Dear Kid,

Actually, the Olympics are here since several events started before tonight’s Opening Ceremonies. And by “opening ceremonies” I mean the opening ceremonies of the games since there aren’t going to be opening ceremonies for the nearby hotels. Mostly because the majority of the new hotels didn’t get finished on time. #OlympicFail

To no one’s surprise (except mine—I apparently wasn’t paying attention), it is warmish in Sochi this time of year. Certainly warmer than Cincinnati. This is because Sochi is in the warm part of Russia where they stay warm by sharing toilet space. Weird.

To guard against an early spring (we miss you spring!), Sochi has saved up tons of snow (I kid you not) and kept it nice and cozy under specially made thermal blankets.

The opening ceremonies (featuring the US’s colorful, patriotic, original costumes) will take place at 11am eastern. Since that is not considered to be prime TV time, NBC is delaying the broadcast until 7:30pm which will give me time to go to the gym before deciding whether or not to watch. Nordic combined skier Todd Lodwick will be leading the US delegation. Billie Jean King will not be there because her mother is ill, which is sad on many levels.

Fisht Olympic Stadium, which cost $780 million to build (and in my opinion should be pronounced without vowels), is the venue for the opening ceremonies. With a price tag like that you should be sure to ooh and ahh.

There has been controversy around a new sport, slopestyle snowboarding. The course is quite dangerous (Norwegian medal contender Torstein Horgmo broke a collarbone and withdrew from the games). Officials have made some changes to the course, but not enough for Shawn White who has graciously bowed out of slopestyle to concentrate on the half pipe.

I think there will be controversy around the team figure skating; probably because I am considering starting the controversy. But I have brilliantly decided to wait and see how it goes before committing to objecting to it.

There are 12 new events for this Olympics. Women’s ski jumping debuts (can you say “It’s about time?”). There are also several mixed events including Biathlon mixed relay, figure skating team event, and luge relay. Both men and women will ski the halfpipe (which I think will be cool), ski slopestyle and snowboard slopestyle (which will only be cool if they are safe), and snowboard parallel slalom. Clearly the Olympics ran away and had an affair with the X Games.

Even though NBC is delighting themselves by promising to broadcast Every Moment of Every Event (some of the broadcasting will be on pay-per-Olympics channels), you are not required to watch Every Moment of Every Event. The news media and I are here to keep you posted on the Stuff You Really Need to Know. I’m just That Kind of Mom.

Love,

That Kind of Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s Friday, and for the first time in many weeks we will not be heading to a High School football game tonight. It feels a little weird. I’m sure the weather forecasters are pleased that I have no need to fuss about the accuracy (or lack thereof).

Sports are not the only thing in life. They may not even be the most important thing in life (calm down, I said “may”). But big changes in sports seasons often take me by surprise. I get taken out of my short-term habit of going to The Game, watching football on the weekend while curled up on the couch, half watching a hockey game before bed while I get a little bit more work done. Other people seem to flow seamlessly from one season to the next and you’d think I would have adjusted to the change by now. I haven’t. I’m always a little disappointed that when I want to watch a football game there isn’t one on. (Why people don’t consult me on the schedules is still a mystery.) Perhaps it’s because I don’t like all sports equally (but that’s a topic for another day). Fortunately, we haven’t hit the end of the televised football season yet, so I don’t have to go cold turkey.

I know you’re headed to the basketball game tomorrow (see how confusing the change of sports season is?) Maybe part of the problem is that the seasons don’t change so much as overlap. I shall have to think about this some more. Hope you and Dad enjoy the game and that OUr Team wins.

Speaking of soccer (just because I wasn’t) this kid is amazing. Just when you think it’s gone on a little too long and you’ve had enough, keep watching. And yet, he probably can’t pass a Chem Exam.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We are hip-pad deep in Football Season, and since you are enrolled in classes like Chemistry and Really Advanced and Complicated Math, I realize you probably don’t have time to study the Sport of the Gridiron. Fortunately, I am here to help. Here are 13 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About College Football.

1. During the first college football game (1869 Princeton v Rutgers) the teams each had 25 players on the field. The rules were different Back Then. However,  counting to 25 was a real challenge and the rules were changed over time to get a more manageable number of players on the field.

2. Field goals in college football were originally worth five points. The value of kicking the ball through the uprights was decreased to four points in 1904 and three points in 1909. This is important because it is the only known instance of deflation in college football. (Except for the footballs themselves. They deflate all the time.)

3. College bowl games once included the Raisin Bowl, Salad Bowl, and Oil Bowl. (I did not make that up.) The first Puppy Bowl was broadcast in 2005. The Puppies in the Puppy Bowl are all rescue puppies and there is information on the show about how to adopt them. Cuteness and responsibility in one. Better than the Raisin Bran Bowl.

4. The orange and white team colors of the Tennessee Volunteers were chosen in 1891 to represent the daisies which grow on the campus. Daisies. Guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams.

5. The forward pass first appeared in college football in 1906. It was introduced in an attempt to increase scoring and reduce injuries. One hates to contemplate the state of the game if injuries hadn’t been reduced…

6. During Nebraska Cornhuskers’ home games, their stadium becomes the state’s third largest city. Please observe a small moment of silence for all the comments I am not making about this little tidbit.

7. The Wisconsin Badgers once had a real-life badger as their mascot. During games, it was led around the sidelines on a leash. The animal proved too mean, and was replaced with a costumed mascot in 1940. It probably would have been terrified by the daisies.

8. The first college football game was broadcast on television in 1939. The teams involved were Fordham University and Waynesburg College. Pure. Marketing. Genius.

9. Yale has won more National Championship (18) than any other college football team. Their last title came in 1927 (that is what is called “Clarifying Information”).

10. College football fields were originally 120 yards long and 100 yards wide. Then they were made smaller. Presumably to make room for more daisies.

11. The white stripes on a college football are designed to help the receiver see the ball better. Clearly, the Steelers need bigger stripes. Who Dey! (Did I just say that?)

12. Although their team name is “The Cardinals,” Stanford’s unofficial mascot is the Stanford Tree. The mascot’s costume is created anew each year by the incumbent Tree. The mascot’s costume is created anew each year by the incumbent Tree. I have not been able to determine if the tree adds rings each year, but since it’s Stanford, I’m guessing the rings are accurately created based on rainfall and the amount of fertilizer in the area. Which I have to assume is substantial.

13. The rallying cry for the Maryland terrapins is “Fear the turtle.” But not as much as the daisies.

Give my best to Rufus and any other college mascots you see wandering around.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I am watching a dog competition. Not a beauty competition like Westminster, but the “agility/racing/disk catching/don’t really care what your pedigree is” kind of competition. (I like Westminster, but that’s not what’s on right now.)

Watching these dogs, some of whom are rescue babies, is really fun. Although I cannot even begin to imagine undertaking the kind of rigor and training these families go through. They practice, they travel to competitions, they practice, they train, they… you get the idea.

When did the word “Frisbee” change to “flying disk”? According to the broadcasters, the disks play to the dog’s instincts to go after a bird and catch it. Which means there is no way Booker will be great at the sport, since he thinks birds are there to ignore. So unless there is food involved, there is a limit to how much Frisbee-catching he’ll be willing to do.  With the amount of practice it would take for him to compete at this kind of a level, he’d double his weight in no time.

I wonder who practices more: some of these doggies or college athletes? I am not even going to speculate.

The video of the small dog agility is eight minutes long—which I understand is long for a blog. On the flip side, it is nothing compared to the hours of sports I know you are going to watch today. (Soccer this afternoon, Stanley Cup tonight, and who knows what else in between.)

As fun as this looks (for the trainer and the puppies), I can’t imagine trying to seriously train Booker for agility competition. If nothing else, I think his body shape might not be entirely ideal (his front end would have to wait for his back end to catch up).  Most of these dogs begin their training when they are wee little puppies, which means we’ve missed the window (by about 8 years).

So he’s not an elite athlete (I’m not either). He’s ours and I love him (you’re ours and I love you too).

Woof.

Love, Mom 

Dear Kid,

Pi is off to the High School Football Combine.

I thought the Combine was called the Combine because it combined several different physical tests.

Nope. Grandpa Hank, who knows all kinds of interesting bits of information, explained that in Days Gone By (that is prior to 1982), NFL teams had to schedule individual visits with the players they were considering recruiting from different colleges. All of this dispersed testing was not only difficult for the coaches and players, it was expensive for the owners. On the plus side, it meant that the sports writers got lots of trips to exotic places like East Nowhere in order to interview everyone and report on the potential for a promising collegiate upstart to break his leg three games into the season.

Not caring one whit about the discomfort of the sports reporters, but caring deeply about their gross profits, the NFL owners decided to Combine these different tryouts. Why they don’t call ‘em tryouts, I have no idea. Clearly, no one asked me. The Combine is now permanently in Indianapolis.

I did some sneaky in-depth research of my own and discovered that none of the tests requires cramming anything but pasta the night before.

In case you’re interested, the tests/evaluations include:

• 40-yard dash (to test for speed)
• Bench press (to test for strength)
• Vertical jump (to test for springs)
• Broad jump (to test for horizontal springiness)
• 20 yard shuttle (to test for directional changes)
• 3 cone drill (to test for ice-cream eating ability)
• 60-yard shuttle (to test for long-distance direction changes)
• Position-specific drills (to see if you really can do the job they’ve watched you do in college games for the past four years)
• Interviews — each team is allowed 60 interviews in 15-minute intervals (to test for ability to deal with sports writers)
• Physical measurements (no comment)
• Injury evaluation (You break it, you bought it. Who wants dented merchandise?)
• Drug screen (to test for inoperable stupidity)
• The Cybex test (to test joint movement)
• The Wonderlic Test (to test brain movement. The Wonderlic test was invented by super genius Kathy Kolbe’s dad. Different story.)

Turns out that—as with many things—past behavior/past performance is a much better indicator of success than any of these nifty test. However, the Combine gives sports journalists and broadcasters much more convenient access to everyone.

In high school, pretty much nothing is combined and—at least at our school—the results don’t have much to do with being on the team (although it might impact Varsity/JV status).

I’m hoping the HS version doesn’t include an injury evaluation or your sister will be there twice as long as anyone else. One of her big goals for the summer is to get all her muscles and joints and whatnot in reasonable working order so she can compete as a healthy athlete. Or at least start the season as a healthy athlete. Sigh. Oh, Pi.

As you are no doubt aware, the child has every intention of making the Varsity team (now that someone has graduated and left a critical kicking vacancy there). If determination and attitude have anything to do with it, she’s a shoe-in. If size is at all a factor, maybe not so much.

Cross your fingers, toes, and kicking cleats for her please.

Love, Mom