Dear Kid,

This morning I woke up waaaay before my alarm thought I needed to.

My typical MO (modus operandi) when I wake up early is to do the only rational thing and close my eyes and go back to sleep. This particular morning, however, my eyes and my brain refused to cooperate with the going-back-to-sleep plan.

Did you know that the plural of modus operandi is modi operandi? Of course you did.

Don’t ask why; I have no idea. It’s not like I went to bed early last night. But there I was: awake. Not bleary eyed where-is-my-coffee awake, but really awake. Brain functioning awake.

While going back to sleep would have been the better option, there is something delicious about really awake before you have to get up and start the day.

Things I thought about while lying in bed wide awake:

This week’s menu. Here’s what I thought: we should have one. (I never actually got around to creating it.)

Today’s blog. Here’s what I thought: I should write one.

My comforter: Here’s what I thought: I love snuggling here knowing I don’t have to get up for an hour or so.

House cleaning. Here’s what I thought: Someone should do that.

Dreams. Here’s what I thought: I can’t remember what I dreamed about.

Clothes. Here’s what I thought: Maybe I should decide what to wear today.

Clocks. Here’s what I thought: Why the heck am I awake?

Sleep. Here’s what I thought: I should probably try to get some.

Reality: Here’s what I thought: Yark! My alarm is set to go off in 10 minutes!

Breakfast: Here’s what I thought: Yum!

Clock. Here’s what I thought: How did it get to be time to leave for work already?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There is a sleeping puppy on my lap, and I am typing this one-handed. It’s been a long time since the baby climbed up, turned around, and settled in for a long winter’s nap. Recently he’s preferred his big pillow, but since it (the pillow) is unavailable (due to its cover being in the washing machine) my lap appears to be a suitable substitute.

Snuggling a sleeping dog is a lovely way to start the year, even though he’s trapped my left arm and is cutting off all circulation in my right foot. Who needs blood flow or efficient typing when you’ve got a little body snoring happily?

Recently I was involved in quite a conversation about pet psychics (and by “involved” I mean listened intently). While I don’t always know what His Furriness is thinking or feeling, right now it’s crystal clear: Mom is a good pillow.

I have never met a pet psychic. I think I’d like to meet one. I generally know what the Puppy is communicating, but it would be interesting to hear someone else’s perspective interpretation translation.

In the pet psychic conversation, I heard some stories that were truly amazing about what the psychics were able to learn from the animals they were interacting with.

It must be really interesting to be a pet psychic. I really like the idea of being a Dr. Doolittle type and really, really know what animals are saying.

I wonder if there are teenager psychics. It would be really interesting to know what my kids are trying to communicate too…

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You may not have noticed, but there is a great deal of confusion in the world today.

I will leave it to others (and by “others” I mean not me) to attempt to unconfused the little problems like global warming, pollution, and why there are no good TV shows on Friday night.

I want to tackle the big confusion of the day. The pressing problem that leaves people scratching their heads and stroking their beards (the ones left over from November and Thank Goodness most of those have been shaved off).

So without further ado, here are Some A Bunch Count ‘Em Yourself Several Ways to Tell the Difference Between College Students and Cows.

Most people think that cows have four stomachs. That’s actually not true. They have just one stomach with four chambers. College students also only have one stomach. They just eat enough to fill four.

Moos aren’t the only sound cows make! Calves make a sound called bawling, while bulls bellow. College students make a lot of different sounds, some of which are even slightly more intelligible than bawling or bellowing.

Cows can live more than 20 years. Sometimes college students feel they age 20 years during finals week.

The average domestic cow sleeps only about four hours a day. The average college students only sleeps about four hours a day during exams. At all other times, the average college student is awake only about four hours a day.

Cows can walk up a flight of stairs, but once there, they can’t walk back down. Their knees just don’t bend the right way. Under certain circumstances, the same can be said for college students. Cows end up stuck. College students usually solve the problem by falling down the stairs.

Cows can’t vomit. College students can. And frequently prove it.

The typical cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day. Don’t ask me to explain this one as I’ve never seen a cow sit. I have seen college students sit.

An average dairy cow weighs about 1,200 pounds, the same as an average college linebacker.

The average cow drinks 30 to 50 gallons of water each day. This is more than most college students guzzle. Of any beverage.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

As a reminder, you already know Udderly Weird Facts About Cows

Dear Kid,

It’s that kind of a day.

I have no idea what that means either.

Last night I spent time hanging out with Pi and watching Total Divas (bad “reality” TV) rather than writing a blog and this morning I spent time sleeping rather than writing a blog and so now my coffee and I are busy staring at a blank screen. (The Puppy has taken over the sleeping so that is still being attended to.)

But it’s that kind of a day, by which I mean it’s an odd day. It’s too warm to turn on the heat, but too cold not to. At the moment I am cuddled under three blankets with my laptop warming the top of my lap and my coffee warming the inside of my tummy. Nothing is warming my toes and they are complaining about it. I told them about your toes turning purple during your class about what cold does to extremities. They “oohed” politely and pointed out that you are young and resilient and—more importantly—attached to someone else which in no way makes them any warmer. Silly toes.

Pi is off at an event for Crayons to Computers (such a good child working for such a good cause) and Dad is grocery shopping (he’s only called me once from the store so far—well, twice if you count the pocket dial). His soccer games got canceled because it is cold and rainy. Yes, I know you don’t cancel soccer games when it’s cold and rainy, but these people did. At least they had the courtesy to call him before he left the house.

There’s a great deal to be done around the house today. Cooking and baking and cleaning and snuggling the Puppy. Unfortunately, none of those things (except Puppy snuggling) sound as nice and cozy as sipping gulping coffee under my blanket. So it remains to be seen what will get done. I have GOT to get better elves.

Hope your weekend is off to a great start.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

What is it about the month of September and lack of sleep?

Because there is clearly Something Going On.

I’m pretty sure it’s the annual outbreak of the Exhaustion Epidemic.

The Exhaustion Epidemic (like the flu) tends to hit several times a year. Unlike the flu, there is no vaccine.

Symptoms include lack of actual sleep, feeling that there isn’t enough sleep in the universe to make you ever feel rested again, and a badittude.

Actual Text from My Friend Sue:

Just wanted you to know that there will be 2 of us in the car tomorrow. Me and my bad attitude.

Fortunately, Sue is a rank amateur when it comes to bad attitudes so I’m not really worried about being alone with her. And her car has plenty of room so we can make her badittude sit in the backseat.

Since I, your mother, have spent years researching and perfecting a Bad Attitude (the noise you just heard was your Grandfather choking on his Diet Coke as he read that), I now present Advice for Dealing with a Case of Exhaustion Epidemic and a Bad Attitude.

Warn People. Because Sue warned me there will be an extra passenger in the car, I’m now prepared to be a little more patient with her. This is far nicer than opening the car door and saying, “Oh. You came along too?”

Get Some Actual Sleep. The EE is only peripherally related to physical exhaustion. Most of the tired is being overwhelmed with life. Nonetheless, EE requires heavy doses of actual sleep.

Make a List. Part of the problem with EE is a feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. This generally leads to paralysis and TV watching. Turn off the TV, and make a list of the Things That Must Be Done. Do one of them. You’ll feel better. I promise.

Eat Real Food. Nothing exacerbates a case of EE like junk food. Except maybe junk food and too much coffee. Either way, eat something real. Your badittude won’t want you to, but your brain will thank you.

Call Your Mother. It won’t necessarily help, but it can’t really hurt. And it will make me feel better. And I promise not to fuss at you for the first five minutes of the call.

Here’s hoping you avoid a case of EE this term.

Love, Mom