Dear Kid,

Today is National Armed Forces Day. (It’s also National Waiters and Waitresses Day which I suppose in some instances is like being in battle, but since the worst that will happen in a restaurant is a chocolate stain, I’m going to focus on Armed Forces Day.)

Sometime in the past (after History was born but before the current millennium), there were Days in the US set aside to recognize the different branches of the military. President Harry S. Truman (who really had no middle name—just an initial) established a single holiday “for citizens to come together and thank our military members for their patriotic service in support of our country.”

On August 31, 1949, Secretary of Defense Louis Johnson announced the creation of an Armed Forces Day.

Today is a day of graduation parties, of finishing high school and looking ahead to the next chapter.

For those going to college, congratulations, study hard, and read DearKidLoveMom. For those going into the work force, congratulations, work hard, and read DearKidLoveMom. For those going into the military or an ROTC program, congratulations, serve proudly, and thank you for your service. And read DearKidLoveMom.

To all those who have served or who are currently serving, we thank you.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The next kale has arrived. This is a good thing, because the last kale was, well, kale.

Just to be clear, kale is not a vegetable. Kale is a garnish that people discovered you could turn into chips by drowning pieces in oil and spices. As “chips” kale became a great conveyor for salt and you could barely taste the kale part.

As far as some of us are concerned, even that much kale was pushing it. Which is why you’ve never been served kale in our house. (Yes, I am just anti-kale and you’ll just have to accept me as I am.)

The newest food trend is—are you ready for this?—chickpea water.

It sounds better if you call it aquafaba, but whatever you call it it’s the stuff you pour off when you open a can of chickpeas.

The good news is no one is suggesting drowning chickpea water in salt and oil and somehow turning it into chips.

The better news is it’s not kale.

Cooks and bartenders are using aquafaba as an egg white substitute for all sorts of things like meringues and whipped cream and ice cream and those creamy drink things that bartenders make with raw eggs. (Not sure where to classify raw egg consumption on the ick scale, but I’m guessing it lands pretty close to kale.)

The cool part is that people are reducing waste by taking something that was just going down the drain and turning into YUM.

I haven’t decided if I’m going to follow the trend and try using chickpea water to make meringue. But I have to say, I’m a bit intrigued.

And it’s not kale.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, in a not-so-nice part of Greece (back in the time of Mythology), there lived a king named Sisyphus. By the sound of his name you might think that he was bullied a lot. You would be wrong because he was meaner, nastier, and more powerful than anyone else. Also he was king and had a lot of soldiers at his command.

Sisyphus had lots of bad habits like chewing with his mouth open and killing travelers and guests. (Killing guests back then was an especially Wrong Thing To Do.) But Sisyphus had a marvelous time being a despot and decided that Manners weren’t going to intrude on his tyranny.

For reasons that are complicated and not all that interesting, Zeus got good and mad at Sis. Zeus ordered Thanatos to chain up Sisyphus in the lowest level of Hades.

On the one hand, Thanatos was a minor figure in Greek mythology. On the other hand, he was Death, so chaining people in Hades was well within his job description.

Sisy didn’t really like the idea of being chained up, so he tricked Thanatos by asking Thanatos (who after all wasn’t the god of wisdom) to demonstrate how the chains worked. Flattered, Thanatos obliged and Sisyphus trapped Thanatos in the aforementioned chains.

Back in the rest of the world, while Thanatos was chained up no one could die. For a short time, this wasn’t a big deal, but people were pretty accustomed to Death, especially the warriors who liked to see people die (because that was the whole point of fighting). Ares (our favorite god of war) was particularly put out, so he freed Thanatos and turned Sisyphus over to him.

Because of his trickery in this and other things and his hubris in thinking he was more clever than Zeus (have we not been clear that it is never wise to think you’re smarter/prettier/stronger than one of the gods), King Sisyphus was punished. And the Greek gods were known for their ability to punish people.

Sisyphus was made to push an enormous boulder up an even more enormous hill. Only just before he got to the top, the enchanted boulder would roll away from him and to the bottom of the hill. Rinse and repeat for all eternity.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you heard the news about the bison?

For the first time EVER We, The People, have chosen a national mammal.

(Yes, the new mammal is the bison. Or buffalo if you prefer.)

Bison are bigger than you. Male bison can weigh up to 2,000 pounds and female bison weigh about 1,000 pounds. Clearly bison are not saying “no” to Oreos.

Bison are faster than you. They run between 35 and 40 mph.

Bison are shaggier than you. Even during November.

Bison can use their heads to shovel snow.

Bison have lived in Yellowstone since prehistoric times. Not the same animals.

Now Congress has passed the National Bison Legacy Act which says that bison are just as important as the American eagle. Upon learning of this new honor, the Chief Head Number One Bison said she’d herd.

The American eagle went into a snit, perched on top of a mountain, and refused to be interviewed.

The oak (our national tree) stood tall with the mammals, while the rose (our national flower) said it was a thorny situation.

Congrats to the mammal!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there weren’t any roller coasters. This was sad because the amusement parks couldn’t charge billions of dollars for admission.

In the 18^th century, the Russians decided to build ice hills around St. Petersburg with big slides, inventing the luge, the need for steroids, and laying the foundation for today’s roller coasters.

Because this is History, no one can agree who turned the icy hills into roller coasters, but that’s OK because it won’t be on the final.

Time passed because it didn’t have anything else to do. By the late 1800s, people in Pennsylvania could ride the “Gravity Road” (which had originally been used to deliver coal). The ride cost 50 cents which is roughly a gazillion dollars (or one rapper) in today’s currency.

Because it was expensive and riders took their lives into their hands every time they boarded, the ride was hugely popular. In no time at all, there were equally dangerous rides in Coney Island and Atlantic City.

Did I mention the dangerous part? Yep, that shut the coasters down for about 50 years.

In 1912, John Miller (famous for having a ridiculously generic name) invented the underfriction roller coaster. Underfriction is the way roller coasters hold onto the track with their wheels. Think slippery sloth.

Meanwhile, the riders invented the ability to hold their arms in the air.

In the last hundred years or so, roller coaster enthusiasts race to invent crazy new twisters while other roller coaster enthusiasts race to ride them.

For quite a bit more than 50 cents.

Hope you have a fairly straightforward day without the need of a lap bar.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, “the pill” didn’t exist.

Amazingly, pills existed but no one had thought to put “the” in front of them. So there were pills for this and pills for that and even pills for the other thing, but the “the” hadn’t been introduced to society.

On May 9, 1960, the “the” was introduced. It’s not clear if it was such an important invention that it got its own “the” or if sex (and therefore birth control) was something people whispered about (like cancer) because it might be contagious.

Seriously, back then people whispered about cancer. This is true.

Turns out that in 1873 men (emphasis on men) passed a federal law called the Comstock law which prohibited disseminating information about contraception because it was obscene. Amazingly, all the men that passed the law had sex which was (apparently) not obscene. People can be twits about things that don’t impact them and/or that they know nothing about.

Work on “the pill” (as it was not yet called) began in the 1950s, but it took until 1960 for the formulation to be finalized, tested, lobbied for, and approved by the FDA.

Development of “the pill,” as it became popularly known, was initially commissioned by birth-control pioneer Margaret Sanger and funded by heiress Katherine McCormick. Sanger, who opened the first birth-control clinic in the United States in 1916, hoped to encourage the development of a more practical and effective alternative to contraceptives that were in use at the time.

Since then, the pill has been widely used to prevent pregnancy (obscene) and acne (perfectly acceptable).

The only reasonably conclusion from all this is that a government of the people, by the people, and for the people needs to include people who don’t all look, act, and talk like each other. This will not prevent us from having a government full of twits, but should help balance out things. Political lecture over.

Love, Mom