Dear Kid,

That horrible, eardrum shattering, twisted metal, nails on a chalkboard screech you just heard was the world shuttering to a halt.

It is not a good day. Do not buy a Lottery ticket, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not even think about unicorns with rainbow poop.

I cannot connect to the internet. (For the record, I am posting this from Dad’s computer.)

Last night, I upgraded to Windows 10.

Just to be clear, I know that Technology and I do not exactly have the greatest of all relationships. I know that I am capable of shutting down HAL-sized machines just by being part of the same universe. And I know that one does not instantly run out and adopt the latest and greatest new operating system; one waits for the bugs to be discovered and corrected. Especially if One is Me.

I did not try to adopt Windows 10 the instant it was offered. I waited patiently. (No, seriously, I was patient. It was not a matter of Great Interest to me.) I watched others, I read reviews, I talked to Knowledgeable People, and mostly I waited.

When the aforementioned Knowledgeable People indicated the coast was clear, the bugs were zapped, and the upgrade was safe, I still waited.

Finally, last night I thought, What the heck.

Let me tell you, what-the-heck.

Not only does the upgrade take about 17 hours (during which I made soup, cleaned out three cabinets, and watched reruns of Burn Notice), it requires you to shut down and restart several many times.

No problem. Burn Notice.

But then—and this, my dear child is where things went Oh, So Terribly Wrong—my lovely, darling sweet computer turned into a stubborn hunk of metal.

It simply refused to connect to the internet.

At all.

Shut down. Restart.

Same refusal.

Click all the Let-Me-Help-You buttons. They require an internet connection. ARRRRG!

Twelve hours later, I have not resolved the problem.

I am not, just in case you were confused about the matter, a happy camper.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

ODE TO THE INTERNET
On a painfully slow day

I sit and wait for you to load
You’re not as fast as I was told
The time it takes is gone for good
Come on! This is my livelihood!

I sit and wait for you to load
It’s long past time you finally showed
And trust me now, I won’t forget.
I need to reach the internet.

I sit and wait for you to load
And now my dinner’s growing cold
And still I wait and wait and wait.
I’m getting bored; it’s getting late.

I sit and wait for you to load
I’m going into panic mode
I’ve got to get my story set
I’ve got to reach the internet!

I sit and wait for you to load
I think my head just might explode
As time continues not to fly
Without the ‘net, I just might die!

I sat and waited all night long
I even wrote this little song
A wasted night that I regret
I still can’t reach the internet…

Love, Mom

You want to share this one, don’t you? Go ahead. It’s OK.

Dear Kid,

Are you going to carve a pumpkin this year?

I haven’t decided either. But in the “better spend some time surfing the internet for ideas I’ll never carve rather than dusting something” vein, I took a quick look for jack-o’-inspiration.

Four hours later, I feel completely inadequate.

It is amazing how many people spend time (lots of time) and talent (lots of talent) carving pumpkins. That’s not a slam—I’m impressed. If I had their talent I might do the same thing (oh, who am I kidding).

Once I had my fill of complicated and intricate pumpkin carving voyeurism (did I mention the 7 hours of web surfing?), I moved on to the Easy Options Category.

I found the traditional jack-o-lanterns, less traditional jack-o-sparrows, happy faces, sad faces, scary faces (extra points for the one where the carver used toothpicks as jagged teeth), political figures (very unrealistic since they are silent), a minion (yes, might be my personal fave), college logos, college mascots (not sure they fall in the easy category), abstract designs (just punch a bunch of holes), and billions and billions more.

It is not easy to live up to internet expectations of pumpkin carving. Even squirrels are in the pumpkin carving game.

Fortunately, I don’t give a fig about the internet’s expectations of my pumpkin carving abilities.

Because there is no way I can compete with a squirrel.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Yesterday I got to help the Awesome Sue of Best Friend Errand Service (shameless plug for her business) set up for the Samuel Adams Octoberfest employee party. More about that tomorrow. One of the cool things we got to see while we were there was the new mural on the side of the brewery.

The mural was done this summer as part of the ArtWorks program with the youth apprentices (apprentici?). As in the same program that wonderful Zoe participated in (albeit on a different mural). I don’t know any of the kids who worked on this one, but it is amazing nonetheless.

The mural depicts the history of brewing here in the Queen City.

Did you know that King Gambrinus is considered the patron saint of beer? That’s him on the far left of the mural. According to My Friend the Internet, Gambrinus isn’t actually a saint of anything but since I’m not one to let facts get in the way of a good legend, I say we go with the patron saint thing.

At King Gambrinus’ feet is the Miami Erie Canal which used to transport materials and goods through Cincinnati.

Then comes the barrel room with the stain glass (I’ll show you pix of the Real Thing soon), wonderful farm ingredients for beer, and the “Louis” beer kettles.

After that Findlay Market, the Cincinnati skyline (the buildings, not the chili), and Genius of Water (better known for standing in the fountain downtown) raising her glass to King G and the people of Cincinnati.

The coolest part of the mural, however, is that there are hidden elements. Not the periodic table kind of elements, but hidden pictures (I knew to call them “elements” because the information flyer about the mural calls them elements.)

There is a big beer bottle on its side (found it), two Samuel Adams perfect pint glasses (found one so far), a flying pig (FINALLY found it), and the word CINCINNATI (still looking; it’s driving me crazy). Here’s a link to a clearer depiction of the mural if you want to try to find the hidden elements.

For the record, it is VERY cool that we have this kind of public art project in Cincinnati. It would be even cooler if someone would show me the second pint glass and the word Cincinnati…

Love, Mom

Yes, Zoe is going to update me on mural she worked on. Very Soon. (Right, Zoe?) Here are the first two parts of that in case you’ve forgotten.

Cincinnati ArtWorks Mural | Teen Interns Participate

ArtWorks Summer Apprentice Program Part II

Dear Kid,

Do you know where the phrase “done and done” comes from? Neither did I until I turned to My Friend the Internet to fill me in.

And I quote:

A finalization between two gentlemen’s agreement. Usually to do with a wager or bet. era:~1800s~

first man: is it a deal?  second man: done!  first man: done!  third man: done and done between two gentlemen is enough

Do you know who invented solitaire? Neither do I. Amazingly, MFTI wasn’t all that clear on the subject either (then again, I only looked at one website, so perhaps I can’t condemn the entire webisphere).

I did find out that solitaire (the original kind with actual cards) may have started as a form of fortune telling.

The first known written description of solitaire is from 1783 where it was described in a German book of games as a competitive card game where people took turns or played with separate decks of cards. This flies in the face of solitaire being a solitary game. MFTI thinks the idea of playing alone came because people enjoyed practicing (alone) for competitive games more than they enjoyed playing with other people.

Which is certainly food for thought.

In the second half of the twentieth century, most modern games of solitaire (also known as “Patience” but without the melodies) were created and there are now more than 100 “distinctly individual solitaire games, with that number reaching more than 1,000 when you consider minor variations.”

Done and done.

Love, Mom