Dear Kid,

More than once, I have commented on the permanency and dangers of the internet (seriously – not erasable – no do-overs!).

More than once, I have commented on the joys and importance of coffee (seriously – pre-coffee conversation is risky at best).

Never before however have I felt the need to expose the steamy underside of the coffee world. (Get it? Steamy?)

The coffee cup world to be more precise.

Last night, I went to a meetup. It was the fabulous Cincinnati blogger meetup (yes, I’m a Geek). We gather about once a month to marvel over the joys of bloggership and learn fantastic geeky new tricks that mostly we never use.

Susan, our Hostess with the Mostest, provides snacks and beverages (adult and otherwise). Yay, Susan!

The phrase “Hostess with the Mostest” is originally from the show Call Me Madam and may (or may not) refer to Perle Mesta.

“Might there still be coffee in that carafe?” I asked, pointing.

“Possibly,” she said making a face, “but I doubt it’s still hot. You can microwave it.” And then, “the mugs are in the cabinet over your head…no, to the right…there you go. Just grab one.”

So I did and filled said mug.

The coffee was (surprisingly) warm and I drank it (unsurprisingly) happily.

After a minute, Susan looked over and started to giggle.

I was pretty sure I hadn’t (yet) spilled coffee on myself so I looked up questioningly.

“Um, I hate to tell you,” she said, “but there’s something on the bottom of your cup.”

“Huh?” I asked insightfully thinking to myself ‘I’m pretty sure I haven’t put the mug down in the cake frosting (yet).’

I lifted the mug to look.

Uh-huh.

I’m having a moment.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Sometimes people expect too much of me.

I was talking with a friend of mine who is something of a fitness junkie. She’s not an “expert” in the traditional sense of having obtained a certificate suitable for framing from some institution declaring her expertise. And she herself would deny that she’s an expert (she’s really quite modest). But she knows A Heck of A Lot about fitness.

“Bodies are made in the kitchen,” she said, telling me far more about her parents than I really needed to know, because I was simultaneously thinking “How uncomfortable” and “Don’t be ridiculous—brownies are made in the kitchen.”

Sensing that neither would be an appropriate comment, I kept my mouth shut.

“Bodies are sculpted in the gym,” she continued. I have got to figure out when she goes to the gym because somehow I keep missing the day my body is supposed to get sculpted.

Scuttled? Yes. Scuttlebutt? Sure, why not. Scurvy? I try not to. Scum? Ick. Scuba? Quite possibly. But sculpted? I seem to keep missing that one.

“It’s important to give your body what it needs,” she continued. My body NEEDS brownies. And coffee. And brownies with coffee.

“Are you getting enough sleep?” my friend asked me. Finally, something we can completely agree on: sleep is good. Naps are great.

Satisfied that I was well rested, she moved on.

“Snacks are good,” she said. Hooray! I love snacks. They are my fourth, fifth, sixth, and ninth favorite meals of the day. “You could have a couple of almonds.” As in a couple of cups of almonds? No? You mean eat 3 almonds. And then stop? Seriously? What planet is this woman from?

I voted to go back to the sleeping part of the conversation. I’m reasonably good at sleeping. I was ignored.

So not only is this the Summer of Cleaning (yeah, I have got to get back to that) it appears to be the Summer of Getting in Shape.

Right after my nap.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as winter. This distressed skiing enthusiasts but pleased everyone else since snowplows hadn’t been invented yet.

Meanwhile Demeter, the goddess of the harvest, wandered around the earth wearing flimsy gauze dresses and making the crops grow. Somewhere along the line, she and Zeus had a daughter named Persephone.

Persephone was lovely and Hades, the god of the underworld noticed. Hades invited Persephone to leave the lovely topsoil and dwell (and by “dwell” I mean dwell) with him in the underworld.

Persephone said thanks but no thanks. You remember that gods don’t like being told no, right? Hades lifted an eyebrow and said, “No?”

Persephone raised both eyebrows and repeated herself. Hades frowned, picked Persephone up, threw her over his shoulder, and took her back to the underworld.

Persephone was not happy. Demeter (her mother) was even less happy. Demeter raged, she ranted, and then she went into a full-fledged funk.

Have you ever seen a goddess funk? Not pretty. And when Demeter funked, the whole world funked with her. Plants turned brown, crops withered, and people went hungry.

Now Zeus was pretty good at ignoring things he didn’t care about, but with the whole world hungry sacrifices to the gods weren’t being made and that got his attention.

Zeus went to talk sense into Hades (and by “sense” I mean tried to talk him into giving Persephone back). Hades refused. They argued. Finally, they consulted the rule book.

According to the Rules, if a person eats while in the underworld, they are stuck there forever (keep that in mind during your travels).

They quickly scoured the various meals Persephone had refused to eat—and discovered that she had eaten exactly 6 pomegranate seeds. (Hey—sometimes a girl has to snack.)

Zeus therefore decreed (being the chief number one honcho god he got to do the decreeing) that Persephone would be returned to her mother for 6 months of the year, but for the other six (one for each aril) she would have to return to Hades and the underworld.

Therefore, for six months of the year the earth is warm and happy. Plants bloom and crops are bountiful while Demeter is happy having her daughter at home. The other six months, Persephone returns to the underworld and Demeter returns to her snit. The earth is cold and barren. You might think Demeter would have gotten over it by now, but you’d be wrong.

It’s a mom thing.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s National Wine Day.

I can’t believe it’s taken this long to get here, and I – What? Not National Whine Day? Oh. Dang.

National Wine Day is (duh) a great way to celebrate the grape. Preferably fermented.

So a Wine Drinking Lesson seems in order.

1.

The first step is acquiring wine. Sometimes this is as easy as going to your parents’ refrigerator and borrowing a bottle. Sometimes it involves asking a waiter to kindly bring you a glass. Occasionally it involves going to a store and making a purchase. In the best of all possible cases, it means several friends each brought some wine to your place.

2.

Once you have acquired said vino, store it properly. Most of the time that means in a wine glass. Occasionally it means white wine in the frig, red wine on the counter.

3.

Remember the importance of glasses? Of course you do. The most important thing for college students to know about the right wine glass is to find one that isn’t chipped. For the rest of the world, red wine glasses are generally larger than white wine glasses (the better to allow the red wine to oxidize).

4.

Sniff the wine to enjoy the aroma and prepare the palate. Do not sniff like you’re trying to find a dead rat. Especially if no one else in your crowd is a sophisticated wine drinker.

5.

Take a sip. Take a swallow. Nod sagely. Do not smack your lips. Do not chug your mug. Take another sip. Try a delicate bite of cheese. Sip. Nod. Nibble. Sip. Sip. Aw, heck, drink.

6.

Refill. Try another kind of wine because no one brought the same kind to the party.

7.

It is important to store any leftover wine properly. Leftover wine. That’s funny, right?

Happy National Wine Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In honor of graduation (yep, it’s today), we search Pinterest (and by “we” I mean Pi) for inspiring graduation ideas.

She decided we would make chocolate Reese’s mortar boards.

So Grandma and Grandpa peeled wrappers from about a million mini Reese’s cups, and you and I set up our assembly shop to manufacture create put together said hats. To be fair, Pi made the first one to show us how (followed immediately by Pi eating the first one).

In other news, the sheer volume of sugar in our house right now could send an entire country (a small one, but still) into diabetic shock.

Congrats (or Congrads) to all the graduates.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Last night we had dinner at Brown Dog Café (one word: de-li-shus) at their new location in Summit Park.

Being there raised questions about Summit Park which I was embarrassingly unable to answer. So I turned to My Friend the Internet, and am now pleased to provide you with the following information about the latest in Blue Ash projects.

The park is being designed to promote 5 kinds of experiences:

1. Environment and land preservation. Three cheers and a heart-felt plug for Ohio River Foundation for helping make sure this goes in the right direction.
2. Community celebrations. Like our famous Red, White, and Blue Ash and the Taste of Blue Ash.
3. Educational experiences and programming. Remember the Paws in the Park event. That was educational and an experience.
4. Wellness opportunities. There are yoga classes there. I haven’t been although I’d like to someday. There are also CrossFit classes which I’m going to pretend that I’d like to get to someday. There is also a Farmer’s Market that I really am going to try to figure out how to get to, but mid-day and early evening mid-week is not prime grocery time for me.
5. Like some of the big concerts that used to be in other parts of the city. And a dog park for the four-legged among us.

I’m not entirely sure where dinner falls in that list. It was delicious, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t health food per se.

I tried to find out more about how they named it, but if there’s info on that they’re hiding it. They are continuing to build out the park and I for one am very excited about it.

Love, Mom