Dear Kid,

Having now been the Raw Materials Review Board, the Manufacturing Department, the Construction Crew, the Deconstruction Department, and the Serving Section for the Sweet 16 Sixteen Layer Cake, I feel qualified to describe the process.

Pay attention. You never know when there will be a pop quiz.

1. Discuss the layers. Decide that the plate is not an official layer, but frosting and fillings are.
2. Create the Master List of Layers.
3. Lose aforementioned list.
4. Recreate the Master List of Layers.
5. Find the original list and dither between the two.
6. Bake and freeze two brownie layers, two cake layers, and one cookie layer. Use only one pan. In your haste, don’t let the layers cool sufficiently before removing from the pan. Make a mess. Be glad there will be lots of frosting to disguise the less than perfect layers.
7. On the Day of the Party, unfreeze the layers.
8. Get your favorite BoyChild to core and slice half a zillion strawberries for the strawberry layers.
9. Enlist Grandma to help and lend moral support. Do not underestimate the importance of this step.
10. Get out your favorite cake plate (in this case the one the Wonderful Gloria gave me years and years ago).
11. Cut one of the cake layers in half. Wish you had thought to make all the layers really skinny.
12. Begin building layers as follows (read this list as though you are digging in from the top—like an archeologist reading layers of civilization):
    1. Frosting
    2. Marble cake
    3. Mini chocolate chips
    4. Jam
    5. Brownie
    6. Strawberries
    7. Frosting
    8. Cake
       1. We used a cardboard divider at this point for stability and to improve our chances of cutting the cake.
    9. Cake
    10. Strawberries
    11. Jam
    12. Brownie
    13. Heath chips
    14. Frosting
    15. Cookie
    16. Frosting (to help glue the cake to the cake plate)
13. After each baked layer is added drive toothpicks through the layer to the one below to improve your chances of making any misalignment permanent.
14. Once you have all the layers assembled, climb on a stepstool to frost the top of the cake.
15. Begin frosting the sides of the cake. Realize you don’t have enough of the white frosting to cover the entire cake. Growl at the frosting. Decide to use chocolate frosting on the back third of the cake.
16. Once you’ve gotten the entire monstrosity frosted, do an end-zone worthy happy dance. Regret that you haven’t taped it for YouTube. Realize the sugar has begun to affect your brain and be very glad you haven’t taped it for YouTube. Return to work.
17. Add decorative swirls near the bottom to cover up where you cheated because you were running out of frosting. Add decorative swirls to the top to be decorative.
18. Creatively write the name of the Birthday Pi in yet a different frosting to the top of the cake. Contemplate adding more strawberries. Decide that might be construed as another layer and nix the berries on top idea.
19. Add candles and declare the cake finished.
20. Stand back and appreciate the oohs and ahhs. Note that there is nothing that gushes more than an impressed 16 year old.
21. Feed people.
22. Realize there is going to be a LOT of leftover cake.
23. Wonder what the protocol is for serving cake at breakfast.

Thank you for all the help before and during the party. You were awesome.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I have the great fortune to be friends with the awesome Girlfriendology who invited me to attend the annual YWCA Women of Achievement #YWCAWomenAchieve luncheon yesterday. (Well, annual for them—they’ve been hosting the program for 35 years. This was my first time attending.)

There were over 2,100 people at the event (think lots of and lots of people at over 200 tables—aren’t you glad you weren’t cooking lunch?). I was sitting at a table of bloggers (it was like old home week) and they announced that we were the blogging table and hit us with the spotlight at the beginning of the event. Perhaps it was to excuse our “rude” behavior of being on our phones—it was our job to tweet during the luncheon.

I took a photo of my lunch because I thought you’d be interested.

I took a picture of my shoes because someone else might be interested.

The first part of the program was introducing the work of the YWCA. The work that they do to help and protect abused women and kids is unbelievable. As in, it is hard to believe how many people need their help and even harder to believe the amount and quality of help they are able to provide.

Then each of the women being honored were introduced. There were some pretty spectacular stories of some extremely impressive women. As Girlfriendology whispered at one point, “It kind of makes you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything, doesn’t it?” Word.

Viola Davis was the keynote speaker. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, pretend it does. She was Abilene in the movie The Help. She has been in movies (obviously), on tv, and on Broadway. And she was A-May-Zing.

And by amazing, I mean not a sound from the 2,100 people in the audience, standing ovation, bigger claps than any of the honorees got, amazing.

What a great way to spend the middle of the day.

Hope your day is inspiring.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I spent the day in a meeting. In a meeting in a room in a building where management had not gotten the memo that it is Spring. That it is a warm spring. It was a warm building. It was a boiling hot room.

So of course I started thinking about ice cream.

There are (as you probably know) two kinds of ice cream: the kind with non-ice cream stuff in it (rocky road) and the kind that is just ice cream (chocolate).

Sometimes classification is easy. Nuts: definitely not ice cream. Sometimes it’s more complicated. Does the fudge in fudge ripple count as non-ice cream stuff? It has just about—but not quite—the same texture as ice cream. Hard to say. And what about strawberry ice cream that’s made with real strawberries? Tough call.

Fortunately, it doesn’t really matter.

There are (as you probably know) two kinds of ice cream: ice cream that has stuff on top of it and ice cream that doesn’t. There is no problem telling the difference between the two. The only question is what you’re in the mood for.

There are (as you probably know) two kinds of ice cream: ice cream I have and ice cream I don’t have. There is absolutely no difficulty differentiating between the two. Guess which I prefer?

Ice cream is also a fabulous way to welcome a new cousin into the world. (More on that in a few days.)

I’m seeing some ice cream in our afternoon…what do you think?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There are some things you should look at very carefully. Science experiments and legal documents come to mind. And there are some things you should not look at too carefully because the answer might terrify you. Exact ingredients in fast food comes to mind. And there are some things you shouldn’t look at too carefully because details get in the way of enjoyment. The four-course dinner at The Melting Pot comes to mind.

We recently visited The Melting Pot for dinner. It was fabulous and I may never recover. Not only was the company lovely, the food was delicious. If you care to revisit the meal, you have but to look at my hips, because that’s where it is all hanging out. I checked, and the caloric total for our dinner was 4 trillion b’zillion quadrillion calories. Per person.

This translates to roughly doubling my weight in one meal. Dad ate more than I did and will not have gained an ounce. You ate more than Dad and probably lost weight during the meal. I couldn’t eat breakfast the next morning (still too full), spent 6 hours on the elliptical, and (I think) burned off the salad (Caesar salad without dressing). You on the other hand slept soundly and barely had enough fuel left to make it downstairs for a 9 course breakfast. Metabolism can be so unfair.

I’m not sure what was going on with Pi because she was having a blonde night and that child has almost black hair. She was almost as funny as I am, but she wasn’t trying most of the time. Especially when Jim (The World’s Greatest Server) was adding graham crackers to the s’mores fondue and she asked if he was adding bark (not willow bark because she didn’t know about that). I don’t think any of us have figured out what she was talking about, but we almost fell off our chairs laughing.

It really was an excellent meal.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As you may have heard, we’re in the midst of March Madness. This means that instead of walking a plastic bottle over to the recycling bin, Dad now shoots, misses, and yells, “goal tending.” (Score so far: Dad: 0; recycle bin: 5.)

It also means the TV is tuned to basketball a lot. Possibly even more than a lot. And when it’s not basketball, it’s hockey (Frozen Four preliminary games), because apparently there are real life penalties for going sports-free during this season. (Score so far: Dad: much cheering; Booker: napping interrupted with each score).

The TV remote is getting an incredible workout. I’m sure it works for Dad (I think it’s a man-thing), but the constant channel flipping is scrambling my brain a little. It’s like we’ve invented the new game of baske-hockey. The announcers really don’t sound all that different, but the squeaky sneakers are definitely different than hockey skates. (Score so far: shorts: same length for hockey and basketball; broadcasters: closer to a heart attack than seems necessary; bad commentating: he’s not only in the flow, he’s playing swimmingly—could be for basketball or hockey.)

Dad is (unsurprisingly) commenting on the games, the refereeing, and the sportscasting. The only thing I haven’t heard him talk about is fashion statement of the uniforms. (Score so far: Uniforms: un-evaluated; players: not playing up to in-house standards: officials: need you even ask?)

In other sporting news, I’ve been creating chaos in the kitchen, but so far I haven’t burned anything. (Score so far: successes: 1; disasters: 1.)

Spring break has started here. This is good news for Pi who is still healing. Unfortunately, the freezer seems to be warming up along with the weather. (Score so far: crocuses: happily blooming; appliances: negative 5 b’zillion; Booker: doesn’t like walking in the rain.)

No big plans for the week, although I am hoping to have more successes than overt failures in the kitchen. (Score: TBD.)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Big news. You might want to sit down.

We’re halfway through the week, and I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned that this is American Chocolate Week. Yup, you heard me. An entire week devoted to chocolate. (Hear that sound? That’s Grandma saying “yippee!”)

Eating ⅓ of a chocolate bar every day may reduce the risk of death 50%. Not clear what size chocolate bar so you’d best go big to be sure.

Here’s the really, really good news: you can participate and not feel guilty. Two reasons:

1. Did you note that it’s “American” Chocolate Week? As far as I can figure, that means that as an American you are practically OBLIGATED to partake in celebration.

2. Chocolate is good for you. Not only does it make your mouth happy (and a happy mouth is a polite mouth), and not only does it contain antioxidants, but I just learned it contains chemicals that are good for you. (Chemistry majors, take note.)

Anandamide–This lovely chemical makes you happy. It also in inhibits human breast cancer cell proliferation. That is a pretty nice combination and moves this to one of my favorite chemicals that I can’t pronounce.

Phenylethylamine–Another chemical I can’t pronounce, but I do know phenylethylamine makes you slightly more alert and gives you the feeling of love. Unfortunately, it is metabolized very quickly, which is (of course) why we eat more chocolate.

Theobromine–Theobromine doesn’t contain bromine. It’s a nifty diuretic and encourages blood vessels to widen. It’s probably what makes chocolate an aphrodisiac and it may also cause chocolate addiction (not that chocolate addiction is exactly a bad thing). It’s definitely what makes chocolate poisonous to dogs (and cats, but cats generally snub chocolate since they don’t have sweet taste receptors).

So whether you head for M&Ms or brownies or a Triple Huge Mocha Latte something-or-other, be sure to include a short toast to American Chocolate Week.

Huzzah.

Love, Mom