Dear Kid,

Get going!

Why is it always my responsibility?

It’s your job.

I’m more than just my job.

Not this morning, you’re not.

I’m pretty sure this is prosecutable under the law.

I’m pretty sure it’s not. Get to work.

You really aren’t being fair about this.

You really could try you know.

What do you think I’m doing?

Putting all the burden on me.

Doesn’t that make you feel important?

Most days. But today I just want a break.

We can’t always get what we want.

That’s my point, exactly! YOU can’t always get what YOU want.

True. But in this case I can. And will.

Doesn’t that make you a Dictator?

With a small “d”. And I pay for you, so I’m OK with it.

You can’t pay for talent like mine.

And yet I did. And do.

I’m just saying we could mix it up a bit.

I don’t want to mix it up. I want you to get to work.

But don’t you think that’s a little boring?

It’s a good kind of boring.

Today’s lesson: It’s generally not productive to have an early morning conversation with a strong cup of coffee.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You may recall that in researching donuts I came across the concept of edible diamonds. I had never heard of edible diamonds. So I (of course) turned to My Friend the Internet.

Who has never heard of them either. Or at least is not telling.

So if anyone knows anything about edible diamonds, I’m listening.

While I was searching, I found out a lot about edible gold. Being the kind of Mom I am, I decided to share.

The more pure the gold, the better for you, mostly because the less pure the more likely you are to have ick mixed in. So go for 22K to 24K gold. And choose high quality alloys (like silver which it turns out is also edible) rather than copper (which is not good for your insides).

The thing about eating gold (or silver) is that “edible” in this case means “won’t poison you.” Like kale. Unlike kale, gold and silver will pass right through your system without bothering to leave anything (healthful or otherwise) behind. Also unlike kale, you won’t gag on the taste.

People have long been fascinated by gold, so there are many stories about it. Like Midas and Goldilocks.

In the 15th century, gold was used medicinally. This was pointless to everyone except the people who made a profit selling and dispensing the gold.

In the 16th century, extremely rich Italians (generally those with “Duke”, “Earl”, or other forms of Your Exaltedness in front of their names) had their risotto decorated with edible goal. No clue why as it seems to me the gold would just blend in and risotto is a rich enough dish as is.

The Elizabethans added gold dust to fruits (grapes, pomegranates, oranges, dates, figs, etc.) to make their tables more elegant and opulent. Clearly, they couldn’t taste much because dates and figs are perfect plain.

The Japanese have a long history of adding gold to food and sake. The Japanese have a long history of treating food like art. But at least they didn’t bother putting gold on dates and figs.

So what have we learned? Gold is pretty. Small amounts are often used in food, candy, and beverages to bling those babies up a bit. Since gold (and silver) are, um, just passing through, there is no dietary benefit. Nor is there any harm as long as the metal is high quality. And there is no point trying to recover the gold you just ate, as the amount is far too small to make it worth the salvage process.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Now for the weird stuff about donuts. (Don’t forget to read about doughnuts Part 1 and Part 2.)

The longest line of donuts reached 1,841 feet 10 inches. #WasteOfDonuts #WhatHappenedToTheOtherTwoInches #Why

It used to be that the most expensive donuts in the world were the ones made in New York. They are made with edible gold, edible diamonds, and aged chocolate balsamic vinegar and are sold for $100 each. (No idea what the accompanying coffee costs.) I’ve heard of edible gold before, but edible diamonds? Must research this bit of ridiculousness. Now it turns out that London has upped the ante with a $2,000 donut. #WTH

The black-and-white doughnut is made with saffron-infused butter croissant dough, Tahitian gold vanilla beans, and rare Amedei Porcelana chocolate, and is topped with Cristal rosé champagne caviar and gold leaf flakes.

The largest donut ever made was a jelly donut made in New York. It was 16 feet in diameter, only 16 inches high at the center, and weighed 1.7 tons. So did the people who ate it. #Murica

Some people believe that eating jelly donuts on New Year’s Eve brings good luck. This is true, because jelly donuts and heavy drinking don’t really go together. Therefore and consequently, eating jelly donuts tends to keep the eaters relatively sober. #SoberIsSmarter

Back in 1933 (see: Before Time Began) at the Chicago World’s Fair, donuts were called the “Hit Food of the Century of Progress.” They earned this lofty title because they were fresh, cheap, and made quickly by automated machines. Need I point out that “progress” does not always mean “progress”? #Obviously

Before the invention of cheap candy and minion costumes, people would celebrate Halloween by bobbing for donuts hung from a string. #OldTimeyFun

Back in the day, whalers sometimes celebrated the 1,000^th barrel of whale oil by frying donuts in—wait for it—whale oil. #NothingGoodAboutThat

There used to be a chain of shops where donuts were made from mashed potatoes and/or potato starch (they were called Spudnuts). #LatkeConfusion

Randy’s Donuts in Hollywood has a 32 foot donut sculpture on its roof. This (and I quote) “iconic” donut has appeared in many movies including Crocodile Dundee and Iron Man 2. I must go visit next time I’m on the left coast. #MovieDonut

Being the kind of Mom I am, I’ve saved the best for last. The French used to call donuts Pet de Nonne which means “Nun’s Farts.” #KnewYou’dLikeThat

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In honor of yesterday (National Donut Day), I got hungry. Rather than set a new land-speed record for driving to the nearest donut provider, I decided to consult My Friend the Internet and see what I could learn.

Turns out there are a lot of donut facts. A LOT.

So many that it will take today and tomorrow to share some of my faves with you. (Notice I did not say “to share them all” with you because I’m not even going to attempt that.)

Fasten your seatbelt and loosen your regular belt.

More than 10 billion donuts are made each year in the United States. I am personally responsible for eating half of them.

Doughnuts were probably introduced to the US by the Dutch who called them olykoeks, or “oil cakes” (let’s just agree that “donut” is more marketable). Olykoeks were balls of cakey batter fried in pork fat. The center didn’t cook as fast as the outside, so the glop was replaced with fruit or nuts.

That might be the origin of the name doughnuts. Or it might not.

In 1847 Hansen Gregory, an American ship captain, invented the donut hole. Whether he did so because he needed both hands to steer, or because he didn’t like the consistency of the dough in the middle (and punched it out), or because was challenged to find a new use for the pepper box, or because the angels told him to is a question we will leave for other scholars.

In 1920, Adolph Levitt (a Russian-born immigrant) invented the first automated donut machine. Guess what he called it? The “Wonderful Almost Human Automatic Donut Machine”. There are a lot of reasons to like Mr. Levitt.

Canada has more donut shops (per capita) than any other country. This is probably because moose like donuts.

In the US, Boston has the most donut shops (per capita).

Economists have long known that the size of the hole in a donut correlates with the economy (the worse the economy, the bigger the hole). No word on which donut they’re measuring or why they bother, because duh.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Yes, that magical day has once again rolled around. It is National Donut Day.

Turns out you can choose your spelling: donut or doughnut. It’s up to you. The powers that be (and by “powers that be” I mean spellcheck) approve both versions.

Whence came Donut Day you ask?

Donut Day (or National Doughnut Day if you prefer) was created to celebrate the Salvation Army Lassies who served doughnuts to soldiers during WWI. These fearless women went to the front lines in Europe, providing “home” cooked meals for the boys. Why they believed this would be safe activity is beyond me. Why the US military is still fussing about women on the front lines is an even bigger mystery.

The Salvation Army Lassies also made donuts (often by cooking dough in oil inside the soldiers’ helmets). This led to happy tummies and a return of the “wet look” slicked back hair style.

Back then, donuts were basic dough cooked in oil. Today there are well over 17 b’zillion types of donut (I counted). Back then, soldiers needed additional calories. Today, ‘Murica. But oh, so yummy.

Happy National Donut Day!

Love, Mom

More info on donuts tomorrow. You don’t want to miss it!

Dear Kid,

Did you know that vanilla is the most popular flavor of cake and ice cream in the US? ‘Tis true.

And to celebrate, we’re talking about vanilla. (I’m talking. You’re reading.)

Vanilla is the only fruit-bearing member of the orchid family. You read that correctly—the vanilla bean is a fruit and an orchid. So you could give vanilla as a corsage.

But only if you’re very clever, because the flower that produces the vanilla bean only last one day. One. Not only does the flower zip through life, it’s finicky about the insects it hangs out with. Only the melipona bee can pollinate vanilla (which seems a little standoffish to me, but then I’m not a flower).

Vanilla vines grow grow 30 – 50 feet tall (which is taller than most humans—harvesting is a job for flying monkeys) and since they’re vines, they hug trees or posts for support.

There are over 150 varieties of vanilla plants.

Soil and water have a huge impact on the taste of the vanilla, meaning the same vine grown in different places will produce beans that taste different.

Drying vanilla beans takes 4 to 6 months. All of which means that vanilla is the second most expensive spice in the world. Extra points if you know what’s number 1.

Speaking of second, vanilla is the second most labor intensive agricultural crop. The only thing I can thank of that is more labor intensive is Dad’s tomato crop.

Pure vanilla extract contains (wait for it) 13.35 ounces of vanilla beans per gallon. (You should take notes. This will be on the test.)

A few drops of vanilla will cut the acidity of tomato-based foods. (How cool is that?)

Spiders don’t like vanilla (which only reinforces my opinion of arachnids). Whole vanilla beans will drive them away.

Humans find the scent of vanilla relaxing. Unless there is cake and ice cream, in which case it is the opposite of relaxing.

Sometimes vanilla bean farmers “tattoo” their beans with small markings (made with toothpick-sized instruments) to prevent theft. No word on whether the beans get any say about what their tats are.

There is currently a vanilla bean crisis (yes, crisis I tell you) which has led to a severe shortage of vanilla. Many products use synthetic vanilla which, um, synthetic.

Happy vanilla.

Love, Mom

Saffron is the most expensive spice in the world.