  3. Step on the Puppy. Hoping something drops on the floor. Except onions.
  4. Undercook the green beans. Better than overcooking. But too crunchy.
  5. Cut a whole bunch of yourself. Good for the Band-Aid people. Not so good for anyone else.
  6. Experiment with a new recipe. Generally better to make something once and then go for variations. Except sometimes.
  7. Burn the green beans. Tricky little buggers.
  8. Miss when transferring soup to a container. Makes the Puppy happy. Not so good for anyone else.
  9. Set off the smoke detector. Hard to see through the smoke. Leads to stepping on a barking puppy.
  10. Forget the green beans. Tricky and sneaky little buggers.

Happy cooking.

Love, Mom

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Have You Heard About This Thing?

Dear Kid,

Have you heard about the IO Hawk?

Just imagine a Segway and a skateboard had a baby. Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the mechanics involved; just assume the whole thing happened in a laboratory (since that probably is where it happened) or like a baby in a Disney movie (quick shot of the prince and princess getting married; cut to One Year Later with a beautiful baby and the Happy Couple looking well rested and not having gained an ounce. Disney babies. Not real life.).

The IO Hawk is a Segway without handle bars. You can’t go very fast (top speed 6 miles per hour) or very far (about 10 miles on a three hour charge), but you will look très super cool tooling around on this thing.

Here is a link to the VBV (Very Boring Video) which shows what this thing actually is. Don’t bother turning on your sound—it’s just background music.

So if you happen to have an extra $1,800 (plus tax and shipping) sitting around (just so we’re clear: you don’t) you can own an IO Hawk.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

P.S. Sorry for the late posting. It’s been That Sort of a Weekend…

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I can sleep all the time because I don’t have a cell phone or reality TV

Dear Kid,

It’s that kind of a day.

I have no idea what that means either.

I can sleep all the time because I don't have a cell phone or reality TV. DearKidLoveMom.comLast night I spent time hanging out with Pi and watching Total Divas (bad “reality” TV) rather than writing a blog and this morning I spent time sleeping rather than writing a blog and so now my coffee and I are busy staring at a blank screen. (The Puppy has taken over the sleeping so that is still being attended to.)

But it’s that kind of a day, by which I mean it’s an odd day. It’s too warm to turn on the heat, but too cold not to. At the moment I am cuddled under three blankets with my laptop warming the top of my lap and my coffee warming the inside of my tummy. Nothing is warming my toes and they are complaining about it. I told them about your toes turning purple during your class about what cold does to extremities. They “oohed” politely and pointed out that you are young and resilient and—more importantly—attached to someone else which in no way makes them any warmer. Silly toes.

Pi is off at an event for Crayons to Computers (such a good child working for such a good cause) and Dad is grocery shopping (he’s only called me once from the store so far—well, twice if you count the pocket dial). His soccer games got canceled because it is cold and rainy. Yes, I know you don’t cancel soccer games when it’s cold and rainy, but these people did. At least they had the courtesy to call him before he left the house.

There’s a great deal to be done around the house today. Cooking and baking and cleaning and snuggling the Puppy. Unfortunately, none of those things (except Puppy snuggling) sound as nice and cozy as sipping gulping coffee under my blanket. So it remains to be seen what will get done. I have GOT to get better elves.

Hope your weekend is off to a great start.

Love, Mom


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First Week of October Holidays | Seriously?

Dear Kid,

Today is Name Your Car Day.

I don’t know why. I don’t know why there needs to be a specific day for car naming, and I don’t know why October 2nd should be that day in particular. But it is so here we are.

Name Your Car Day.

I speak fluent sarcasm. DearKidLoveMom.comWhatev.

It’s also Get Organized Week.

There are about a zillion things wrong with the concept of the first week in October being Get Organized Week. The first and most obvious is that it will take far longer than a week to get organized. In the space of a week, I can probably manage to get the silverware drawer organized. I might be able to add in organizing my thoughts (but probably not). Beyond that, call in the professionals and allocate a whole lot more than 7 days.

It’s also not obvious to me why one (in this case “one” means someone else) would choose the first week in October as Get Organized Week. It’s not the natural start of anything (the new year, the school year, the summer solstice), it’s not the week or so before the natural start of anything, and who the heck tries to get organized right before Halloween (which is sort of the anti-organized holiday).

You may have guessed that I will not be celebrating Get Organized Week by attempting to organize my life.

On the flip side, October is Sarcastic Month. Don’t know who invented that one or why, but I love them. And I will be celebrating to the fullest extent possible. (And I will probably be using the sarcasm font. A lot.)

Enjoy naming your car. (Happy Sarcastic Month.)

Love, Mom

Tell everyone about Why not? It’s a fun place to hang out.

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Traveling by Portkey? Fiction Becomes Reality

Dear Kid,

Holy Moly! Facebook has gone and done it. The inconceivable (I do nah think tha’ word means wha’ you think it means) has happened. Our entire Universe has been turned upside down.

Yes. Facebook has brought the world of Harry Potter to life.

And by “the world of HP” I do not mean the theme park or the movies. I mean the actual world. Into our world.

On FB, you can now make your profile picture a short, looping video. Short as in 7 seconds. Looping as in will play over and over again making PLM (people like me) somewhat sea sick. Video as in pictures that move a la Harry Potter.

Mind boggling.

As soon as portkeys are real, this mom is going to do a lot of traveling. DearKidLoveMom.comOr possibly not as inventors constantly push technology to catch up to fiction. Or perhaps a better way to say it is that they push to turn fiction into non-fiction.

I don’t think I’ll be changing my picture to a video any time soon.

But as soon as portkeys are real, this mom is going to do a lot of traveling.

Love, Mom

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