Dear Kid,

It’s Cinco de Exhausted.

Turns out the World’s Most Wonderful Children kept me out past my bedtime last night. The good news is I adore my children and adore spending time with them (even if we really only associated with each other on the drive to and from the movie). The bad news is The Avengers is not a movie to sleep through (especially since it cost a mortgage payment to buy the tickets and 2 bottles of water).

And while you—as a college student—can probably manage on a few seconds sleep, Moms of college students, not so much.

So while I’m contemplating wearing extra mascara to give my eyelids a nice resting place, most of the world is celebrating Cinco de Mayo (or Cincobration if you’ve been reading DearKidLoveMom for a while).

Which means people everywhere are eating tacos, drinking margaritas, swinging at piñatas, and other cinco stuff.

Except for the people eating hoagies because it is also National Hoagie Day.

The people in charge of marketing Cinco de Mayo have done a much better job than the people marketing hoagies since absolutely no one knows it is National Hoagie Day.

As far as I’m concerned it’s National Take Five More Naps Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today’s Word of the Day is wombat because why not?

Wombats, the common, the southern hairy-nosed, and the northern hairy-nosed, live in Australia with their marsupial cousins (quick—name two marsupials).

In addition to being dang cute, wombats are endangered. The northern hairy nosed wombat (isn’t that just the cutest name ever?) is one of the most endangered animals on the planet.

Wombats have terrible vision. They are nocturnal, live underground, and are mostly solitary, which means there’s not much to see. Which may be why wombat optometry never really caught on.

Wombats are reasonably big—they can weigh up to 88 pounds (maybe there’s a rule that says they can’t go to 89?).

If absolutely necessary (and by “absolutely necessary” I mean “Seriously Absolutely”) wombats can run. Very, very fast. Faster than all but the fastest humans. (And by “fastest human” I mean a toddler trying to avoid naptime.) Specifically, wombats can run up to 25 miles per hour which is pretty speedy (Usain Bolt has been clocked at 28 mph but he didn’t keep it up very far).

Running might be fun for some humans (present author not included) but as far as wombats go, sleeping, eating, and pooping (we’ll get back to the pooping) are much more fun. Which makes wombats equivalent to college students on the weekend.

They can also jump. None have been recruited to the NBA because they have terrible ball handling skills.

Wombats have tough backsides (and, yes, by “backside” I mean buttocks). To defend itself, a wombat will leap (with all the grace of a nearly blind, 88 pound sack of potatoes) into a burrow and block the entrance with its tushy.

If you’ve ever studied Australian wildlife, you’ll know that there is an abundance of predators with lots of sharp teeth and toes and whatnot, and you’ve got to be pretty darn tough of tush to expose your backside to all that predator-ness.

Back to the poop, which may be the most interesting thing about wombats (never thought I’d say that, did you?).

Wombats poop cubes. Not because they have tough backsides. And not because they have play-doh-like square sphincters.

Wombats have perhaps the driest poop on the planet. Their digestive process takes 14-18 days which allows most of the nutrients and water to be absorbed (this is good for the wombat). The highly dry poop and lack of rectal muscle contraction mean (you guessed it) cube-y poopy.

Like many other animals, wombats leave poop lying around for a variety of reasons. Poop explains a lot about who the poop-leaver is. If you are well-versed in these things (and wombats are) you can write a thesis about the poop-leaver’s gender, health, age, recent dietary changes, and feelings about reality TV. You can also tell that there is a wombat around and perhaps you ought to leave the territory and build your own warren elsewhere.

Wombats like to be left alone. And poop is an excellent way to say “get thee gone.”

Wombats like to put their poop out like billboards. And they like their poopbillboards to be highly visible (emphasis on high). So they put their poopy pellets on top of rocks or logs (or billboards if they happen to find one). The cube shape keeps the poop from rolling off its perch.

Aren’t you glad today’s word of the day is wombat?

Love, Mom

Koalas and Kangaroos are both marsupials, proving that being a marsupial increases your cuteness factor by 1000%. Which leads to the following beauty tip: If you’re not cute enough, grow a pouch.

Dear Kid,

Yesterday, Pi and I went to Tom + Chee for lunch. We’ve been talking about going for about a year, and events finally conspired to give us the opportunity to go. (By “events finally conspired” I mean we finally found a moment when we both had time. Simultaneously. At the same time. Together.)

Tom + Chee (as you probably already know) was founded by two guys (not the two guys with a truck—a different two guys), their wives, and a tent. They opened on Fountain Square downtown serving tomato soup (Tom) and grilled cheese (Chee).

The food was fab, the guys opened a brick and mortar restaurant, then they went on Shark Tank and have been growing like crazy ever since.

I had the salad with grilled cheese croutons. Which is a salad (with unfortunately aged mushrooms) garnished with a cut up grilled cheese sandwich.

Pi had the traditional grilled cheese and a “dipper” soup (enough soup to dip her GC in). Much yumminess.

Since Tom + Chee is especially well known for their grilled cheese donuts, we decided to try one. Ours had caramelized bananas and smoked gouda. And it was awesome. I had one bite and gained 16 pounds. On top of the 800 pounds I had gained eating the grilled cheese sandwich. Which basically means I am going to have to see Omar the Tentmaker about making me a dress for next week.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I admit it. I have bad habits.

I don’t always get 8 hours of sleep. I don’t floss my teeth every day (job security for my dentist). I watch too much bad TV. I rarely say no to chocolate. And I generally don’t take my makeup off at night.

I am not recommending any of these habits. They’re my bad habits, and if you choose to borrow them you do so at your own risk.

Not taking off makeup isn’t really smart. Makeup can clog pores and lead to acne and all sorts of other rotten stuff. Except it doesn’t on my face. There’s no secret except not wearing too much makeup and good genetics. (Thanks mom!)

I generally take off my makeup from yesterday in the morning. Only I didn’t today.

But I have a really good excuse: I was studying chemistry.

More specifically, I was reading a blog about chemistry (sounds more believable already, doesn’t it?).

I hereby pronounce myself the newest fan of Yvette d’Entremont at scibabe.com and here’s the article I was reading.

The thing is, Yvette is not a fan of people who make things up and claim they are talking science.

I’m pretty sure she’ll be ok with my nonsense since when I make things up I say so (which is most of the time) and when I make things up and don’t say so I generally attribute them to Mrs. Joe Neanderthal and if you can’t figure out that I don’t have a direct research line to Mrs. Joe then you have bigger problems than worrying about whether she invented grilled cheese or not.

Anyhoo, Yvette the Science Babe was debunking some of the things (and by “some of the things” I mean every dang word) written by Vani Hari, AKA the Food Babe, who is to science as I am to morning exercise—we’ve heard of each other, but have absolutely no plans to hang out.

Apparently, Hari is marching against any and all chemicals in food. Which is weird since (as I understand it) all food is chemical. Yvette wondered if anyone had told Hari about dihydrogen monoxide. (See, I told you there was chemistry involved.)

In case it is too early for your brain cells to be awake, I will spare you the embarrassment of asking: dihydrogen monoxide is water. H2O. The good stuff.

It was a long article and consequently I had no time to remove yesterday’s makeup with dihydrogen monoxide or makeup remover. So I had to commit yet another sin and slather on today’s layers over yesterday’s. It’s terrible, but I like to think of it as building up an archeological dig for later makeup removal. The experts tell you to layer fragrance, so I say why not borrow from the experts?

The truth is, I’ll have dark circles under my eyes all day. But since I plan to go around saying dihydrogen monoxide as many times as possible, I’m hoping people attribute it to my brilliance (she must have been up working all night) rather than to my bad habits.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Pi was sitting on the floor peeling a grapefruit. The puppy was observing. Closely.

Me: I need a topic for tomorrow’s blog
Pi: The History of Grapefruit
Me: Is the history of grapefruit interesting?
Pi: Look it up. I’ll keep eating
I checked with My Friend the Internet.
Me: No, this is kind of boring. Except, get this. “The fruit is yellow-orange skinned and generally an oblate spheroid shape”
Pi: It’s what?
Me: Oblate spheroid
Pi: Hey Dad! What shape is a grapefruit?
Dad: Round
Pi: Nope. It’s…what is it again?
Me: Oblate spheroid.
Pi: So are you going to write about grapefruit?
Me: Nope. I can’t find a way to make it amusing in my head
Pi: I think this is very amusing. You should write about grapefruit
Me: I’ll consider it. Any other ideas?
Pi: What about the difference between cacao and cocoa?
Me: Huh?
Pi: There’s a difference. You should write about it.
We turn to MFTI. We find lots of information
Pi: So are you going to write about cacao and cocoa?
Me: Um, probably not.
Pi: I find this fascinating.
Me: I need an idea
Pi: What about a blog with a Message?
Me: Like what?
Pi: Like dog fights
Me: What?!
Pi: Because those are bad
Me: But I don’t have anything to say other than “they’re bad”
Pi: You can look it up. And tell people they’re bad. And then add a link
Me: A link?
Pi: So people can donate to help stop dog fights
I sigh
Pi: The grapefruit idea is looking pretty good right about now, isn’t it?
She turns so the puppy can lick her grapefruit covered fingers
Pi: You are so lucky to be in this house. You have a lucky bootie
Me: What does that mean?
Puppy: I have a lucky booty
Me: I still don’t really know what that means
Pi: That his boo-tay is lucky
Me: How is it lucky?
Pi: Because he lives in this house
Puppy: She’s talking a lot
Me: What did he just do?
Pi: He put his nose on my nose
Puppy: I’m trying to make this stop
Pi: He’s trying to make this stop! That is hilarious!!!
Puppy: What do I push to make it all stop?
Me: I think he wants to nap
Pi: He bonked my nose again. That is so funny!!!
Puppy: Nap time
Me: So much for a Great Blog Idea
Pi: You should probably write about grapefruit

The puppy put his nose and eyes under his blanket. I know the feeling.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Just in case you haven’t checked the calendar, today is March 8^th. It’s also Change the Clocks Day, which seems like a royal rip off because it means you get an hour less to celebrate your birthday.

On the other hand, since we’ve been celebrating for several days, I’m willing to bet you’ve gotten a fairly good dose of Happily Celebration.

So for you (and anyone else celebrating today) and for our Happy Birthday Bunny (and anyone else) celebrating tomorrow

Happy Birthday, Kiddo!

Love, Mom