Dear Kid,

The things I don’t know continue to astound me.

For example, I didn’t know that the golf balls at Top Golf are microchipped and are therefore smarter than I am.

I didn’t know that mac & cheese on a burger was a thing (it is).

And I didn’t know that you can go axe throwing in Cincinnati.

Turns out there is a place (cleverly) named Cincinnati Axe Throwing. Apparently, one goes there and learns to throw an axe and then, wait for it, throws axes.

It’s team building. (I know this because it says so on the website.)

I get escape rooms as team building. I get (kind of) bowling as team building. I even (sort of) get golfing as team building.

But throwing axes?

Seems to me, the team better be pretty solid before anyone is handed a sharp object.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

All of the squirrels in our backyard are connoisseurs of the bird feeder (and by connoisseurs I mean they will eat any and all seeds that fall to the ground). Most of them have tried to climb up the pole to get to the feeders (it is serious fun watching them try to outsmart the baffle). Several of them have jumped from various low-hanging branches to the feeder (at which point Dad chops down the offending branch).

And one of them has figured out how to leap 7 zillion feet from the trunk of a nearby tree to the feeder.

Occasionally it misses or overshoots the landing. But most of the time it sticks the landing.

Dad has named the squirrel Wallenda, which is funny if you don’t know the meaning, but funny and clever if you get the reference.

The Flying Wallendas was a family (the Wallendas) who performed stunts and such in various circuses. They did hand balancing, high wire balancing, and other feats of danger. They were hired by Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus where they debuted in 1928—performing without a net. The net had been lost in transit and “the show must go on” and all. Yes, it was dangerous. Yes, it was crazy. Yes, they did it anyway. And the crowd went wild.

In addition to performing in circuses, various family members undertook various publicity stunts like walking on a high wire over Niagara Falls, riding a bike on a high wire, and crossing the Grand Canyon on a 2-inch wire.

And occasionally plunging to their death. Which was going a little off-script. In a bad way.

So far, our Wallenda appears not to have been injured by any of his jumps (landed or missed).

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s Book Lover’s Day again!

Once upon a time, members of congress pretended to read (these days, they don’t bother reading anything with more than 140 characters). And since their assistants needed somewhere to hide while pretending to research problems, they built a library. (Some experts argue that the real reason for the Library of Congress is that it was the one place in the capital where Congressional members couldn’t talk loudly.)

Founded in 1800, the library behaved itself nicely for 14 years or so until the British torched the Capitol building (which was where the Library was at the time). You already know about the Capitol being burned down because you’ve seen the movie Olympus Has Fallen. The fire destroyed over 3,000 books and caused the Librarian to revoke all British library cards.

Thomas Jefferson offered (and by “offered” I mean “sold”) his personal collection of 6,487 books as the foundation for the new library. This gave congress the opportunity to fuss about what kind of books should be in the national library and where said books should be housed. It was a lovely fight at the time, but compared to today’s squabbles was really only a blip of a disagreement. (“Blip of a disagreement” is the technical term for a squabble that happened in the past and resulted in something actually being accomplished.)

Some of my favorite books. DearKidLoveMom.com

Blah, blah, architects, blah, blah, funding, blah, blah, construction, and on November 1, 1897, the Library of Congress opened its new doors to the public and was called “the largest, the costliest, and the safest” library building in the world. Because what public project doesn’t want to be called that?

The LoC currently has more than 164 million items on more than 838 miles of bookshelves. This means you are unlikely to be able to read all the books there. That’s probably ok, because you are unlikely to want to read all of them—especially the ones that have “extra boring” stickers on their spines.

The Library also has other collections including maps, recording, photographs, sheet music, manuscripts, books in braille, comic books (seriously), and telephone messages (not seriously).

FACT: The smallest book in the Library of Congress is “Old King Cole.” It is 1/25” x 1/25”, which (in case you weren’t sure) is crazy small.

The Gutenberg Bible, one of the treasures of the Library of Congress, was purchased in 1930. The 15th-century work is one of three perfect copies on vellum in the world. It will not surprise you to learn that you are not allowed to check it out.

Happy Book Lover’s Day. Go read something.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I’ve been reading about kola nuts. Turns out that kola nuts are The Next Great Thing. Unless they are the Retro New Thing.

You know about the kola nut from Coca-Cola which originally used the kola nut for flavor and caffeine. The kola tree is native to tropical rain forests in Africa. The nut contains a lot of caffeine and is considered a symbol of hospitality and kindness.

Kola nuts have been used medicinally for a zillion years, by which I mean pretty much forever. They’re a digestive aid. They’re great for chest colds and can help prevent and fight infection. They can help kill prostate cancer cells. And (most importantly) they may aid in weight loss. Say what? Yep, the kola nut can increase metabolism by 118%. Which means that my metabolism might go from non-existent to barely there. Excellent.

Since it contains caffeine and theobromine, kola increases cerebral circulation. Alertness! Metabolism! Optimized digestion! Strengthened immune system! Increased energy! Lots of exclamation points! Let’s go brew a cup!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I went out to car the other day, and there—in the grocery store parking lot—was a car with this bumper sticker:

My first thought was, “How cool is it that someone is thinking about moose in the middle of Ohio!?!”

My second thought was, “Wait. Someone might NOT brake for a moose? How stupid is that?”

My third thought was, “Lunch!”

Because it was time for lunch, not because I was thinking that moose was on the menu.

Moose are big. There not some tiny little thing you can easily overlook. They weigh about 1,800 pounds (yep, there’s a comma in there) and a moose’s shoulder is taller than the top of your head.

They are equally comfortable on land and in the water. They can run faster than you by the time they are 5 days old. They swim better than you too and they can hold their breath under water for 30 seconds.

In September and October, bulls bellow to attract mates. Apparently this works for moose. It does not work well for people. I don’t know why moose females bother answering; they can take the bulls. They give birth to one or two calves each weighing about 30 pounds. Female moose are not frail, fragile creatures.

So if you see a moose…BRAKE!

None of this has anything to do with Dr. Seuss, but you didn’t imagine I’d pass up an opportunity to quote Dr. Seuss’ Sleep Book, did you?

A moose is asleep. He is dreaming of moose drinks.
A goose is asleep. He is dreaming of goose drinks.
That’s well and good when a moose dreams of moose juice.
And nothing goes wrong when a goose dreams of goose juice.
But it isn’t too good when a moose and a goose
Start dreaming they’re drinking the other one’s juice.
Moose juice, not goose juice, is juice for a moose.
And goose juice, not moose juice, is juice for a goose.
So, when goose gets a mouthful of juices of mooses
And moose gets a mouthful of juices of gooses
They always fall out of their beds screaming screams
So, I’m warning you, now! Never drink in your dreams.
–Dr. Seuss’ Sleep Book

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If you had been around in 1940 (you weren’t) and if you’d been paying attention (you probably would have been looking in the other direction), you might have been aware that there was a new cartoon. If you’d been time traveling, you might have understood the implications of a buck-tooth bunny. Otherwise, you might not have immediately grasped the implications.

Bugs Bunny first appeared in his own short (A Wild Hare) on July 27, 1940 (which makes him older than you), and he shot to stardom like a cartoon character jumping on an Acme Products trampoline.

FACT: Mickey and Bugs were the first cartoon characters to have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Bugs is a US Marine. (Hard to imagine him with Gibbs.) In 1943 Bugs wore a Marines uniform in the movie Super Rabbit (one of the Private Snafu instructional cartoons) and the USMC decided to make him an honorary private. Then he was promoted. And then promoted again! Rinse and repeat until Bugs was a Master Sergeant. [Extra points if you know what Snafu stands for.)

FACT: Bugs Bunny was the first cartoon character to appear on postage stamp.

Mel Blanc provided the first voice for Bugsy and it was originally supposed to sound more like Daffy Duck, but Mel went in a different direction. Also, he actually chewed on a carrot while he voiced the carrot-chomping parts (and then he spit the chewed up carrot pieces out so he could go on recording).

Love, Mom

SNAFU stands for Situation Normal All Fouled Up.