Dear Kid,

Speaking of Olympic sports (I’m sure I was at some point), I’ve been watching some of the swimming trials.

And it occurs to me that there is an event missing.

Not the women’s 1500, although that’s clearly missing and anyone who thinks women can’t handle endurance events is clearly off his rocker. (Not saying I could do it, but there are women who can. And they should be allowed to do it in the Olympics.)

Nor am I talking about the obvious misses like the 100 meter doggy paddle (with real dogs) or jellyfish relay (in which swimmers must dodge Portuguese Man O War jellyfish during their event).

No. I am (of course) referring to synchronized swimming.

Now before you get all futzed at me, I know there is an event called “synchronized swimming.” And I know it is crazy difficult and highly competitive and it’s beautiful to watch even if Esther Williams isn’t participating. But – let’s be honest here – it’s water ballet, not swimming.

I’m not downgrading the sport we currently call synchronized swimming. I just think we should rename it and add an event called sychro-swim.

Each delegation will enter two swimmers who must—simultaneously and in unison—complete two laps of the pool. Entering and existing the water will be included in the judging.

Synchro-swim will be scored using a very technical and difficult algorithm (the better to give commentators something to comment on and delegations something to protest, thereby ensuring that we capture the true Olympic spirit). The event will be scored 50% on speed and 50% on synchronicity and 10% on how good breakfast was. Subjective scoring will be done using a binomial theorem and a base 9 metric incorporating the median variation and hippopotamus.

No idea what that means either, but the commentators will have a field day.

I can’t believe the Olympic committee hasn’t yet called me to consult on this.

Crazy how people can miss the obvious.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, when the modern Olympics were in their infancy, the games were not nearly as regulated as they are now (except for the bathrooms, which apparently are still fairly unregulated). In those days, hosting nations were free to make up invent include some lesser known sports in the competition (this is true).

• In 1896 there was an event (100 meter freestyle swimming) that was only open to members of the Greek navy. That level of specificity may be going a bit too far but the Greek navy participants seemed pretty happy about it. All three of them who entered the race anyway.

• This was followed in 1900 by the Swimming Obstacle Race. Competitors had to climb over a pole, get over a row of boats, then swim under another row of boats. While this now reeks of various made-for-TV competitions, I think this is the type of event that would be a marvelous addition to Olympic fun. And I wouldn’t even need a commentator to explain it to me.

• That year the Tug of War also made its Olympic debut. It was so popular they kept it in the games for 5 Olympics, but they changed the rules each time (just for fun and international controversy). Again, a winner in my opinion.

It seems to me that random events like these would add a great deal of fun and surprise to the games and I am considering starting a petition to bring back the events that would only be interesting once every four years. Kind of like curling, but without even that much practice. Being the kind of mom I am, I have thoughtfully come up with a few options for the IOC to add to the next Winter Olympics.

Snowman building competition. (Apologies to anyone who is offended by “snowman”. It seemed like a better use of language than “snowbeing”.) This will be a timed event (3 hour limit) judged (by a group of extremely knowledgeable kindergarteners) based on size, design, use of snow, and snacks served to the judges.

Obstacle speed skating. This long track style race includes slightly tipsy spectators on the ice (in skates) who are simultaneously competing for Best All Around Amateur skater.

Skate jumping. Not like the pairs kind. More of a combo of snow cross and speed skating. Cool, huh?

Cross Country tug of war. Teams compete elimination style in a tug of war with all competitors on classic cross country skis.

Ski Dancing. Either cross country or freestyle skis. Any combination of two skiers allows (HA, Mr. Putin). Future sports to include snowboard dancing.

Driveway shoveling. Open only those who hand-shovel. Style points for tossing snow and grumbling about the polar vortex. The Americans from the Northeast are heavily favored given their expertise with the white stuff.

Polar Bear Plunge. This is popular enough to make it official. We could add interest by including real polar bears. Hungry ones.

What are your ideas for new Olympic sports?

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

The good news: As reported previously, John Oliver is indeed going to have his own show. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It won’t be on Comedy Central. It will be on HBO.

The bad news: We don’t get HBO. And I assume you won’t be getting HBO at college either.

One word: YouTube

~~

The good news: We got the new internet box working. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It took 432 hours.

The bad news: We will have to change it out again at some point.

One word: Technology

~~

The good news: The International Olympic Committee has created a $10 Million anti-doping fund to monitor athletes and work with law enforcement agencies. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It’s not at all clear when the changes will go into effect but it won’t be in time for Sochi.

The bad news: The IOC has to have another meeting to finalize this new direction. Poor babies.

One word: It’s-about-time

~~

The good news: You’re home from college for a month. Huzzah!

The not so good news: So are 90% of your belongings.

The bad news: All your stuff is in the dining room.

One word: Kitchen-table

~~

The good news: It’s a bright, sunny day. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It’s 22 degrees. Brrrr.

The bad news: It’s supposed to start snowing later.

One word: Weather-wimp

Love, Mom