Dear Kid,

It may be corny, but today we celebrate National Popcorn Day. No one knows who invented the day, but here we are. (And yes, in case you were wondering, I checked and there is a Popcorn Board but they have no idea where the idea of National Popcorn Day came from. They aren’t about to argue the point, but they didn’t invent it.)

We, the People, are fans of popcorn (on National Popcorn Day and every other day). In fact, we eat more than 17 billion quarts of popcorn in the US. Not all at once.

A popcorn kernel can pop up to three feet in the air if it’s not covered during the popping. This would be dumb because popcorn would end up everywhere except in the bowl meaning you’d have no snack and lots of cleaning. Which sounds like a bad trade to me.

Warning! Do not store popcorn in the refrigerator. The frig will dry out the moisture in unpopped kernels and without the moisture, the popcorn won’t pop. And if it’s already popped, all I can say is cold popcorn. Ick.

In ancient times, people would make popcorn by heating sand in a fire and then stirring popcorn kernels in the sand. This is not a recipe I recommend. Unless you like sand in your popcorn.

Not all popcorn is the same. While the kernels look the same, popcorn pops into two shapes: “snowflake” (which pops bigger and therefore is used at most movie theaters) and “mushroom.” The shape has no impact on the taste or lack thereof.

Popcorn is a whole grain, containing the germ, the endosperm, and the outer hull (pericarp). It also has protein, vitamins, and minerals although the amount depends on how much popcorn you eat. But as far as I’m concerned, it’s a good excuse for snacking.

Happy National Popcorn Day! Excuse me while I make some popcorn to celebrate.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The other night I went to the grocery store after the gym. My intent was to pick up a couple of things and head home for dinner. In and out.

The parking lot was a little on the crowded side, but I got lucky, found a space without trouble, and didn’t think anything of it.

I noticed that a few of the shelves were less than overstocked, but I didn’t have any problem finding what I wanted and I chalked up the disorder to Saturday evening low staffing.

Then I went to check out.

I’m telling you, Kiddo, I have never seen lines like that at the grocery store. Never.

Every single register was open. Self-checkout was available at both ends of the store. And the lines were stacked at least 8 carts deep.

I chose to wait in the self-checkout lane. And wait. And wait. Literally, 6 minutes. More than 360 seconds. In other words, forever.

After I’d bagged and paid, I asked the woman in charge of the self-checkout area why it was so crowded. (You have to read her answer with a twang.) “Someone hollered ‘snow.’”

Someone hollered “snow.”

First of all, I checked the weather forecast when I got home and there was a possibility of snow. In three days. Mixed with rain. Not accumulating.

Secondly, when we get snow, we generally get an inch or two at most. Then the streets get plowed and we go about our business. We don’t get snowed in for weeks at a time.

And even if it takes a day to get the streets clear, don’t most people have a bit of food in the house already? I don’t understand this panic to stock up on supplies the very minute someone thinks one snowflake might flutter down.

(To clarify: I was shopping because I do a terrible job of planning and Dad couldn’t find the yogurt I asked for when he went to the store a few days before. I was not there because I was suffering from Frozen Vortex Anxiety.)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did you think things had gotten better? Wrong.

Stupidity is running rampant.

Remember when eating cinnamon was the Stupid Stunt of the Day? Bad idea. Really bad.

And then we had Krokodil which was a version of heroine that pretty much guaranteed death. Bad idea. Really bad. Really, really bad. The only good news (if you can call it that) is that most people didn’t (don’t?) have access or interest in trying it.

Now we’ve got some new (and frankly terrifying) trends. These are bad, bad, bad ideas.

Vodka eyeballing is a new—and incredibly stupid—way of getting drunk. You ready for this? People are pouring vodka directly from the bottle even into their eyes. You heard me. Directly. Into. Their. Eyes. The idea is that there a ton of blood vessels in your eye so alcohol is quickly absorbed. Ta-da—super quick buzz. Who cares about things like cornea scars and burns or blindness?

While athletes might not go for vodka eyeballing (after all, if you’re of legal age, who cares if you have alcohol on your breath), some of them are overdosing on supplements. The challenge is that some of the supplements available on the market don’t really help any more than the old fashioned supplements (and by “old fashioned supplements” I mean food), and can cause cramping, weight gain, increased blood pressure, and heart problems. But don’t worry. You’ll look like a stud drinking them.

It’s actually even worse. Because creatine which is found in many of the most popular protein powders and supplements, can cause problems in higher doses. And by problems I mean blood acidity (which draws calcium from bones) and kidney stones formed by the excess calcium. Fabulous.

And now we have a whole new level of Stupid Stunts, and it’s called the Tide Pod Challenge. Note: In this case “Challenge” is neither aspirational nor benign. Teens are challenging each other to eat Tide Pods. This is stupid, incredibly dangerous, and doesn’t even taste good. Note #2: Detergent can kill you if ingested. Your innards are not a washing machine.

If you know anyone trying any of these idiot moves (or even thinking about trying any of these idiot moves), please, please, please intervene.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Speaking of manners, what is with people?

It’s winter. People have colds.

Cover your mouths people.

Geez.

Last night I went to the gym (stunner, I know).

After my workout, I went to the sauna. I watched a woman wash her hands with the vigor and concentration generally reserved for surgical residents before she too came to sit in the heat.

Where she sat for a few minutes and then proceeded to cough. Without covering her mouth.

No! I do not want your germies. I am illness-free and I plan to stay that way, and you, you coughing queen, are not helping.

I’m assuming the heat of the sauna killed anything she coughed around, but if I get sick I know who I’m blaming.

Dad, of course.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Manners.

Those things that Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur taught us about and that Lancelot reinforced ever so convincingly.

They go beyond Please and Thank You (those are still the magic words), beyond holding a door for someone, beyond using the proper fork and glass. Here is a wonderful article (one I didn’t even write) about manners (or lack thereof) in today’s world.

Manners are about respect. They are about acknowledging that other people have their own priorities and concerns. Manners allow us to ask people for favors and then thank them for the favor and/or appreciate that they are not able to deliver on the request.

Manners are about respect and generosity of spirit. They are about finding small ways to put others before ourselves. They are about having conversations on a respectful level rather than from an emotional, biased perspective.

While using an umbrella handle to fling a mug of beer is an excellent method for teaching manners in movie-land and comic books, most of us teach manners by modeling appropriate behavior and gently correcting those around us who forget to behave appropriately.

Manners, kindness, open hearts, and generosity of spirit are excellent things to be reminded about on Martin Luther King Jr Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Wait a minute—whose idea is this?

I get that it’s winter. Yeah, yeah. Cold. I know.

But things are getting out of hand.

According to the foremost expert on the subject (Dad reading from the newspaper), not only is it cold, not only are we headed for freezing rain, snow, and single digits, we are plunging into negative territory.

Think about that for a minute.

Negative.

As in less than zero.

As in less than no temperature.

Can’t be, I say, can’t be.

Never mind what the forecasters and experts and thermometers say, I’m not having anything to do with it.

Therefore, I plan to spend the weekend hunkered down under a pile of blankets with a heating pad, space heater, and large cups of coffee and/or tea, binge-watching whatever I can find on TV that isn’t set in the arctic and playing Word Cookies.

What about walking the Puppy?

He’s not really excited about going out in negative numbers either.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

And here we are, back to goodbye.

Painful though parting be, I bow to you as I see you off to distant clouds. ~Emperor Saga

Goodbyes are generally not easy, and some are more difficult than others.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

I know it’s time for you to head off for your next semester, but—as always—I have mixed feelings. I’m excited for the things you’ll learn and the experiences you’ll have, but I’ll miss you.

Where is the good in goodbye? ~Meredith Willson, The Music Man

Take some time this semester to enjoy being in college.

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I’ll miss you
Until we meet again!
~Author Unknown

Drive safe, sweetie. Study hard. Call occasionally.

Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

Until we next see you! Have a great semester.

Love, Mom