Dear Kid,

And then, with the snap of a ball, football season began.

Last night was the start of high school football season (at least for our team). We began with a scrimmage (“scrimmage” means it’s mostly unofficial, the rules are slightly different, coaches get to be on the field and yell at players close up, and the only people who care about which team won are on the winning team).

Fortunately, it was a lovely evening and a good time was had by all.

And my friend Stacey is selling a boat, so if you know anyone who’s interested…

Tonight we are heading downtown for the Bengals’ pre-season game. This will be my first live-and-in-person major league football game. I’m telling you, this is quite a sports week for me. First baseball, then football, then football. I am very excited.

Years and years ago, a certain little boy (not naming names or anything) liked to watch football on TV. His little sister (still not naming names) would ask lots and lots of questions during the game which frustrated the little boy. The frustrated little boy (who chose to solve this particular annoyance by ignoring it) and the Dad-of-selective-hearing expressed Utmost Surprise when the hilarious and lovely mother barked at them for not answering the little girl’s questions. “Don’t you want her to enjoy watching football with you?” said that very same brilliant Madre. “You won’t like it at all if she wants to watch something different and you want to watch football.” Sage-like. [But not from an actual sage because that role’s taken.]

In an act of selflessness, deep insight, and a bit of self-preservation, the little boy (after heaving a might sigh to show just how unjust the world was being) took it upon himself to teach the little girl about football. At least until the next commercial.

And see where we are now? Watching the GirlChild play varsity football and going to a major league football game.

Did I mention that my friend Stacey is selling a boat? She didn’t tell me the boat’s name, but I understand that boats are fairly indifferent to being renamed.

I was going to look up all sorts of interesting statistics about the Jets vs Bengals game but my laptop is still sick and seems to be running some sort of fever at the moment. Not to worry—I can still provide lots of pregame analysis.

One of the teams playing is expected to win. This will not delight the other team. Commentators (professional and amateur) will have a great deal to say about who won, who lost, and whether the quarterback was given too many lollipops as a 3^rd grader.

Many people will attend the game and most of them will indulge in stadium food. A very large man by the name of Jimmy Bones will be on hand to make loans for anyone wanting to purchase a vegetable cup. Enjoy every bite of that crudité.

Someone at the game will think the weather is too warm. Someone at the game will think it is too chilly. No one will be dressed for snow. This is ok, since no one is anticipating any snow. (Except perhaps the kind without the “w” that comes in a paper cone.)

At least once you father will explain to the entire western hemisphere why the referees are right. And at least once he will explain to the entire solar system why they are wrong. Someone will disagree. With luck, there will not be a discussion about it and Mr. J. Bones does not like to be taken away from high finance to resolve academic disputes.

Oh, hey, guess what? My friend Stacey is selling her boat. As far as I can tell, it’s a very nice boat and has never peed on the living room carpet.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The weekend has come and gone. As have the Bengals who were kind enough to provide sportscasters and the entire population of Cincinnati with something to talk about by making it look easy to lose a playoff game. This will undoubtedly be the number 2 Most Discussed Item in the TriState Area. Number 1 being the weather which is cold.

The High School (to which your sister was supposed to return today) has a new definition of “inclement”. As in: Schools will be closed today due to inclement weather. Apparently I am not the only one who is a complete wimp about temperatures in negative numbers as the entire district is shutting its educational doors for the day. This did not displease Pi.

Why is it so flippin’ cold? Turns out we are suffering from a Polar Vortex. (Which, as Dave Barry might say, would be an excellent name for a rock band.)

What is a polar vortex? you ask. And is there an antidote?

A polar vortex is a whopping big arctic cyclone, spinning seriously cold air at seriously fast speeds (100mph or more). The speed tends to keep the vortexes (vortices?)  at the poles where they belong, keeping polar bears, penguins, and Santa happy.

However, every now and then a vortex throws a tantrum and breaks off from the rest of the cyclone. This is what is happening now. And a vortex tantrum is not something you can deal with by issuing a 5 minute time out.

Thematically, it would be a great day to see the Disney movie Frozen. (I can now add Frozen to my to-do list, since I finally saw Despicable Me 2. Loved it! Thank you.) Practically, it is a good day to stay inside, stay warm, and stay safe.

I, on the other hand, have to walk the puppy. If I’m not back in a reasonable amount of time, send a search party. With handwarmers.

Think warm thoughts.

Love, Mom

Need a good way to stay warm today? Sign up to have DearKidLoveMom delivered straight to your email. It’s easy and won’t make you any colder than you already are.

Seriously everyone. Stay warm and stay safe.

Dear Kid,

Have you been following the news about Segway? Not to worry if you’ve missed the latest—it probably won’t be on an exam any time soon.

Segways have been around for a while, but—even though they are about 16 kinds of fun—they haven’t really taken off as a major transportation method in most areas. With the exception of Mall Cops and that’s probably not the gold standard by which one measures success. Segway tours  are mucho fun but they aren’t changing the Way America Commutes to Work either.

Fortunately for the Segway business, a new game has been invented—Segway Polo. Which is pretty much as expensive and rough as the original but requires far less upkeep in terms of cleaning up after the steed. (In case you were wondering, you can’t take polo ponies on airplanes (they don’t fit in the overhead compartment above) and you can’t take Segways on airplanes (lithium batteries are a no-no).)

The biiiiig Segway polo tourney is called The Woz. Extra points if you can figure out who it’s named after. So there is no danger of Segways segueing out of existence any time soon.

In other news, it’s a Sunday afternoon which means Pi is doing homework, Booker is shedding, and Dad is very busy coaching football (and by “coaching” I mean screaming at the professional athletes on TV). Despite only getting 3 first downs in the first half (yep, first HALF) of the game, the Bengals are up 31 to 13 (a very palindromic score, don’t you think?). Hopefully, it will not be quite as exciting as last week’s game!

Love you much, kiddo,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” For example, I happen to think that Booker is adorable but not everyone might agree with me. Wait…everyone thinks Booker is adorable. Bad example.

How about this? I love the color purple. There are probably some poor, misguided people in the world who don’t adore purple. All we can do is feel sorry for them, repeat that Beauty is the Eye of the Beholder, and hope that they go to the eye doctor soon to get their Beauty Appreciation Levels checked.

(Isn’t it uncomfortable to have Beauty in your eye when you’re wearing contacts? Never mind. Moving on.)

The point is that intelligent people can have different views about what is or is not attractive. The great news is you don’t have to look through their eyes (also, presumably uncomfortable). And while intelligent people can disagree, most people agree that these Five Things Can Make Even a Stunner Seem Pretty Unattractive.

Smoking. Back in the seriously olden days, cigarette ads (see? Olden days when there were such things as cigarette ads) portrayed smoking as cool. Movies still sometimes do (but then again, movies also show scary creatures with too many teeth eating the universe, so not sure the cinema is a good source of reality). There is very little that is even mildly attractive about someone huffing and puffing and squinting when the smoke gets in their eyes and having nicotine stains and smelling like stale smoke and turning their lungs black. Ew.

Bad manners. I’m not talking about forgetting to hold the door open occasionally or forgetting to text your grandmother thank you for the latest care package. (HINT!) I’m talking about chewing with your mouth open or stuffing an entire piece of pizza into your face at once. Or—never mind. I can’t even bring myself to illustrate the myriad of ways people can be disgusting and make you say to yourself, “never mind, I’ll pass.”

Potty mouth. Even the best of us are likely to say something like “Son of a SQUID” when we hammer our thumb instead of a nail or “daaaaaaammmmn” when the Bengals throw a last minute TD to tie the score and send the game into overtime (and then go on to lose which really, do people NOT get the point that you should trust the kicker?). But when every other word is the something that would raise an eyebrow among hardened sailors, it’s just not reasonable anymore. Swearing can get in the way of anything resembling a conversation. Who needs it?

Inappropriate behavior. Again, not talking about the little things like bumping into someone taking their first sip of coffee at Starbucks. I’m not even talking about the big things like accidentally throwing a bottle in the garbage rather than into the recycling bin. I’m talking about the really bad stuff like inappropriate touching or talking to someone in a way that just makes them feel uncomfortable. No one in the world has ever said, “Oh, look at that stud. He’s making someone feel bad. I so hope he’ll ask me out.”

Inappropriate clothing. I get that there are different standard of dress for going to an 8am college class than for having tea with the Queen. But there are standards nonetheless. Clothing is meant to enhance a person’s appearance (and protect them from frostbite while not getting in the way while they flee from a pursuing wooly mammoth). When someone wears clothes 2 sizes too small (extra points if you get the reference) and people stare in horror and whisper, “how is it possible she looked in the mirror this morning and thought “dang, I look good!”?” the standard has been missed. Or when someone is wearing a muscle T-Shirt (without the muscles) and you think to yourself “TMI—I did NOT need to know the shape of the mole on his back,” they have missed the standard. Very few people will be saying, “Gotta get me some of that!”

Not all of us are ANTM (America’s Next Top Model) candidates. Most of us will not stop traffic with our stunning good looks (except maybe in Rome where traffic is a perpetual mess). Very few of us will be remembered centuries from now with a sigh and “ahhhhh, what a beauty.” On the other hand, none of us need to be the poster child for What Not to Do.

Hope your cold is getting better, kiddo.

Love, Mom

The Grinch was born with a heart two sizes too small.

Dear Kid,

It’s nearing the end of the first quarter and the Bengals are not exactly winning. By which I mean they are down 10:0 to the Ravens of Baltimore. We’re watching with the sound off because Pi is doing homework in the kitchen. By “doing homework” I mean she is narrating the process of reading and taking notes from her AP Euro book.

It sounds something like this: This is so stupid (Pi, don’t say stupid) Well it is. Who cares about this? No one cares about this! Seriously, even the people  then didn’t care about this…wait, this is hilarious—I have to read it to you “the pastures were open to the pigs of the community.” Isn’t that funny? I think that is really funny. Is it just me or is that really funny? (Pretty much just you, kiddo.) Seriously? I think that line is really funny. All pigs, come on down!….this is so stupid (Pi!) well it is.

Second quarter. Still 10:0. Bengals have the ball. But not for long. And a missed FG. Says Pi, “It’s ok. The best of us miss field goals.” (Go back to work, Pi.) I am! I’m just zoomin’ along here. Just a half page to go. (More work, Pi, less talk.) OK, Ok, ok.

Yesterday, my friend Sue and I drove up to Traders World (the big flea market on 75 north of the outlet mall) to wander around, shake our heads in amazement at some of the things people will buy, and then buy things that obviously were the Right Things to buy. We agreed that it is not someplace we will feel the need to go on a regular basis, but once every several years is fun.

Still second quarter. Still 10:0. But the Bengals just intercepted the ball, so yay Bengals. And we dropped it. And recovered. But not for long.

This is so stupid. (Pi, I don’t know if you mean the football game or your homework, but get back to work please.) Yeah, yeah.

Love, Mom