Dear Kid,

It’s winter.

I know this because the temperature inside our house is negative 6 zillion.

It’s not nearly that cold outside, but somehow our house has the ability to exaggerate temperature. I have no idea where it learned how to exaggerate, since no one who lives here would ever, ever consider even the slightest overstatement.

Think our thermometer can’t register that low? You’re probably right. Perhaps it’s only 4 zillion below zero. Once you get to a certain point, cold is just cold.

I am writing this from underneath 4 blankets and a dog, and I’m drinking a cup of tea. (“Not coffee?” No, it’s a tea sort of night.) The tea is nice and warm. The dog is nice and warm, but not really large enough to share a great deal of warmth. On the plus side, he’s snoring, which is adorable and warms my heart.

Back to tea.

You’ve heard the phrase “I wouldn’t do that for all the tea in China”? Apparently it’s a phrase that is no longer in general usage, but that will not (of course) stop me from asking My Friend the Internet to explain exactly how much “all the tea in China” actually is.

According to Wired, China produces 855,190 metric tons of tea leaf annually. If you’re more concerned about the value rather than the tonnage, Wired figures that is about $1,590,653,400. So basically more than you’re ever going to make in year. Ever. (I have no idea when Wired calculated that, but even if prices have gone down it’s still more than you’ll earn in a year.)

One might not do something for all the tea in China, and right now I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get warm with all the tea in China.

I have no idea how I’m going to survive when actual cold weather gets here.

In the meantime, I’m going to find mittens. And start a small fire right here in my blanket-fort.

Love, Mom