Dear Kid,

The same words can mean different things in different places. For example, “I’m stuffed” in the US means you’ve eaten too much; in the UK it means you’re pregnant.

Actions can also mean different things in different parts of the world.

For example, an upside down glass on the bar in Australia means you think you can fight anyone and everyone in the pub and win. Then again, breathing in Australia means pretty much the same thing.

In some areas, an upside down glass means you’re drinking in memory of someone who has passed away. (“Turn down a glass” therefore means stop for a moment of thought or reflection.)

In some countries, it’s rude to sip or partially drink a shot during a toast. Turning your glass upside down shows you’ve downed the entire shot.

In the US, if you turn your glass upside down, it means you don’t want any more to drink. If the bartender places an upside down glass in front of you, it means someone else has paid for your drink.

In our house, an upside down glass is a sure sign of Wildlife Encroachment.

As in, “Get a glass! Get a glass! There’s a ladybug!”

Theoretically, once a multi-legged critter has been trapped under a glass, it should be released back into the wild where it can do multi-legged critter things (like being eaten by a bird). As long as it’s not in my house, I’m pretty tolerant of multi-legged critters (and by “multi-legged”, I mean more than 4; 4 or less are welcome inside—most of them, anyway).

But to be clear, the more legs there are, the less I want to do with them.

Recently, we’ve had an invasion (and by “invasion” I mean 2) of huge, horrible, jumping, enormous spiders. These guys move lightning fast and cause all sorts of chaos. And by “all sorts of chaos” I mean me screaming, “Yark! Ack! Spider! Get a glass! Someone do something! AAAAAck!” Amazingly, Pi said exactly the same thing when she spotted one.

This is NOT the traditional place for spiders. Or the traditional use of a Wine Glass. We have got to get back to tradition.

Pi and I both buy into the family tradition of bug trapping. We also both believe that Someone Else should be in charge of bug release. Bug release really far away from the house. Like 6 or 7 miles away.

And since the Puppy doesn’t have thumbs, that chore falls to Dad. Which leds to the following conversation.

Dad: I see you trapped a bug
Me: It’s a spider and it’s enormous. Do something
Dad: Why didn’t you take it outside?
Me: Are you insane?
Dad: It’s just a spider
Me: It is an enormous spider. It is a spider bigger than Montana. It moves faster than Superman. Take. It. Out.
Dad: You’re not going to take out one little spider?
Me: It is Not little. And Get That Thing Away From ME!!!!!

At which point Dad chuckled softly and took the spider out. Thus saving a spider and a marriage in one action.

Love, Mom