Dear Kid,

September 24^th is an auspicious day. Make a note.

It is important partly because it is today (and Today should always be important in the moment if not in hindsight) and partly because of what happened in 1789.

If you’d been around in 1789, you would have had longer hair and you probably would have spent a lot of time saying things like “I live in the United States of America” because the country was new and it cool to talk about it. No one had invented the term ‘Murica at that point.

If you and your longer hair happened to be hanging out in the Congressional corridors, you’ve have learned that it was a Big Day because the Judiciary Act of 1789 was being passed and immediately signed by President George Washington.

So get this: policy decided, drafted, debated, passed, signed, and enacted. Just like that. Bam! Mind blowing.

Later that Very Same Day, George got to implementing. The Judiciary Act of 1789 established the Supreme Court of the United States (until then, disputes were settled with Rock, Paper, Scissors), and The Very Same Day the legislation was enacted George nominated John, John, William, John, Robert, and James to sit on the Supreme Court. (John was named Chief Justice.)

But it gets even more astonishing. Just two (2) days later, in a stunning act of bipartisan sanity, ALL SIX APPOINTMENTS WERE CONFIRMED BY THE SENATE.

Political observers have wisely pointed out that there are two very good reasons the nominations went through so quickly and easily. The first is that it’s History and we Americans like our history somewhat romanticized—and apparently the founding fathers were obliging. The second reason is that Twitter hadn’t been invented yet. Neither had ‘Murica.

As you know, I’m generally pretty a-political in these letters. Partly because I think you should make up your own mind, partly because there are plenty of people talking politics out there, partly because people who talk about politics rarely listen to me, and mostly because I find politics (generally) dull as dried mud. (But boring or not, you should be sure to vote. It’s important.)

On the other hand, it seems to me that our current political leaders could learn a thing or two about Getting Things Done (and Done Quickly with Quality) from those who were in their roles in 1789.

Hope your day is Supremely Awesome.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There’s a boot!

Not just a boot, a BootMobile. An enormous, drivable, boot. (And I so love weird stuff like this.)

LL Bean (of Maine fame) is coming to Cincinnati, and ahead of its arrival they sent the boot. How could we not go check it out?

Especially because I have a pair of LL Bean Duck Boots that are older (a lot older) than you are.

Bean Boots were first made in 1911 which makes them older (a lot older) than you. Leon Leonwood Bean (you always wondered what the L.L. stood for didn’t you) got cold toes while hunting. Which isn’t surprising since he lived in Freeport, Maine, and it’s always cold there. He convinced a local cobbler to make him a pair of boots using rubber soles from rainboots and leather from leather boots, and voila! the boot (the boot mobile came later).

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You know those boxes that Chinese food comes in? Those ubiquitous containers are called oyster pails (you didn’t know that, did you?).

They are called oyster pails because they were originally designed to hold clams. Kidding, they were originally designed to hold oysters.

The origami-like pail was invented in the late 1800s when oysters were mucho popular and much less expensive than they are these days. Although they were everywhere, oysters were not easy to open. So when people bought them, they usually had the oyster monger crack the mollusks open (the better not to severely injure themselves in the shucking process). The opened oysters were put into – you guessed it – oyster pails for the ride home. No word on how the oysters felt about transportation via box.

By the mid-1900s, overfishing and burger joints meant people weren’t eating many oysters. Which left a whole lot of boxes with nothing to do.

Enter Chinese take-out.

And now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If you happened to have been alive in 1914 (you weren’t), and if you found yourself in Hamilton, Ohio, and if you happened to be paying attention, you might have noticed that there was a new baby. His name was Robert McCloskey and he grew up to write Make Way for Ducklings and Blueberries for Sal.

Quick! Name the ducklings.

“But wait,” I hear you say, “If he’s from Hamilton, what was he doing writing about ducks in Boston?”

Most excellent question. He went to art school there. And it’s where he met the Mallards. Interestingly, he bought some ducks to study before he illustrated the book.

“OK,” I hear you continue, “But then what about the other books he wrote? Blueberries for Sal is set in Maine! After all, there aren’t that many bears or blueberry hills in Boston!”

So true.

Robert spent much of his life living in Maine.

And we will always be grateful for his stories.

Love, Mom

P.S. The ducklings are Jack, Kack, Lack, Mack, Nack, Ouack, Pack, and Quack. But you knew that.

Dear Kid,

You’ve heard about the Oedipus Complex (being in love with your mother in a less-than-generally-acceptable-way). Now, ‘tis time to learn the original story.

Once upon a time, there was a king names Laius. Being That Sort of king, he consulted the oracle at Delphi to find out if his wife, Jocasta, and he would have children. Really, you’d think people would have learned better than to talk to oracles, because—as we know—oracles are always right but they tend to confuse the issue.

The oracle said that they would be paying a visit to the maternity ward, but that their son would kill Laius.

So did they practice safe sex? They did not. Once Jocasta had popped the baby boy out, Laius and Jocasta rethought the whole being-killed-by-his-son thing. Jocasta gave the baby to a shepherd and told him to leave the baby out in the mountains to die. The shepherd didn’t follow directions and the baby ended up being adopted by King Polybus and Queen Merope in Corinth.

Eventually, someone told Oedipus he was adopted. Rather than searching the internet for info on his parents, Oedipus went to Delphi to Learn More.

At Delphi, Oedipus learned that he was destined to kill his father and marry his mother. Oedipus thought that meant Polybus and Merope so rather than heading back to them in Corinth, Oedipus hopped in an Uber Chariot and went in the other direction, toward Thebes.

When will they learn? The oracle is always, always right.

On the way to Thebes, guess who he ran into? No, don’t guess, I’ll tell you. He ran into Laius, only sort of literally. There ensured An Argument about which charioteer had the right of way (road rage, ancient Greek style), and Laius and Oedipus got into a fight. Guess who won? No, don’t guess, I’ll tell you. Oedipus killed Laius.

Parents: 0; Oracle: 1.

Continuing his travels, Oedipus came upon the Sphinx (this was before she was turned to stone in Egypt). The Sphinx asked all travelers a question; if they could answer it, they were allowed to continue on; if they couldn’t, she ate them. Yum.

The Sphinx asked Oedipus the same question: What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? (I’ll give you a minute if you want to think about your answer.) Oedipus answered the question correctly, saying: Man (who crawls on all fours as a baby, walks on two legs as an adult, and uses a cane in old age). The Sphinx threw herself off her rock because she was an Extremely Poor Loser.

When Oedipus got to Thebes, news of him defeating the Sphinx had already reached them (good news traveled fast even before Twitter) and Oedipus was welcomed with open arms, named King, and wed to the widow Jocasta (who you may remember was his momma and was now a cougar).

Parents: 0; Oracle: 2.

Years past, babies were born, and famine hit Thebes. A messenger was sent to Delphi to find out what had gone wrong. According to the oracle, the land was suffering because King Laius’ killer hadn’t been caught and prosecuted.

Oedipus (who was now the King) cursed the killer and swore to exile the villain. Only they had no idea who the villain actually was. So they called in Tiresias, the old blind prophet. Tiresias told Oedipus not to ask questions. Oedipus insisted (and as King he could be quite insistent). During the ensuing argument, Tiresias provoked Oedipus into revealing that he was the killer in question and that Oedipus didn’t know who his birth parents were.

More arguing.

Then in burst the proverbial messenger, with the news that King Polybus was dead. At first, Oedipus was relieved because it meant he couldn’t have killed his “father”. Oedipus refused to attend the funeral so that he wouldn’t see Merope and somehow make the second part of the oracle come true (remember, Oedipus couldn’t see the scoreboard from his vantage point).

Finally catching up, Jocasta realized that Oedipus was her son, so she did the only reasonable thing and hanged herself. As Oedipus learned the whole truth (that he had in fact killed his father and married his mother), he did the only reasonable and appropriate thing: he took the brooch from Jocasta’s gown and stabbed his eyes out.

Following that, the now blind ex-king (you knew they’d get rid of him, right?) fled, and went to Athens guided by his daughter, Antigone, so that Sophocles could write plays about them.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you ever had your eye start twitching for no apparent reason? Mine started twitching yesterday. Right in the middle of a meeting.

I quickly put my hand up to hold down the twitch—I didn’t want people to think I was winking at them.

“What are you doing?” someone asked. Apparently I wasn’t quite as subtle as I thought. On the plus side, I managed to turn the conversation from budgets to eye twitching. And I learned that while I thought I was doing a full-scale eyelid wave, no one had noticed what were actually teeny baby itsy bitsy micro-twitches.

According to My Friend the Internet there are a number of reasons your eye might start twitching. I investigated each.

Eyestrain. That seems entirely reasonable. Strain your eyes, and your overworked muscle twitches. It happens with biceps why not eyeballs. On the other hand, I wasn’t lifting eye-weights or staring at microscopic print. Probably not eyestrain.

Fatigue. Let’s see. Tired eye, tries to close, turns out doing rapid blinky thing? Reasonable, but I’m not any more tired than usual.

Caffeine. Too much caffeine can make your eyes twitch. What does that mean “too much caffeine”? Too busy laughing to take this one seriously.

Dry eyes. Why on earth would my eyelid enjoy scraping against my arid eye so much it would go to afterburners? No question that my eyes are dry. But again, no more than usual.

Allergies. Which can make your eyes dry or watery (a confusing conundrum). My allergy meds probably rule this out.

Pinkeye. Pretty sure I would have noticed the other pinkeye symptoms.

Stress. Duh. But no more than usual.

Because. Just because. That must be it. At least, it’s the answer I like best.

Love, Mom