Dear Kid,

Pay Attention!

Today is not the day to go around with your earbuds in and the tunes on High. Today is a day to be vigilant! To Watch One’s Back (and front). To beware of small green people (not the leprechaun type).

That’s right–today is Alien Abduction Day.

We’re not entirely sure why; presumably the people that know why aliens prefer abducting people on March 20th are currently elsewhere, planetarily speaking.

Back in the dim recesses of time (and by “dim recesses of time” I mean 2008), Toronto hosted an Alien Abduction Festival. Some people say that’s where the holiday originated.

If we delve further back in time (and by “further back in time” I mean 1961), Betty and Barney Hill were driving along a dark and deserted road (aren’t they always) in New Hampshire when they saw flashing lights in the sky which turned into a spacecraft. Two bipedal humanoid creatures emerged. Two hours later, Betty and Barney found themselves in the same spot with no memory of what happened.

It was the early 60s, but IT WAS THE 60s! What do you think happened?

Let the research continue…

Way, way back in time (and this time I’m referring to November 1896) Colonel HG Shaw was driving through the countryside (told you it’s always on the dark and deserted byways), when he came across a landed spacecraft.

And I quote:

Shaw described it as having a metallic surface which was completely featureless apart from a rudder and pointed ends. He estimated a diameter of 25 feet and said the vessel was around 150 feet in total length.  

These beings were 7 feet tall and very slender with small hands, fingers without nails, and feet that twice as long as normal and functioned similar to a monkey’s feet, according to Shaw’s description.

All of the beings carried with them a bag of some kind with a hose which they often stuck in their mouths, obviously to breath with. Although there was still some daytime left, the beings also carried with them egg-shaped lamps which glowed.

They approached from the craft while “emitting a strange warbling noise.” The beings reportedly examined Shaw’s buggy and then tried to physically force him to accompany them back to the airship.

The aliens were said to give up after realizing they lacked the physical strength to force Shaw onto the ship.  

They entered the hovering cigar UFO by springing up from the ground and above their craft, and then floated down into the craft through an unseen entry. Soon, the object flew away.

Clearly, this was part of the Martian frat hazing from the days before stricter rules were put in place.

All of these stories are bunk and bologna. We know this because of the detailed notes taken by JJ Neanderthal, one of Mr. and Mrs. Joe Neanderthal’s less idiotic offspring.

It seems that one day, a spaceship landed while Mrs. Joe Neanderthal was cleaning up the cave. The neighbors were coming for dinner and she was trying to straighten up the dirt to make a good impression. The children were not helping and Joe was off hunting something for dinner.

Being that kind of neanderthal, Mrs. Joe ignored the spacecraft until a small purple martian emerged (my story–they can be purple). Mrs. Joe immediately recognized another being to put to work and handed the martian a broom. The martian asked a series of complicated questions including when the wall-to-wall carpet was arriving. Mrs. Joe handled the inquiry the only reasonable way and punched the little dude.

When he came to, the martian was in his spaceship with no idea how he’d gotten there, but a very good idea about not visiting with Mrs. Joe again.

Once this was reported, martian explorers have headed in other directions where they presumably don’t get punched.

Happy Alien Abduction Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If you were crazy enough to be on an airplane at 5:30am this past Saturday to fly to Baltimore only to return that evening on a 10pm flight, you might find yourself tired. You might also find that you didn’t exactly get to see much of Charm City except the Convention Hall, a little bit of the wharf area, and a public transportation rail stop (even though you didn’t get to ride the train because after half an hour of waiting in the cold someone announced that an SUV had sideswiped a LINK car and there wouldn’t be any trains for at least an hour, at which point the Committee reconvened and decided that Lyft was a viable option after all).

Not to worry. I am here to tell you all sorts of interesting things about Baltimore.

You may know that Francis Scott Key wrote our national anthem while watching the bombardment of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812. (Ft. McH is in Baltimore.) Because of this Great Achievement, FSK is honored before every major sporting event, after every gold medal, and on other patriotic occasions. They also named a bridge after him (the cleverly named Francis Scott Key Bridge) which is the third longest continuous truss bridge in the country. (I don’t know what a continuous truss bridge is, but I’m sure Francis’ mom is very proud.)

The first professional sports organization in the United States, The Maryland Jockey Club, was formed in Baltimore in 1743.

Thought: What did people sing at the start of sporting events prior to 1812?

The first US umbrella factory was built in Baltimore in 1828. People who went to sporting events prior to 1828 often got rained on.

The first post office system in the US was in Baltimore in 1774. Postal workers don’t care about rain or snow or umbrellas.

During the 1800s, Baltimore served as the second greatest port of entry for United States immigrants.

In 1844, the first telegraph line in the world was established between WDC and Baltimore. In 1845, parents began complaining that their children were spending too much time on the telegraph and the world was coming to an end.

Lots of famous people were born in, lived in, and/or died in Baltimore. Some of them even knew the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

The first dental school in the world was founded in Baltimore in 1840. Your teeth are grateful.

The first successful manned balloon launch in the United States was in Baltimore in 1784. It was operated by 13-year-old Edward Warren who was really just trying to escape his parents’ complaints about his teeth.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Continuing on with Part III of learning about the number three, we’re on day 3 of threes (Part I and Part II). And we’re talking about Sports. Also sports.

(Huh? What’s the difference? Sports with a lower case “s” refers to things like a three-legged race. Sports with a capital “S” refers to things that don’t typically occur in one’s back yard.)

A regulation hockey puck is three inches in diameter. Also in hockey, there are three periods in regular playing time.

Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh is located at the confluence of Allegheny, Monongahela, and Ohio Rivers. You knew that.

In volleyball, a team can touch the ball three times before it must cross the net. You knew that too.

You can score three points in football with a field goal and in basketball by shooting behind the cleverly named three point line. Also in basketball, referees are very protective of the lane (also known as the paint which I learned from Jenelle); you’re only allowed to be in there for 3 seconds without doing anything productive.

In many sporting events (and by “many sporting events” I mostly mean the Olympics), there are three medals awarded: gold, silver, and bronze.

A hat trick refers to three goals scored in a game by a single player. The hat trick originated in cricket (bet you didn’t know that). “Toby is a dumb name for a cricket.” Three extra points for knowing that quote.

Three letters are generally used to indicate a team or country during competition.

Perhaps my favorite three in sports is from baseball: Three strikes and you’re out. Think about that—professionals getting more than one chance to get it right. Life ought to be more like that. (“What? My stock pick went down? Strike one! Let’s start again!”)

And a Preview of Threes for St. Patrick’s Day

The Shamrock, the three-leaf clover, is a symbol of Ireland. St. P used the three-leaf clover to explain the concept of the Holy Trinity (no word on what he did if you inadvertently picked a four-leaf clover).

If you catch a Leprechaun and set him free, he will grant you three wishes. Be sure to negotiate the wishes before you release him—leprechauns are quite sneaky that way.

There is magic associated with drinking three glasses of beer on St. Patrick’s Day. No one knows what this is because no one has ever had only three glasses of beer.

Wishing you three kinds of happy for today.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Welcome to Part 2 of our discussion of the number three. Go read Part I if you missed it, I’ll wait.

Today we’re talking about the number three in mythology. (Have you ever noticed that when we imitate an echo, we say the words three TIMES, Times, times…?)

The Valknut (which sounds like it belongs in an Opera) is the Viking symbol of three interlocked triangles and is associated with Odin.

There are three Norns, who are like the three Fates (see below).

I’m sure there is more about Norse mythology and the number three, but I don’t know enough to tell you about it (input welcome).

Meanwhile, Greek and Roman mythology is rife with threes.

Three brothers, Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades, were each rulers of the three areas of the world, Sky, Ocean, Underworld. (Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto in Roman mythology.) Poseidon took the threes further with his trident.

Three brothers is a pretty standard structure. Think Hallows, Grimm, and a bunch of other stories. I’ll leave you to look them up in your free time.

There are three Graces lavishing beauty in the world. There are three Fates determining how long each person will live. There are three Furies who punished people who committed the worst crimes (like killing a family member). You do not want to meet the Furies. Or any of the three Gorgons (Medusa is the most famous, but the others are equally nasty—they just didn’t have as good a PR team.)

Monsters are also big on threes.

Cerberus was the hideous three-headed watchdog of the Underworld. Quick, name another three-headed dog! (Fluffy, in case you couldn’t remember.) There were three Harpies, three Cyclops, and three Hekatoncheires (hundred handed giants).

The Sphinx killed people who couldn’t answer her riddle about the three stages of man.

Sphinx: What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening?

Oedipus: Man

Sphinx: Aaaggghh…

Hecate was the three-faced goddess associated with the three phases of the moon. We can talk about her another time.

Speaking of three legs, tripods were sacred to Apollo. You’d think he would prefer a good comfy recliner, but he preferred the three legged stool (probably easier to schlep around and perform from). The priestess at Delphi would sit on a tripod (which makes sense because the oracle belonged to Apollo).

Tune in tomorrow for the threes of sports and St. Patrick’s Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today is the Wonder that is Pi Day. Which means we must think in increments slightly larger than three but not so large as 4 and contemplate the giggle that is your sister.

Since we have previously covered all the interesting facts about Pi, Pi Day, and Pi Approximation Day (and I’m not currently in the mood to make up research New and Interesting Facts about Pi), I thought we could round down and talk about the number three.

Turns out there are a LOT of interesting things about the number three, so we are going to cover the number three in 3 days. See how nicely (nice-three?) that works out? Today we’ll cover the basics of the number three (which includes some not so basic stuff), tomorrow is the number three in sports, and Friday we’ll talk about the number three in mythology (including a preview for St. Patrick’s Day). Exciting, yes?

Let us begin.

The Number Three | The Basics

Three is a prime number, a triangular number, a Fibonacci number, and a Lucas number. You knew it was prime.

If you add all the digits in a number and the sum is divisible by three, then the original number is divisible by three. You knew that too.

Tri means three. Which means Trigonometry test should only have had three questions and the whole class should only have lasted three days. Or three weeks. Trig teachers never got that.

The letters A F H K N Y Z are all made up of three lines.

All kinds of things come in threes. Like See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. And bears, Teletubbies, chances, wishes, little pigs, and billy goats.

Three is considered the number of harmony, wisdom, and understanding. Or at least it was in the 1960s.

A tress of hair originally meant a plait or pigtail with three interwoven strands of hair. In other words, a braid. Which were very popular in the 1960s.

There are three barleycorns in an inch, three feet in a yard, and three miles in a league. No one knows what any of that means…

Joke break
Spell ‘mousetrap’ in 3 letters…
Answer: C-A-T.

If the number of petals on a flower is a multiple of three, it is probably from a group of plants called the monocotyledons which includes crocuses, daffodils, tulips, lilies and other plants grown from bulbs. No one cares because it’s pretty easy to identify crocuses, tulips, daffodils.

There are three primary colors—mostly because there are three kinds of cones in our retinas to interpret color.

You need a minimum of three colors to create camouflage patterns.

According to Benjamin Disraeli (British Prime Minister, 1804-1881) there are three types of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. This is one of my favorite quotes, but I didn’t realize it was attributable to Disraeli until just now. The things I learn…

Thomas Jefferson was the third president of the United States.

There are three languages on the Rosetta Stone: Demotic (Egyptian), Hieroglyphic, and Classical Greek.

Octopuses (octopi?) have three hearts, so I think they should be the new symbol for Valentine’s Day. Camels and cats have three eyelids. They believe it makes them superior. To everything.

Gemini is the third astrological sign of the Zodiac.

In the Tarot, three is the card of the Empress. I don’t know anything about Tarot, but it seems to me the Empress should be #1.

And because it really is Pi Day:

Joke: A round pizza with radius ‘z’ and thickness ‘a’ has the volume Pi·z·z·a.

Ha.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Airports are weird. (I am now an expert, having been through more than one airport in the last few weeks.)

Pretty much everything about airports are weird. Standing in lines, buying things, it’s all the opposite of normal.

For example, in the Las Vegas airport (Gamble from the moment you arrive to the moment you leave! Smoke everywhere!) a banana costs more than a donut. I did not make this up. I was buying a banana (for 17 times the price of a banana in the grocery store) and another lady was buying a donut. She paid for hers with change. I had to sign paperwork and undergo a background check.

Then there’s the whole privilege of boarding early. People shove and maneuver and stand in line for the opportunity to have extra time in the tin tube of a plane. It’s not like it’s a ride at the amusement park. Nor you get to your destination more quickly if you board first.

In fact, the sooner you get on the plane, the sooner you are squished into a small space with the opportunity for massive numbers of people to climb over you to their seat or to bonk you with their luggage. And without access to electricity to charge the phone/Kindle/laptop/Fitbit.

And don’t even get me started on the quality of the air in the jetway.

I sort of get it on open seating flights (Southwest and some shuttles), where boarding early means you might avoid the middle seat in the steerage section. And I sort of understand it if you have carry-on luggage that needs to go in the overhead compartment and you don’t wish to be separated from your suitcase or (heaven forfend!) gate check your bag.

But basically, nope, don’t get it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, they just called my Zone and I have to race to get to my seat.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If one goes to Cozumel, and one should at some point, one should go scuba diving (if one likes that sort of thing) and/or snorkeling (if one likes that sort of thing).

If you don’t like that sort of thing, you might want to find a glass bottom boat tour or something.

The point is, life below the sea is stunning. The ocean is crystal clear, the reefs are teaming with life, and observers get to see a lot.

The fish (unfortunately) don’t have name tags which makes it hard to know who they are. But still—gorgeous.

Not only should one visit the reefs, one should visit the Starfish Sanctuary. This is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. The sand was snowy white, the water was gorgeous, and (wait for it) there were starfish everywhere.

Starfish are not generally the most active of creatures, so there’s plenty of time to get a good look at them. (However, when starfish move, they can move pretty quickly using hundreds of tiny tube feet.)

They aren’t fish (no gills, fins, or scales) so these days they are generally called sea stars (which I find disconcerting because I grew up thinking they were called starfish).

Sea stars live a long time (up to 35 years) and they can be really heavy for their size (up to 11 pounds).

Don’t try to train a starfish (I really can’t help myself) because they don’t have a brain. They don’t have blood either; rather they use sea water to deliver nutrients through their nervous system.

Sea stars usually have five arms. I saw one with six arms, and there are varieties that have up to 40. Which makes it difficult to buy them sweaters. When they lose an arm, they can generally grow it back. But it can take up to a year to regenerate.

Don’t invite a starfish to dinner as their table manners leave something to be desired. When they capture prey, they grab it with teeny little suction cups. Then (ick) they push their stomach out of their mouth (which is on their underside) to digest the food. It can even slide its stomach inside a closed clam or mussel, and can eat things bigger than their mouths because the undigested food doesn’t have to be swallowed. Once sea star is done eating it puts its tummy away.

Male and female starfish look alike so it’s been difficult for starfish dating sites to gain traction. In addition, they don’t have great vision even though they have an eye spot at the end of each arm. Presumably, the starfish figure it all out.

Love, Mom