Dear Kid,

You can learn a lot at the airport (although you might not always want to). Here are 10 things I learned at the airport on our most recent voyage.

1. Apparently overalls are a thing.
2. Teenage gymnasts can be very dramatic at 5:30am.
3. More people than you’d think take pillows with them on flights (and most of the pillows aren’t travel pillows).
4. The majority of the pillow carriers are not teenage gymnasts.
5. There are people who share waaaaay too much personal information with complete strangers waaaaay too loudly.
6. Your mother is not one of those people.
7. Not everyone can pull off green hair. (This of course does not stop people from trying.)
8. Beads in beards is also a thing (but not in a good way).
9. Nobody sells decaf at the airport at 6am (I had already had my requisite 6 gallons of the real stuff, but I was cold.)
10. There are a lot of miles in the airport. I walked all of them.

Bonus: Best line from a flight attendant: Please return your seat to the most uncomfortable position possible.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you been paying attention to Chinese astrology? If not, no worries; I’m here to help.

2018 is the Year of the Dog.

Puppy: Which is really seven years, so it’s pretty much always the dog’s year.

The Dog is the 11^th sign in the Chinese zodiac.

Puppy: Nonsense. Dogs are #1.

Lucky numbers for Dogs are 3, 4, and 9.

Puppy: What’s our lucky food?

Lucky colors are red, green, and purple.

Puppy: We’re color blind!!

Lucky flowers are rose and cymbidium orchids.

Puppy: You forgot grass.

There are several on-line calculators to help you figure out if you’re a Dog.

Puppy: Seriously? You need help with this? Do you “woof”?

Dogs are loyal, honest, kind, cautious, and prudent.

Puppy: You left out good looking and furry.

Dogs are not good at communication.

Puppy: You jest!

Overall, Dogs enjoy good health for they tend to be happy all the time. Dogs are active at sports so they are resilient to illnesses, such as colds, coughs, and fever.

Puppy: Of course we’re happy all the time! Naps, treats, a good scratch. What’s not to be happy about?

Dogs do not tend to be criminals or seek dishonest gains…

Puppy: We don’t have thumbs! But some of us are not above sneaking an extra bit of food.

…they just need a quiet life and a good family. Dogs are always ready to help others and do not care about their own interests, but if they find themselves betrayed by cunning people they will feel shocked and hurt.

Puppy: What do you mean “betrayed by cunning people”??

They are easygoing and kind, and are always ready to alleviate the workload of others, which makes them very popular in their work group.

Puppy: Let’s go back. What do you mean by “betrayed by cunning people”!?!

Good careers for Dogs are police officer, interior designer, professor, politician, nurse, or judge.

Puppy: I would be a great politician!

Happy Year of the Dog!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In the late 1800s the world decided that it would be a good idea to bring back the Olympics. The idea was that international friendly competition would bring peace, unity, and unlimited marketing opportunities to a world badly in need of all three.

As with most festivals, things got bigger and “better” over the years. Peace and unity got lip service; unlimited marketing opportunity took home all the gold medals and then some.

The first of the modern day Olympics was held in 1896 and the organizers hadn’t had their medal epiphany yet. So the winners got silver medals and an olive branch, and the runners-up got a copper medal and a laurel branch. Very historic.

241 athletes from 14 nations participated in 43 events (9 sports) at the 1896 games in Athens.

At the games in 1900, prizes (like an Apple iphone) were given instead of twigs, branches, and medals.

Somewhere between the turn of the century games and the 1904 games, the IOC agreed that it was too soon to give out Nike contracts to the winners and instituted the medal system.

The current medals represent the first three Ages of Man according to Greek mythology: the Golden Age (when men lived among the gods), the Silver Age (when youth lasted a hundred years), and the Bronze Age (the age of the great heroes). The Age of Consumerism and the Age of iAppleEverything were intentionally overlooked.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Just in case you didn’t get enough info about bronze yesterday (don’t see how that could be possible, but one never knows), I consulted My Friend the Internet and found out a bit more.

The best way to get bronze is to buy it, but if you find yourself in The Wilderness with nothing but some copper and tin, you can make it yourself. If you have the skill, time, heat, and various implements. The recipe is generally 12% tin to 88% copper, but other alloys are often added to make the bronze harder, machinable (yes, that’s a word), and bronzier (that isn’t but should be).

Bronze is used for all sorts of things like statues, third place medals, Age (as in the Bronze Age if you’re too sleepy to figure that one out), and 8^th anniversary gifts (no clue why, but the Etiquette Police say so therefore it must be true).

Bronze has also been used for armor (probably not the finest, but one makes due with what one has), coinage (probably not the most valuable, but one pays dues with what one has), mirrors (whether it’s the finest often depends on who’s reflecting), and bells (because one really can’t sing “Ding, dong the witch is dead” when all one has is a plastic bucket).

Bronze is often used for guitar and piano strings (not at the same time).

Bronze is non-magnetic, but many people are attracted to it anyway.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Turns out that copper and tin make bronze.

You probably knew that, but I didn’t.

There are many documented histories of bronze, but the least commonly known may be the most accurate.

One day, Mrs. Joe Neanderthal was the Parent Representative (and by “representative” I mean enforcer) at the local high school rock throwing competition. Her job was to make sure the rocks were aimed away from other parents (participants had signed a waiver and this was before concussions were invented so no one worried about them) and hand out the prizes.

By the time the meet was over, there were three competitors still standing. Mrs. J. N. dutifully handed out first place (mammoth tusk award), second place (mammoth fur award), but when it came to third place she just couldn’t bring herself to give her own offspring the mammoth dung award and so she invented bronze.

Actually, it was still mammoth dung, but bronze sounded better.

This is the true and accurate reason that third place finishers in the Olympics get bronze medals rather than dung medals.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Turn off your phone! (Well, turn it off after you read this.)

We know people have become highly addicted to their phones and other electronic devices. (Tip o’ the hat to your parents who insisted that dinner was an electronic-device-free zone.)

Apparently, it has gotten so bad that there are now studies about how often people check their phones (conclusion: too often) and apps that can help you avoid using apps. I just read about one where you can set a timer and if you avoid using your phone for that amount of time, you grow a virtual tree (and I think they plant one IRL).

I haven’t decided if I’m more amused or disturbed.

I can remember a time (back in the age of dinosaurs) when meals were a book-free zone. The message was the same (although the data usage a bit different): interacting face-to-face, voice-to-voice with other humans is important.

I am not downplaying the addictive power of The Phone (Word Cookies anyone? I just made it to Cassis level if you’re interested.) Nor am I poo-poo-ing the value of electronic communication, instant photos, or keeping up on Instagram (although I have to admit I’m a little stumped by SnapChat).

However, I sincerely (a word I learned to spell in 4^th grade—grandma and grandpa will appreciate that fact even if no one else will) believe that There Is a Time and Place. And I worry about people who are unable to disconnect even for the shortest of times.

So put down your phone and go turn on the TV for a while.

JK.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There is a Sleep Thief in the house.

I don’t mean there is a thief sleeping in the house (that’s a scary idea). I mean someone or something is stealing the sleep.

I know this because I was awake all night. I documented every minute of every hour.

Have you any idea how boring an entirely dark house is? Extremely boring. It should be boring enough to lull one to sleep.

Apparently it was dull enough to lull one to sleep, but that “one” was Dad.

I watched ridiculous hours turn into even more ridiculous hours. Finally at You’re Getting Up at WHAT Time? I got up and walked a very confused Puppy.

Now I’m going to finish my coffee, search for the Thief, and hope I don’t start napping at 10am.

Love, Mom