Dear Kid,

The world has now officially come to the end of its technological rationality.

Many people think that happened a long time ago, but I can now officially (and by “officially” I mean I’m saying it) report that the technology world has gone on-beyond, way beyond, beyond beyond rationality.

It seems not everyone is a certified mixologist and – wait for it – there’s an app for that. At least there will be in June.

Not an app where you can look up whatever drink you want and get the recipe; no, that might make sense. And probably already exists.

Created by a new company called Bernooli (here’s the article), this new app talks to your liquor bottles. Think more silent R2D2 rather than C3PO, but there is communication.

The idea is that you get the free app and then buy the kits. You need smart spouts which live on your bottles and communicate with the app.

Want to make a drink? Tell the app, and the bottles will light up, in the correct order, and measure the amount you’re supposed to use as you pour.

Before you race out and spend your hard earned pennies, be aware that the smart spouts aren’t going to be available until December, that they aren’t cheap, and that they don’t come with a bartender to talk to.

L’Chaim.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

With the new year (you remember that we’re in 2016, right?) comes the traditional March of the New Year Trends. Specifically, resolutions, people flocking to the gym, the launch of new diets, and the Prediction Articles.

The prediction articles tell us All We Need To Know for the coming year. It really doesn’t matter if they are correct or not; no one ever goes back at the end of the year to check. There are no grades for prognostication accuracy. Whether you get your prediction article published next year has nothing to do with how well you predicted prior years and everything to do with how many people read your article last year. Also most writers couch their insight with words like “probably” and “in the next few years” and other wishy washy phrases that inevitably translate to “maybe.”

For years (and years and years) most of these articles have focused on technology. Yes, there are also articles about fashion, paint colors, and makeup, but those are actually reasonably easy to predict since everyone in those industries has already agreed about the style trends.

The tech world is a little different. In the tech world, no one agrees on what’s going to happen, only that a LOT is going to happen and that it will be ABSOLUTE.

Apparently, in 2016, all TV remotes will become obsolete, passwords will be replaced with biometric keys, and paper will disappear.

Before you rush out to sell your stock in TV remote companies, let me assure you that not ALL TV remotes will disappear, plenty of passwords will remain, and there is no way we will get rid of paper. You heard it here first.

Do I believe that remotes will be replaced with smart phone wizardry? Eventually, sure. Do I believe that sooner or later biometrics will replace the 8-letter-and-at-least-one-character password? Absolutely. Do I think paper is going away? Um, no.

First of all, pundits have been predicting the demise of paper since I was a little girl, and as far as I can see we use more paper today than we did back then. (Maybe it’s just my perspective.) Digital is good (you’re reading this digitally, which proves that digital is good) but I’ve never had a paper file crash and need the support team’s assistance.

There is something wonderful about the tactile experience of paper. You don’t have to turn off your paper when an airplane is taking off. You don’t lose paper reception when you’re going through a tunnel. You don’t have to pay for more data when you use an extra sheet of paper. And paper interfaces don’t change (do you have any idea how many outdated cords and plugs and whatnot we have?).

I can’t wait to see what wonderful things the tech world will bring us in the next few years. But it won’t be the end of paper.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Holy Moly! Facebook has gone and done it. The inconceivable (I do nah think tha’ word means wha’ you think it means) has happened. Our entire Universe has been turned upside down.

Yes. Facebook has brought the world of Harry Potter to life.

And by “the world of HP” I do not mean the theme park or the movies. I mean the actual world. Into our world.

On FB, you can now make your profile picture a short, looping video. Short as in 7 seconds. Looping as in will play over and over again making PLM (people like me) somewhat sea sick. Video as in pictures that move a la Harry Potter.

Mind boggling.

Or possibly not as inventors constantly push technology to catch up to fiction. Or perhaps a better way to say it is that they push to turn fiction into non-fiction.

I don’t think I’ll be changing my picture to a video any time soon.

But as soon as portkeys are real, this mom is going to do a lot of traveling.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s March, and for many of us Spring Cleaning is in the air (and by Spring Cleaning is in the Air I mean I am sneezing up a storm as evict Dust Dragons that have been in the house as long as we have).

I know that you guys do a reasonable job of keeping your room hygienic (and by Hygienic I mean the health squad hasn’t condemned the place), but I’m going to go out on a limb here and take a wild guess that none of your electronic devices have been cleaned. Ever.

Fortunately for you, Real Simple magazine had an article about this very subject. Even more fortunately for you, I not only read the article, I have consolidated the important points into this blog. You’re welcome.

Technology Spring Clean Up

Cell Phone

Let’s deal with the most disgusting part first. Your cell phone probably has fecal matter on it. Ewww. How? you ask. Many people take their cell phone into the potty with them. According to scientific data which I just made up, college students are 10 times more likely than their parents to take their cell phones into the bathroom with them. Once in the bathroom, you (eventually) flush which causes gazillions of contaminated droplets to spew out of the toilet, into the air, and go searching for somewhere nice to land. Like your hands and your phone.

Wash your hands.

If your phone happens to claim it’s waterproof and you feel up to testing that theory, wash your phone.

If not, use wipes made for wireless devices. Frequently.

Laptop

You’ve probably been using your hands to type on your laptop. Which would be fine if your hands weren’t covered in dirt and oil and germs, and if other people’s germs weren’t circling in space just waiting to land on your keyboard and spring onto your paws. When you think about it, the world is pretty germ-y.

Do not (repeat do NOT) use glass cleaner on your screen. Not now, not ever. You can use a specialty screen cleaner (if you are loaded with money and time) or a damp cloth (if you are not).

You’re supposed to use Sophisticated UV Wands to clean the keyboard. Since I do not own (or intend to own) such a device, I use a wipey-thing. But that is not Officially Approved so don’t blame me if it doesn’t work. Compressed air is also handy for getting crumbs out of keyboard cracks. Not that any of us would ever eat near our computer.

Remote Control

Another Top Spot on the Ick Patrol. Compressed air can be nifty here too. Then Swipe with a Wipe.

Earbuds

Wipe with a damp cloth that has a little soap on it. Follow up with a damp cloth that does not have soap on it. Dry. Do not even think about contemplating all the disgusting things on your earbuds.

Room Key

OK, it’s not electronic and Real Simple didn’t say a thing about it, but I feel pretty confident guessing it has never been cleaned and needs to be. Fortunately, you don’t have to worry about damaging its touch screen or shorting out its circuits, so just wash the darn thing with soap and water.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

A good while back, I wrote an article for e-zine called Ten Rules for Teens. This is my adaptation to Ten Rules for College Kids.

Rule 1. Life is too short to hang out with people you don’t like. College is a time for meeting new people and finding new friends. No need to be rude, but no need to continue a “friendship” that isn’t working for you any more. Get involved and find activities and people you enjoy.

Rule 2. There is always a nice way to do something hard. That doesn’t mean it will be easy for anyone involved, but you can look back and feel good about how you handled the situation.

Rule 3. If it is to be done, best done soon. Shakespeare said it better, but the point is, if you are going to break up with him/her, do it sooner rather than waiting. (This is not a bad rule for writing papers, doing research, and drafting blogs. Get moving. Don’t wait to start.)

Rule 4. Take care of yourself. You are the only you we have and we think you are very special. Don’t smoke, don’t ride in a car without a seatbelt, don’t drink and drive and don’t drive with anyone who’s been drinking, don’t assume you are invincible or invisible. Eat well, drink lots of water (I may have mentioned that), and get a reasonable night’s sleep.

Rule 5. Nothing you put on the internet is ever truly gone. Facebook is part of the internet. So is Twitter, texting, and YouTube. Even with sites that promise that their content disappears (Snapchat, OKHello, etc.) you cannot be sure it’s really gone. If you don’t want your grandmother, your future employer, your future spouse, and three Supreme Court Justices to see it, don’t put it in cyberspace.

Rule 6. Nothing electronic IS your life. This includes tv, social media, email, cell phones, iPod, and gaming systems. Being deprived of any of these for any length of time will not stop major bodily functions or kill your social life. There are scientific tests proving this. Put the electronics away when you are in class (duh) and when you’re studying. You really can’t multitask and do well at both things. There really are scientific tests proving this.

Rule 7. Be nice to your mother every now and then even if she doesn’t deserve it. Send a text, drop a tweet, post a facebook message. Go crazy and dial the phone.

Rule 8. This too shall pass. Take a deep breath. If possible, take a nap.

Rule 9. Commercials, print ads, and videos are not reality. No one in real life spends nine hours in hair and makeup or has the advantage of a full time airbrush. Strive to be the best you can be, but don’t aim for something unrealistic. What’s inside you is much more important than your haircut or your clothing. Sooner or later your peers will figure this out too.

Rule 10. You are the perfect you. And I love you.

Love, Mom

If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly.

–Macbeth

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