Dear Kid,

I’ve decided this is the Summer of Cleaning, not to be confused with the Fall of Cleaning, the Winter of Cleaning, the Moment of Cleaning, Spring Cleaning, the Ultimate Month of Cleaning, or my twice annual teeth cleaning (all of which were colossal failures except the dental visits).

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~Erma Bombeck

But Dad and I have decided to methodically tackle some of the worst parts of the house. We’re determined to at least slow the territorial expansion of the Dust Dragons.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ~Phyllis Diller

My original idea was to somehow figure out how to get the house clean while I was sleeping (think Roomba on steroids) but I don’t know how to invent that and I have yet to figure out how to get elves to do the work.

It would be great if you and Pi were going to be here to help with the Great Clean Out, but since you’re going to be away most of the summer, I’ve invented a new protocol: Virtual Cleaning.

I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. ~Roseanne Barr

Here’s how Virtual Cleaning works (I tried it yesterday). When I come across something I have questions about I take a photo, send it to the child in question, and request a disposition decision.

Yesterday, Dad and I donned hazmat gear and attacked the laundry room.

I now know why this room is often referred to as a mud room.

Text to Pi: Three pairs of boots. Which ones stay?
Text reply: Black ones stay. Dots dead.

And with that, the black boots went to the garbage. Easy peasy, or at least that’s what I thought.

Virtual Cleaning (It's better in Virtual Reality). DearKidLoveMom.comMy idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. ~Erma Bombeck

Me: These go in the garbage.
Dad: But we might be able to use them for something.
Me: We can use them to keep the garbage collectors employed for another week.
Dad: We can’t throw them away!
Me: We can.
Dad: Someone can wear them.
Me: They’re too small for anyone here.
Dad: We can give them to Goodwill.
Me: They have huge holes.
Dad: We can fix them!
Me: Garbage!
Puppy: Did you say we can go for a walk?

See how easy this is going to be?

Love, Mom