Dear Kid,

Something about being in a hotel room (especially the first night) often leads to a night of not great sleep.

My first night in Orlando, I slept great. Right up to 4am when I completely ceased sleeping altogether.

Getting up that early was annoying, but it completely eliminated the question of whether or not I would attend a breakfast presentation about pet grooming. I was up, I was going.

The email we got had instructed us to be waiting for the bus by 6:20am. Since the first hotel pickup was at 6:15am and we were neither the first nor second nor third (rinse and repeat) hotel, that seemed a bit early. But, I was up, so I went downstairs.

Bonus points: I met Cynthia, a groomer from California, so I have a new friend.

By 6:30, the bus had not arrived. Several other people had joined us, one of whom had the phone number for the Dude in Charge. She called. We were told to wait. We’d been doing a good job of waiting, so we continued.

The thing about a breakfast presentation is that it starts early in the morning (in this case it was called for 7am). If one is up and about at that hour, one wants to be there for breakfast, the presentation, and most importantly The Coffee. It was 6:40 and I was not yet caffeinated. Neither was anyone else which didn’t exactly improve things.

We waited. No bus.

More phone calls.

A fair amount of joking around.

Still no coffee.

More waiting.

Approximately 6:59am the bus arrived. Very few groups of humans have ever been so delighted to see a vehicle pull up.

Turned out that the person who designed the pickup route eschewed the traditional idea of starting at one end of the route and methodically working stop by stop to the other end. No, no. The person who planned the route preferred the type of creativity employed by the cubist painters. Or possibly spaghetti cooks. Or knot makers.

After a few more loops, twists, and coils, we arrived at our destination. There were hoots and hollers of joy that the unofficially named Sunrise Tour had finally ended.

The thing about a breakfast presentation is that you expect breakfast. The good news was there was breakfast. The bad news was that it had been sitting out for an hour or so before we arrived.

There is nothing good about scrambled eggs that have been sitting out for an hour or so.

Unless you’re on a diet and need a reason to eat something other than scrambled eggs.

Fortunately, the content of the presentation was excellent. As was the coffee. And the muffin that I shared with my new friend Cynthia.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There are all kinds of reasons to celebrate today—I’m sure you can come up with one or two.

So I decided to provide you with the recipes for an All Beer Dinner. Ta-dah!

Not the frat kind of all beer dinner (appetizer: beer; main course: beer; side dish: beer; dessert: cheap beer, because by then who cares!).

This is the real deal. Or real beer. Or something.

We start with an appetizer of Beer Fondue. (Sounds delish, no?)

Beer Fondue

• 2 garlic cloves (or about that much pre-chopped up garlic)
• ½ cup beer (plus some for drinking)
• 2 cups dry white wine, divided (plus some for drinking)
• 3 tablespoons cornstarch
• 1 pound Gruyère, coarsely grated
• 1 pound Babybel cheese, grated
• 2 tablespoons bourbon (plus—ok, you get the idea)
• ¼ teaspoon baking soda
• 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
• Stuff for dunking in the fondue

Finely grate garlic into saucepan; add beer and 1½ cups wine and bring to a boil over medium heat. Whisk cornstarch and remaining ½ cup wine in a small bowl until no lumps remain (this is very important because who likes lumpy fondue?), then whisk into liquid in saucepan. Bring to a boil, whisking constantly.

Reduce heat so mixture is at a very low simmer and very gradually add Gruyère and Babybel, whisking until smooth (fully incorporate each batch of cheese before adding more).

Whisk bourbon and baking soda in a small bowl to combine, then whisk into fondue, followed by lemon juice; season with salt if necessary (it probably isn’t because of all the cheese, but to each his own salt level).

Transfer to a fondue pot and serve with bread, pretzels, and/or crudités for dipping. Or just chug it.

Because, beer.

After the fondue, we’re moving on to Beer Butt Chicken.

The key to great chicken is (obviously) butter, beer, time, a grill, and (even more obviously) chicken.

Beer Butt Chicken

Preheat an outdoor grill for low heat.

In a small skillet, melt ½ cup butter. Mix in 1 TBLSP garlic salt, 1 TBLSP paprika, salt, and pepper. Save this to baste the chicken.

Discard Drink ½ a 12 oz can of beer, then add ½ cup of butter, 1 TBLSP garlic salt, 1 TBLSP paprika, and some salt and pepper to beer can. Place can on a disposable baking sheet (disposable because you really won’t want it back afterward). Set chicken on can, inserting can into the cavity of the chicken.

Baste chicken with the melted seasoned butter.

Place baking sheet with beer and chicken on the prepared grill. Cook over low heat for about 3 hours, or until internal temperature of chicken reaches 180 degrees F.

Do not drink the beer that’s been in the chicken’s hindquarters.

Eat the chicken.

To go along with the Beer Butt Chicken, I suggest Green Beans in Beer Sauce.

Green Beans in Beer Sauce

• 1/3 of a pound of sliced bacon, diced (adjust for the amount you’ll snack on)
• 1 package (16 oz) frozen cut green beans (see how easy this is?); leave the green beans out to thaw
• 1/3 cup beer (drink the rest)
• 1/3 cup butter, cubed (throw any extra on the chicken—it won’t complain)
• 3 TBLSP brown sugar
• 3 TBLSP white vinegar
• 4 tspns cornstarch
• 2 tspns grated onion (or a bunch of onion powder)

Cook bacon in a large skillet over medium heat until crisp. Try not to eat all of it.

In a large saucepan, bring the beans, beer, and butter to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 8-10 minutes or until beans are crisp-tender.

Using a slotted spoon, remove bacon to paper towels to drain. Remove beans with a slotted spoon and keep warm.

In a small bowl, combine the brown sugar, vinegar, cornstarch, and onion until blended. Stir into the saucepan. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 1-2 minutes or until thickened. Add beans; heat through. Sprinkle with bacon. 

I assume you’re making your own bread. Here’s a recipe for beer bread.

Beer Bread

• 3 cups flour (sifted—this is very, very important if you don’t want to be eating a brick)
• 3 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• ¹⁄₄ cup sugar
• 1 (12 ounce) can beer
• ¹⁄₂ cup melted butter

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Mix dry ingredients and beer and pour into a greased loaf pan.

Pour melted butter over mixture.

Bake 1 hour, remove from pan and cool for at least 15 minutes.

And of course dessert. I offer two options. First is Chocolate Guinness Cake.

Chocolate Guinness Cake

• 1 cup Guinness (because, beer)
• ½ cup butter, cubed (are you noticing a beer and butter theme here?)
• 2 cups sugar
• 3/4 cup baking cocoa
• 2 eggs, beaten
• 2/3 cup sour cream
• 3 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda

TOPPING:

• 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
• 1-1/2 cups confectioners’ sugar
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

Grease a 9-in. springform pan (you can borrow mine) and line the bottom with parchment paper; set aside.

In a small saucepan, heat beer and butter until butter is melted. Remove from the heat; whisk in sugar and cocoa until blended. Combine the eggs, sour cream, and vanilla; whisk into beer mixture. Seriously, whisk.

Combine flour and baking soda; whisk into beer mixture until smooth. Pour batter into prepared pan.

Bake at 350° for 45-50 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool completely in pan on a wire rack. Remove sides of pan.

For the topping:

In a large bowl, beat cream cheese until fluffy. Add confectioners’ sugar and cream; beat until smooth (do not over-beat). Ice top of cake so that it resembles a frothy pint of beer. Refrigerate leftovers. (Um, what leftovers?)

Option 2 for dessert: Beer Cookies

Beer Cookies

• 2 Cups flour
• ½ tspn baking soda
• ½ Cup brown sugar (packed tightly)
• 1 tspn cinnamon
• ½ Cup butter
• 1 ¼ Cup beer, at room temperature (drink the rest)
• ½ Cup walnuts (or not)

Preheat oven to 350.

Cream together butter and brown sugar. Cut in flour, baking soda, and cinnamon. Blend in beer slowly to form a soft dough.

Drop by teaspoonfuls onto a baking sheet (lined with parchment paper if you’re smart) and top with a walnut piece (or not).

Bake 12-15 minutes until lightly brown. Cool one minute on cookie sheet and remove to wire rack.

Happy Birthday, Kiddo!

Love, Mom

Disclaimer: I haven’t made any of the recipes. But they sound good and MFtI recommended them. So enjoy.

Dear Kid,

And how things can change in a day.

Turns out that the east coast of These Here United States is going to get about a Vortex-full of snow and my trip to New Jersey has been rescheduled. To April. When presumably it will not be polar bear season in Newark.

The airline is rejoicing. Oh, no problem! We’ll happily exchange your $357 ticket for a $250 ticket (do not pass go, do not collect a refund). And thank you so much for staying out of our hair during what we are sure will be a rather nasty few days.

Dear Burglars,

I told you not to get your hopes up.

In other news, today is National Cereal Day. (Yesterday was National Oreo Day—how did I miss celebrating that one?!)

Factoid: CheeriOats was the original name for Cheerios

National Cereal Day is ridiculously easy to celebrate. Just pour a bowl of cereal and enjoy.

Factoid: The cereal industry uses over 800 million pounds of sugar a year (so it is closer to National Oreo Day than I thought…)

It’s not clear if National Cereal Day refers only to cold cereal. But since we’re about to be gripped in Vortex of Polar Proportions, I say go for it and eat oatmeal if you want.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Do you know about Mojitos?

While we were on our trip, Dad and I had Mojitos. This was a very exciting moment for your papa as it was his first Mojito.

He was a happy camper.

Mojitos are traditionally made with mint leaves (lightly muddled, please), lime juice (freshly squeezed, please), sugar or simple syrup, crushed ice, rum, soda water (just a splash, please), more mint (for garnish, doncha know), and a slice of lime (because this drink deserves two garnishes).

Mojitos have been around for a very long time (they were not invented by Mrs. Joe Neanderthal, but that’s just because she didn’t hold with diluting alcohol with anything).

It’s possible that Sir Francis Drake helped invent the Mojito in Cuba. At the time, the mojito-like drink was medicinal (it was good for treating scurvy and dysentery, both of which grand supply).

People in Cuba and Miami have been happily drinking Mojitos for the last 500 years. Hemingway was a huge fan as was Brigitte Bardot. In recent years, the Mojito got a big boost in popularity when James Bond (Pierce Brosnan’s version) gave up his martini for a Mojito. Then Sam (from Burn Notice) drank Mojitos regularly (and irregularly).

According to My Friend the Internet, Mojitos are very popular in Poland. And Britain.

Because people think they can, there are number of variations on the Mojito theme. A Mexican Mojito uses tequila instead of rum. A Dirty Mojito uses dark spiced rum, brown sugar, and key limes. The English Mojito uses gin and Sprite instead of rum and soda (and they generally garnish with a cucumber and an accent).

Cheers!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You know how sometimes life can be confusing? You don’t know whether you’re coming or going or which way is up. While I can’t solve all the problems in The Universe, I can help with one of the biggest challenges: figuring out whether you’re on a cruise.

1. The comedians all get way too much mileage out of the phrase “drink package.”
2. There are signs reminding you that the fish woven into the carpeting are swimming to the front of the boat.
3. The room is swaying and you haven’t yet begun taking advantage of the “drink package.”
4. No one ever says, “Why isn’t there any food available?”
5. The towels take it upon themselves to show up in animal form. (Just wait–there’s more coming about towel animals.)
6. Booze (in all forms) is far more plentiful than water (see “drink package”).
7. You can (and do) eat six desserts (at breakfast) and no one blinks.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We went to our first cruise champagne art auction. They had some really great art on board (Agam, Britto, Maxx).

These were not the pieces they were giving away cheap.

These were pieces that were price to take up our entire food budget for the next 18 years. Since I feel strongly about being fed, we did not invest.

But I drooled.

Extensively. (And expensively.)

And we won a bottle of champagne in the raffle. So there were plenty of bubbles to smile about.

Love, Mom