Dear Kid,

We’ve now established that there really isn’t anything good about not having a washing machine (except for fab friend Joshua who is looking for a reason to learn how to do laundry in a stream with a rock. Or so he says. But his washing machine is functional, so he may be exaggerating a wee bit.).

In case you weren’t sure, I can now also report that there really isn’t anything good about going washing machine shopping.

I had hoped to walk into the Washing Machine Store, glance around, see the big sign (with an arrow) that said “This Is Your Washing Machine and We’ll Deliver It Tomorrow”, hand over a credit card, and go about my day.

It didn’t work out that way.

Six stores, 4 phone calls, 500 texts, three hours, and 2 cups of coffee later, no decision. But after dinner last evening, Dad and I ordered a washer and dryer. And bought suet for the birds.

The machines won’t be here until Thursday; the birds will be fed later today. And Pi has already lined up some of her friends’ moms to do laundry because she can’t possibly go almost a week without clean clothes.

If you think she doesn’t have a large enough wardrobe, you’d be wrong. If you think she takes crazy good care of her clothes, you’d be wrong. If you think her soccer uniform needs to be washed before playoffs and she can talk people into doing all sorts of things including doing her laundry, you’d have hit the proverbial nail right on its proverbial noggin.

The Puppy is fine with not having his linens washed for a few days. In fact, he says he prefers it that way.

Do not ask if I am thrilled with the new washer and dryer we’ve chosen. Do not ask if my heart is going pitter-pat with anticipation of having new appliances. The answer would not be enlightening. Nor would it set a good example, although you might learn some new words. It’s a washing machine and dryer, not a piece of jewelry or a great pair of shoes.

I’m considering following Joshua’s example and finding a good rock.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Every now and then the Universe pops up and hands me a little present. I am always careful to say “Thank you” most politely because that’s what one does when the Universe goes out of its way to be kind.

A few years ago, the gift was when doctors decided that wine has important health benefits and therefore a cup full of vino is the medicine going down. Yippee and Thank You.

Then the medical profession decided that coffee has heart benefits. This has nothing to do with actual benefits (I’m sure it’s just great marketing from the coffee cartel) but what do I care whether it’s real or not? The docs say “Drink coffee,” I say make it a strong one. And Thank You.

The best part is that I never intended to change my behavior (Coffee’s not good for me? Unfortunate. I’ll still drink the same amount.). But having the Universe’s blessing for my behavior makes me feel loved and special and much less guilty.

Now, once again, the Universe has handed out a completely unexpected present. This one may be the silliest one ever, but since it is a Proven Scientific and Medical Fact, who am I to argue?

The Universe has declared that it is unhealthy to make your bed every morning.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

This, of course, proves that I am The Most Knowing of All Mothers You’ve Ever Had because I only insisted you actually make your bed about twice a year (on the same days I made my bed—namely, when Grandma was visiting). I am so far ahead of my time, it’s crazy.

You do not need to point out that “ahead of my time” and “lazy” in this case refer to the same thing.

I don’t particularly care for bed-making. I find it is a great way to break my nails and all I do is mess it up a pretty bed all over again. It’s a thankless job (in my opinion) so I skip it on a regular basis (and by “regular basis” I mean “daily”). It’s perfectly fine with me if someone else makes the bed; in fact, I like climbing in to a freshly made bed. I just don’t like it enough to do the actual bed-making in the first place.

There are people who do like making the bed (or who think they do since the habit is so ingrained). To them I say “Have at it” just don’t ask me to do the same thing. And now the Universe says we have a Good Excuse not to make the bed.

The reason making your bed is unhealthy is dust mites. Dust mites are the invisible creatures who live in our linens and chow down on the billions of skin cells we shed. The dust mites poop invisible mite poop and we sneeze. Not good for the allergy-affiliated among us. (In a scientifically significant oversight, it turns out that dust mites and dust dragons are not related.)

It turns out that dust mites prefer nice moist skin cells. The kind that get tucked in every morning when someone makes the bed. They are much less excited about eating dried up skin cells (the kind that dry out every day when you don’t make the bed).

So now you have a scientific reason for not making the bed. And sneezing is once again entirely up to you.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There’s this thing that’s supposed to happen in the middle of the night. It’s called sleep. And it’s eluding me. Apparently that last cup of Starbucks wasn’t exactly the right idea this afternoon.

So I am awake. Awake and unproductive. Because there are things one is not supposed to do in the middle of the night. Those things are: Everything That Isn’t Sleeping.

Theoretically speaking, I could clean up in the kitchen. But not only is that Not Sleeping, it would involve a dangerous (and by “dangerous” I mean loud) chain of events. I’d (sort of) like to clean up the counter. But that would involve cleaning up the sink. And that would be loud. And it would involve emptying the dishwasher. And that would be loud. And it might involve stubbing a toe, and that would most definitely be loud.

By then I’d have a woken up the entire household. Do you know what’s worse than me being awake in the middle of the night? The entire household being awake in the middle of the night. And do you know what’s worse than the entire household being awake in the middle of the night? The entire household being awake and cranky in the middle of the night. And I’m darn sure we’d have cranky people if my cleaning wakes them.

Besides, I have to be up really early.  Why are you keeping me awake, child? Let your cranky mother get some much deserved sleep. The elves can do the dishes later.

There is very little logic in my life at this hour of the day night.

Love, Mom

I just re-read the part about me cleaning. In the middle of the night. I am hilarious.

Don’t forget to share DearKidLoveMom.com. It’s a great way to start your weekend.

Dear Kid,

I think I am going to try a new approach to housework this weekend.

In the past, I’ve tried tackling housework projects head-on. It’s never worked out as well as I might hope. But I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out the issue.

The problem as I see it is that the housework is fighting back. When I tackle projects straight-on, the housework sees me coming, marshalls its considerable resources, and stages a successful counterattack. While some of the dust acts to distract me by jumping on the Swiffer, most of the dirt scatters before I get to it and then reaccumulates after I’ve moved on.

Result: Dust Dragons: 3. Me: 0.

I think the correct approach must be to sneak up on the housework. If it doesn’t see me coming, I might be able to lob in a squirt or two of Windex or something before the barriers go up. I might be able to corral some of the Tupperware and shove it into the cabinet before it realizes it is no longer going to be free-range plastic. I might be able to get the laundry done and folded before it takes root.

I envision a home with a new score: Me: 1; Chaos: 0.

Then again, I might decide to get a pedicure and a blindfold.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Watch out world, I have energy!

After weeks of fighting off The Crud (the official name of the disease since the medical professionals assured me I did not have The Plague), I woke up today without the intense desire to go right back to sleep.

I have energy and there are Things To Be Done.

Not particularly interesting things, but things nonetheless.

The Puppy has wisely decided to take an Important Morning Nap far from the hustle and bustle (he made this decision once he figured out that food for him was not one of the Things To Be Done).

Have you ever had a day like this? Where you have the time and the energy to tackle projects that you’ve ignored for longer than you care to admit? (Like cleaning up your room, which is going to be labeled a Federal Disaster Area this spring if you don’t do something about it on your next trip home.)

I feel great.

Off to Accomplish Something.

Hope you’re feeling better, kiddo. Sleep, drink juice, slurp soup, and get well.

Love you kiddo.

Love, Mom