Posts Tagged "football"

StinkyBoySweat and Implications for the Fragrance Industry

Dear Kid,

There is a reason not one single solitary fragrance manufacturer has ever (emphasis on EVER) thought about introducing StinkyBoySweat as the Scent of the Season.

They’ve used vanilla, bergamot, ylang ylang, wild orange, and a host of other things tantalizing to the nose. But not StinkyBoySweat.

In fact, the IFRA (the International Fragrance Association – there really is such a thing) does not even list StinkyBoySweat on its ingredient list (I checked).

the IFRA (the International Fragrance Association – really there is such a thing) does not list StinkyBoySweat on its ingredient list. Take a shower. DearKidLoveMom.comWhen you look up StinkyBoySweat, you find that its chemical ingredients include snips and snails and puppydog tails (extra points if you get the reference) with a skull and crossbones and rotting football next to the description. And a warning in big, bold, blue letters which reads: Do not allow to come into contact with skin, clothing, small mammals, or (for that matter) any living thing. May singe nose hairs. Will paralyze sense of smell for up to 18 hours. May cause you to wish your sense of smell gone forever. Side effects include loss of friends, loss of hair, and loss of consciousness.

Pi and I went to the gym yesterday. When we went over to the mats, my nose rebelled.

Me: I smell StinkyBoySweat.
Pi: I don’t smell anything.
Me: It’s definitely StinkyBoySweat.
Pi: You haven’t smelled StinkyBoySweat until you’ve been in a football huddle.

I had to concede that one. I’ve walked by hordes of football players after a game and almost passed out.

I’ve had unwashed hockey players in my car (the cost of fumigation was more than your college tuition), but apparently more is more when it comes to BoyStink.

I don’t know where rugby ranks on the Stank Scale.

What I do know is that all those who work with people dripping with StinkyBoySweat have much stronger internal fortitude than I do. Or perhaps a less developed sense of smell.

Thank heaven for soap and showers.

Love, Mom



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Rugby: Here’s What You Don’t Know About the Game

Dear Kid,

Guess what I did this past weekend? I went to a college rugby game.

I was (of course) there to see my favorite future athletic trainer work the game.

I particularly wanted to see something spectacularly colorful but ultimately insignificant happen so that I’d know the Kid was learning something. (This led to my friend saying, “Enjoy the rugby game. I hope someone gets hurt.”)

I don’t know why, but that reminds me of this:

It was snowing, windy, and about 28 degrees, so I was quite happy to find a parking space right near the end of the field from whence I could watch the game in relative comfort.

I may have witnessed the least injury-filled rugby game in the history of rugby.

No one understands rugby because it was (we think) invented in England where they have a history of creating sports no one understands (looking at you, Cricket). We know that rugby can be played with either 7 players on a side or 15 players on a side (although typically not at the same time) and that the traditional striped rugby shirt was very popular in the 70s. A game without mud is considered a failure and a game without injuries is considered unsporting. A game without alcohol immediately afterward is nonexistent.

Oh sure, there was mud. And yelling. And several dudes getting up from the bottoms of various piles looking a bit dazed. And Our Boys won, so yay.

Rugby shirts were really popular for a while in the '80s. Then we got over it. DearKidLoveMom.comBut there weren’t any interesting injuries. There weren’t even any uninteresting injuries. The highly developed medical assistance skills waiting on the side in of the field in the cold were not called upon.

Until about 5 minutes before the end of the game when one of the other team’s players went down with a splat and didn’t immediately bounce back up. (Fact: Rugby players may be big, but they are very Tigger-like in their bouncability.) After another moment or two, I thought “Oh good. I’ll see the Kid in action.”

Just as I thought that, the player got to his feet and lumbered off the field, and I thought, “Oh good. I’ll see the Kid in action on the sidelines.”

Do you know what an injured ruby player does? He does not head over to the athletic trainer’s table for assistance, oh no. He decides to walk it off. When that fails, he sits down. When that doesn’t help any more than the walking, he shrugs, gets up, takes his rugby shoes to the car, turns to his cell phone, and begins to take selfies.

When the athletic trainer (aka the Kid) brings him a Helpful Bag of Ice, do you know what he does? He takes the bag politely, thanks the Kid, places the ice bag on his injured knee (while standing) for 1.387 seconds, then stands there holding it (not anywhere near the injury) cheering on his team to defeat, all the while thinking that it will be much easier to deal with the pain (and the defeat) as soon as he’s drunk. (Probably also hoping that the team will finish quickly so he can begin that medical journey as soon as possible.)

Rugby. A game without mud is considered a failure. A game without injuries is considered unsporting. And a game without alcohol immediately afterward is nonexistent.

So that’s what I saw. The Kid delivering ice. But very well-qualified and well-bagged ice.

Note: Turns out there was also a pretty significant nosebleed that required nose plugs, but I didn’t know about that until much later.

Love, Mom

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Prop Bets for Super Bowl 50 (And What You Should Do About Them)

Dear Kid,

It's all you little football. Well, you and the commercials. Happy Super Bowl! DearKidLoveMom.comIt’s Super Bowl Sunday (which is almost as good as Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day but with better TV coverage). Not only are the traditional bets in play (who will win, who will lose, who will come out on top in the office square betting), but prop bets are going crazy.

You remember about Prop Bets right? They are the fabulously funky bets about everything other than the score of the game. Here are some of my faves available this year.

Note: You are a college student without lots of excess cash. All your bets should be for things like who washes the dishes after dinner, who takes out the trash this week, or other non-monetary consequences.

The second best prop bet for this year is how many times “dab” or “dabbing” will be said by announcers during the broadcast. Yes, I know what dabbing is (read here if you don’t) because I am twelve kinds of cool and I looked it up weeks ago. I don’t intend to count, but the betting is over two or under two and it’s hard to imagine they’ll say it less than twice. (NOTE: Halftime doesn’t count.)

The best prop bet for this year is whether “Left Shark” will make an appearance during halftime. You can also bet on which song Cold Play will play first (but not whether they’ll be cold), and what color shoes Beyoncé will be wearing.

Peyton Manning things you can bet on include whether he’ll announce his retirement in the post-game interview, whether he’ll throw a pick 6, and if he’ll be seen crying at any point during the broadcast.

Speaking of post-game interviews, you can bet on who the Super Bowl MVP will mention first (God, team, city/fans, coach, family, or something else).

You can place bets on a zillion things related to the coin toss, three zillion things related to kickers and punters, and five zillion things related to when scoring happens.

You can bet on whether Cam Newton will break the Super Bowl record for must rushing yards by a QB (see “dabbing” above).

You can—I swear I am not making this up—bet on the exact outcome of who wins the Super Bowl AND who wins the presidential election. You can bet on the Carolina Panthers winning the Super Bowl and the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA title. You can bet on whether the goals in the Montreal/Carolina NHL game February 7th will be higher than the total number of receptions by Greg Olsen, and whether the Arsenal goals February 7 will be higher than the number of Peyton Manning TD passes.

You can bet about whether Mike Carey will be wrong about a challenge, whether there will be an earthquake during the game, and how long the national anthem will be.

You cannot—as far as I know—bet on whether your mother will stay awake to watch the entire game or what commercial people will be talking about tomorrow.

Happy Super Bowl.

Love, Mom


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How to Solve the NFL Behavior Issue (Best Idea Ever)

Dear Kid,

I’m so proud to be from Cincinnati. And a Cincinnati Bengals fan.


I’m still a fan of the Bengals. But the whole professional behavior thing has to be addressed.

Clearly, the Bengals aren’t the only team demonstrating unacceptable behavior recently. I understand when celebrities and pro athletes say they should be left alone. They just want to do their jobs (act, sing, score touchdowns) without being judged on their off-field/off-screen behavior. Except, um, no. You’re in a profession which puts you in the spotlight, you are a role model whether you originally intended to be or not, and ergo paparazzi. Behave yourself, be boringly normal, and people will leave you alone.

As I said, I understand (even if I don’t agree with) the desire to be left alone outside the work environment.

Recent, er, displays, however, have been on-field. During important games.

Something must be done.

I have put a great deal of thought into the whole professional athlete debacle and I am delighted to announce that I have figured out how to solve the problem.

Pro sports teams need moms.

I am not joking.

When your mom is watching you, you behave better. Assuming you have a good mom who is involved in your life, anyway. And if the team doesn’t have the right mom, I’ve decided the league should provide them.

Consider the Campbell’s Soup commercials with that the football player (I’m sure you know who I’m talking about) and his mom. He loves Mom, he respects Mom, and he has never been involved with the kind of nonsense we’re seeing both on and off the field from other players.

Point proven.

Love, Mom

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Weird Thanksgiving Food, Pizza, and Talking Turkeys

Dear Kid,

Because we’re a crazy sort of couple, Dad and I stayed home and watched Free Birds a few nights ago. Very cute movie. The basic premise is that a couple of turkeys travel back in time to the first Thanksgiving to make sure turkey is not on the menu.

Let's grab a slice (or two) of pizza. DearKidLoveMom.comAfter a series of adventures, the turkeys win and deliver pizza from the future to the first Pilgrim feast.

Which started me thinking about odd Thanksgiving food (you thought I was going to wonder about talking turkeys, didn’t you?).

I understand that many people feel strongly about Thanksgiving and its associated traditions. I’m all for tradition, but I like the idea of contemplating something new. And since “new” and “food” go together beautifully in my world, I turned to my good Friend the Internet for inspiration.

Let me tell you, there are a lot of weird ideas about weird Thanksgiving food out there. There are some things that sounded interesting and (duh) some things that sounded downright wrong. Like turkey gravy cupcakes.

Let me be really clear: savory cupcakes are great if you like that sort of thing, but gravy does not belong in a cupcake. Not now. Not ever. Because I said so. (Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down as a mom.)

Also the Thanksgiving Dinner Cake sounds like a bad idea. The basic recipe is turkey meatloaf which you bake in round pans and use as the “cake”; stuffing for the “icing” between the layers of meatloaf; regular mashed potatoes as “icing” on the sides of the cake; sweet potatoes as the “icing” on the top of the cake; and (of course) mini marshmallows on top of the sweet potato layer. Actually, this sounds like a great idea for dealing with leftovers if you have children under 10.

On the other hand, the idea of Thanksgiving sushi rolls sounds really good. A little turkey, a little sweet potato, a bit of cranberry, and a bit of love all rolled up in a rice and cut sushi-style. How bad could it be?

Apple cider mimosas sound like an idea worth trying. As does doing something with butternut squash. Don’t know where we’d fit another side dish, but I like the idea.

I found a recipe for soft pretzel stuffing which sounds like a great idea because the bread won’t get mushy.

What do you think about pumpkin cornbread served warm with honey? I think YUM.

The photo of stuffed Brussel sprouts (like stuffed mushrooms only greener) almost makes me believe these little babies are low cal and healthy. (I’m pretty sure it’s a rule that you can’t do healthy on Thanksgiving).

I did not find anyone suggesting salmon (although I think that would be a great Thanksgiving food). Nor did I find any suggestions for pizza. Pizza makes a lot of sense since the national religion of Thanksgiving is overeating and football.

Maybe the turkeys got it right after all.

Love, Mom

The turkeys shared pizza. You can share DearKidLoveMom.


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