Dear Kid,

Getting ready for the Super Bowl is not a process to be taken lightly. After all, the Super Bowl happens but once a year. Like New Year’s Eve but with better commercials. Who doesn’t love puppies and Clydesdales?

Being the kind of mom I am, I have decided to provide you with this Handy Guide to Getting Ready for the Super Bowl for the College Kid.

1. Decide where you are going to watch the game. Are you guest, host, or throwing everyone out of your dorm room so you can watch in peace? Are you going to watch in someone’s room or head out to an environment where there are Public Viewing Options like B Dub’s (less good if you actually want to hear the commentary or commercials).
2. Get your homework done in advance so you don’t hear your mother in your head saying “What is your homework situation?” during kickoff. Do not try to do homework during The Big Game unless you plan to go to the library and ignore The Event.
3. If the event is going to be in your dorm room, calmly discuss the viewing options with your roommates. The conversation should go something like this. “NO SLEEPING DURING THE SUPERBOWL. AND IF YOU DO DECIDE TO SLEEP YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOISE LEVELS FROM THOSE OF US WATCHING THIS IMPORTANT SPORTING EVENT.” If your roommate is from a futbol loving country like Brazil, he or she will totally get it. If not, you may have some ‘splainin’ to do.
4. Arrange for snacks during the Super Bowl. It is perfectly acceptable to insist people bring their own and leave you out of it; you just have to be clear. Otherwise you will be subsisting on whatever’s left in the vending machine and questionable remnants of a burrito.
5. Do not go out the previous evening. You need to rest up for the big event. (Yeah, ok, that’s mom advice.)
6. Decide what time you are going to begin watching. This is not as silly a statement as it may sound since coverage begins far before game time. And by “far before game time” I mean yesterday.
7. Agree with your co-watchers on the appropriate method for evaluating commercials. This can range from ignoring them completely (a tactic employed by 6% of Super Bowl watchers), calmly discussing them (2% of viewers), or screaming raucously at the top of your lungs (everyone else).
8. Text during the game. In the modern world (and by “modern world” I mean your world), it is fairly lame to only watch the game with the people you are watching the game with. Be sure to ignore the people in the room (at least part of the time) to catch up with those watching in other venues.
9. Enjoy! With luck it will be an interesting football game.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We are nearing the Super Bowl (you probably heard about that). And when I think Super Bowl, I think Super Bowl party. And when I think Super Bowl party, I think food.

And when I think college kid I think food.

And when I think college kid and the Super Bowl, I think food.

When I think college kid, dorm room, and extensive chopping and food preparation, I end up rolling on the floor laughing.

There are 4 zillion websites devoted to intricate dips, snacks, and fun food for The Big Game. None of them are designed for a dorm room.

So being the kind of mother I am, I have ever so thoughtfully provided this Guide to Super Bowl Snacks in Your Dorm Room.

Ingredients: A small bit of planning. Bowls optional. No knives or chopping necessary.

Crudité. Seriously? Probably not. If you want something green, check a roommate’s sneakers.

Guacamole. Buy guacamole. Open. Eat.

Salsa. Very similar to guac except you buy salsa.

Chips. Open bag. Improvise.

Snack mix. Go crazy. Open a bag of Chex mix and add peanuts or potato chips. Gourmet!

Need main course options? Not a problem. Pizza, burgers, a splurge on Chipotle, or even hop over to the cafeteria before the game begins.

Decorations. Consider semi-inflated balloons. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Get your homework done before kickoff.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Last night I came home to find Pi making sushi. Since you are the Master Sushi Chef in our house, I did the only reasonable thing: I consulted MFTI (My Friend the Internet) to learn about sushi.

Once upon a time there was no such thing as sushi. This was very inconvenient for anyone who had a craving for a really nice California roll. Of course, California hadn’t been invented yet either, so a lot of people wandered around not really knowing what they were craving.

Sometime in the 8^th century (I wasn’t there, so I can’t be more exact), the Japanese figured out that fish would last if it was preserved and rather than mummifying it (which was not a very yummy flavor) they figured out how to preserve the fish in fermented rice.

Then people figured out you could eat both the rice and the fish and – ta-da! – sushi was born. California rolls would still have to wait a while.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We learned all kinds of things on the drive from Orlando to Key Largo.

Burglar Notice—Just kidding. We’re home. With our Vicious Attack Dog.

We learned there are services that dog groomers offer that we’d rather not know about.

We learned that you should not cross your legs while riding a moped (and that a wreath on a moped looks ridiculous).

We learned you need to be wary of falling coconuts when you are near coconut palms (and we learned that coconuts come from coconut palms not Some Other Coconut Tree).

We learned that vans advertise butt lifts and breast augmentation and that such a van causes much discussion among people who live in Ohio.

We learned there are signs implying that people need to watch for falling bikes in Miami.

And we learned that driving to Key Largo is a Sisyphean task. Let me explain.

Once Upon a Time (not to worry, this is the short version), there was a King named Sisyphus. He was not a nice person (in Mythology, nice people are boring and don’t get stories written about them). Sisyphus had a bad habit of bragging about being more clever than the gods (which as we know is not smart) and of killing travelers and guests (which was not only not nice, it was a real affront to the gods).

Skipping over the middle of the story (you can read it on your own if you so desire), Sisyphus ended up in Hades (the land of the dead) pushing a huge boulder up a big hill. Not only does Sisyphus have to push the boulder to the top of the hill, the boulder never makes it. Each time Sisyphus gets close, the boulder rolls down to the bottom of the hill. So Sisyphus must spend eternity in useless effort and endless frustration.

Like driving to Key Largo through Miami.

Original estimated arrival time: 3:45pm. Around 5pm, there was an hour left to drive. At 5:30pm, there was an hour left to drive. At 6pm, there was an hour left to drive. It felt like we were on a car treadmill—with no potty breaks.

We learned that dinner at Mrs. Mac’s Kitchen is still delicious and that Key Lime Fudge is yummy-to-die-for.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You have no idea how trendy I am.

Turns out punch pubs (or punch bowl bars if you prefer) are the hottest trend in adult beverage gathering spots.

And the newest one in Cincinnati is Myrtle’s Punch House (owned by a woman named Molly who I have it on good authority is terrific). And your mama was there last night helping my friend Keri and some of her fab friends celebrate some iteration of her 29^th birthday.

Aren’t you impressed?

The punch of the evening was Fish House Punch which was a massive misnomer because it contained neither fish nor house (I asked).

According to My Friend The Internet, Fish House Punch is made from rum, Cognac, and peach brandy served over ice and garnished with lemon slices. And (at least at the Myrtle Punch House) it is del-i-cious. One sips it genteelly from punch cups (which you may recall is not one of the 7 types of cups). Pinky tweak optional.

When combined with a bunch of très interesting people, it was a very fun (and trendy) evening.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Puppy: That smells delicious
Pi: It’s my dinner
Puppy: It smells so good
Pi: I will share the smell with you
Puppy: I would like you to share some of your dinner with me
Pi: Not going to happen
Puppy: But you might drop something
Pi: You know I love you, but you are invading my personal space, mister
Puppy: That’s where the best smells are

Puppy: Mom!
Me: Yes, sweetie
Puppy: People are eating
Me: Thank you for that news flash
Puppy: I would like to be eating
Me: You already had your dinner
Puppy: That was a very long time ago
Me: That was just ten minutes ago
Puppy: I said it was a long time ago. Besides, that was that food and this is this food. And I would like some of this food.
Me: That is unfortunate
Puppy: But. It. Smells. So. Good!
Me: Yes, it does
Puppy: I think my nose is going to explode

Puppy: You’re eating leftovers!
Me: Yes, we are eating Thanksgiving leftovers
Puppy: I told you you’d never be able to finish all that food without my help
Me: But now we have delicious leftovers
Puppy: How come I’m not included in the “we”?
Me: Because you’re a puppy
Puppy: You call me a people. You tell me I’m part of the family
Me: I think we’ve had this conversation, haven’t we
Puppy: But it didn’t end with me getting any food
Me: Do you think there is going to be a different ending this time?
Puppy: There might be. I will supervise the eating. And the dropping on the floor

Dad: Booker, come!
Puppy: Something fell on the floor! I’m coming, I’ll be right there! Running as fast as I can!!!
Dad: Right there
Puppy: Where? Where? Where? All these smells are confusing my nose!
Dad: Right there, silly
Pi: What are you feeding him?
Dad: A tiny piece of turkey fell
Puppy: I found it! I found it! It is delicious! It’s a feast! I love it! All cleaned up!
Me: I’m glad you enjoyed it
Puppy: May I have some more?
Dad: Check in with me next Thanksgiving

Happy December, kiddo!

Love, Mom

For more puppy conversations see

• Puppy Conversations and Food Observations
• Spring Puppy Conversations
• New Puppy Conversations
• Winter WonderPuppy | Baby It’s Cold Outside
• Puppy Conversations Translated for the College Kid
• Puppy Conversations and FIFA World Cup Soccer
• Puppy Conversations and the Joy of Quirkiness
• Puppy Conversations| In the Beginning
• Puppy Conversations | What’s In a Name?
• Puppy Conversations | Puppy Plans a Party
• Puppy Speaks Foreign Languages…Sort Of
• Summer Puppy Conversations | Speaking of Hope
• National Dog Day | Puppy Has His Say
• Puppy Conversations | Completely In Love with Tal
• The Puppy and The Cricket | Wildlife in the House
• October is National Adopt a Shelter Dog Month |Puppy Has an Announcement
• Puppy Tries to Talk His Way Out of a Bath
• Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge (vegan) for Breakfast
• Puppy Conversations | Mom Has a Headache and Puppy Tries to Help
• Puppy Conversations | Discussing Halloween
• Puppy Conversations | There Are Strangers in the House
• Puppy Conversations | Ricky The Yorkie Comes to Visit
• Puppy Conversations | Puppy Talks Turkey