Dear Kid,

You may not have noticed, but there is a great deal of confusion in the world today.

I will leave it to others (and by “others” I mean not me) to attempt to unconfused the little problems like global warming, pollution, and why there are no good TV shows on Friday night.

I want to tackle the big confusion of the day. The pressing problem that leaves people scratching their heads and stroking their beards (the ones left over from November and Thank Goodness most of those have been shaved off).

So without further ado, here are Some A Bunch Count ‘Em Yourself Several Ways to Tell the Difference Between College Students and Cows.

Most people think that cows have four stomachs. That’s actually not true. They have just one stomach with four chambers. College students also only have one stomach. They just eat enough to fill four.

Moos aren’t the only sound cows make! Calves make a sound called bawling, while bulls bellow. College students make a lot of different sounds, some of which are even slightly more intelligible than bawling or bellowing.

Cows can live more than 20 years. Sometimes college students feel they age 20 years during finals week.

The average domestic cow sleeps only about four hours a day. The average college students only sleeps about four hours a day during exams. At all other times, the average college student is awake only about four hours a day.

Cows can walk up a flight of stairs, but once there, they can’t walk back down. Their knees just don’t bend the right way. Under certain circumstances, the same can be said for college students. Cows end up stuck. College students usually solve the problem by falling down the stairs.

Cows can’t vomit. College students can. And frequently prove it.

The typical cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day. Don’t ask me to explain this one as I’ve never seen a cow sit. I have seen college students sit.

An average dairy cow weighs about 1,200 pounds, the same as an average college linebacker.

The average cow drinks 30 to 50 gallons of water each day. This is more than most college students guzzle. Of any beverage.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

As a reminder, you already know Udderly Weird Facts About Cows

Dear Kid,

There is no letter today (except the letter “Q” brought to you by Sesame Street).

Last night was taken up with

1. Making dinner
2. Helping Pi study for her accounting exam
3. Snuggling the Puppy

And dessert. There was excellent dessert.

And a soccer game. With a surprising upset. (Sorry. I won’t talk about that.)

And a little bit of late night TV. With a commercial (for cars, but don’t ask which one because I don’t remember) that used “winter” as a verb. As in, “Get ready to winter.”

Doesn’t that sound like something out of a romance novel? “Lord and Lady Beauford felt it was their duty to winter at their country estate, near the river where Beaufords had held property for 17 generations.”

Who knew you could use “to winter” in a modern car commercial? Clearly not someone who has eaten too much dessert and helped a child construct a fictional balance sheet and income statement. (Don’t even pretend that “U. O. Mee Industries” is a real company. And yes, we put that entry under accounts payable.)

Have a great day, sweetie.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Some days writing a blog is easy. Words fly into the computer at light speed and land with the grace of a gazelle in the right order.

Some days writing a blog is more difficult. Words stumble around like a drunken baby giraffe before collapsing in a more or less understandable (albeit graceless) order.

And some days writing a blog is basically impossible. As I stare into the Pit of Words, billions of letters (not all of them from the same language) stare back in unrecognizable order, mocking me, making obscene gestures at the deadline, and showering my screen with despair.

Which means that writing a blog is exactly like studying for finals (as long as by “exactly” you mean not at all).

Guess which category today’s blog falls into?

If you like, you can also guess how many blogs I’ve started only to discover that they either don’t go anywhere or they go someplace highly unsavory. (A blog about migraines seemed like a good idea when I started it….)

I’d like to blame it on my chipped nail polish. But not even my twisted brain can figure out a way to make that logic work (suggestions welcome).

Do you know the proper way to deal with chipped nail polish? You take all your nail polish off and repaint your nails. With lots of drying time.

Do you know what I’m doing? Not that.

I’m painting in the chips, hoping that Dad won’t notice the smell of nail polish and that I don’t smudge them while I type. Probably zero. Of both.

Yet hope springs eternail (sic).

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You’d think we (and by “we” I mean human beings in general) would learn.

Well, you might think that.

And to a small extent you’d be correct. Hopefully, you are learning a great deal (see my thoughts on college students studying if you’re not clear about what I’m implying).

But as a species, we really aren’t that bright.

We’re smarter than most mud, but only barely as the Darwin Awards so beautifully illustrate every year.

Evolution is slow. Cars are fast. It’s not necessarily a good combination.

September 10, 1897, a London taxi driver with the generic sounding name George Smith was drinking. My Friend The Internet (in the one article I so thoroughly researched) did not specify what he was drinking, so I’ll assume he stopped by the pub for a quick pint with his buddies. As so often happens, one thing led to another, in this case “one thing” being a pint and “another” being another pint (or 12).

George then thought it would be a brilliant idea to drive off. In point of fact, he did drive off—right off the road and into a building. This marked the first time someone was arrested for drunk driving.

It did not mark the last.

The first device to measure drunken-ness was Mrs. P.J. Zonker of Roanoke, Virginia. Mrs. Zonker could tell at 1,000 paces if Mr. P.J. Zonker had even been thinking about drinking. Mrs. P.J. Zonker came from a long line of women who were able to identify a whole raft of impure thoughts and breaths. But since Mrs. P.J. was the first to write about it in her diary, she’s the one who gets the credit.

Some amount of time later (and by “some amount of time” I mean in 1936), Dr. Rolla Harger invented the Drunkometer (I kid you not) which was the forerunner of the Breathalyzer (which Harger later co-invented). The way a Breathalyzer works is by measuring the alcohol vapors in a person’s breath which is an indication of the amount of alcohol in their blood. Too much alcohol and the Breathalyzer bings! Once it bings! a series of events occurs starting with handcuffs and ending with jail time, a suspended license, and the insurance companies rubbing their GLPs (greedy little paws) together in glee. This is NOTHING compared to what your parents will do.

Do not drink and drive. Do not drink and even think of driving. Do not breathe and think of getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking anything stronger than apple juice.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As you probably know, I think studying (especially for a College Kid) is important.

As you may or may not know, I adore the company Epipheo. I think they are positively genius at explaining complex things in a way people most of us a monkey I can understand.

Imagine my delight when I discovered one of their videos (yes, I should have been sleeping, but this is Epipheo) that talked about studying. Well, it talks about learning and sounds kind of like Dad (“Put down your communication device!”) but it’s fun and they’re right.

So pull up a small moment and watch the video. Extra points if you tell me the one word in this short video that made me smile the most (and unlike most of my posts, the answer is not at the end, so you’ll actually have to think. But I’m guessing you’ll get it.).

So what is your plan for a little down-time today? And did you figure out my favorite word?

Love, Mom