Dear Kid,

I played soccer yesterday. And I was awesome.

Now before you begin thinking up snarky responses, let me clarify.

Pi, Dad, and I went to the soccer field yesterday. Pi wanted to practice tricky moves and needed two live bodies to practice around. Guess who provided one of the bodies.

Turns out I am a natural for standing where I’m told to stand on a soccer field.

Seriously, you would have been crazy impressed.

I even managed to get the ball away from her. Once.

I celebrated. Dad and Pi laughed. I did not get a yellow card for excessive celebration.

Then I was promoted to ball-kicker. It was my job to kick the ball to Pi and her job to get it around Dad.

Once again, I executed my athletic duties with accuracy, timeliness, and amazing modesty.

Finally, it was my job to throw the ball in the vicinity of Pi’s feet. I say vicinity since there was a lack of clarity on the part of the direction-giver. But I finally got the hang of it. And then Pi kicked the ball in Dad’s face.

Fortunately, she didn’t kick it hard, so there were no emergency room runs.

I plan to announce my retirement from soccer later today amid great fanfare, a major press conference, and sobs from Pi. At least when she isn’t laughing at me.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Soccer is a ridiculously easy game. (And by “ridiculously easy” I mean more complicated than you might think.)

Because it is easy, I give Pi the same advice before every game: The ball goes in the net.

Sometimes she even takes my advice. Easiest thing ever.

But there are things that make soccer more complicated. And I’m not talking about understanding the plays. (People who know what they’re talking about when it comes to soccer insist that there are plays and set pieces and other preplanned events. The rest of us are pretty sure the ball just gets kicked around a lot.)

Even I can play soccer.

Opponents. Of course, soccer is made slightly more complex by the other team who sees it as their job to keep the ball out of the net. Or at least have it go into the other net.

Teammates. Teammates do not always play perfectly. This can tend to cause inconsistencies on the field. And groaning on the sidelines.

Rules. Then there are the complications because of the rules. (The rules work better when they’re enforced—looking at you, referee who decided that calling fouls was for wimps and he was darn sure not going to be a wimp.)

Traffic. Traffic is another complication, made worse on Tournament weekends when everyone and their brother is going to a soccer field that is just on the wrong side of the field you’re trying to get to.

Do you think medieval tournaments (think jousting and other fun sports) had parking issues?

Kettle corn. Kettle corn really isn’t a complication. At least not until the little boy next to you spills his and sets up a wail suitable for replacing all the emergency sirens in a six mile radius. I’m quite sure knights in shining armor didn’t have to deal with kettle corn spillage. They might have had to deal with loud children.

Port-a-Potties. Complication. And by complication, I mean “ick.” Especially if you’ve been sitting in the sun. And by “sitting in the sun,” I mean drinking a lot of water while sitting in the sun. And the port-a-potties have been sitting in the sun. Double ick.

And yet, with all the complications, soccer is ridiculously easy. The ball goes in the net. The crowd goes wild. The player have fun. And eventually we go home.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

A few days ago we had the opportunity to wander Penn State. Here’s what I know:

• It rains there.
• There are a lot of buildings, some of which are newer than others.
• There is a lot of construction (see “newer” above).
• There is a lion statue.
• The name “Nittany” comes from the mountain lions that used to roam near the school and to Mount Nittany a local landmark which we didn’t see.
• But we did see the statue.
• There is a lot of ice cream. Dad and Pi helped make sure there was slightly less by the time we left.
• Really nice first floor of the business school building.
• It is a big campus.
• It seems bigger when you’re walking in the rain.

We wanted to see the Rec Center but it is not easy to get into that building. Dad finally found an unauthorized door for us to sneak in. We wandered around not finding the rec center and a very nice man said, “Are you looking for lacrosse?”

It was a reasonable questions since I was wearing the lacrosse jacket I inherited from Samara. I smiled, I’m that kind of a mom, and said, “No, the jacket was my niece’s. This is my soccer player.” I said this because I had deduced he was with the soccer organization since his t-shirt said “Soccer.”

Turns out, he’s one of the coaches with the women’s soccer program, and he kindly invited us in to his office to talk about Penn State Women’s Soccer. Crazy cool. Also it wasn’t raining in his office.

He did not spontaneously offer Pi a full scholarship, but that’s probably because he’s new to the school. I’m sure not having ever seen her play wasn’t even part of the equation.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Getting ready for the Super Bowl is not a process to be taken lightly. After all, the Super Bowl happens but once a year. Like New Year’s Eve but with better commercials. Who doesn’t love puppies and Clydesdales?

Being the kind of mom I am, I have decided to provide you with this Handy Guide to Getting Ready for the Super Bowl for the College Kid.

1. Decide where you are going to watch the game. Are you guest, host, or throwing everyone out of your dorm room so you can watch in peace? Are you going to watch in someone’s room or head out to an environment where there are Public Viewing Options like B Dub’s (less good if you actually want to hear the commentary or commercials).
2. Get your homework done in advance so you don’t hear your mother in your head saying “What is your homework situation?” during kickoff. Do not try to do homework during The Big Game unless you plan to go to the library and ignore The Event.
3. If the event is going to be in your dorm room, calmly discuss the viewing options with your roommates. The conversation should go something like this. “NO SLEEPING DURING THE SUPERBOWL. AND IF YOU DO DECIDE TO SLEEP YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOISE LEVELS FROM THOSE OF US WATCHING THIS IMPORTANT SPORTING EVENT.” If your roommate is from a futbol loving country like Brazil, he or she will totally get it. If not, you may have some ‘splainin’ to do.
4. Arrange for snacks during the Super Bowl. It is perfectly acceptable to insist people bring their own and leave you out of it; you just have to be clear. Otherwise you will be subsisting on whatever’s left in the vending machine and questionable remnants of a burrito.
5. Do not go out the previous evening. You need to rest up for the big event. (Yeah, ok, that’s mom advice.)
6. Decide what time you are going to begin watching. This is not as silly a statement as it may sound since coverage begins far before game time. And by “far before game time” I mean yesterday.
7. Agree with your co-watchers on the appropriate method for evaluating commercials. This can range from ignoring them completely (a tactic employed by 6% of Super Bowl watchers), calmly discussing them (2% of viewers), or screaming raucously at the top of your lungs (everyone else).
8. Text during the game. In the modern world (and by “modern world” I mean your world), it is fairly lame to only watch the game with the people you are watching the game with. Be sure to ignore the people in the room (at least part of the time) to catch up with those watching in other venues.
9. Enjoy! With luck it will be an interesting football game.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone. ~ John Madden

Tonight is the Homecoming Football Game (High School) between Our Heroes (YAY!) and the Other Team (also known as Them).

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. ~George Raveling

Our Heroes (Yay!) will be wearing green (unless they are wearing black—my usual informant on the subject is doing homework and I have been told Not To Interrupt) and the Other Team (OT) will be wearing something else. Probably white.

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ~Phyllis Diller

Since it is Homecoming, we expect the game will be exciting, the stands will be full, and the crowd will be loud.

There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team’s goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally. ~Alfred Hitchcock

Also since it is Homecoming, the band will be out in full force and the Court will be Crowned.

The thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football. ~Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

Note: Being that it’s a Terry Pratchett quote, it’s probably about soccer not American football. But being that it’s a Terry Pratchett quote, one can never be 100% sure. I read the book and I while I’m reasonably certain, I can’t be 100% sure.

It is supposed to rain. This is likely to dampen some of the enthusiasm.

Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t. ~Jerry Rice

We expect that Our Heroes (YAY!) will win. Expect some degree of excessive celebration.

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. ~Craig Ferguson

Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of football/life analogies?

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. ~Lewis Grizzard

We will be at the football game. With any luck we will be warm(ish) and dry(ish) and celebrating the victory of the Homecoming.

Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~George F. Will

Love, Mom