Dear Kid,

Grandma is in the hospital for a few days. Knowing her, this is not easy since they expect you to rest and relax and follow their rules when you’re in the hospital.

Grandma is not known for resting and relaxing on someone else’s schedule.

So being the kind of kid I am, I turned to My Friend the Internet for ideas on how to entertain oneself when one is supposed to be Taking It Easy rather than scaling mountains.

And MFTI let me down. In a big way.

Oh, there were ideas. They were just 17 kinds of awful. Maybe 18.

So I turned to The People of Facebook for ideas, and TPoF did not let me down. (Thank you FB friends!)

In no particular order, here are

• Books, audio books, Kindle books
• Movies
• Knitting
• Adult coloring books (‘Adult’ as in ‘for grown ups’ not as in ‘XXX’)
• Sudoku and crosswords
• Magazines
• Play soothing spa music in your room so the nurses hang out there
• Organize photos for albums (which sounds like work to me)
• Investigate the family tree through Ancestry.com

Nobody mentioned “Talk to the nurses about your grandchildren” or “Tell the medical staff about DearKidLoveMom.com”; clearly an oversight.

Of all the great suggestions, my all-time fave was (wait for it): Bring her some scrap metal and an arc welder. (Yep, I am still giggling too.)

Mostly, I hope she’ll relax, rest, recover, and head home soon. Those would be good things to add to a hospital to-do list.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s that time of year.

The time of year when—if you don’t like scary movies—you have to be very careful about randomly searching for something to watch on TV.

It’s the Halloween-y time of year when the people in charge of deciding what to put on the airwaves cablewaves love their jobs because it’s easy. Late October? Roll out the Halloween movies! Let there be scary!

Zombies? Bring ‘em on. Crazy people killing crazy people? Add them to the schedule. Ability to market “shock and terrify”? Bring on the advertising!

And those of us who are not fans of terror? Beware the ads, beware the commercials, beware the sneak previews, and mostly beware of channel surfing.

On the other hand, if you love scary movies, you shouldn’t have any trouble finding something to watch.

I was going to make you a list of the best scary movies, but then I saw some of the titles and the movie posters and I decided if I ever want to sleep again maybe making a scary movie list wasn’t such a good idea.

I’ll stick with happy little ghosts and cheerful pumpkins and candy.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Eleven years ago, international politics was not at the top of your list of interests. If memory serves, it was nowhere on your list of interests. Yet some things seem to stick in our communal memory no matter how old we are.

On December 13, 2003, the American military (go Team!) executed Operation Red Dawn which sounds like a movie title because the operation was named after the Patrick Swayze movie Red Dawn. [Extra points if you can name the best Patrick Swayze movie ever. There is a correct answer.]

Operation Red Dawn was conducted in the Iraqi town of ad-Dawr (near Tikrit) by the 1^st Brigade Combat Team of the 4^th Infantry Division with Special Forces from Task Force 121—an elite and covert joint special operations team. They were assigned the mission of capturing or killing Saddam Hussein.

The team searched two sites based intelligence that Hussein was in the area. No Saddam. But being the kind of soldiers they are (namely American) they continued searching nearby suspicious looking spots and found Hussein in a “spider hole.”

A “spider hole” is military talk for a highly camouflaged, one-person foxhole which is generally shoulder deep. Spider holes are used as observation posts or (as in this case) hiding spots.

A military historian I’ve never heard of says the term spider hole was first used in the Civil War. However, according to William Safire (who knows pretty much everything about our American language) the term was first used during the Vietnam War where one of the characteristics of holes was a large clay pot big enough for a crouching man. The clay pot protected the person from spiders and snakes. Guess who I’m going to assume is correct?

This particular spider hole was pretty darn big (big enough for an evil terrorist to lie down at the bottom). Saddam (the evil terrorist) did not resist capture (apparently the sacrifice yourself for the cause thing was for Other People not him). Instead, El Brave-o presumably said, “I am Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.”

I am quite sure my thoughts are by no means the rudest on the planet, but I’m quite sure they aren’t the kindest either.

Love, Mom

The Best Patrick Swayze move ever is Dirty Dancing. Duh.

Dear Kid,

You, my darling, may be the most wonderful BoyChild ever. As in Of All Time.

I generally feel this way about you, but last night you proved your wonderfulness Beyond A Shadow of Doubt. You alerted me to The News that there will be a Minion movie next summer.

I am (as you may have guessed) Beyond Excited. Banana (just getting in the mood).

As you probably assumed I would, I looked up the History of Minions.

Minions are more adorable than smart. They are more yellow than smart. And they are more loyal than smart. But they are So Darn Cute!

Minions have existed since the beginning of time. Their Purpose is to serve the most Seriously Ambitious Villain available. They have (had?) an unfortunate habit of loving and serving their master to death (say goodbye to Genghis Khan, Dracula, and Napoleon). Fast forward to the 1960s when Kevin decides they can no longer survive without a master and he, Stuart, and Bob set out to find a villain.

Which they find at a villain convention (that is so perfect!). I am trying to type this while rolling around on the floor howling with laughter.

This should make you laugh too. Or at least smile. (Be sure your sound is on.)

Want to go to the movies with me next summer? I’m buying the popcorn.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The weekend has come and gone. As have the Bengals who were kind enough to provide sportscasters and the entire population of Cincinnati with something to talk about by making it look easy to lose a playoff game. This will undoubtedly be the number 2 Most Discussed Item in the TriState Area. Number 1 being the weather which is cold.

The High School (to which your sister was supposed to return today) has a new definition of “inclement”. As in: Schools will be closed today due to inclement weather. Apparently I am not the only one who is a complete wimp about temperatures in negative numbers as the entire district is shutting its educational doors for the day. This did not displease Pi.

Why is it so flippin’ cold? Turns out we are suffering from a Polar Vortex. (Which, as Dave Barry might say, would be an excellent name for a rock band.)

What is a polar vortex? you ask. And is there an antidote?

A polar vortex is a whopping big arctic cyclone, spinning seriously cold air at seriously fast speeds (100mph or more). The speed tends to keep the vortexes (vortices?)  at the poles where they belong, keeping polar bears, penguins, and Santa happy.

However, every now and then a vortex throws a tantrum and breaks off from the rest of the cyclone. This is what is happening now. And a vortex tantrum is not something you can deal with by issuing a 5 minute time out.

Thematically, it would be a great day to see the Disney movie Frozen. (I can now add Frozen to my to-do list, since I finally saw Despicable Me 2. Loved it! Thank you.) Practically, it is a good day to stay inside, stay warm, and stay safe.

I, on the other hand, have to walk the puppy. If I’m not back in a reasonable amount of time, send a search party. With handwarmers.

Think warm thoughts.

Love, Mom

Need a good way to stay warm today? Sign up to have DearKidLoveMom delivered straight to your email. It’s easy and won’t make you any colder than you already are.

Seriously everyone. Stay warm and stay safe.