Dear Kid,

Well it has been quite a weekend sports-wise.

The most important lesson we learned is It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over also known as Play to the End.

Just about every game this weekend (and by “just about every game” I mean the two games I watched) seemed like they were tilting toward one team and (after a lot of see-sawing) went to the other team. This was either wonderful or devastating depending on who you were rooting for.

The second lesson we learned is Age is Just a Number. Exhibit A: Adam Vinatieri, actual age: 143.

Animals Love Pumpkin is Lesson Number 3. They do. The Puppy is very fond of pumpkin puree (frozen or room temp—he’s not picky). This weekend we learned (thanks to B roll) that elephants and hippos at the Cinci Zoo are enjoying their October treats. Seeds and all.

It Is Almost Christmas. This is Lesson Number 4, and one we’ll file under “faux facts.” One of the commercials (shown 4,382 times) is already talking about “Last Minute Gifts.” Last minute? Are you kidding me? It’s still pre-Trick or Trick. I get that Xmas commercials are starting already. I’m not even too fussed about it. But “last minute gifts”? Arrg. And who gets a roomba for a cat?

People Inside the TV Can’t Hear You. No matter how loudly you yell. No matter how right you are. No matter how much they deserve the wisdom and expertise you offer, they just can’t hear you. Turns out even if you’re at the game and spend time yelling at the players, they can’t hear you although they appreciate it more when you’re in the same zip code.

Happy pre-Halloween.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you looked at a calendar? Of course you have, so you’re aware that next week is Halloween.

Also, you a student at Ohio University (motto: We’re here to celebrate Halloween!!!).

You’ve probably noticed that the grocery stores have replaced all the food with candy and all the home décor with pumpkins.

Small children are dreaming of ghosts. Large children are dreaming of zombies. Adults are dreaming of snagging the good candy out of the loot the children bring home. Puppies are dreaming of … I don’t know what, but they’re dreaming.

But do you know who’s most excited? The weight loss industry.

I think they have been (secretly) behind the fall feeding frenzy (tailgates-Halloween-T’giving-Xmas). They spend the fall months chubby-ing people up and the reset of the year helping us pretend we can get svelte again.

If only.

There are a lot of different kinds of Halloween candy. Some are great; some are only good.

What’s your favorite Halloween candy?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did you ever have a time when the world just crashed in to you? There you are going along, pushing all reasonable boundaries and getting away with it, and WHAM! reality catches up, tackles you, and does a victory dance in the endzone.

I had that happen last night.

After a week of staying up too late and then driving 432 hours across the United States over the weekend, I hit a wall last night. Both literally and figuratively. One because I’m a klutz; one because I was exhausted.

My brain cells started the whole thing. They just refused to function. They accomplished the basics: heart, lungs, spleen all kept working. But that grey matter refused to produce anything resembling coherent thought.

Then my eyes took a bit of a vacay. Instead of looking around and registering various parts of the house, they stared, fixed, at a corner of the TV without actually seeing anything. After that my eyelids began to stop fighting gravity. They slumped. They slid. They skidded to a halt just before shutting completely.

My chin started sliding elegantly toward the arm of the couch. Time may have continued along its normal trajectory, but I was unaware of its passage.

And then….

                …….

                                …….

…Uh? What? It’s what time? I’m going to bed…

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as peanut butter and jelly. This was known as the Pre-Lunch Period.

Even once peanuts were invented no one really cared or paid attention until the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893.

Initially, peanut butter was a très trendy treat and one ate it on toast triangles while one called oneself “one.” One sometimes at it with watercress just to show that one was sophisticated enough not to spit out the watercress.

Meanwhile in 1901, Julia Davis Chandler invented the recipe for peanut butter and jelly. (All hail the first Ms. Julia.)

Things really picked up for pb&j when Otto Rohwedder invented the bread slicer. Yes, he most certainly did, and he marketed it as “the greatest step forward in baking since bread was wrapped. (Later the slogan became “the greatest thing since sliced bread.”—I am not making that up.) The bread slicer meant that people (and by “people” I mean children and klutzy adults) could make sandwiches without having to handle sharp implements.

With pre-sliced bread readily available, people needed things to put in between slices.

Enter Mr. Paul Welch and his love of smooshing up grapes into jelly, which wasn’t nearly as good as strawberry jam, but Paul didn’t care about that at all.

Meanwhile, the peanut thing was happening. Fact: Peanut butter was not invented by Dr. George Washington Carver. He just popularized all things peanut. Peanut butter was probably invented by Dr. Ambrose Straub who thought peanut butter paste was a good thing for patients who had trouble swallowing (or fewer than the standard number of teeth). Dr. John Harvey Kellogg (you know him as the inventor of boxes of cereal) figured out how to manufacture peanut butter. Kellogg and Straub went to the Fair (the St. Louis World Fair) and it was a hit. A smallish hit, but a hit nonetheless.

Enter sugar added to peanut butter (yum), creamier peanut butter that didn’t stick to the roof of your mouth as much (yay), and The Great Depression (boo). Peanut butter was satisfying, high in protein, and cheap, all of which helped boost its popularity.

Then (this part should be accompanied by an amazing soundtrack), We the People entered WWII and pb&j went right along with us. Peanut butter and jelly was (were? was?) part of the rations given to soldiers—and it was better than much of the food they were served. And with that, peanut butter and jelly became the quintessential American lunch.

Nothing much happened on the pb&j front for many years. Then came the Era of Commercialization and Mistakes Were Made. Like combining peanut butter and jelly (and blech) in a single jar. And inventing a shelf stable way to make peanut butter slices (think individually wrapped American cheese slices but with peanut butter) which avoided all that spreading and bread ripping. Bad ideas all around.

These days, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a staple of most homes that have people living in them. There is much controversy in the world about whether creamy or chunky is the correct version (as if it’s even a question!) but that’s a different discussion for a different day.

Love, Mom

P.S. Guess what I had for dinner last night?

Dear Kid,

You’re living in central-north-east (more or less) Pennsylvania, and you should probably know more than a bit about the baby Penguins (who kept things waaaay to “interesting” this weekend by going into overtime and then winning in a penalty shot shootout).

Wilkes-Barre was founded in 1769 and was named after John Wilkes and Isaac Barre who were British members of Parliament and supported colonial America even though that wasn’t BPC (British Politically Correct) at the time. W-B is located between the Pocono Mountains (to the east) and the Endless Mountains (named for the drive between Cincinnati and Wilkes-Barre) to the west.

Wilkes-Barre sits on the edge of the Susquehanna River and they built a really nice levy area called River Commons to prove it.

Planters Peanuts (named for Mr. Planter and Mr. Peanut) was founded in Wilkes-Barre in 1906.

Wilkes-Barre was the first place in the country people could get HBO (yes, really).

The weather in summer is hot, and in winter is cold. In between it’s both hot and cold (oooh, good lyrics for a song).

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Some things seem obvious.

The problem is that there are some things that are obvious AFTER coffee that are not so obvious BEFORE coffee.

Like not wearing a black shirt to cuddle the Puppy.

Because the Puppy insists on shedding.

#WayTooMuchTimeWithTheLintRoller

Or not experimenting with a breakfast that takes 30 minutes to cook—on a workday when you hit snooze three times.

#NoFoodForMeToday

This leads to our Lesson Of The Day: Do not make major life altering decisions until you are sufficiently caffeinated. Do not Operate Machinery until you know how the appropriate amount of caffeine affects you.

Dad does not always remember this Important Lesson. He has never (to the best of my recollection) snuggled the Puppy while wearing a black dress shirt. On the other hand, he often tries to talk to me before I’m alive.

This is not practicing Safe Communication.

#TakingHisLifeInHisHands

Beware the Uncaffeinated, my love. We are vicious.

Once we wake up.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The other night I re-watched Guardians of the Galaxy (great movie) I AM GROOT. Which got me thinking about Guardians of the Galaxy II (good movie) I am Groot. Love that little dude.

Which got me thinking about other movies and movie villains. It seems to me there ought to be Rules for Villains that movie writers are required to follow.

Asimov had rules robots had to follow. I think there should be rules for villains.

Rule 1: Never, ever, tell the hero you killed his mother/child/love of his life. It leads to highly focus animosity and a laser-like determination to put an end to the villain’s life. The writers will just have to find a different way to fill in the backstory.

Rule 2: If you’re a villain and you’re going to kill someone, kill them. Don’t play with your food. The writers will have to be more creative in getting the hero out of the proverbial tight spot.

I’m sure there are more. What other rules do you think villain writers should have to obey?

Love, Mom