Dear Kid,

Today is Auntie M’s birthday (it would be quite nice of you to send her a text recognizing this auspicious event).

As you may recall, Auntie M is left handed, so this seems like an excellent time to discuss the stigma of handedness.

If one were to look up facts about left-handedness (which I did and don’t recommend you do), you would find all sorts of nasty (and frequently untrue) things. You would also find a few important facts missing.

It seems like a Big Mistake to focus on fallacies, inconsistencies, and just plain mean facts on Auntie M’s birthday. (I figure I can return to being a rotten sister tomorrow if I feel like it.)

So, being the kind of mom and sister I am, I now present you a list of Happy Facts and Important Reminders About Left-Handers.

1. Between 10-12% of people on earth are lefties. Researchers postulate that the proportion of left-handers has remained constant for over 30,000 years. How they figured that one out, I have no clue.

2. One must always knit right-handed. This is not discrimination; it is fact. I know because Grandma Pat said so and she was left-handed, and if you think I’m going to argue with Grandma Pat you are out of your mind.

3. There are more left-handed people with IQs over 140 than right-handed people. Smarty pants lefties include Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Benjamin Franklin, and Auntie M.

4. The Incas thought left-handers were capable of healing and that they possessed magical abilities. The North American Zuni tribe believed left-handedness signified good luck. The Incas and the Zuni are well known for being insightful people. At least on this subject.

5. Studies have suggested that left-handers are more talented in spatial awareness, math, and architecture.

6. Left-handedness runs in families. Lefties in the British royal family include the Queen Mother, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Charles, and Prince William. No official word yet on the baby.

7. Because connections between the right and left sides of the brain are faster in left-handed people, information zooms back and forth, making left-handers more efficient in dealing with multiple stimuli.

8. Less than 1% of the world’s population can be considered truly ambidextrous. The correct term for this is both-side-handed.

9. The longest words that can be typed using only the left hand with conventional hand placement are sweaterdresses and tesseradecades. No idea why you’d want to worry about this.

10. Lefties make lovely sisters.

Happy Birthday, M.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Yesterday when Booker saw the deer he went bananas. Which of course got me thinking about bananas. And being the kind of mom I am, I am going to share some of the weird banana tidbits with you. (You may feel free to thank me later.)

Bananas are naturally radioactive because of their potassium content and the isotope potassium-40. Since you are the chemistry-oriented one, I will not explain this (mostly because I don’t understand it). Since there is not enough radioactivity to upset airport security people, you probably don’t have to worry about eating them.

People eat a lot of bananas.

• Over 100 billion bananas are consumed annually worldwide, making bananas the 4th largest agricultural product in the world (behind wheat, rice, and corn).
• This does not include any bananas eaten by Minions.
• Americans eat 26.2 pounds bananas a year (your father is helping to pull up the average. But not enough because) Ugandans eat 500 pound bananas per year per person. That is A Serious Bunch of bananas.

The banana plant is actually considered an herb and the fruit is a berry. This is crazy confusing because I can’t think of another berry that you peel. (NOTE: strawberries are not considered a berry, but that’s a post for another day.)

Banana plants grow up to 25 feet high, and their leaves can grow to be 9 feet long and 2 feet wide. Their roots can be hundreds of years old.

Great Banana Song #1

Weird Banana Facts

• The scientific name for banana is musa sapientum, which means Fruit of the Wise Men. This has lots of implications for the celebration of Christmas.
• Bananas are a very rich source of vitamin B6, which your brain needs to function properly and make you wise. This has no implications for holidays other than Report Card Day.
• Bananas float in water, as do apples and watermelons. None of them are useful as personal floatation devices.
• Bananas are Walmarts’ best selling item. I have no information about seasonal sales of bananas.
• The word banana comes from an Arab word “banan” meaning finger. An individual banana is called a finger. A bunch of bananas is called a hand.
• Those stringy things are called phloem (pronounced FLOM). Apparently, if you peel a banana from the bottom, you will be phloem-less. I’ve never proven this because I can never remember this trick until I’m mid-banana.
• Bananas first became popular in these here United States at the 1876 Philadelphia Centennial Celebration, where they were sold wrapped in foil for 10 cents each (which was ridiculously expensive then).
• David Evans Strickler invented the banana split in 1904. He was 23 at the time and understood that there aren’t many foods that don’t improve with a good dose of chocolate.
• Miss Chiquita first appeared on banana labels in 1963 (which was an exceptionally good year for a number of reasons).

Never, ever throw a banana into a beehive. The pheromone that makes bananas taste like bananas makes bees go one level over “highly agitated.” So unless you’re looking for really angry bees, keep the bananas away.
Great Banana Song #2

Tune in tomorrow for Weird Uses for Bananas. I mean, really weird.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

My friend the library let me down. In case you’re not sure, the library is kind of like the internet except you have to travel to get there. I grabbed a book at the library the other day called The Book of Olympic Lists which is totally misnamed. It should be called the Book of Summer Olympic Lists Completely Ignoring All Winter Sports.

So I have now turned to my friend the internet to help round out my research.

It is still true that sometimes over the years host countries have added interesting unusual weird sports to the Olympics (like Tug of War and Obstacle Swimming). I can now add Interesting and Unusual Winter Sports for your reading enjoyment. I am not making any of this up.

In 1932 (Lake Placid), one of the sports was a dog sled race. Actually, there were two races on the 25.1 mile course. Only Canada and the US participated since dogs from other parts of the world decided they’d rather curl up in front of a nice cozy fire. This was the first recorded time in Olympic history of athletes using less-than-private “facilities.” So Sochi is just revisiting communal potties.

Moving straight ahead, or at least straight down, the Albertville Olympics (1992) showcased speed skiing. The point of speed skiing is to hit the fastest speed you possibly can (think clocking a baseball pitch). Speed skiers regularly exceed 200 km/h (125 mph), which is even faster than a free-falling skydiver (about 190 km/h; 120 mph). The Frenchman who won in Albertville reached 229 k/hr. This is a very dangerous sport (people have died) and is not nearly as interesting to watch as it sounds like it should be, so we’ll keep it on the “nevermind” list.

The best named sport I could find is skijoring (which I will leave to others to pronounce correctly). Basically, skijoring combines skiing with dogsleding. The human wears skis and a harness to which a dog (or three) is/are attached. There are no reins so you have to hope your dog is very motivated to get moving and that you have trained your dog to respond to your voice commands even when that pup can’t see an immediate incentive to do so. Skijoring was in the Games in 1928 (St. Moritz) where the skiers were pulled by horses (which made it more like combining skiing with a Budweiser commercial). Also, they held the race on a frozen lake. Which is odd because frozen lakes are flat and part of the fun is going over bumps and jumps. Or so I’ve been led to understand.

The other oddly named sport is skeleton (which of course has nothing to do with Halloween or underfed athletes). Men’s skeleton first appeared in the Olympics in 1928 (still St. Moritz). Then everyone forgot about it until the Olympics went back there in 1948 and they tried it once again (once being the operative word). In 2002 (Salt Lake) men’s and women’s skeleton became part of the regular Olympic lineup. In my opinion, extra points should be given for really cool helmets.

Hoping your Olympic lineup includes studying of epic proportions.

Love, Mom

Want to sign up to get DearKidLoveMom delivered daily? Just use the comment form below! (It gets easier all the time.)

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, when the modern Olympics were in their infancy, the games were not nearly as regulated as they are now (except for the bathrooms, which apparently are still fairly unregulated). In those days, hosting nations were free to make up invent include some lesser known sports in the competition (this is true).

• In 1896 there was an event (100 meter freestyle swimming) that was only open to members of the Greek navy. That level of specificity may be going a bit too far but the Greek navy participants seemed pretty happy about it. All three of them who entered the race anyway.

• This was followed in 1900 by the Swimming Obstacle Race. Competitors had to climb over a pole, get over a row of boats, then swim under another row of boats. While this now reeks of various made-for-TV competitions, I think this is the type of event that would be a marvelous addition to Olympic fun. And I wouldn’t even need a commentator to explain it to me.

• That year the Tug of War also made its Olympic debut. It was so popular they kept it in the games for 5 Olympics, but they changed the rules each time (just for fun and international controversy). Again, a winner in my opinion.

It seems to me that random events like these would add a great deal of fun and surprise to the games and I am considering starting a petition to bring back the events that would only be interesting once every four years. Kind of like curling, but without even that much practice. Being the kind of mom I am, I have thoughtfully come up with a few options for the IOC to add to the next Winter Olympics.

Snowman building competition. (Apologies to anyone who is offended by “snowman”. It seemed like a better use of language than “snowbeing”.) This will be a timed event (3 hour limit) judged (by a group of extremely knowledgeable kindergarteners) based on size, design, use of snow, and snacks served to the judges.

Obstacle speed skating. This long track style race includes slightly tipsy spectators on the ice (in skates) who are simultaneously competing for Best All Around Amateur skater.

Skate jumping. Not like the pairs kind. More of a combo of snow cross and speed skating. Cool, huh?

Cross Country tug of war. Teams compete elimination style in a tug of war with all competitors on classic cross country skis.

Ski Dancing. Either cross country or freestyle skis. Any combination of two skiers allows (HA, Mr. Putin). Future sports to include snowboard dancing.

Driveway shoveling. Open only those who hand-shovel. Style points for tossing snow and grumbling about the polar vortex. The Americans from the Northeast are heavily favored given their expertise with the white stuff.

Polar Bear Plunge. This is popular enough to make it official. We could add interest by including real polar bears. Hungry ones.

What are your ideas for new Olympic sports?

Love, Mom

What? You forgot to sign up to have DearKidLoveMom delivered to your email? No problem. Just fill in the teeny little form at the top of the page (to the right).

Dear Kid,

It can be surprisingly easy to lose focus, not only when you’re listening to Great Uncle Bubba tell that same fishing story again, but in class (zzzzz), in a sporting event (Super Bowl anyone?), in life.

Sometimes getting back in the game isn’t too hard. A friend Gibbs-slaps you on the back of the head, wham, you’re not sleeping in class any more. Longer term, you vow to get to bed at a reasonable (ish) hour. Then you get together with that slap-happy friend and compare notes so you’re sure you didn’t miss anything. Poof, you’re caught up.

Sometimes it’s a little harder. You know you’re behind in studying, you know you should get to work, you know it’s important, and yet there you are, staring intently at the ceiling wondering why you still haven’t opened a book.

Five Tips for Getting Back in the Game

Here are five tips for building a recovery plan.

Move around

It is very hard to get working when you’re staring at the ceiling. Or the TV. Or the inside of your eyelids. If you’re having a really hard time getting started, start by moving around. Maybe take a quick walk around the building or over to the library. Certainly, sit up and find an active sitting position (at your desk is a good idea).

Set little goals

Studying huge amounts is daunting at best and can be overwhelming. Don’t tell yourself you have to learn three chapters of Bio in one evening. Instead, tell yourself you need to read one section in the next half hour. Easy peasy. Reward yourself with a quick text to your mother. Then set the next little goal. You’ll be cruising through the material without realizing how much there is.

Have an accountability partner

Once you get past the ickiness of the buzzphrase, you’ll discover you’re already doing this. Having a workout buddy or being part of a review group are good ways to be sure you’ll get the work (or workout) done. Another way is to agree to text a friend when you’re about to start your homework and agree to meet for a coffee when you’re done. Or just to text. Or whatever.

The point is we’re more likely to get something useful accomplished if someone else knows we’re going to do it and will probably ask if we’ve gotten it done.

Give something up

There seems to be a feeling today that one (and by “one” I mean “students in general”) should be able to have it all and do it all. Um, hate to be the one to tell you, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes we have to make choices and give up something in order to have something else. You may have to skip the basketball game. You may have to shorten your workout to only 2 hours. You may have to get up half an hour earlier. You may have to wait until reruns to watch the next episode of How I Met Your Mother. You may have to shorten your shower to under 10 minutes. None of these things will kill you. (FACT: It is perfectly possible to get thoroughly clean in a short shower.)

The point is we only have 24 hours a day. You might not always be able to fit in everything you want to do. It can be really hard to make the right choice, but make the right choice anyway.

Remove the distractions

I am the queen of liking to work with the TV on. But I also know if I really have to concentrate, really need to pound through a bunch of stuff (rather than writing 6 words an hour), I need to turn off the TV, turn off the music, remove myself from cuddling with the puppy, and just Get to Work. Dull, Boring, and Highly Effective.

There are two important keys to a Recovery Plan.

1. Plan. Once you’ve started to slip behind it can be very difficult to get yourself going. Have a plan for how you’re going to recover if you start to slide. Create your plan while you still feel in control of your situation. Write it down. Hopefully you won’t need it, but if you do it will be there.
2. Do Something. Do anything. But get started. You know the saying “Even if you do a short workout, you’re still lapping the people sitting on the couch?” Same idea. Just get started. Get off the bench and get back in the game.

What other tips and tricks do you have for getting back on track if you’ve slipped a little?

Love, Mom

P.S. Stay safe—We’re supposed to be getting more winter weather.

There was supposed to be an image here of tons of hockey skates. Apparently picmonkey.com didn’t eat its bananas today, no no image.

Dear Kid,

It seems that when I go somewhere with Grandma and Grandpa in their hometown, we inevitably run into huge numbers of people who know them. We go out to dinner, someone stops them to chat. We’re at the mall, a parade of friends stop them to chat. We go to a movie, more chatting. It’s not like they live in a town of six people and two horses where everyone knows everyone. It’s just that everyone knows them. Which is great.

The most astonishing time was when they came to visit us here in Cincinnati. We all went to see a performance (I can’t remember what) and while we were waiting, someone stopped by to chat. With them. In my city. Ridiculous. Funny, but ridiculous.

Last night you were the one everyone knew. Fortunately, our wait for a table wasn’t more than about 20 minutes, because it seemed that everyone leaving the restaurant stopped by to say hello—to you. Once we were seated in a dark and hidden corner, we returned to anonymity. One of the families that stopped to chat (with all of us) was a hockey family from when you played in high school (lo, those many moons ago).

Which reminded me that I had written some advice about hockey, both for players and for parents. This is a reprint of what I said (published exactly 4 years ago), but it seems to me that my insights and advice are as brilliant and relevant as ever. As is my humility.

Hockey moms are tough. We sit in bitter cold arenas watching opposing teams try to damage our children. We invest in cars the size of Canada to lug equipment bigger than the child from rink to rink.  We endure frostbite and penalty calls equally.  Mostly, we say a silent prayer of thanks each time the child comes off the ice with most important bodily parts intact.

Here are my Top Ten Tips for Surviving Hockey Season as the parent of a player. With a special bonus Top Ten Hints for Surviving as a Player.

Top Ten Tips for Surviving Hockey Season For Parents

1. Wear the same kinds of outfits as the guys who climb Kilimanjaro.  Then bring a blankets (preferably one to sit on and one to cover your legs). Don’t forget the little chemical packets that warm up when you smack them.
2. Invest in an industrial size bottle of Fabreeze.  Better yet, make it a case.  I thought soccer bags got a little ripe, but soccer bags have nothing on stinky boy hockey stuff.
3. Find a portable hobby.  What with the kid having to be there over an hour before the game starts and then the showering and packing up after the game, there is a fair amount of wait time. Do your waiting in the area outside the rink where it will only be very chilly rather than stupid cold. Bringing something to entertain yourself (and any small children you may have brought with you) goes a long way toward making the time more enjoyable.
4. Hockey has often been defined as a fight in which an occasional game breaks out.  Fortunately, it is not nearly as vicious in High School—except in the stands. Seriously? These are kids. Back off and enjoy the game.
5. If you haven’t already learned it, figure out the best way to get from your rink to the Emergency room.  Be nice to the doctors, as over the next few years you are likely to be there more than once. (Corollary: If you are there so often they know you by name, you might consider encouraging the kid to switch to a nice safe sport, like boxing.)
6. Hockey rink food is pretty bad. And generally all you can say for the coffee is that it is more or less hot. Plan accordingly.
7. Many High School hockey teams have a variety of players.  Don’t say “But you’re a GIRL!” when you meet Chris the Goalie.
8. Turns out, much to my surprise, that referees are human too. They make mistakes. Shouldn’t happen, but it does. Disparaging their eyesight or casting aspersions on their ancestry is annoying, rude, and teaches our kids the wrong things. Kindly remember that there are siblings in the stands.
9. Cheering for your team is good. Booing the opponents is bad. Cow bells are fine. Fog horns should earn you a one-way ticket to the penalty box (these are not professional size arenas, folks!).
10. The most difficult position in hockey is MotherOfTheGoalie and she might be sitting near you. Try to remember that if the puck gets to the net, someone else on the team either didn’t do their job or got beaten. Phrases like, “Oh, come ON, you gotta get those!” are neither useful nor informative. Guaranteed the goalie did not let the puck in on purpose.

Top Ten Tips for Surviving Hockey Season: Reminders For Players

1. Looking at the latest in NHL level equipment is not a substitute for getting your homework done.
2. The front hallway is not an acceptable storage area for hockey equipment. And stacking your equipment neatly so that it conveniently blocks the front door is not helpful.
3. I bought you a case of Fabreeze. Please use at least some of it.
4. Watching an NHL hockey game on tv is not—under any circumstances—“studying.”
5. Your sister has gone to all of your hockey games. Yes, you have to go to her dance recital.
6. I don’t care how big you are or how effective you are on the ice rink. I’m still your mother, and I make the rules.
7. Hockey pucks do not belong in the house. Especially when there is a hockey stick in your hand.  No amount of “I promise I won’t hit anything!” changes this rule.  Just as no amount of “I didn’t mean to” will repair Great Aunt Sophie’s vase.
8. “I have to re-tape my stick” is not a reasonable excuse for not doing school work. Nor is it a reason for us to invest in enough tape to mummify the entire western hemisphere. Sorry, extra tape is on your own dime.
9. We are only half-way through the season and so far this sport has cost us the equivalent of the national debt of a medium-sized nation. Try to act grateful occasionally. Or at least not sullen.
10. The floor, the chair, the banister, inside your hockey bag—NONE of these are considered appropriate places for your wet towel.

Addendum: While there is nothing quite as wonderful as watching your child play a sport (any sport), there is something to be said for watching sporting events from the comfort of a warm home and a comfy couch. With good snacks. And clean rest rooms.

Today we’re on the road taking you back to college. Still have mixed feelings about that.

Enjoy the hockey (from the bleacher seats), enjoy your friends, learn lots, and be good.

Love, Mom