Dear Kid,

I’ve been cooking a lot the last few days. And I’ve been thinking about cooking—especially while I watch shows on the Food Network. There is a tremendous difference between the cooks on the Food Network and cooking at home. In thinking clearly about this, I’ve identified 5 More Things That Will Absolutely Make Me a Better Chef (with only minimal overlap to the original Five Ways to be a Better Cook). You may feel free to provide any of these for your loving mother.

Five (More) Things That Will Instantly Make You a Better Cook

A Set Just for Cooking

Have you noticed that cooking shows are not set in real life? Someone builds a set just for cooking. The ovens are the right size, there are enough burners, there’s enough prep space, the pantry is perfectly stocked, and – most importantly – there are no small humans running through, grabbing a snack, and forgetting they once knew how to clean up.

There are no piles of bills, no papers that need to be attended to, no pots that have to get put away. There are no breakfast dishes, no half-filled glasses of water, no K-cups left 2 feet from the garbage.

I would definitely be a better cook (or at least look like one) if I had my own cooking set.

A Prep Cook

Have you noticed that the professionals don’t have to do their own prep work? Someone else washes the green beans, someone else chops the garlic and the onions (and does the onion crying off camera), someone else measures the spices into adorable little dishes.

Not only would this be a huge time saver, it would save me from running around the kitchen screaming, “Someone stir the sauce while I find the cumin!” because the cumin would be right there in its little dish ready to go. I also wouldn’t have to send Pi to the grocery store for an emergency brown sugar run, because we wouldn’t have emergencies like that. Someone would have figured out two days ago that we needed to stock up.

A Real Chef

The main thing that would make me a better cook is if I were a better cook. Or failing that, having a chef as a cooking double. So that rather than doing my own stunts in the kitchen (“Does anyone know where the fire extinguisher is???”), I could have a trained chef step in and manage everything (and by “manage everything” I mean cook). Then I’d have plenty of time to fiddle around doing things that wouldn’t get in the way (“Glass of wine while we watch the pro? Yes, please”). This would greatly improve the quality coming out of the kitchen while simultaneously minimizing the stress I put in the kitchen. Win all around.

A Clean Up Crew

Seems to me the best part of being a TV chef is having a crew come in afterward to clean up the dishes, the stove, the oven, the countertop, the floor, the walls, and anything else that needs fluffing and cleaning.

To be fair, I have the Puppy, but he focuses exclusively on floor level. He’s open to helping clean the higher level areas, but I am not.

I would definitely do more in the kitchen if I had a great clean up team.

Great Friends and Family to Share the Meal

They leave out the best part on some of the TV cooking shows. On some of the shows, there are just two people (or sometimes just the chef) tasting the food.

“Wow, I just made fab food. Let me taste it and tell you how great it is.”

Even I can do that. I can often even keep a straight face while I say something like that.

But really, the part that makes meals fun and fabulous is having great people sitting around sharing stories and food, talking and tippling, asking for seconds and trying something new.

And that part I can manage without professional intervention.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Happy New Year! And happy apples to celebrate the New Year.

Apples are members of the rose family. Unfortunately, handing your True Love a bouquet of apple blossoms doesn’t really have the same effect as sending a dozen roses. Or even a single rose.

There are over 8,000 varieties of apples, 2,500 of which are grown in the US.
Which is weird since only a small number of varieties are sold in your grocery store. This has a lot to do with grocery stores and shoppers and not so much to do with apple availability.

Apples ripen six to 10 times faster at room temperature than if they are refrigerated.

Apple varieties range in size from a little larger than a cherry to as large as a grapefruit. The largest apple ever picked weighed 3 pounds. As with so many things, I’m not sure that those at the extreme ends are fabulous.

A peck of apples weighs 10.5 pounds. A bushel of apples weighs about 42 pounds. Therefore, if I Love You a Bushel and a Peck of apples, a considerable percentage of my body goes toward loving. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Or a misrepresentation.

It takes about 36 apples to create one gallon of apple cider.

In Chinese, the word for apples is pronounced “ping” which also means peace. This is perhaps my favorite apple fact.

Thanks to their high levels of boron, apples can help improve your memory, mental alertness, and electrical activity of the brain. While apples don’t have a lot of calcium, their boron content helps strengthen bones. I think I might have to research boron.

Apples also contain malic acid, a chemical used in teeth whitening products, which helps dissolve stains.

Malusdomesticaphobia is the fear of apples. I have no idea why you would ever need to know that because apples are good things. And according to popular lore, they keep the medical professionals away. Mostly because you have shiny white teeth and strong bones from eating all those apples.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Not sure if you’ve got the latest Calendar Update, but September is Better Breakfast Month.

As you know, breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. (Except for brunch. I adore brunch. Brunch is mostly breakfast on steroids.) Breakfast is wonderful no matter what time of day it shows up.

I like breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast. Cold pizza at 8am is fabulous. Chocolate is good for breakfast. Pancakes are good for dinner.

I don’t know who invented Better Breakfast Month but I like them. One of the great things about Better Breakfast Month is it doesn’t come with a definition of “Better.”

There are some people (and by “people” I mean websites) that say that “better” means “healthy.” IMO, there is nothing at all wrong with a healthy breakfast. But there’s also nothing wrong with a completely unhealthy breakfast every now and then.

Skipping breakfast is a terrible idea. Breakfast the most important meal of the day (all 12 months). It gets your body and brain going. In college, it’s important to bring your brain with you; it helps if your brain is awake when you take it to class.

Coffee is a good start to breakfast (and lunch, and dinner, and the 3pm coffee break), but it is an insufficient way to launch the day. Getting going requires real food. Like oatmeal. Or leftover pizza.

Even when you’re running late (which is pretty much the definition of most days in college, yes?).

What is your favorite running-to-class breakfast?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It turns out there are advantages to being a college student. In addition to getting to study interesting things and making new friends and drinking too much coffee and doing cool clinicals and having all summer off and going to college sports events and having other people pay for your expenses.

Yeah. In addition to all that.

I think I might have to go back to college…

There are are companies interested in giving you discounts!

You, yes you. Right there. With a verifiable .edu email. And a student ID.

If you’re going to spend money, do it with a discount.

Here’s the link. Have a good time.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Reasonable people do not get up in the morning and think “I’ll go make a big mess in the kitchen this morning.” Most reasonable people get up in the morning and think “Coffee. Now.”

Most reasonable messes do not get up in the morning and say “Today is the day I will splatter myself on some unsuspecting soul’s kitchen.” Most reasonable messes get up in the morning and think “Coffee. Now.”

Because everyone is pursuing caffeine with a determined single-mindedness, things tend to work out ok.

Most of the time.

Because most of the time Distraction can’t be bothered to get up that early. Its alarm clock goes off, but rather than getting up, Distraction rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Most of the time.

Occasionally Distraction and a grumpy mess meet at the coffee maker. Distraction and the entire Mess side of the family don’t get on well under the best of circumstances. And pre-caffeine is not—by anyone’s definition—the best of circumstances.

When a Distraction and a grumpy mess meet pre-caffeine, there is a lot of elbowing. There is shoving. There is “Stop looking at me!” This can lead to coffee grounds falling in places where they won’t get turned into coffee.

If they aren’t told to Stop It NOW And I Mean It! and sent to their rooms to settle down, things can get downright ugly. And by “downright ugly” I mean someone might get thoroughly distracted and forget to put a coffee cup under the Keurig.

Do you know what happens when you forget to put a cup under the Keurig? Nothing if you forget to turn the Keurig on.

I didn’t forget that part.

Distraction and the mess are currently sitting in the corner snickering and refusing to help me clean up.

Hope your day is off to a good start.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If you think a “cicerone” is a type of Italian food, you clearly haven’t been watching enough Food TV.

This is a good thing since you are supposed to be studying things other than food. And, being the kind of mom I am, I am here to provide the small bits that are missing in your more formal education.

A Cicerone is a beer expert. Not just any beer expert. A tested and certified beer expert. Specifically one who has been tested and certified by the Cicerone Certifying People.

Although it sounds like an excellent Italian meal.

Becoming a Cicerone involves learning about beer and taking tests. If it were an Italian meal it would involve cheese and sauce.

Becoming a Master Cicerone involves more learning and more tests and blind taste tests. Only about 2 people per year qualify for Master Cicerone status.

Drinking slightly flat beer in college does not qualify one for Cicerone status.

It might however qualify one to eat Italian food.

Love, Mom