Dear Kid,

Puppy: Mom. Pssst, Mom.
Me: Hmmm?
Puppy: Don’t look now, but we have company
Me: Huh?
Puppy: I said don’t look! There is Someone Here
Me: I haven’t had coffee yet. Go chew on a toy.
Puppy: PSSSSST! We have A Visitor
Me: Ok, what are you talking about?
Puppy: Look!
Me: The floor moved! Where are my glasses…..you found a cricket. In. The. House.
Puppy: Yes! Yes! Yes! I am such a good boy!!!
Me: Crickets don’t belong in the house
Puppy: I didn’t bring it in. I just found it. Can I keep it? Can I? Please?
Me: Wildlife belongs in the wild. Not inside.
Puppy: Can I keep it? It’s my new best friend
Me: Put the cricket down!
Puppy: Buh I wuv him
Me: Don’t talk with your mouth full. Put the cricket down
Puppy: Let’s play
Me: You may have drowned him
Puppy: Let’s play!
Me: I don’t think he’s moving
Puppy: Let’s- WOW!
Me: He moved. Not yet drowned in love
Puppy: Where did he go? Let’s go find him! Hunt! Sniff! Search!
Me: I think I’ll leave that to you.
Puppy: This is Very Important
Me: So is caffeine
Puppy: Can I have some?
Me: No
Puppy: Then I’ll search for my best friend. I’ll sniff everywhere! I’ll find him! I’ll rescue him! I’ll….Mom?
Me: Hmmm?
Puppy: What am I looking for?
Me: Oh, sweetie. Let’s go for a walk, ok?
Puppy: I love walks! Let’s go for a walk! And then breakfast, right?
Me: And then breakfast
Puppy: YAY! Mornings with breakfast are Wonderful! They are my favorite! They are the best! Let’s go!

Somewhere in the house, there is a cricket. Or possibly the remains of a cricket. Or possibly the cricket has escaped. I’ll keep you posted.

Love, Mom

For more puppy conversations see Puppy Conversations and Food Observations, Spring Puppy Conversations, New Puppy Conversations, Winter WonderPuppy | Baby It’s Cold Outside, Puppy Conversations Translated for the College Kid, Puppy Conversations and FIFA World Cup Soccer, Puppy Conversations and the Joy of Quirkiness, Puppy Conversations| In the Beginning, Puppy Conversations | What’s In a Name?, Puppy Conversations | Puppy Plans a Party, Puppy Speaks Foreign Languages…Sort Of, Summer Puppy Conversations | Speaking of Hope, National Dog Day | Puppy Has His Say, and Puppy Conversations | Completely In Love with Tal

Dear Kid,

We’ve already established that you are a Deprived Child. While you got lots of love, plenty of food (a rare feat for a teenage boy), a bed of your very own, and enough nagging to prove we love you, you did not get all the physical trappings available to a person alive in the 21st century.

You did not get a new phone every 6 months (in fact, it was a long time before you got a phone at all). You did not get a car when you turned 16. You did not get a ticket to ride the space shuttle.

And now there are even more things for us to deprive you of.

A recent article on Mashable highlighted products for college kids. While I love Mashable, this author was clearly up against a deadline and (what’s the word I’m looking for? oh, yes) desperate.

The first item on the list is called the Space Bar. No, it is not a bottle of beer defying gravity. It’s a little shelf your monitor sits on that you can stow your keyboard under. Oh, wait. No college kids use desktop computers–they all use laptops. So maybe not a good choice for this article (cute shelf though).

Another item on this well-researched list is the Nostalgia Electrics BSET100CR 3 in 1 Breakfast Station which is a retro contraption that allows you to make coffee, pancakes, sausage, and toast. Simultaneously. I would never make fun of such a device (other than to wonder how one might clean it) because my wonderful friend Peggy bought one at Trader’s World for her son. No word on whether he’s ever used it. But, many college students live in dorms where one needs special permission to have a high wattage curling iron. Cooking devices like this are definitely verboten.

Moving on to: the 1.7 cubic foot frig. In dorm rooms, the frig is there. In apartments, the refrigerator is usually there. If it isn’t, you probably want something slightly larger than the ice cube tray.

Next we have the $300 Pocket Projector Mobile, 85-Lumen that is good for “movies, videos, presentations, and games.” Yup. Lots of college kids trotting around their own projector for presentations.

And my personal fave, the Dyson vacuum. Let’s be clear. I love you. I like the idea of you living in a clean-ish environment (I know you have a broom and I’m pretty sure your dorm has vacuums). But under no circumstances am I buying you a vacuum [for college] that costs more than my vacuum [for our home]. (You do not need to point out that I don’t vacuum. That’s a conversation for a different day.)

Here’s to spoiling our kids by not buying them everything under the sun.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In case you hadn’t heard, it is cold. Cold as in stick your head in the freezer to warm up. Cold as in the mercury has fled to the bottom of the thermometer and is huddling there refusing to peek out. Cold as in negative numbers. Cold.

Not only is it cold (have I mentioned it’s not tropical?) we’ve had a fair amount of snow followed by big trucks  putting down whatever it is they use to melt snow these days.

As you may recall, Booker’s delicate tootsies object—strenuously—to the snow-melting stuff.

Today he took those objections to an entirely new level. Did he pick up a paw for me to clean off (as he has often done in the past)? No, not exactly. That silly little boy tried to pick up all four feet—at the same time. Have you ever seen a dog try to retract all four legs while not lowering his already low-slung body to the ground? It works in cartoons. In real life on a slippery road at 6am, not so much.

So, being the kind of mom that I am, I picked him up before he sprained a stomach muscle (or his ego), wiped off his paws, and put him back down in deeper snow. He took two steps out of the snow, right back to where he’d been, and gave me a reproachful look that said, “Why didn’t you sweep this stuff off the road?” Then he hunched in on himself and refused to move. Coaxing didn’t move him. The Look did not move him. Even when next-door-neighbor Andy backed his car into the road and prepared to run us down (I’m sure he’d have done it gently—he’s a good guy), Booker refused to move. He just shut his eyes against the headlights. Death must be better than walking! Maybe, but I scooped him up and carried him back to our house. He began to shiver to better express the pathetic-ness of his situation.

Once we got halfway up the driveway, I wiped his paws (again) and put him down. I took several steps into the lovely fresh clean snow on our lawn.

Me: Come on, baby
Booker (balefully): Why?
Me: You like snow
Booker (channeling Eeyore): Not today
Me: Come on, baby
Booker: No
Me: Booker, you need to take advantage of being outside
Booker (leaving Woebegone and moving on to Petulant): Do not. I’ll hold it
Me (using my Mom Voice): I can wait
Booker: Fine (two tiny drops of yellow appeared on the snow). I’m going in. You stay here if you want, but I’m going in.

Once we got inside, he resumed shivering to emphasize how it was my fault he was cold and, um, unrelieved.

“There you go,” I said as I finished drying him off. “Ready for breakfast?”

Instantly, all shivering forgotten, Booker became the happiest animal on the planet. Joy radiated from every inch of his being. (There aren’t many inches, but he packed a lot of radiance into each one.) Never before has breakfast been greeted so enthusiastically (Snoopy danced for suppertime, not breakfast). He spun, he skidded across the floor, he raced over to tell his toy skunk, he zoomed back to the kitchen before I could change my mind, discovered I was still taking off my boots, and began the process all over again.

Silly puppy.

Hope your day is filled with more joy and less Eeyore.

Love, Mom

 To everyone hit by Winter Storm Hercules–stay safe!

Dear Kid,

Someone who shall remain nameless (you) suggested we go out for breakfast this morning. Scientists and moms have long known that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Since the earliest cave days, cave moms grunted at their offspring to be sure to eat at least some leg of mammoth before heading off to bop an unsuspecting saber tooth squirrel over the head.

Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.  ~Josh Billings

I love going out for breakfast. There is something more luxurious about eating out for breakfast than any other meal. Not the grab a coffee and go kind. The real sit down and have someone bring huge stacks of pancakes or piles of french toast kind. Happy sigh.

Today, we went to the Original Pancake House and got the timing just right because there was no line. By the time we left, there was a line out the door (restoring my faith in humanity). A zillion years ago when I lived in Manhattan we would go to breakfast at places like Sara Beth’s Kitchen and the Royal Canadian Pancake House and wait in line for days. Yummy food and enough to cover more than one meal. Probably enough to cover a week of meals, truth be told. Unfortunately, waiting in line has been scientifically proven to prepare one’s body for accumulating calories in the hip area rather than revving up  one’s metabolism. Since I was the ‘one’ in this case, we didn’t go out for breakfast too often.

One of the great consequences (can you have great consequences? must think on this) of having a wonderful breakfast is that no matter what happens the rest of the day, you still had a great breakfast. And if that breakfast was at a restaurant, there are no dishes to wash. And if there are no dishes to wash, no one can fuss because the breakfast dishes didn’t get cleaned up. Also, there might be leftovers like the rest of dad’s apple pancake.

I’m assuming you enjoyed the chocolate chip pancakes. They disappeared in record time…

All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast. ~John Gunther

Please continue to eat breakfast when you’re at college. It really is the most important meal of the day. And it tastes good.

By the way, this is the 100th post to the site. Cool, huh? Please celebrate by texting Grandma.

Love, Mom