Dear Kid,

Well, it’s official. Usain Bolt is faster than you are.

He’s also taller. And has his own pose.

Simone Biles is bouncier than you.

She’s also shorter. And her eye makeup is more sparkly.

Ryan Lochte is cooler than you. His response to being held up at gunpoint in Rio was (and I quote) “whatever”.

The American women play volleyball better than you do. Other American women play soccer better than you. Or maybe they don’t.

There are a bunch of people who fence better than you do (but not better than Inigo Montoya).

There are people in Brazil who have cried more than you over the last several days and people who have screamed more than you (mostly fans).

There are athletes who lift far more than two of you. And Michael Phelps is going to have to start lifting heavier weights to be able to carry around all his medals.

I love watching familiar and less familiar sports.

I miss sleep, but I love the Olympics.

Go USA!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Do you know about the pentathlon?

If you’re old-ish, you might hear “pentathlon” and think “ah, the women’s version of the decathlon.” And it would be good if you thought that because saying it out loud would prove that you’re old and out of touch. There used to be a women’s track event called the pentathlon; but somewhere along the line people realized women are actual athletes and women now compete in the heptathlon. That’s a different story.

Today, we’re talking modern pentathlon. Which consists pretty much of medieval pursuits: pistol shooting, epee fencing, show jumping, swimming, and running.

So basically, ride your horse across the fields (jumping over the pesky fences), swim the moat, run across the courtyard (a couple of times), fence your way up the stairs, and shoot someone. This is the only sport that comes complete with a plot. All we need are costumes.

Fencing, swimming (200 freestyle), and show jumping (riding “an unfamiliar horse”) are scored on a points system understood by three geniuses and a familiar horse. The random number of points a competitor accumulates is then converted (via an algorithm which exactly no one understands) to a handicap start for the final event.

“Wait!” I hear you exclaim, “There should be two more events!”

Yes, but the 3.2 kilometer cross-country run and the pistol shooting have been combined into a single event (a la the winter biathlon). You might think they’d rename the whole thing (quadthlon?) but they didn’t.

And in a nod to the environment and safety, the pistols are now laser guns.

Bang. I mean, bzzzzt.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you been watching the Olympics? Of course you have. Silly question. My apologies.

I love the Olympics. I am blown away by the athletes, the events (most of them), the coverage (most of it), the passion, the sportsmanship (most of it), the…everything.

I am also amazed by the incredible amount of work the athletes put in to reach Olympic-ness.

I watched (with much joy and love) how much time and dedication you and Pi put into your various endeavors. I watch (with admiration) how much time and dedication some of your classmates put into their various endeavors. There was a lot of excellence. But none of you were world class.

All in all, I think this is a good thing. As much as I love watching the Olympics (and other world class sporting events [most of them]), I love that you and Pi tried lots of different things. I love that you participated in many different sports. I love that you learned to cook and study (occasionally) and clean up (very, very occasionally). I love that you took time to hang out with friends and be kids.

And I couldn’t be more proud of you. You’re not in Rio. You’re not competing in the Olympics. But you’re pure gold in my book.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The media has it all wrong.

In talking about the women’s bicycle road race (which happened Sunday), they’ve been talking about the medalists and blah, blah, blah. Presumably all the blah, blah, blah happened (to be fair, it did happen—I was watching), but the important women didn’t make the medal ceremony.

First of all, we have to talk about Annemiek van Vleuten. She’s the Dutch athlete who was part of the break away and was leading the race on the great big zillion-mile-an-hour downhill before she crashed horribly. Many of the men crashed on the course the day before, but this is one instance in which women would do well not to match the men step for step. Last I heard, Annemiek was in intensive care with a massive concussion and several “minor” fractures in her spine.

Medical Note: According to my Mom Medical Degree (which allows me to kiss boo-boos, apply magic Band-Aids, and prescribe chicken soup) there is Absolutely No Such Thing as a minor spine fracture.

For years, I have said that the hardest position in all sport is Mother of the Goalie. I am considering revising my opinion to say that the hardest position in all sport is Mother of the International Cyclist. Yikes.

Perhaps more importantly, we need to talk about Mara Abbott (@cosunshinemka). Let’s be clear: She. Is. Amazing.

Mara led the race for 8 or 9 years during the race. She smashed through the mountain climb (who accelerates going uphill???). She endured the mild derision of the TV commentators (who she couldn’t hear) who suggested she was being too cautious on the aforementioned treacherous downhill (excuse me, but she knew that a kid on a tricycle won the men’s race the previous day because all the men crashed). She passed Annemiek who was doing an impression of a broken rag doll just moments after her crash.

And then Mara set out on her own.

You probably know that biking is a team sport. Which makes no sense, because you’d think they’d all ride the same bike if they were a team (like rowing). But it turns out that bikers working together save energy. And they often work together even if they’re not on the same team. Perhaps especially if they aren’t. Very odd.

So Mara being on her own was not only lonely, it was expensive (in terms of energy).

As we watched, little by little, meter by meter, the three little mice chased her down. With about a nanometer left, the three turned on the afterburners and blew by her. Mara had absolutely nothing left to hold them off. No matter how hard we yelled (and everyone watching was yelling) or how much we tried to help push her across the line (and everyone watching sent a lot energy in her direction) or how many fingernails got bitten (I understand there was a great deal of nail biting), it just wasn’t enough. Mara, who deserved to win, who was clearly the best biker of the day, came in fourth. Hearts broke for her all across America.

And then Mara did the impossible.

She was classy.

And that, as much as her crazy incredible ride, makes her A-Maz-Ing. Mara, you are solid gold.

Talk about Olympic heroes. Mara Abbott is at the top of the list.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Ready or not, Rio is here!

Don’t ask me to explain it. I’m as confused as anyone, but somehow it’s August and the Olympics are upon us.

Let’s review the important stuff. Not the economic crisis in Brazil. Or the lack of safety in the streets. Or the subway system (which may or may not reach the end of the line).

Opening ceremonies are tonight. Walk-in outfits are not nearly as awful as usual, but they are (according to some) overly commercial with the Polo logo bigger than some of the athletes.

Not all the venues are in tip top condition (and by “in tip top condition” I mean finished).

The water for things like sailing are A) polluted B) poisonous C) disgusting D) all of the above. Not falling overboard has never looked so appealing.

And Zika. Lots of Zika (even though it’s presumably winter in Brazil). Bug repellent is being sold in 50 gallon drums.

So if the sports are boring, there still will be lots to talk about.

In the meantime, fasten your seatbelt. Not only are the OCs (Opening Ceremonies) going to be more colorful and sexier than usual, they will also be controversial.

Because that’s exactly what Rio needs right now.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As I mentioned, your sister is attempting to end my ability to breath by involving me in the insanity workout chaos.

Yesterday, I shared my first 15 Reasons for NOT Doing the Insanity Workout. Since I doubt she’ll buy any of those, here are 15 more.

15 More Reasons for NOT Doing the Insanity Workout. With footnotes.

1. My dog needs me.
2. 

   I can’t do (fill in the blank) because my cat needs me. Right. Cats never admit to needing anyone. DearKidLoveMom.com

   My cat needs me.*

3. It would be an insult to the cupcake I just ate.
4. It will confuse my fat cells.**
5. American Ninja Warrior is on TV.***
6. I’m thinking about re-doing the kitchen and I have to go measure something.
7. I need to pull weeds.
8. I need to vacuum.****
9. I need to take the car in for an oil change.
10. It’s too early. Or maybe it’s too late.
11. It’s too hot/cold/humid.
12. I have to go buy mascara.
13. My boss is going to call then.*****
14. It wouldn’t be fair to the millions of people who aren’t doing the insanity workout.
15. SQUIRREL!

*No one will ever believe that. Cats don’t really need anyone.

**Have you ever seen confused fat cells? Not pretty.

***Also NCIS reruns. VERY important.

****As if.

*****Whenever “then” is.

Any other suggestions?

Love, Mom