Dear Kid,

This is exactly how it happened…

Me: Would you like a treat?
Puppy: I would love a treat! I love treats! Treats are wonderful! That was delicious!
Me: Would you like another treat?
Puppy: I would love another treat! Treats are…why are you over by the sink with a treat?
Me: Come here, sweetie, and you can have the treat
Puppy: I Love treats! I…but why are you over by the sink? You are not thinking about a…a….a bath, are you?
Me: I have a treat right here for you
Puppy: You ARE thinking about a bath
Me: Come here, sweetie
Puppy: I don’t like baths
Me: Treat?
Puppy: But I do like treats

Me: Come on, come here, you can do it
Puppy: I’m coming over, but I’m not happy about it
Me: I know, baby, but here’s your treat
Puppy: Here’s what I think
Me: Yes?
Puppy: I think if I take the treat, you will think it’s ok to give me a bath. So if I don’t take the treat, no bath
Me: That is very interesting logic
Puppy: So no thank you to the treat
Me: You don’t have to have the treat. But you are getting a bath. Up you go
Puppy: What?! That didn’t work out right

Me: OK, all done
Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I love being clean!
Me: If you love being clean, why do you fuss about having baths?
Puppy: It’s my job. And I’m NOT a water dog

Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I must run around the house in excitement!
Me: You are clean and beautiful
Puppy: And now it’s time for cheese, right?
Me: Actually, we’re out of cheese so you get treats for behaving so nicely
Puppy: I can work with that – I love treats!
Me: I seem to have heard that rumor
Puppy: More treats!

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

If you drop an egg, you wouldn’t throw the other 11 on the floor, would you?

Don’t let one slip up ruin your entire day.

And you wouldn’t let it prevent you from making an omelet.

Of course not.

You’d clean up the floor, add eggs to the grocery list, and make a great breakfast.

All too often however, I hear people say things like “I forgot to do “x”–the whole day is ruined.” Or “I ate a donut at breakfast, there’s no point in eating healthy the rest of the day.” Or “I didn’t make that phone call yesterday, so there’s no point in ….”

Wrong answer.

There are things in life that can’t be fixed, but not many. Making sure you have the right point of view is critical to moving on.

It’s pretty hard to put an egg back together or to use it to cook with after it’s landed with a splat on the floor (especially if the puppy gets there quickly). So if the goal is to hold that one, perfect egg, you’re in trouble.

But if the goal is to make breakfast, it’s pretty easy to come up with a zillion alternatives.

Find a way to reframe the problem so you really get what you want. I wise child of mine recently said, “You have to deal with the hand you’re dealt.” (Remind me to talk about gambling.)

Deal with the hand you’re dealt, make sure you know what you really want and don’t get caught up in the minutia, and thank you for cleaning up the mess on the floor.

Love, Mom

Thanks to SparkPeople for the inspiration!

Dear Kid,

Me: What are you looking for?
Puppy: Food!
Me: Did you lose a piece of food under the refrigerator?
Puppy: Food! Food!
Me: Would you like some help?
Puppy: Food! Food! Food!
Me: How about I give you a different piece of food
Puppy: I like different
Me: Ok, here you go
Puppy: Delicious. Now we have to get the first piece
Me: I thought I just gave you a piece of food
Puppy: What does that have to do with THIS piece of food?
Me: Hang on, lemme see. Ok, I think we can get that
Puppy: Food! Food! Food! I’m so excited
Me: Well, move your nose so I can get to it
Puppy: I’m helping
Me: Not really. Move your nose
Puppy: Food! Food!
Me: Here you go
Puppy: You have very useful pinkie fingers
Me: Thank you
Puppy: Can I have a treat?

Puppy: Mom
Me: Hmmm?
Puppy: Mom!
Me: Working, you’ll have to wait a few minutes
Puppy: MOM!
Me: What? What is so important you couldn’t wait a few minutes?
Puppy: It’s time
Me: No
Puppy: Really, it’s time
Me: It is not dinner time
Puppy: My tummy thinks it’s dinner time
Me: Your tummy is running fast today
Puppy: I’m not running!

Puppy: It’s time
Me: Really honey, it’s not dinner time
Puppy: But MOM—I have to, you know
Me: Eat? I know you always have to eat
Puppy: Yes, but now I have to go out
Me: Really? Or is this a ploy to get dinner earlier?
Puppy: Really, really. But now that you mention it, I could eat dinner early…just to make it easier for you…

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

There is a very interesting phenomenon going on in our house. Not to worry—I’m on the case and I’m sure I’ll solve it eventually.

But in the meantime we have A Situation.

Coffee evaporation is not like normal evaporation.

Let me explain.

I’ve noticed that very often I will make a cup of coffee (have I told you how much I adore my little Keurig? I know it’s not great for the environment and I feel badly about that. But not enough to give up my adorable little Keurig that I adore. Did I mention the adoring part?).

Where was I?

Right. Very often I will make a cup of coffee, carry the steaming mug over to the kitchen table, read a section of the newspaper, pick up the mug—and discover that IT’S EMPTY!

This is a particularly interesting phenomenon because I am generally the only one in the house who drinks coffee.

Puppy: I would drink coffee if you let me
Me: Coffee is very bad for puppies and you can’t reach that high.
Puppy: Look who’s making short jokes…

I am considering starting a research study to see if this evaporation anomaly happens in other places or just in our house.

Right after I go make myself another cup of coffee.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Me: Come on, honey, wake up
Puppy: Sleeping
Me: I know, but it’s time to get up
Puppy: (Yawn) It’s very early
Me: I know. But I’m up, and maybe we can beat the rain
Puppy: I think I’d rather snuggle
Me: Snuggles are lovely, but you hate rain
Puppy: It’s very early

Puppy: It’s raining!
Me: I think I might have mentioned something to that effect
Puppy: Let’s go home
Me: It’s only going to get worse. Come on
Puppy: Whose idea was this walk thing?

Puppy: You must be very fragile
Me: Why do you say that?
Puppy: You have an umbrella every time it rains
Me: Yes
Puppy: and Boots
Me: Very Fun Striped Rain Boots, yes
Puppy: I don’t have an umbrella
Me: No
Puppy: Or rainboots
Me: No
Puppy: You must have a bad reaction to rain
Me: Something like that

Puppy: It’s raining
Me: Pretty sure we discussed that already
Puppy: You want me to poop in the rain?
Me: That was the general idea, yes
Puppy: You’re nuts

Me: Good boy, let’s go home
Puppy: well…
Me: It’s raining, let’s go home
Puppy: I’m not in a rush
Me: You hate the rain!
Puppy: You woke me up very early
Me: And?
Puppy: And it’s raining
Me: And?
Puppy: And I believe I will take my own sweet time
Me: Why?
Puppy: There are things to sniff and…
Me: And?
Puppy: And I will smell like Wet Dog
Me: Oh, joy
Puppy: Next time don’t wake me up so early

Me: Sit
Puppy: Why?
Me: So I can dry you off
Puppy: You already dried me off
Me: With towel number one. This is a two-towel day, my friend
Puppy: You’re delaying my breakfast
Me: Sit

Puppy: Mom
Me: Yes, baby
Puppy: I don’t like rain very much
Me: I know
Puppy: But, Mom?
Me: Yes, baby
Puppy: It’s not as bad when we go together
Me: Thank you sweetie.
Puppy: Scratch more, please

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

I love it when scientists study the obvious (and by “love it” I mean I think it’s ridiculous).

There are all sorts of useful things for scientists to study, like how to cure cancer, how to save the environment, and why anyone would write such a bad ending for Grey’s Anatomy.

Once people figure those things out, we’ll have a much better understanding of the universe.

On the other hand, studying things like “Literacy Improves Chances of Employment” or whether watching Fox News makes you stupid seems like a waste of money because well, DUH.

Dear Scientists: Just to save you some time and effort, eating lots of fattening food makes people heavier, listening to extremely loud music (especially through headphones) for long periods of time does not improve people’s hearing, bathing regularly makes one less likely to smell like a cesspool, and Band-Aids cure boo-boos.

You’re welcome.

Scientists have once again ventured into the land of DUH because they have spent (presumably) valuable time and money studying whether dogs love their masters more than wolves love random strangers. (Seriously. There was a study. Published. And reported on NPR. I’m hoping they talked about it because it was a nice, uplifting, happy bit rather than because they thought it was news.)

Turns out doggies have learned to stare into people’s eyes because that’s what people do, and to avoid eye contact with strange canines because that’s appropriate canine behavior. And it turns out your dog actually does love you as can now be proven scientifically.

Science therefore has now caught up with what every dog owner already knows. We love our dogs and our dogs love us.

Just to be clear—people have known this since the first dinosaur came home with a big eyed bronco-puppy and said, “But mom, he just followed me home! Can I keep him? He loves me!”

And scientists put effort into this.

Duh.

Love, Mom