Dear Kid,

It’s that time of year again. The time we like to call Winter.

Somehow this comes as a surprise to Booker every year. This year, I recorded some of the more interesting conversations he and I have had on our early morning walks.

Puppy: Mom, come smell this!
Me: No thank you
Puppy: You should really come smell this!
Me: No, moms don’t sniff things on the ground
Puppy: Ok, I’ll roll in it and you can sniff me!
Me: Booker!

Puppy: It’s really cold
Me: yup. hurry up
Puppy: I can’t hurry. It’s really cold.
Me: it’s warm inside.
Puppy: it’s too cold to walk home.

Puppy: Where’s the grass?
Me: Under the snow
Puppy: but puppies use grass
Me: today puppies use snow
Puppy: WHAT? that stuff’s cold
Me: it won’t get any warmer while you complain
Puppy: (this is just wrong)

Puppy: We should go outside
Me: It’s cold. You won’t be happy.
Puppy: We should go outside
Me: It’s really, really cold. You won’t be happy
Puppy: !!! Outside, Outside, Outside! This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me!!!!
Me: Hold on, I’m getting my coat and gloves
Puppy: hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
Me: OK. Out we go
Puppy: I’m cold. Let’s go inside

Puppy: I have snow in my toes.
Me: that’s what happens when you walk in the snow.
Puppy: it’s cold.
Me: Snow generally is.
Puppy: I have snow in my toes.
Me: would you like me to wipe off your paws?
Puppy: yes please. This one too.
Me: better?
Puppy: oh, yes… Let’s go sniff THAT snow.

Puppy: My feet are cold.
Me: We still have to walk home.
Puppy: But my feet are cold. I think I’ll shiver and look pathetic right here

Puppy: I have snow on my nose.
Me: That’s usually what happens when you stick your snout in the snow
Puppy: It tickles…and it tastes cold when I lick it off

Puppy: The ground moved!
Me: You slipped on the ice
Puppy: The ground isn’t supposed to move!
Me: It didn’t. You slipped on some ice
Puppy (affronted): somebody should fix that ground

Puppy: There is bad stuff in my toes
Me: It might be the stuff they put down to melt the snow
Puppy: I don’t like it
Me: Would you like me to wipe off your paws?
Puppy: Yes, please. You have warm hands
Me: Not any more

Puppy: Did you know you can smell through the snow?
Me: I was not aware of that
Puppy: Come here, I’ll show you
Me: No thank you
Puppy: Right here, it’s easy
Me: Mom’s don’t sniff through the snow
Puppy: How about right here?
Me: Haven’t we had this conversation before?
Puppy: All this sniffing would go a lot faster if you would help

Me: Didn’t you just sniff that spot?
Puppy: Yup
Me: Any particular reason you’re sniffing it again?
Puppy: You never know what might have happened in the last minute
Me: Fair enough

Puppy: Mom?
Me: Yes baby?
Puppy: I love you
Me: I love you too, sweetie
Puppy: I’m still cold
Me: I know. Ready to go home?
Puppy: Soon. I just need to finish sniffing

Love, Mom

Dear Kid Who Smells Like Short Hair,

Things have gone crazy here.

First of all, Mom and the Kid Who Smells Like Long Hair went to the groomers this morning. I’m really glad I just get my fur brushed and don’t have to get it cut, because it took a loooong time.

When they got home, Mom first helped Daddy stuff and seal A Lot of envelopes (I counted) which he had to mail for Ohio River Foundation. (I like Ohio River Foundation stuff. It smells like River and Mud which is fabulous. The envelopes didn’t smell like River or Mud. When I asked Daddy why he said it’s because they are asking people for money envelopes. I think they would be better if they smelled like River.)

Once that was done, Mom decided it was time to Make Some Progress. Do you know what it means to Make Some Progress? I do. First it mean moving a lot of dust around which made me sneeze. Twice. Then everyone had to help pull things out of closets. Mom went through all the things, found one or two items about which she could pronounce “We Don’t Need That,” and then everything else went back in the closets. That’s what it means to Make Some Progress.

I don’t want to be put in the “We Don’t Need That” pile or be put in a closet, so I’m hiding under the couch with my new chipmunk toy.

Mom says once she finishes this, it will be On to the Next Project. I’m hoping she forgets and decides to snuggle with me instead.

It snowed yesterday. I tried very hard to catch some snowflakes but they all disappeared. I don’t know how they do that and then reappear on the ground. It’s very confusing.

We’re supposed to get ice and freezing rain tomorrow. I don’t like ice so I think I might stay under the couch where it’s cozy. I’m also going to practice my pathetic look so someone will feel sorry for me and feed me treats. I love treats.

Hope someone is feeding you treats.

Love, Booker

Dear Kid,

Well, I messed up. Big time. I gave the puppy (who I know so well) a gift the other night. I was expecting joyous tail wagging and toy playing. Turned out the toy was the equivalent of giving him doggie underwear. “This? This is a present? You want me to play with this? Ah, no…. and it doesn’t even have the days of the week.”

I don’t know how I could have been so far off the mark. It was squishy (his preferred mouth-feel). It had stuffing (all the better for pulling out), it had a squeaker (all the better for squeaking and then pulling out), and Daddy was willing to throw it.

Booker sniffed. He sniffed again. And then he put his head in the gift box hopping I’d made a mistake and that his real present was still in there. Somewhere.

I felt badly. I really did. No one under the age of 25 wants underwear as a present. Most people over 25 don’t want undies either. And I have never, ever met a puppy who put underwear on the wish list.

So last night I gave him a different present. A toy chipmunk. With a squeaker, and a bit of stuffing. And (a new addition to the puppy toy world) some crinkly stuff in its legs.

Booker sniffed. And without even sniffing again, he took his beloved new toy and trotted away where he could tell it how much he loves it (and by “tell” I mean “gnaw”) without interference (while keeping one eye out for thieves and villains who might think playing Snatch the New Chipmunk would be a fun game). Home run! The human equivalent of a car. Or at least a really cool set of headphones.

In other gift catastrophes, I had an excellent idea for Daddy for his birthday. A truly wonderful idea for the Man Who Is Impossible to Buy For. Im-possible. But I, the amazing wife that I am, came up with the World’s Greatest Idea. Under the guise of “running errands” I went to buy said gift over the weekend.

Except it was three times the amount I was prepared to spend. Yikes! Back to the drawing board (with very little time to draw).

Any and all ideas appreciated.

Love, Mom

P.S. Don’t forget to call Dad to say Happy Birthday!

Haven’t Liked DearKidLoveMom? Good heavens, why not? Well, there’s no time like the present (get it? present?). Facebook

Dear Kid,

Of all the interesting celebrity on-again-off-again relationships, the one that interests me the most right now is SnapChat and Facebook. The current rumor is that the two of them aren’t even dating as SnapChat reportedly turned down $3Billion (yeah, that’s Billion with a “B”. Capitalized.) to go steady with Facebook. Personally, I think they are both too young to be dating, but what do I know.

I’m typing with one hand while I sit on the floor with Booker. He’s decided he needs some attention, and every time I stop scratching he give me Pathetic Puppy Pose. Then he nudges my hand to say Why are you stopping? Back to work, mom. Since I’m pretty sure that by “work” he means rubbing his tummy, I am typing single-handedly.

A few days before the snow storm (and by “storm” I mean the quarter of an inch of snow that didn’t melt), Booker found a brown grasshopper out front. I suspect he (the grasshopper) was injured, but not being an Orthoptera (I looked it up) specialist, I can’t be sure. To be honest, I thought it was a big cricket, but dad assures me it was a grasshopper. Anyway, Booker found the Bug and decided to see if they could become BFFs.

He poked it with his nose, and the hopper hopped! That was so much fun, Booker thought he’d try it again. Same result! Do you know how many ways a dogs ears can move? Booker moved his in all those ways simultaneously when the grasshopper jumped. Astonishment doesn’t even come close.

After a careful sniff (one must always start with a good sniff), Booker pawed his new little buddy. Not knowing the secret handshake, the grasshopper jumped. Booker looked up at me to see if I approved of Handshake Avoidance. I told him he was on his own in the animal kingdom. We began the dance again. This time, after a careful sniff (one must always start with a good sniff), Booker picked up his new toy to carry it to the other side of the driveway. After he spit out the grasshopper, I decided the poor bug had had enough for one day and the puppy and I went inside.

We repeated this on our next walk. See what I mean about the grasshopper probably being injured? Booker sees it as his job to be Friends with Most Things Smaller Than He Is, but how dumb can a grasshopper possibly be to stick around and be slobbered all over? On the other hand, the grasshopper didn’t become a mid-morning snack for any of the birds around here, so maybe he liked swimming in puppy drool. What do I know about grasshopper fetishes? After a few days, we didn’t see the grasshopper anymore and there was no forwarding address so I cannot say what the end of the story might be.

Do you think there’s a parallel between Booker and the Grasshopper and Facebook and SnapChat? The idea of Facebook drooling on SnapChat is slightly revolting…

Have a great day, sweetheart. Try not to slobber on any of your friends.

Love, Mom

Haven’t Liked DearKidLoveMom on Facebook? Do it quickly before you have to compete with all those folks from SnapChat!

The Young Grasshopper reference is from the original Kung Fu television show. But you probably knew that…

Dear Tall Boy Person,

Mom is upstairs but she left her computer down here so I thought I’d help out by writing to you.

I have so much to tell you. Woof!

I was sick, sick, sick for a few days and no one even offered me chicken soup. I had to go to the Stick You In the Paw people and they gave Daddy medicine for me. It tastes really bad, so yesterday I spit it out and no one noticed (hee hee hee). Then Mom and Dad decided they felt bad for making me take the icky stuff so now I get cheese before my meals!!! Isn’t that cool??? It’s a new kind of cheese that’s yellow-orange and has a crunchy part in the middle, but who cares because it’s CHEESE!!! I love cheese!!!! Even without the rest of the medicine I am Much Better and back to being me.

I’ve also been Very Busy taking stuffing out of my toys so that they fit in the toy bin better. Also because it’s fun to take the stuffing out. I practically turned the Blue Owl inside out. Have you ever seen an inside out owl? I’ll keep chewing it for you. Since I finished that, I’m now working on taking the stuffing out of the Squeaky Skunk’s head. In my considered opinion, he looks much better with a flat head in my opinion.

Mom had started collecting Dog Facts for today’s blog. Since I am much more of a dog expert than she is (what with being a dog and everything), I have included my comments so you will understand everything better. Aren’t I a helpful puppy?

The phrase “raining cats and dogs” originated in 17th century England. During heavy rainstorms, homeless animals would drown and float down the streets, giving the appearance that it had actually rained cats and dogs and proving that even before the internet people would believe almost anything.

When Lord Byron was informed that his dog was not allowed to come with him to Cambridge Trinity College, he retaliated by bringing a bear instead. My kind of dude. But not sure why you’d want to hang out with a bear…

Kubla Khan owned 5,000 mastiffs. I wasn’t there to count them so the count might be off one or two. I’m not sure if this makes him a great guy or a hoarder.

Scholars have argued over the proper interpretation of Dorothy’s dog, Toto, in the Wizard of Oz. One theory suggests that Toto represents Anubis (the dog-headed Egyptian god of death) because “Toto keeps Dorothy from safely returning home.” Way to ruin a good story guys. But kudos to the Egyptians for recognizing the Power of the Pooch.

In Palding, Ohio (at the corner of absolutely nowhere), it is legal for police officers to bite a dog to quiet it. One has to worry about the police force in Palding. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. I cannot even bring myself to comment on this.

Dachshunds were bred to fight badgers in their dens. Bookers were born to fight Squeaky Skunk in the family room.

Dog nose prints are as unique as human finger prints and can be used to identify specific dogs. I’ve left plenty of mine on the car windows and the windows to the back porch in case you get confused about who I am. Also, since most of us have black noses, you can’t tell when we’ve been nose-printed by the fuzz.

A person standing still 300 yards away is almost invisible to a dog. But a dog can easily identify its owner standing a mile away if the owner is waving his arms. I can hear a banana being peeled and tell who’s doing the peeling from any point in the house (not much point in asking Dad to share because he never does, but Mom and Pi are very good sharers).

One female dog and her female children can produce 4,372 puppies in seven years. Be responsible with pet ownership.

“Greyhound” comes from a mistake in translating the early German name Greishund, which means “old (or ancient) dog,” not from their gray color, which is dumb because why would you call a puppy old? The average dog can run about 19 mph. Greyhounds can run at speeds of 45 mph mostly because they are trying to prove they aren’t old.

A beagle has now been trained to sniff Polar Bear poop to tell if the animal is pregnant. That sounds like an awesome job! I love the smell of poop.

I’ve included some random pictures of random dogs randomly taken. I hope you enjoy them.

Booker, I said Take Your Nose Off My Computer!

Gotta go nap!

Love, Booker

 P. S.

I got great new treats that I will share with you (if mom lets me) when you get home.

B