After much scientific analysis, data regression, and an apple, I concluded that the average professional football player is big.
Big as in larger than the ordinary human. Big as in there is a reason that football pants only go to the knee (any more fabric and the league would go broke). Big as in “Daaaammmn!” (Extra points if you get the reference.)
It’s important that football players are big—because all the other football players are big. It is important that football players are strong—because all the other football players are strong. It is important that football players are fast—because splat is only fun if you’re the splat-er rather than the splat-ee.
This year’s Super Bowl was a feast of have and have nots seen and seen not.
We saw puppies and more puppies and Super Bowl babies and Doritos babies and cars and even some football that didn’t include unsportsmanlike conduct. We saw the longest punt return in the history of the Super Bowl. We saw a two point conversion.
We saw a lot of sacks and a lot of turnovers. And a really sad FG attempt that had our resident kicker saying, “Oh, I feel so bad for him. The commentators need to stop talking about it. I’m sure he feels bad enough.”
Did you notice that Cam’s chewing gum matched his uniform? Important color coordination. I think that’s worth at least 2 style points but negative five for Who Lets Someone Play with Gum in Their Mouth?
We heard the announcers talk about Athletic Trainers (shout out!) and we saw a great halftime show.
There was a lot that we didn’t see in this year’s Super Bowl.
We didn’t see OT, because Peyton. We didn’t see dabbing by Cam, because defense. We didn’t see a safety (frowny face).
We didn’t see a drop kick bounced on the ground. It’s legal, it used to be done a lot, but now it seems QBs and kickers are leaving that kind of drop kick to rugby players.
We didn’t see illegal leverage. This does not refer to using the same cash to place multiple bets (the finance majors reading this understood that one). Illegal leverage is when the defense pushes or pulls members of their own team during a FG or PAT.
We had a long National Anthem and orange beverage being poured on the coach (important if you’re following the prop bets).
In Summary: We need to go back to Roman Numerals.