10 Emjois We Absolutely Have to Have

Dear Kid,

Did you know there’s a committee that reviews new emojis? I had no idea they required approval, but it turns out they do.

So Committee for Reviewing Appropriate Pics (yes, I made it up, but it’s a great acronym—take a moment to figure it out) meets and thinks about which emojis the world cannot, simply cannot, live without.

What emojis are they considering? The almond. Half a coconut. A pie.

And it gets better. A mermaid. A climber. A person meditating. And a woman breastfeeding.

Emojis being considered. Seriously? Who needs a half coconut emoji? These ideas are clearly better. DearKidLoveMom.com

Emojis being considered. Seriously? Who needs a half coconut emoji?

“Emoji” means pictograph and has nothing to do with the word “emotion” which is good because almonds are not known for being emotional.

Seems to me the committee could use some guidance (seriously, who needs a half coconut emoji?). So, being the kind of mom I am, I have put together a list of suggested emojis which will clearly improve the world as we know it.

  1. Attacking Squirrel – This is a picture of a squirrel that has (somehow) made its way to the birdfeeder and has caused someone (like your father) to go into a paroxysm of the explosive and squirrel-defying nature. Two in a row mean “call an ambulance.”
  2. Empty Coffee Cup – Related to the sad emoji, this is a warning symbol to let everyone know that someone’s caffeine intake has been insufficient and they can choose to argue at their own risk.
  3. Shoe Sale – A type of call to arms (for shoppers) mixed with a warning to Get The Heck Off The Interstate If You Aren’t Going Shoe Shopping.
  4. Burned Dinner Warning – In the shape of a pizza or other takeout.
  5. Explosive Diaper – Related to rock-scissor-paper-lizard-Spock (extra points if you get the reference), this is a game for new parents when the baby has been overly enthusiastic about using his or her diaper.
  6. Sink Full of Dishes – Easily interpreted as “I cooked; you clean.”
  7. Broken Telephone – Signaling telemarketers and election pollsters.
  8. Disastrous Breakup – Clear communication that the receiver’s job is to agree with everything the sender says no matter how ridiculous or contradictory. And to bring ice cream (don’t bother with bowls).
  9. Smudged Nail Polish – Meaning, I’m about to polish my nails so expect a lot of misspellings because not messing up the polish is more important than grammar. Can also mean, someone just caused me to smudge my polish and I am obviously therefore about to commit murder.
  10. Whoop Joyous – The election is over. Let the post-election nonsense begin. Also a signal to late-night comedians that they will actually have to work to find something to talk about.

Seriously, I do not understand why more people don’t consult me about such things.

Love, Mom

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Happy Mole Day!

Dear Kid,

It’s National Mole Day.

I am a Mole. You're Not. DearKidLoveMom.com

Who is Avogadro?

Not the kind of mole that has Dad doing the Squish-Down-The-Mole-Hole dance in the backyard (although, when you think about it, that might deserve a day of its own too).

This is the mole as in Avogadro’s number (6.02 x 10 ^23).

So we celebrate on 10/23 from 6:02am to 6:02pm. Get it?

A mole is defined as the amount of a chemical substance that contains as many elementary entities (e.g., atoms, molecules, ions, electrons, or photons) as there are atoms in 12 grams of carbon-12 (12C), the isotope of carbon with relative atomic mass 12 by definition. (So says Wikipedia)


More importantly, we celebrate this day in remembrance of the mole project you did in high school in which we had to create a stuffed character mole (hockey. I remember hockey, but I can’t remember the exact name….) and during which we learned to say the phrase, “Is going to be a beetch to sew.” Possibly the first time you heard your mother talk that way, which made it funny as all get out.

It was fun.

It was a bitch to sew.

But we did it together and that made it OK.

And you never forgot Mole Day or Avogadro.

Neither did I.

Love, Mom


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Five Ways to Tell Your Sweetie Still Loves You

Dear Kid,

Five Ways to Tell Your Sweetie Still Loves You DearKidLoveMom.comFive ways to tell your Sweetie loves you.

5. When you seriously oversleep on a weekday, he calmly agrees to walk the Puppy even though it’s your job.

4. He’s learned to say “nice shoes” even though he has no idea why he’s saying it.

3. He only rolls his eyes a little when you buy a new bird feeder and throw out the horrible “perfectly fine” old one.

2. He comes home between events just to give you a kiss on the forehead.

1. On a Saturday morning, he lets you sleep in even though you’d talked about going someplace together and then—the man who requires a banana every morning with his breakfast—leaves you half of the last banana.

The husband-person is a good man.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | The Potty Episode

Dear Kid,

Puppy: You’re weird.
Me: Um, thank you? Why do you say that?
Puppy: You always pee in the same place.
Me: The bathroom, yes.
Puppy: And you don’t sniff before you pee.
Me: True.
Puppy: I take my time.
Me: You do.
Puppy: I sniff around, I think about where to pee.
Me: You do.
Puppy: And I pee in different places.
Me: Yes, that’s true too.
Puppy: You’re weird.

Puppy Conversations DearKidLoveMom.com

Puppy: You picked up my poop.
Me: Yes.
Puppy: You always pick up my poop.
Me: Yes, of course.
Puppy: Because you love my poop.
Me: Well, I love you.
Puppy: And so we should–Hey! You have someone’s poop in that bag!
Me: I, um, yes.
Puppy: It smells very interesting.
Me: It’s your poop.
Puppy: Don’t be ridiculous.


Puppy: Yip!
Me: What’s the matter?
Puppy: I was attacked! Who attacked me?
Me: No one attacked you.
Puppy: Don’t be silly. I felt it.
Me: That was you, snookie.
Puppy: I attacked me? I wouldn’t attack me. I LIKE me.
Me: You farted.
Puppy: I would never.
Me: You did.
Puppy: I was attacked.

Love, Mom

Who do you know who would enjoy Puppy Conversations? Share the DearKidLoveMom.com love
See more puppy conversations

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Charlie Brown Lettuce and My Friend the Internet

Dear Kid,

Once again, the “grow your own lettuce indoors” thing is parading around the internet.

This time, I decided to participate.

I’m not sure what makes me think (time and time again) that I can replicate what I see on My Friend the Internet. I’ve been fooled, bamboozled, and let down more than once.

Sadly, this time was no exception.

I followed the instructions:

Take the heart of lettuce you buy at the grocery store. Check. Lettuce. Got it.

Cut the lettuce about 2 inches above the bottom of the stem. Cut. No problem.

Put the stem in a few inches of water and place in sunlight. Okey dokey. Lettuce-toes submerged in water. Lovely little bowls placed in a nice warm, sunny spot.

Wait. I can wait. I’ll even eat the lettuce I cut. Waiting. More waiting.

Lush is definitely not the word I’d use here. Charlie Brown lettuce is more like it. DearKidLoveMom.comChange the water every few days. Can do. Did do. Have done. Still waiting.

Harvest the lovely, lush bunch of lettuce. Um, not really. Lush is definitely not the word I’d use here. Charlie Brown lettuce is more like it.

Dad is refraining from laughing (which is even better for his health than eating lettuce). He is gently suggesting that it might be time to compost the lettuce remnants and clean the lovely little dishes…

Love, Mom

P.S. We tasted the dish-grown lettuce before composting. It was probably the most bitter green thing we’ve ever eaten. Experiment Fail.

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Beauty is in the Eye (or Ear) of the Beholder | and Marriage Tips

Dear Kid,

(You thought you saw this yesterday? Nonesense. That was a figment of your imagination. A premonition. It couldn’t possibly be that I published it on the wrong day.)

We were on our way home.

It wasn’t awful (I’ve heard awful and this wasn’t even close), but it certainly was nothing to call America’s Got Talent over. DearKidLoveMom.com“That was beautiful!” enthused Dad. “Just wonderful. I didn’t even listen to the words; I was just captivated by her voice.”

“Huh?” I said.

“Didn’t you think she was wonderful? I really enjoyed everything about the way she spoke and sang.”

“Huh?” When you’ve got good dialog, stick with it.

“You didn’t think so?”

“Um, no.” A third time would have been ridiculous.

We talked about our impressions of the singer in question.

“You and I must have been listening to different people,” Dad said, utterly unwilling to believe there might have been even the tiniest flaw in the performance.

I’m glad he enjoyed it. I truly am. Surprised, because generally he’s much more critical than I am of, well, everything, but I’m delighted he was transported through performance.

I was not. It wasn’t awful (I’ve heard awful and this wasn’t even close), but it certainly was nothing to call America’s Got Talent over.

We didn’t discuss it any further. Somehow, we reached a silent agreement that I would keep my (correct) opinion to myself and Dad would tone down his rapturous reviews (or at least to play them silently in his head).

That’s the kind of thing you can (sometimes) do after a zillion-many years of marriage.

Or if you manage to understand that continuing to rave about a mediocre performance will give your wife a migraine and possibly earn you a kick in the shins.

Love, Mom

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Do You Know This About Bee Pollen? Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me Sooner????

Dear Kid,

Do you remember I bought bee pollen a week or so ago at the farmer’s market? You might not because A) you were studying so diligently or B) that day’s post didn’t go out properly due to technical weirdness (so you can re-read it here). But I did.

Following the farmer’s instructions, I raced home (sort of) and put the pollen in the freezer as directed.

Then I promptly forgot about it.

Until I remembered and decided it was silly to invest in bee pollen if you’re not going to use it, and to use it you have to know how to use it and that required consulting My Friend the Internet.

I happened to have a few free minutes and so I did just that.

Here’s what I learned based on my extensive research of exactly one site.

Pollen is the male seed of the plant. This is factual and entirely less interesting than when the king in “Once Upon a Mattress” tries to explain the birds and the bees to his son (which I’m including here for your enjoyment because I’m that kind of mom).

Fact: Bee pollen can’t sting you. This is a good thing. But it gets, oh, so much better.

Bee pollen is approximately 40% protein and is one of nature’s most completely nourishing foods according to Bees Weekly interviews. Just kidding. The bees aren’t interviewed and they don’t have their own magazine, but bee pollen is all kinds of good for humans (and bees).

Bee pollen can’t be made in a laboratory. Something that looks like bee pollen and seems to be bee pollen can be made, but if you feed it to bees they die. So that is a big #fail.

It takes one bee working 8 hours a day for a solid month (no weekends off) to gather a teaspoon of pollen. Hence the price which doesn’t quite require a home loan but is still rather hefty.

The percentage of rejuvenating elements in bee pollen exceeds those present in brewer’s yeast and wheat germ.” Rejuvenating?? What??? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this sooner?

According to MFtI, bee pollen improves endurance and vitality, extends longevity, helps people recover from chronic illness and common illness (colds), builds new blood, and reduces cravings and addictions. It may also be the cure for the common election season, but that hasn’t been proven yet. It may protect against radiation and have anti-cancer qualities.

Local pollen can also help people who suffer from hay fever and allergies which is pretty much everyone in the Ohio River area (and by “Ohio River area” I mean USA).

What?? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this sooner? DearKidLoveMom.comBut here, is the second best part (the first best was the rejuvenation part because some of us are aging). Get this:

The British Sports Council recorded increases in strength of as high as 40 to 50 percent in those taking bee pollen regularly. Even more astounding, the British Royal Society has reported height increases in adults who take pollen.


I am absolutely going to start taking this stuff. Be on the lookout when you come home. I will be a 20 year-old who is a slim, buff, 5 foot 8 inches.

Love, Mom

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