Dear Kid,

Sorry I didn’t answer the phone when you called earlier this morning.

Wait. You didn’t call? Must have been an oversight. According to the Rule Book, it’s a good idea to call your parents every now and then to make sure they remember who you are and how to send you money.

As I was saying, sorry I wasn’t available when you called. I was asleep. You probably knew I was sleeping and were being considerate in not calling.

Uh-huh.

You might remember that I haven’t been doing a lot of that recently. Sleep, I mean.

And I’d finally gotten to the point where not sleeping was no longer an option.

Bad things happen when one doesn’t get enough sleep. Like being tired. And cranky. And unable to form coherent sentences.

I haven’t been that tired in a long, long time. Tired to the point where making an ordinary decision is harder than climbing Everest. Where even caring about making an ordinary decision is harder than thinking about climbing Everest.

This is why I have such respect for single parents. I have Dad to make sure when I get that tired there is still a responsible adult around. I truly don’t know how single parents manage, but I’m crazy impressed that they do.

We had not gotten to the point where there was a probability of Really Bad Parenting (you and Pi are Old Enough not to play in the street), but we had gotten to the point where I didn’t care about basic decisions.

“Want to breathe oxygen?” “Too tired to care.”

So I not only went to bed at a Reasonable Hour, I slept far past the Normal Wakeup Time.

And I didn’t make my bed.

All of which put me in a Much Better Mood.

Even though I didn’t get to talk to you when called.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There’s this thing that’s supposed to happen in the middle of the night. It’s called sleep. And it’s eluding me. Apparently that last cup of Starbucks wasn’t exactly the right idea this afternoon.

So I am awake. Awake and unproductive. Because there are things one is not supposed to do in the middle of the night. Those things are: Everything That Isn’t Sleeping.

Theoretically speaking, I could clean up in the kitchen. But not only is that Not Sleeping, it would involve a dangerous (and by “dangerous” I mean loud) chain of events. I’d (sort of) like to clean up the counter. But that would involve cleaning up the sink. And that would be loud. And it would involve emptying the dishwasher. And that would be loud. And it might involve stubbing a toe, and that would most definitely be loud.

By then I’d have a woken up the entire household. Do you know what’s worse than me being awake in the middle of the night? The entire household being awake in the middle of the night. And do you know what’s worse than the entire household being awake in the middle of the night? The entire household being awake and cranky in the middle of the night. And I’m darn sure we’d have cranky people if my cleaning wakes them.

Besides, I have to be up really early.  Why are you keeping me awake, child? Let your cranky mother get some much deserved sleep. The elves can do the dishes later.

There is very little logic in my life at this hour of the day night.

Love, Mom

I just re-read the part about me cleaning. In the middle of the night. I am hilarious.

Don’t forget to share DearKidLoveMom.com. It’s a great way to start your weekend.

Dear Kid,

Reasonable people do not get up in the morning and think “I’ll go make a big mess in the kitchen this morning.” Most reasonable people get up in the morning and think “Coffee. Now.”

Most reasonable messes do not get up in the morning and say “Today is the day I will splatter myself on some unsuspecting soul’s kitchen.” Most reasonable messes get up in the morning and think “Coffee. Now.”

Because everyone is pursuing caffeine with a determined single-mindedness, things tend to work out ok.

Most of the time.

Because most of the time Distraction can’t be bothered to get up that early. Its alarm clock goes off, but rather than getting up, Distraction rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Most of the time.

Occasionally Distraction and a grumpy mess meet at the coffee maker. Distraction and the entire Mess side of the family don’t get on well under the best of circumstances. And pre-caffeine is not—by anyone’s definition—the best of circumstances.

When a Distraction and a grumpy mess meet pre-caffeine, there is a lot of elbowing. There is shoving. There is “Stop looking at me!” This can lead to coffee grounds falling in places where they won’t get turned into coffee.

If they aren’t told to Stop It NOW And I Mean It! and sent to their rooms to settle down, things can get downright ugly. And by “downright ugly” I mean someone might get thoroughly distracted and forget to put a coffee cup under the Keurig.

Do you know what happens when you forget to put a cup under the Keurig? Nothing if you forget to turn the Keurig on.

I didn’t forget that part.

Distraction and the mess are currently sitting in the corner snickering and refusing to help me clean up.

Hope your day is off to a good start.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I have been thinking about koalas. Because koalas are cute and they sleep a lot and I have been thinking about sleep. Koalas sleep about 18 hours a day – because they can.

I slept a lot this weekend. Partly because I could and partly because … well, entirely because I could.

Sleep is a wonderful thing (I believe I may have mentioned this once or twelve thousand times) and college and high school kids rarely get enough.

You know that feeling when you’re sitting in class and you have to jerk yourself awake every few seconds? Caused by not enough sleep.

You know that feeling of reading the same test question three times and still not knowing what it says? Caused by not enough sleep (occasionally caused by a bad instructor, but usually lack of sleep is the culprit).

You know that feeling of being rude to your family and not really knowing why but not being able to help it? Generally caused (or at least exacerbated by) not enough sleep.

You know that feeling of your stomach hurting and your head spinning and the world going too fast on its axis? Can be caused by a bunch of things, but one of them is not enough sleep.

What can too much sleep cause? Too much sleep can cause you to miss classes, too much sleep can cause you to miss work, and too much sleep can turn you into a legend (just look at Rip Van Winkle). Basically, if you adhere to proper alarm clock management, there aren’t many downsides of too much sleep.

So.

We are delighted you’re home. Seriously happy to have you back here. And we understand you need a day or two to sleep and recover. There are a few things we need to accomplish in the next few days (and by “we” I mean you), but mostly you are free to snarf food (please stay awake long enough to clean up), watch bad TV (try to share the remote), and lounge like a piece of Jell-O on the couch.

The ordinary rules of family behavior will be suspended modified over the next day or two. After that, we expect you to return to regular family member status and helpfulness.

In the meantime, get some sleep.

Love you, kiddo.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

What a wonderful 4th of July weekend.

There was so much going on this weekend—celebrations in different cities with different families of different times in our lives.

Shout out to those at #Kutz50 this weekend–Love you guys! Sorry we couldn’t be with you.

One of these days I will figure out how to clone myself and be all places simultaneously. In the meantime, I’m grateful for Facebook and people who share photos.

Shout out to those at Red, White, and Blue Ash–Thank you for enjoying the evening for us!

Shout out to family gathered in Cleveland–Oh wait. I’m here. No shouting necessary. Yay!

We watched fireworks from the rooftop in Cleveland last night. It was absolutely amazing to see all the fireworks from countless localities all at once. It was a panorama of pretty. A kaleidoscope of kaboom (without most of the noise). Very, very cool.

And just when we thought the show was nearing its end, the City of Cleveland started its fireworks show. Spectacular.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a small moment for a Public Service Announcement.

Dear ‘Murica,

No, it’s not better when you take a photo of fireworks using your iphone with the flash on.

No, it’s not better when you hand your nephew a burning sparkler and tell him to stick the end through the chain link fence so he doesn’t get burned.

No, a few more beers does not improve your ability to set off fireworks. Let the professionals do it. You should stick with saying “ooh” and “ahh.”

No, it is not funny to try to convince your dog that fireworks are fun. Let him go inside and cower in the privacy of his own home.

Sorry. Some things just have to be said.

Hope you enjoyed your fireworks show last night and you have a great day today.

Get some sleep, kiddo. Pretty sure you need it.

Love, Mom