Holidays

Reindeer Boobs

Dear Kid,

Have you heard about this trend? Personally, I’m horrified, but apparently reindeer boob is an accepted thing.

In case you’re not as hip as I am, Allure Magazine says

…reindeer boob entails cutting a hole in your sweater to allow for the flaunting of a boob of your choice and then putting googly eyes, antlers, and a red nose on said boob so it resembles a reindeer. 

Here’s the link if you need more info: https://www.allure.com/story/reindeer-boob

I really couldn’t believe women were really decorating their exposed boobs and going out in public, but sadly I was wrong.

There is absolutely nothing good about this fad. Nothing. Possibly even less than nothing.

Here we are in an era where women are reporting real issues and struggling to be taken seriously, and somehow someone decided it’s acceptable to walk around with a boob hanging out? Imo, it’s tacky and kind of slutty. Just because you’ve added a pasty nose and probably can’t get arrested for indecent exposure doesn’t make it OK.

Not only is it generally not acceptable, it’s even worse when the aforementioned fad participants post photos on social media. Seriously, women, once it’s on the internet, it’s ALWAYS on the internet.

Stick with ugly sweaters and writing letters to Santa.

Love, Mom

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What You Don’t Know About Old Man Winter

Dear Kid,

What You Don't Know About Old Man Winter DearKidLoveMom.comWinter has arrived. And I’m pretty sure Winter isn’t happy about ending his vacation in Aruba and getting to work.

I say this because it was face freezing, finger numbing, tears streaming cold when I walked the Puppy this morning. And I don’t imagine things will improve any time soon.

Which means it is officially time to dig out the mittens, fluff up the scarves, and don the hats because being cold is not high on my happy list.

The Puppy seems pretty happy about the snow. Until the stuff they use instead of salt to melt the ice gets on his paws. Then he does his best imitation of an abandoned urchin in Oliver! Please Sir, can you clean my paw?

Once I thawed, I started thinking about winter. Why is Winter always Old Many Winter? Why does no one ever talk about Lil’ Baby Winter or The Twins of Winter? Personally, I think The Twins of Winter is perfect since it seems to take twice as long to do things when you have to don enough clothes to transform into the Michelin Man and then travel through ice and snow.

I turned, of course, to My Friend the Internet.

Turns out, just about every culture (and by “just about every culture” I mean at least three) characterize Winter as a Cranky Old Man and Spring as a Sweet Young Thang. The reason for this should be obvious: who wants to look at a Cranky Old Man in a diaphanous gown? Better he should be covered like a department store Santa. And tulips and cranky just don’t go together at all.

Must go thaw.

Love, Mom

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Some Things Are Just Plain Wrong | The Great Nose Crisis

Dear Kid,

There ought to be a law. There should probably be several, but right now I’m talking about one in particular. 

Some issues are things we can agree to have differing opinions on, like whether or not it’s OK to wear white after Labor Day or whether plain or chunky peanut butter is better.

But other things are (or at least should be) obvious. There are things that are just plain Wrong. Things that are not up for discussion or arbitration. Things that should be completely impervious to requests for mercy.

Things that can never be imagined as anything other than Morally Reprehensible. Things that should lead to immediate incarceration. And possibly a great big old fine. 

I speak, of course, of tissues the texture of sandpaper. 

Not all of us look good with a red nose. DearKidLoveMom.comI agree that there are worse things than horrible, cheese-grater-like tissues. Like using poison ivy leaves as a hanky. But overall, getting splinters in your nose from insufficiently processed wood pulp is bad.

Therefore, I say let us wage a war against those who would, with malice aforethought, render our noses redder than necessary.

Looking at you, Rec Center.

That’s right. The gym. The very place I go for health, wellness, and a good sweat foists (yes, I said foists) cardboard Kleenex on its patrons. And while I go to the gym for a bit of self torture, I do not go intending to aim that torture at my schnoz.

Just sayin’. There ought to be a law.

Love, Mom

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Interesting Facts About December That (Mostly) Aren’t About Christmas

Dear Kid,

Happy December. Interesting Facts About December That Are (Mostly) Not About Christmas. DearKidLoveMom.comIt’s December (you probably knew that, but it’s possible you weren’t paying attention). There’s a lot of focus on The Holiday Season at this time of year, but there are other reasons that December is interesting. Being the kind of mom I am, I decided to ferret some of those Lesser Known Factoids for you.

A group of ferrets is called a “business.” I don’t know why, but I promise I’m not giving you the business by telling you that.

December is the twelfth last month of the year (which you know). But “deci” means “ten”, so what’s up with that nonsense? Turns out that December was the 10th month of the year when the Romans started naming things. Apparently January and February didn’t count as months back then (which you would have known if you’d been alive then. But you weren’t.).

The song “Jingle Bells” was written in 1857 and was meant to be a song for Thanksgiving rather than Christmas. (Imho, it should have stayed with Turkey Day because there aren’t many good Thanksgiving songs.)

December is best known for the holiday season (by which of course I mean National Fruitcake Month, National Eggnog Month, National Tie Month, and National Pear Month). No one cares about National Tie Month. Not all that many people care about National Fruitcake Month either.

Not only do we celebrate the inedibility of fruitcake in December, we also celebrate Light (as in all the festivals of), lack of light (as in the shortest days of the year), and shopping. Therefore, it should be no surprise to you that December is the month when couples argue the most. No light, no cash, no idea what to do with the fruitcake = fighting.

In the UK, more people are given breathalyzer tests in December than in any other month. This also leads to arguing. But with cooler accents that we have.

Saint Nickolas (who later became the jolly old elf know as Santa Claus) was the patron saint of children, thieves, and pawnbrokers. I’ll wait while you think about that for a minute.

According to a study done in 2011, more dentists have birthdays in December than in any other month. I have no idea what that means.

The stock market tends to do well in December (a phenomena affectionately called the Santa Rally). This is not a recommended way to plan an investing strategy.

December throws the biggest party any month ends with—New Year’s Eve.

Hope December is a good month for you.

Love, Mom

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Puppy, Mutts, and National Mutt Day

Puppy, Mutts, and National Mutt Day

Dear Kid,

Just in case you weren’t paying attention, this past Saturday was National Mutt Day, a holiday to “raise awareness of the plight of mixed breed dogs in shelters.”

Puppy: What’s a “mutt”?
Me: It’s when something is not all the same.
Puppy: Like our silverware.
Pi: He’s right. There are a lot of mis-matches in there.
Me: I prefer to think of it as getting away from being too matchy-matchy.
Puppy: Like a mutt.

In general, mixed breed dogs tend to be healthier, more flexible, and better behaved than purebreds.

Pi: Right up to the point they encounter another dog who is very sweet and just wants to take a nap rather than playing. Looking at you, short stuff.
Puppy: I am a good boy.
Pi: Keep telling yourself that.

Mixed breeds are often trained for performances and working (bomb and drug sniffing, search and rescue, guide dog, etc.). Those jobs used to be for purebred animals but the roles are now often filled by mixed breed.

Puppy: I work.
Me: You do not work.
Puppy: I work very hard!
Me: And I repeat. You do not work.
Puppy: Well, I could work if I wanted to.
Pi: Keep telling yourself that.

About 80% of the dogs in shelters are mixed breeds.

Puppy: What’s a “mixed breed”?
Pi: A mutt.
Puppy: Synonyms are hard.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Discusses Thanksgiving Trip | Part II

Puppy Discusses Thanksgiving Trip | Part II

Dear Kid,

Puppy: Did I tell you about my trip?
Me: I’m pretty sure I was there with you.
Puppy: But it’s better when I tell it.
Me: I’m sure it is. What would you like to tell me?
Puppy: It’s a secret.
Me: Ah, I see. Who are we not telling?
Puppy: You.
Me: Me?
Puppy: You.
Me: What are we not telling me?
Puppy: I slept on a people bed.
Me: I can see why that would be a secret.*
Puppy: So I think I should sleep on a people bed at home too.
Me: No.
Puppy: Good, so I …wait, what?
Me: No.
Puppy: But that was what I learned!
Me: Uh-huh.
Puppy: And we’re supposed to practice what we learn!
Me: There are different rules in different houses. Our rules haven’t changed.
Puppy: But I LIKED sleeping on a people bed at Auntie M’s.
Me: I’m sure you did.
Puppy: And I’m sure I would like sleeping on a people bed in our house.
Me: You are doomed to disappointment.

Love, Mom

*In our house, Puppies do not go upstairs and they do not sleep on people beds.

 

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