Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, someone thought it would be a good idea to strap two wheels together, balance precariously between them, and pedal through a lot of mountains until they fell over from exhaustion. Then steroids were invented and they called the ride the Tour de France.

I consulted My Friend the Internet to learn about this year’s ride. There will be 9 flat stages (Flat stages are for wimps because even I can ride a bike if the terrain is flat. I can’t imagine why they include flat stages in the Tour), 3 hilly stages, 7 mountain stages (definitely NOT for wimps), 2 rest days, 1 individual time trial, 1 team time trial, and a partridge in a pear tree.

The longest Tour was in 1926 and covered 3,570 kilometers. This year’s race will cover 3,360 kilometers. No one knows how many miles that is which is fine because we don’t understand much about L’Tour. (We know more about Words on Tour than we do about the Tour de France.)

Not only is there a long tradition of cycling in the Tour de France, there is a long tradition of cheating. Not just the more recent steroid and drug cocktails, but really creative cheating. Like early on, one of the cyclists hopped a train for part of the journey. And in 1953, Jean Robic traded his water bottle for a bottle filled with lead so he could have extra weight to help him zoom down the mountain.

Until the 1960s, cyclists would drink alcohol during the race to numb the pain. According to My Friend the Internet, alcohol was banned because it was considered a stimulant. (Of course, according to the rest of the world, alcohol is a depressant, but whatev.)

Tour participants burn a lot of calories. And by “a lot” I mean about 5,000 calories a day. For the record, that is more calories than I burn in a month. Which is a really interesting reason to consider becoming a world-class cyclist.

Happy Tour.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

All sorts of moving sporting events are happening. And by “moving” I mean motion not e-motion.

The bulls have started running in Pamploma. This is possibly one of the stupidest events in the history of stupid events. I am not referring to the intelligence level of the bulls. The running of the bulls lasts for a week and sends a lot of people to the hospital.

The Tour de France has started. In France. This is possibly one of the dopiest events in the history of dopy events. And by “dopy” I really mean dope-ed. Yesterday there was a huge crash forcing a number of riders (including the guy wearing the yellow jersey) out of the race. The Tour last 21 days and generally doesn’t send this many people to the hospital this early in the event.

The World Cup is moving out of Canada now that the women have agreed that the USA women are the best. Now eyes are being cast in this direction in preparation for the All Star game next week. Since the entire world was watching, a violent fight broke out on Fountain Square on the 4^th. Lovely. Usually the 4^th of July doesn’t send this many people to the hospital for non-fireworks related injuries.

Makes you want to vote for the bulls.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once again, there was soccer. Women’s World Cup Soccer to be more specific.

The other night the US women won their game against Germany.

And while they may have won, they didn’t exactly play to Dad’s standard. I know this because of the string of “No, no, NO! What are you thinking!?!” and “Cross! Cross! Aw, come on, you gotta play better than that!” and other similar comments snarls bellows.

Dad also found it necessary to comment on the officiating. “What? Are you kidding me? How can you not call that?” and “Nope, nope, nothing there, play on, good no call.”

Frankly, I’m amazed he didn’t lose his voice.

Last night was the Japan/England game. I’m not sure if Dad didn’t care as much or whether he really had lost his voice, but there was a lot less couch coaching.

The next game will be Saturday, USA versus Japan for the World Cup Title.

I’m off to buy earplugs.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I was watching American Ninja Warrior (catching up on an episode I missed) and I have to tell you about one of the competitors.

Mostly, I’m not crazy about the little backstories the producers insert. The best I can say is that they’re usually short. I tune in to watch the ANW athletes, not to hear about their travels or to see the various obstacles in their backyards.

But Missouri State senior Caitlin Shukwit (a dance and theater major) is a little different.

Shuks (her nickname) has both OCD and Tourette’s Syndrome. The OCD means her tics come in threes, and before and during her run we can see the tics. She goes out partway through (it’s a pretty impressive run), but that’s not what I want to tell you about.

In the backstory before she attempts the course, they focus on her OCD and Tourette’s. And she says (I’m not quoting exactly—please forgive me): Sometimes I wonder “why me?” but then I think if this is the worst I have to deal with in my life I’m doing really well.

She goes on to talk about how she hopes to inspire people to change their mindset about things and see things that could be negatives as a positive.

Unexpectedly moving and motivating. And spot on. It’s all about mindset.

I hope she’ll be back next year.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Huzzah!

Much good has been going on in the world.

American Pharoah did the near-impossible and won the Triple Crown in glorious style and will presumably pass on the trip to Disney (isn’t that where all major sporting event winners go?), hang up his racing shoes, and go on to become a gigolo stud. Because like all major sports, horse racing is about money, and one doesn’t want one’s star stud getting hurt or – God forbid – losing (which would drop his stud fees like the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square).

Canada celebrated Sepp Blatter’s resignation and the start of the women’s soccer world cup by beating China in the first game. Talk to Dad about the officiating. He has Opinions. Other Countries play today and the US enters the fray tomorrow. Dad will doubtless (without a doubt) provide me with more details than necessary which I will probably not pass along to you.

Yesterday was National Yo-Yo Day which had its ups and downs (sorry, couldn’t help myself).

Today is National Chocolate Ice Cream Day which seems a bit redundant (isn’t every day chocolate ice cream day? Who needs a declaration?).

And tomorrow is Best Friend Day. For the record, you can have more than one best friend at a time. I know this flies in the face of “best”-ness, but for once I believe we should use a looser interpretation of the word. (Yes, it’s still me writing.)

Have a great day sweetie.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Yesterday was a great day in sports (depending on your point of view of course).

The Rangers won the first game of the semi-finals (east) 2:1. Dad was out reffing so Pi picked up the coaching from the couch duties.

The Puppy napped.

Pi got ready for Prom (yes, prom is a sporting event). She looked fabulous, complete with a gold converse sneaker on one foot and a pink tie-died sock and aircast on the other.

The Puppy barked and had to be bribed to get out of the pictures.

There was golf. Records were broken. (Clean up on aisle 3.)

And American Pharaoh swam through the mud to victory at the Preakness, which means there is the possibility for a triple crown in three weeks at the Belmont Stakes.

The Puppy chewed on his foot to address an itch and then suggested he share dinner with Dad.

But here’s the best part of the day.

Charlotte Brown finished third at the Texas State Championships. You may remember (if not, I’ll remind you) that Charlotte Brown is an amazing teenager who just happens to be a blind pole vaulter. Vador, her guide dog, joined her on the medal stand. Massive cheers!

The Puppy was suitably impressed. Then asked to be scratched.

Love, Mom