Dear Kid,

If you think a “cicerone” is a type of Italian food, you clearly haven’t been watching enough Food TV.

This is a good thing since you are supposed to be studying things other than food. And, being the kind of mom I am, I am here to provide the small bits that are missing in your more formal education.

A Cicerone is a beer expert. Not just any beer expert. A tested and certified beer expert. Specifically one who has been tested and certified by the Cicerone Certifying People.

Although it sounds like an excellent Italian meal.

Becoming a Cicerone involves learning about beer and taking tests. If it were an Italian meal it would involve cheese and sauce.

Becoming a Master Cicerone involves more learning and more tests and blind taste tests. Only about 2 people per year qualify for Master Cicerone status.

Drinking slightly flat beer in college does not qualify one for Cicerone status.

It might however qualify one to eat Italian food.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There are some things you should look at very carefully. Science experiments and legal documents come to mind. And there are some things you should not look at too carefully because the answer might terrify you. Exact ingredients in fast food comes to mind. And there are some things you shouldn’t look at too carefully because details get in the way of enjoyment. The four-course dinner at The Melting Pot comes to mind.

We recently visited The Melting Pot for dinner. It was fabulous and I may never recover. Not only was the company lovely, the food was delicious. If you care to revisit the meal, you have but to look at my hips, because that’s where it is all hanging out. I checked, and the caloric total for our dinner was 4 trillion b’zillion quadrillion calories. Per person.

This translates to roughly doubling my weight in one meal. Dad ate more than I did and will not have gained an ounce. You ate more than Dad and probably lost weight during the meal. I couldn’t eat breakfast the next morning (still too full), spent 6 hours on the elliptical, and (I think) burned off the salad (Caesar salad without dressing). You on the other hand slept soundly and barely had enough fuel left to make it downstairs for a 9 course breakfast. Metabolism can be so unfair.

I’m not sure what was going on with Pi because she was having a blonde night and that child has almost black hair. She was almost as funny as I am, but she wasn’t trying most of the time. Especially when Jim (The World’s Greatest Server) was adding graham crackers to the s’mores fondue and she asked if he was adding bark (not willow bark because she didn’t know about that). I don’t think any of us have figured out what she was talking about, but we almost fell off our chairs laughing.

It really was an excellent meal.

Love, Mom