Dear Kid,

Yesterday I heard one of the grossest things I’ve heard recently (and I encounter “ick” all the time). I was told that artificial vanilla flavor comes from the anal glands of beavers.

Um, what?

The source was highly reliable, but…hmmm….

So I did what anyone named me would do. I turned to My Friend the Internet. Specifically, I turned to Ye Olde Snopes.

The answer (as it turns out) is a bit of “yes” but mostly “no” (so no need to run screaming to clean out your pantry—at least not because of this).

It turns out that beavers use one end of their bodies to eat (and gnaw trees) and the other to do several things including secrete castoreum which they use to mark their territories. When people get hold of castoreum, they use it in perfumes or as a food additive to enhance vanilla, strawberry, and raspberry flavors.

But the use of castoreum in food is pretty rare. There aren’t that many beavers lining up to have their castoreum harvested. In fact, in most beavers consider having humans touch their nether regions rather unwelcome and scream for HR to take action. Hostile work environment! In addition, there aren’t that many humans lining up be beaver milkers. Which means that castoreum is rare and therefore expensive.

The total annual national consumption of castoreum, castoreum extract, and castoreum liquid combined is only about 292 pounds, which works out to an average of less than a millionth of a pound per person in the U.S. That’s pretty dang rare.

So chances are that any artificial flavors you encounter never encountered anything more wild than a test tube.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The thing about mornings is that they have a nasty tendency to start before coffee. I’m waiting for someone to figure out how I can drink a cup before I wake up so that by the time I hit my snooze button (for the third time) I’m actually awake and alive.

On the plus side, if I start the coffee before I walk the puppy, it (the coffee) is ready by the time I get back. Not everyone during History had the same luxury. I’m not referring to the lack of Keurig (although that’s sad too).

Surprising fact: Four times in Known History (count them, 4) coffee was banned. Which isn’t to say that there weren’t rogue brewers, but it seems wrong to research them.

Surprising fact 2: Dark roast coffees have a stronger flavor but less caffeine than light roasts. (Roasting burns off some of the caffeine.) Who knew?

Surprising fact 3: In the ancient Arab culture there was only one way a woman could legally divorce: If her husband didn’t provide enough coffee. This seems perfectly reasonable. Divorcing for insufficient coffee, I mean. Not that that was the only reason.

Surprising fact 4: J.S. Bach wrote an opera about coffee. Note to self: Consult favorite opera expert for info.

Surprising fact 5: The first webcam was invented at The University of Cambridge to let people know if the coffee pot was full or not. This seems entirely reasonable.

I need a refill.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It is Monday.

Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish. ~Author Unknown

And somehow (as you probably know) Monday mornings arrive earlier than mornings any other day of the week.

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. ~Stephanie Piro

I don’t know why Mondays insist on being early.

In Seattle you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running. ~Jeff Bezos

I practically leap out of bed at the same time on weekends and feel like I’ve wasted half the day. Some weekend days it’s the same time.

And occasionally I leap. But not very often.

Herbal tea tastes so much better when it’s coffee. ~Author Unknown

The point is Mondays arrive on their own slightly sadistic schedule. Without the possibility of turning over and going back to sleep for a few hours.

Déjà Brew: The feeling that you’ve had this coffee before. ~Author Unknown

I really must teach the Dust Dragons to brew coffee. At least the first cup of the day. If they’re going to live here, they really should earn their keep. Mostly it seems they’re lazier than I am.

Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning. ~Author Unknown

Meanwhile, I have a date with a K-cup.

Happy Monday.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did you know that Super Bowl Sunday is the top pizza day in the country? Of course you did. More people eat pizza on Super Bowl Sunday than on any other day of the year. Which is (confusingly) why National Pizza Day is February 9^th.

The most popular pizza size in the U.S. is 14 inches in diameter.

The rest of the top 5 pizza days are: New Year’s Eve, Halloween, the night before Thanksgiving, and New Year’s Day. I find New Year’s Eve as the second most popular time for pizza to odd. And somewhat sad. And delicious.

Because in ‘Murica, we love pizza. We, the People, eat about 100 acres of pizza a day. Each and every day. Most of them have pepperoni on them. And we wonder why we’re not a svelte People.

Pizza comes from the Latin picea meaning “blackening of crust by fire” or “mama doesn’t feel like cooking tonight.”

Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetables on their pizza.

Pizza is a Most Excellent Food at any time of day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, coffee break, middle of the afternoon, pre-dawn, post-late-night. Any time. Hot. Cold. Warm. But not frozen. Frozen pizza would be bad.

Have a wonderful (and not frozen) National Pizza Day!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Last week, Dad and I went to an event for Ohio River Foundation (shout out) at the Streetside Brewery.

(That’s where I met the insanely cool woman who gets to play with otters. *jealous*)

Streetside Brewery is a nifty little bar out in Columbia-Tusculum (an area founded in 1788, which was a long time ago for those of you that aren’t history majors).

Thanks to the magic of getting-directions-on-cell-phone, I had absolutely no trouble getting there (even though it is not my regular stomping ground). I had even less trouble getting home, because it turns out that if you go the other way you run into Red Bank Road and then boom! you’re home. Or at least I was.

I was there more for the people (thank you everyone) and the conversation than the beer. So I was busy enjoying the beer (and appetizers—the grilled pineapple was a-mahz-ing) when flip! on went a set of really, really bright lights and it turns out that the place was MUCH bigger than I’d thought.

We really were in the brewery and I hadn’t realized it.

So of course I had to investigate.

Streetside hasn’t been open very long (and by not very long I mean they opened sometime last fall). They are busy creating all sorts of interesting beer varieties (you can visit their website here) and being Very Nice People (they put up with me, so that should tell you something right there).

If you find yourself in that part of town, I highly recommend stopping in for a brew or two.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today is going to be a terrible night. I had eat dinner this morning (or is it breakfast this evening?) because I was running early for play.

With shoes on my hands, I…

ENOUGH!

Today (it turns out) is National Opposite Day. And it is really, really hard to write in opposites and actually say anything. (Although perhaps the point of Opposite Day is to write and say nothing. In which case our elected officials [and lawyers] near and far should embrace today as their national holiday.)

Mostly, National Opposite Day is celebrated by children and people who like to eat breakfast at dinner time. Which I do.

Which means I have to decide between an omelet and French toast for supper.

Either way: Yum.

Love, Mom