Dear Kid,

It’s May 1 (Happy May!) which means it’s May Day, Save the Rhino Day, and Mother Goose Day.

We’ve talked about May Day (read about it here and here if you don’t remember) and we’ve talked about Saving Rhinos (here), but we haven’t really talked about Mother Goose.

Mostly because the seemingly innocent Mama Goose rhymes and stories are—when you get right down to it—creepy as all get out.

‘frigzample: Humpty Dumpty isn’t an egg. Mind blown, right? I don’t know who started drawing Sir Dumpty as an egg, but probably it was someone who could draw an oval more easily than he or she could draw King Richard III.

Humpty Dumpty (King Richard III) sat on a wall (actually a horse, but that’s also hard to draw). HD (KRIII) had a great fall. Yep, fell off his mount, yelled “My kingdom for a horse!” (didn’t get one). All the King’s horse and all the King’s men couldn’t put H together again. Well, when you think about it, how many horses are well known healers? (Centaurs don’t count.)

Then there’s Mary, Mary quite contrary. Turns out that “contrary” in this case means “homicidal psychopath” and the Mary in question is Queen Mary I. It further turns out that “silver bells” and “cockle shells” are medieval torture devices (she was a vicious woman, that QM I).

You know that Ring Around the Rosy is about the plague (because we watch NCIS and learn these things–I was going to include the relevant clip, but I just spent 2 hours looking for it and My Friend the Internet isn’t cooperating. Use your imagination.).

The list goes on, but it doesn’t get any nicer. Since today is a lovely nice day, I will stop with the gory tales (also because I am a sweet flower who is too delicate for such stories before coffee).

Save the Rhinos.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Speaking of colossally bad ideas, my friend Sue pointed out our next contender in the Are You Kidding Me? category.

Naked Gardening Day.

It’s a thing. It’s a thing on the first Saturday of May.

It is not a thing we will be doing at our house.

According to the Huffington Post, it is a great day to plant your seed(s). Don’t worry–it gets worse.

I am so appalled at the concept, I don’t even know where to start: Sunburn? Mosquitoes? Mulch and grass in places mulch and grass shouldn’t go? A poorly aimed weedwacker? Embarrassed petunias? People showing too much winter paleness?

The possibilities are horrifying and horrifyingly endless.

Although just because you are unclothed does not mean you are a hoe.

I talked to the Puppy about Naked Gardening Day.

Puppy: Fur.
Me: Fur?
Puppy: Fur. You need fur.
Me: It’s summer. Why do I need fur?
Puppy: Sunburn. Mosquitoes. Mulch and grass. Embarrassed petunias. Skin that’s blindingly pale. Fur solves the problems.
Me: Fur.
Puppy: Yep, fur.
Me: And the weedwacker?
Puppy: Run. In your fur.

The first people to participate in Naked Gardening Day were Adam and Eve. Even the snake was unclad according to most accounts of the story. They enjoyed N G Day right up to the point where they discovered the joy of custom fit fig leaves.

Not sure what you’re going to be doing next Saturday. But I know what I will not be doing.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There is a great deal, my darling, that you don’t know. Hopefully, none of those things show up on your final exams.

Because while you are super smart, you still have things to learn. That’s why you have to go back to school next year.

Turns out there are about a zillion things you don’t know about The Wizard of Oz (and about a zillion and three websites devoted to telling you about said things).

Here are some of my fave what-the-heck? factiods.

You already (probably) know that Dorothy’s shoes in the book were silver and that they were changed to ruby red in the movie because the red showed up better against the Yellow Brick Road. But did you know that (in the movie) Dorothy’s outfit was light pink and blue because the light pink looked more white than white did?

Baum may have invented the name ‘Oz’ when looking at an alphabetical filing cabinet label, ‘O-Z.’ That may or may not be true.

And do you know that horses like Jell-O? Remember the horse-of-a-different-color? I always thought it was a techno-trick to make the horse change colors. That’s probably because I believe in magic. In this case however, the magic was crystalized Jell-O that was a painted onto several different horses (one for each color). The scenes had to be shot magically fast because the horses kept licking off the Jell-O yumminess. (Don’t worry about the horses—the ASPCA was involved to make sure they were well treated.)

The phrase horse of a different color means another matter entirely. Except in Oz where it means a horse that changes colors.

The horses were the only ones on set who loved their makeup. The green paint the Wicked Witch wore was toxic. Once she was painted, she wasn’t allowed to eat which made for an interesting diet. (And her face stayed green for weeks after filming because of the copper in the makeup.)

The Scarecrow’s makeup stayed with him too. For about a year, Ray Bolger had lines in his face from the mask. Even worse, Buddy Ebsen (who was supposed to be the Scarecrow and then swapped roles with Bolger to be the Tin Man) had a severe (as in he couldn’t breathe) reaction to the aluminum dust they used to make his face silver. Not breathing is generally a liability in acting, so Ebsen left Dorothy et al. for other projects (as they say). The next Tin Man got a paste instead of powder and his lungs seemed to appreciate the change.

The tornado in the film was actually a 35-foot-long muslin stocking spun around with dust and dirt.

Speaking of weird ingredients, the snow (in the poppy scene) was asbestos. The Tin Man cried chocolate syrup (machine oil didn’t show well on camera). And the sparks that shot off the ruby slippers were apple juice not magic.

Four sets of ruby slippers were used during filming. The ruby slippers were a size 5. That means they were too small for me to borrow. Size 5 is a tiny little foot.

Ingredients weren’t the only oddities. Behavior during the making of TWoO was odd as well. For example, the film’s director slapped Judy Garland when she couldn’t control her giggles. Not saying that today’s film sets are models of decorum, but slapping a star today would cause social media (and traditional media) to stand on their collective heads.

There are lots of other weirdnesses in the Land of Oz (and I’m not even counting Wicked), but unexpectedness and magic is what The Wizard of Oz is all about, right?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Your signature is an important and valuable thing.

Not because you’ve starred in a blockbuster movie or because you’ve built the world largest house out of blocks or even because you walked around the block, but because it’s yours.

So you need to be careful where you put it.

Riddle: What can you put down many times without ever picking up?

You need to be careful when you sign a check. You can be less careful when you sign a birthday card.

You need to be very careful when you sign a contract.

When you sign a contract you are agreeing to all the terms of the contract—whether you know you’re agreeing to them or not.

Cool, huh?

Which means that you need to know what is in an agreement before you sign it.

Saying, “I don’t like that clause” works just fine—before you affix your John Hancock to the document. You can negotiate, refuse to sign, get advice, go out for coffee—before you sign. Post-signature, those options are not available to you (except, presumably, for the coffee).

Saying “I didn’t know” gets you exactly nowhere (unless you were hoping to get A Look implying you’ve left your brain elsewhere and I’m happy to provide that any time you’d like).

Before you sign, take the time to figure out what you’re agreeing to. If it’s something short and simple to read, read. If it’s long and complicated, take the time to get help from someone who Knows About These Things.

Yesterday, I heard an Adult Who Should Know Better (I am not making this up although I wish I were) say, “That was an 85 page contract. You expected me to read the whole thing?” You will not be surprised to hear that he said that when he found out there were things in said contract he didn’t want to have to comply with.

You’re smarter. Stay smarter.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If you’d happened to be alive in 1775, and if you’d been paying attention to politics, and if you were in Boston hanging with your friends Adams and Hancock and company, you might have been part of History.

Really, we’re all part of history, but History was happening back then in the Colonies.

More specifically, the British troops got the notion (and by “got the notion” I mean were ordered) to grab the Patriots arsenal in Concord (and maybe grab one or two of those patriots in the process). On April 18, the troops began their march. (Yes, marching in April. I get the irony.)

Paul Revere and William Dawes were tasked with alerting the Minutemen. Back in the Old North Church, the Patriots waited to send Revere and Dawes a text about what to expect. They hung two lanterns (One if by land, two if by sea) to signal that the British were crossing the Charles River into Cambridge.

Revere and Dawes (who had taken separate routes, the better to ensure one of them got through) put spur to horse (neither horse appreciated it) and rode like crazy yelling, “The British are coming! The British are coming!” and wishing more people had satellite TV so they wouldn’t have to yell as much.

They both made it to Lexington (MA not KY) and warned Adams and Hancock before continuing to Concord (MA not plane).

Along the way they were joined by Samuel Prescott who’d been out sowing a wild oat or two.

By this time it was April 19^th, the Minutemen were busy arming themselves, Dawes lost his horse (there has got to be a good story in there), and Revere was captured. Prescott zigged and zagged and made it through to Concord (MA not grape). Revere was questions (and by “questioned” I mean beat up) and then released.

By 5am (have I mentioned that nothing good happens at 5am?), Major John Pitcairn and 700 of his troops (soldiers not Boy Scouts–and enough of them to make one really good agent) arrived at the Common to find 77 militiamen.

I know you haven’t studied warfare strategy extensively, but back in the day, numbers mattered (just as they do in a bar fight these days). And just in case you think you might not have read the previous paragraph correctly, let me assure you that 700 is a great many more than 77.

There they were, standing around, wondering if anyone was going to invite anyone else to dance when Pitcairn the Major ordered the Patriots (he probably didn’t call them that) to disperse. After a moment or two of sullen looks and wishing for a light saber, the Patriots began to leave the green.

Suddenly, the “shot heard ‘round the world” was fired (forensics were unable to determine who fired that first gun). “Bang. Bang. Bang.” said the Revolutionary War as it battled its way into existence.

Eight Americans died during that battle; 10 more were wounded. Only one British soldier was hurt. The Americans immediately signed up for target practice and it was only a matter of time before the country was born and the world thought of us as Canada’s obnoxious neighbors.

Happy April 18!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Snopes is a buzzkill.

Well, Snopes and reality combine for a buzzkill.

Not that I don’t appreciate knowing that I don’t have to rearrange my schedule to see the moon turn green (for a 90 minute period on April 20^th or possibly in May depending on which bit of fiction you prefer). But I was kind of looking forward to seeing a green moon (visible for the first time since 1847!). Snopes apparently checked social media records from 1847 and discovered that the moon wasn’t green then and won’t be green this year either.

Snopes also says that the Risqué Prom Dress wasn’t (probably) a prom dress (although it was risqué), that the As the World Berned photo was taken in Paris during a Charlie Hebdo protest (and not at a Bernie Sanders rally), that the obese tiger was photoshopped, and that unicorns don’t poop rainbows.

Incredibly disillusioning.

On the bright side, I learned that Puff, the Magic Dragon was based on a poem that was based on Ogden Nash’s Custard (as in the Really-O Truly-O Cowardly Dragon). Who knew?

Well, now you do.

Love, Mom