Dear Kid,

Welcome to Dallas for the next round of American Ninja Warrior. I’m psyched because tonight (the previews have assured us) a woman makes it through the first round for the first time. We also learn that you have to be 21 to compete—I’m not sure why I find that so interesting. Maybe it’s because of all the super young athletes we see in other sports.

Johnny Quinn (of Olympic bobsled locked-in-the-bathroom fame) attempted the course and only made it through three obstacles before crashing soggily.

Jonathan Horton (Olympic silver and bronze medalist in gymnastics) did a great job but also fell (boom) into the water. Pi and I did not see that one coming since he went out on a ring (upper body strength) obstacle.

Some people made it through the course (reminder—this is still the qualifying round). The course ate some people. Actually, the course ate a lot of people including some of the top contenders. With the help of Gravity who was making his presence felt in a big way. (The specific Way being Off The Course.)

Gravity (and the Course) however were in favor of being part of History (or else they were intimidated by History – which may be the same thing) and a woman made it through the qualifying round for the First Time Ever (BAE if you prefer). There was much excitement. By which I mean an exceptional amount of excitement. Even those of us who didn’t jump up and down are six kinds of proud of her. She’s 5 feet nothing tall competing in a sport where wingspan is pretty important. You Go Girl.

The drama continues next week in St. Louis. I may or may not report on it.

Love, Mom

BAE= Before Anyone Else. Also the cause of nonsense between you and Pi in the car last night.

Dear Kid,

American Ninja Warrior is back. In case you missed last night’s opener, ANW is in its sixth season of qualifying athletes to compete at Mount Midoriyama (which no one has ever conquered).

All sorts of interesting people competed including Olympian luger Kate Hanson (who made it through 2 ½ obstacles before falling). It’s crazy the upper body strength some of these athletes have.

The pre-show was almost more interesting than the first night of preliminary competition. They showed a lot of backstories including how many people create their own Ninja Warrior training courses in their backyards (no we don’t plan to do that). They also showed a segment about how they design and test the obstacles (this year there are three brand new obstacles in this preliminary. If I understood correctly there will be three different new obstacles in other locations. But don’t quote me on that.).

The pre-show also showed how many more women are participating. The exact number is: a bunch. No woman has ever made it through the first stage but we’re getting farther every year (and by “we” I mean women in general).

In order to participate, athletes send videos in to the show. This year there were over 3,000 submissions for not nearly that many spots. There is another option for getting on the course which is to be a walk-on. That involves camping out for days in order to get a front spot in line. Which of course would be exactly how I would want to spend my vacation. Not.

All the finishers from the preliminary round will make it to the local finals. But if there aren’t thirty finishers, they’ll take the top non-finishers (decided by the “who got the farthest the fastest” methodology) to round out the show.

One of the great things about watching American Ninja Warrior is that there are no commercials for vacuum cleaners.

Here’s to making each day your personal best.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

From the Kids Who Impress Beyond Belief files comes the story of Charlotte Brown. If you haven’t heard of Charlotte, prepare to have your proverbial socks knocked off.

Charlotte is a 16-year-old at Emory Rains High School in Texas. That, in and of itself, is not enough for sock removal.

Charlotte is blind. She was born with infant cataracts and her sight steadily deteriorated since she was in sixth grade. She now has a guide dog named Vador (Vador wasn’t trained at Guiding Eyes for the Blind—would love to know where). Being blind, even blind with a cutie patootie guide dog, is not enough, in and of itself, for sock knockage.

Charlotte is an athlete. To be specific, she is a pole vaulter. To be more specific, she is a state ranked pole vaulter. With her name on the back of her jacket in Braille.

Let’s review. Vador takes Charlotte to the starting line at track meets. Her coach places a beeping device near the take-off point in front of the stanchions (he also whistles to help her get correctly positioned). Charlotte then takes a pole taller than the Empire State Building and races at about 6,000 miles an hour down a track she can’t see, plants her pole where her ears tell her to place it, and flies over the bar.

Not only is Charlotte amazing for even being willing to do this, she is an exceptional vaulter. Last year she was 8^th in the state. This year, she finished 4^th vaulting 11′ 6″. Vador was the only one in the stadium not cheering her on (he was working at the time, so no cheering allowed).

Wait, it gets better.

She has amazing hearing, an amazing sense of smell, and a great sense of humor. Oh, yeah. And she’s ranked 5^th out of her class of 121.

Look down. No socks. See? I told you.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

When was the last time you thought about zebras? (Not the referee kind, the related-to-horses kind.) I’m guessing not recently. Zebras are good creatures. (Zebra print is also a great trend, but that’s not what we’re talking about today.)

So, being the kind of mother I am, I thought I’d tell you a little about zebras.

1. Zebras don’t make good house pets.

You might think they’d be handy to keep in your room as a friend, but you’d be wrong. Zebras are not tiny animals. They don’t eat tiny amounts. Hence, the other end of the digestive process is neither petite nor perfumed.

2. Zebras are highly social.

They hang out in groups, like fraternity members only there are more of them. Like fraternity members, they will only go to sleep if there are friends nearby to set up an alarm if a predator is close. Also like fraternity members, they prefer to graze together. No word on whether they like fart jokes, but I’m sure they appreciate a good chemistry joke once in a while.

3. Zebra stripes are unique.

Zebra stripes (like human fingerprints) are unique to each individual animal. Zebra watchers often identify zebras by the stripes on their tushies. While zebra stripes might to make a person wearing them stand out at a cocktail party, when in a massive herd zebras’ stripes and coloring makes it difficult for lions (and other predators) to tell where one zebra ends and another begins.

4. Zebras are family-oriented.

Just not your family (because you’re not a zebra). Zebra mamas are very caring and protective of their foals and are known to check on them well after they’ve graduated from college. Zebra kids find this kind and reassuring and do not fuss at their loving parents.

5. Zebras are zippy.

Zebras can run over 40 miles per hour. They also have excellent stamina and the ability to cut across the field. They are often recruited for football teams.

6. Zebras are communicative.

They get their point across by sniffing, balking, braying, barking, snorting, changing the position of their tail and ears, and rolling their eyes at their parents.

7. Zebras are brave.

The head of the herd generally stays at the back to defend against predators. If a zebra is injured, the rest of the herd will circle around it, dancing the hora to keep away the predator and give the injured animal time to rest and recuperate. While there are several high schools with the zebra as their mascot, I am not aware of any zebra college mascots.

Don’t forget to text your sister.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As you may have heard, we’re in the midst of March Madness. This means that instead of walking a plastic bottle over to the recycling bin, Dad now shoots, misses, and yells, “goal tending.” (Score so far: Dad: 0; recycle bin: 5.)

It also means the TV is tuned to basketball a lot. Possibly even more than a lot. And when it’s not basketball, it’s hockey (Frozen Four preliminary games), because apparently there are real life penalties for going sports-free during this season. (Score so far: Dad: much cheering; Booker: napping interrupted with each score).

The TV remote is getting an incredible workout. I’m sure it works for Dad (I think it’s a man-thing), but the constant channel flipping is scrambling my brain a little. It’s like we’ve invented the new game of baske-hockey. The announcers really don’t sound all that different, but the squeaky sneakers are definitely different than hockey skates. (Score so far: shorts: same length for hockey and basketball; broadcasters: closer to a heart attack than seems necessary; bad commentating: he’s not only in the flow, he’s playing swimmingly—could be for basketball or hockey.)

Dad is (unsurprisingly) commenting on the games, the refereeing, and the sportscasting. The only thing I haven’t heard him talk about is fashion statement of the uniforms. (Score so far: Uniforms: un-evaluated; players: not playing up to in-house standards: officials: need you even ask?)

In other sporting news, I’ve been creating chaos in the kitchen, but so far I haven’t burned anything. (Score so far: successes: 1; disasters: 1.)

Spring break has started here. This is good news for Pi who is still healing. Unfortunately, the freezer seems to be warming up along with the weather. (Score so far: crocuses: happily blooming; appliances: negative 5 b’zillion; Booker: doesn’t like walking in the rain.)

No big plans for the week, although I am hoping to have more successes than overt failures in the kitchen. (Score: TBD.)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Since college football players appear to have (temporarily at least) won the right to unionize, it seems like a good idea to learn a little bit more about unions.

Being the kind of mother that I am, I hereby offer you my great wisdom and insight on unions and their history.

If we go back to Neanderthal days, working conditions were pretty lousy for everyone. The weather was lousy, the tools were lousy, and the grocery caves were always out of stock. However, everyone worked for himself (or his family) and that is where entrepreneurship and the mafia began.

Fast forward a while and (unless you were top of the food chain, royalty wise) working conditions were still pretty nasty. Overlords and other people with power spent their time making sure those Not With Power worked much harder and longer than was reasonable. One day, Joe the Slave complained to his wife about the working conditions at the pyramid sites. Mrs. Joe the Slave was tired and not in the mood to listen and told Joe to unionize or shut up. The next day, Joe took a look around the site, saw the whips and other implements of torture and cleverly shut up. Which is why Mrs. Joe the Slave is not the father of unionization but did get some peace and quiet in her hut.

Boring stuff, boring stuff…ah, here we are.

Fast forward some more to more modern, industrial age, awful working conditions.

One day, Joe the Machine Shop Worker was complaining to his wife about the working conditions of the machine shop. Since Mrs. Joe the Machine Shop Worker worked in a sweat shop and did all the household chores (that’s how things were done in Those Days), she was not in the mood to listen. “Joe,” said Mrs. Joe. “Lemme tell you what to do.” And she told him all about unionizing even though no one had ever heard of it before. Then she told him to invite his friends over so he could tell them, and she didn’t say one word other than “Would like some more tea?” during the meeting because that’s how things were done in Those Days. (Including that people pretended that what they were drinking was tea.)

So Joe and his friends made Demands of the machine shop owners and got beaten up for their troubles and Mrs. Joe had to take care of everything. Which was often the way it was done in Those Days.

But Joe and his buddies had made a point (as did several other people) and eventually the National Labor Union was founded in 1866. It did reasonably well, but when Samuel Gompers came along and founded the AFL things really got going. All the Joes and Mrs. Joes signed up and went on strike and turned American business upside right. (I just made that up, but it seems fitting.) The unions were able to get workers decent wages, decent hours, and decent working conditions.

There is no question (imho) that unions were an important and necessary thing when they first emerged into the fabric of American life. There are more questions about the role of unions these days. (Do they make it impossible to fire people who are not doing their job well? Have they driven up payrolls to the point where American companies can’t be competitive in the world market? Is too much time, money, and effort spent on making union bosses happy rather than on the work of the union? Etc.)

Much as I adore questions like that I have no interest in answering them (at least today) so you’ll have to develop your own POV (point of view) if you want one.

As to my POV about college football players unionizing? Personally, I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. But I’m pretty sure they had to do something to get the colleges and NCAA to make real and responsible change to the way college players are treated. Stay tuned. I have great faith that there will be more (much more) to the story.

Love, Mom