Dear Kid,

It’s Opening Day in Cincinnati.

Cincinnati Reds Major League Baseball I will never be able to mow my lawn in such great patterns

It’s the day everyone most people many people turn from normal humans into Raving Reds Fans.

Many businesses close in celebration of Opening Day. In companies that don’t close, many people become afflicted with a mysterious 24 hour illness. (The less virulent variety attacks just after lunch. Did I mention that the game starts at 4:10p?)

Pi in the baseball mitt chair

To be prepared for Opening Day, you need to know several things.

First there is the parade. (Translation: The streets downtown are going to be the very definition of awful.) If you’re going to the parade, you should be there already. If you’re not going to the parade or the game, avoid downtown if you possibly can. If you have to go anywhere near downtown, I suggest either parachuting in or teleportation.

Then there’s the Opening Day Game. It’s baseball. I’ll leave it to people who spend more time than I do watching baseball to comment on the game.

Then, because magic sometimes happens, sports enthusiasts get to watch the Final Game of March Madness (even though we’re in April).
Who knew basketball hoops grew on trees?

And because the game starts at 9:20pm (WHO STARTS MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS THAT LATE????), I’m guessing many people will not be early to work on Tuesday.

Love, Mom