Dear Kid,

We interrupt World Cup Soccer to bring you World Cup Referee Discussions. About which there has been much.

Since other people are talking about refereemanship (new word, do you like it?), I thought I’d join in. Especially because it gave me the opportunity to make up the word refereemanship.

First up, we have the Mexico v Netherlands match this past Sunday. Mexico lost. They’re making it clear it was the ref not the players who lost the game and they want the ref to go home because they have to go home. I’m guessing they don’t want him to leave just so he’s free for a quick drink at the local pub.

Here’s what happened. There was a penalty in the 88^th minute. The issue is that Dude took a dive a few times earlier in the match and yelped about it. Apparently enough to get the 88^th minute call. The Mexican coach believes the Diving Dude should have been given a yellow from the get-go, or at least at the first dive.

Mexico has had official officiating issues during the World Cup (in their game against Cameroon they had two goals waived off because of off-sides calls which might not have actually been off-sides, and there might have been a handball that wasn’t called in the game against Croatia).

Meanwhile, for the US v Belgium game (later today), there have been questions about Djamel Haimoudi, the Algerian referee who has the gall to be able to speak French. US coach Jurgen Klinsmann didn’t exactly challenge the referee to be impartial, but if one were to spend time reading between the lines one might find an entire novel (or at least a novella).

Meanwhile meanwhile, we have an American referee moving on to the Round of 16. Three cheers (or a few more if you prefer) for US citizen and FIFA referee Mark Geiger. He will was the head referee dude in the France v Nigeria game (along with Canadian Joe Fletcher and American Sean Hurd). They reff’ed brilliantly even if Mark didn’t have the gall to speak French. Or even the Gaul. (Your line: Oh, Mom, you are hilarious.)

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It won’t surprise you to learn we’ve been watching a lot of soccer recently. There’s that World Cup thing going on you know.

I know soccer is a physically tough demanding sport. But I’m so surprised by the number of shots that aren’t even close to being shots on goal. These players are the best players in the world—it seems like they would come closer for the majority of shots. Even hockey shots that miss tend to come closer and the goal is a lot smaller. Can’t say I really understand it.

I heard a great quote about soccer. A woman on NPR (don’t ask me who, I missed that part of the conversation) said that—as a short woman—she was absolutely in favor of a game where the best player in the world is 5’6”. Yep, that about sums everything up from my point of view!

Referees are allowed to stop play during the World Cup 2 or 3 times due to weather conditions. This is a most excellent decision. No one quite knows what the criteria are around calling a water break, but given the location (Brazil is great, but major soccer playing in this weather? Seriously? Almost as smart as Winter Olympics in a beach resort town. Oh, yeah. We did that this year too.) In my opinion, this is not only really smart for the players and officials, it is an important message for little soccer wannabes around the world. Water is critical. Drink more. Pay attention to your body. Etc.

This is your mother speaking: Take a drink of water. Stay hydrated.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Turns out I know the Top Eater in Cincinnati.

Let me back up. Turns out there is such a thing as the Top Eater in Cincinnati. And he’s one of my co-workers.

We found out when Sean Mulcahey, the eater in question, came back from lunch a week or two ago with a statue the size of small horse. He had just stepped out to eat 10 cheese coneys in 3 minutes. Who does that? Well, Sean.

I found this completely fascinating. Learning about the competitive eating scene was almost, but not quite, as startling as learning about American gypsy culture (via the TV show My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding) but with fewer Swarovski crystals. It’s a culture something about which I knew absolutely nothing so I grilled (maybe I should have sauteed him?) Sean (after giving him some popcorn to get the taste of cheese coney out of his mouth).

Are you familiar with MLE? Yes, we have another sports (sports?) acronym in our world. Major League Eating represents the top eaters in the country. These are the folks who snort down 7 billion hot dogs in 12 seconds. And competitions go so much farther than Nathan’s Hot Dogs. There are tater tot eating competitions, oyster eating competitions, grilled cheese eating competitions, pie eating contests, peeps eating competitions….you get the point. If it can be digested, it can be an eating competition.

Many of us have been known to pack away an entire package of Oreos or a gallon (or two) of ice cream in one sitting. We thought we were pros, but it turns out we are the rankest of amateurs.

Professional eating is about huge volume in zero time. Think vacuum cleaner of eating. This sort of eating makes Booker look like a slow, dainty eater. Get the point?

Back in the olden days, eating competitions were held at county fairs and other friendly local events. You went, you ate, end of story. Today, Major League Eating (also known at the International Federation of Competitive Eaters) wants to control the competitive eating world. You have to sign their contract to compete in a lot of the events. Which has caused an uproar (or possibly an upchuck) in some circles. But these days there is real money to be made at some of these events. Or free tea for a year. Or a trophy the size of a small horse.

Since Sean is the only Competitive Eater I know (or at least I think he is), I can’t attest to the personalities of most people who participate in eating competitions. I can say that we think Sean is pretty terrific. Also funny. And that’s not just because he has to help me with a major project today.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Crazy News from the FIFA World Cup.

Four years ago, Spain stunned the soccer world with a new style of play. In dominating fashion (according to your father) they used a new ticky-tack approach (which means working passing triangles up and down the field). As far as I can tell, this means possession time is important, which anyone who watches American football already knows. They (and I quote your father) “frustrated opponents with precision passing.” Also they were good. Also they flabbergasted their opponents all the way to total World Cup Victory.

People were so impressed that they wined and dined and posed for photo ops with the Spanish team. And pretty much everyone Expected a repeat. No pressure here.

Over the last four years, people studied this type of play and (ta-dah!) figured out how to defend against it and how to counter attack effectively.

A few days ago, Spain took the field against the Netherlands who promptly took it right back, trouncing Spain 5-0. This is what is technically called A Pretty Big Upset. Unheard of. Messed up a lot of betting pools.

Yesterday, Spain faced off against Chile. No one (except the Moms of the Chilean players) expected Chile to do much of anything in the World Cup.

Proving that Moms are almost always right, Chile was faster than the boys in red and beat Spain 2-0. (Also the Spanish goalkeep had a big oops. He popped a ball right in to the center of the crowd and a Chilean player popped it right back for a goal.)

So the Netherlands and Chile made it out of the group and Spain is done in the World Cup.

In other Soccer World Cup news, Cameroon lost to Croatia 0-4 (not a big surprise especially because they had to play a man down starting before the end of the first half). That means Cameroon is out (you have to read that in Heidi Klum’s voice).

Next Brazil plays Cameroon (guess who is likely to win) and Mexico plays Croatia. Pay attention, this is where it gets interesting. The Big Question is who will win in the Mexico – Croatia game. Croatia has to win to move on. Brazil and Mexico each have four points. Dad says it could be an interesting game. I am (very politely) not yawning.

Belgium looks like a good team in their group, probably because they have good chocolate and French fries (2 of the major food groups).

All of which is good and interesting, but not nearly as good and interesting as the US beating Ghana! Woot!

Celebrate on USA!

Love, Mom

PS Can you tell what Dad and I were talking about last night?

Dear Kid,

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’re playing in the Soccer World Cup.

Turns out soccer players are a little looney. Or at least the people managing them are. According to my friend the internet, some of the teams at the FIFA World Cup in Brazil have asked for some seriously wacky things while they are there.

The French team has demonstrated that they are three kinds of crazy by insisting that the players’ rooms must be absolutely identical (yep, that means down to the same color of paint. No word on whether the toilet paper must have the same number of squares remaining.). They have also insisted that all the soap must be liquid soap rather than bar soap. I absolutely cannot figure out why or how this could matter. If you’re picky about soap, shouldn’t you just bring your own? But apparently it matters to the French.

The Ecuadorian team demanded a daily delivery of bananas (from Ecuador of course) to each player. No risk of low potassium here. I think it’s kind of cute. The team isn’t ranked very well which may be why they also insisted on a welcome BBQ and a video game room. Way to keep your mind on business, boys. Seems like you’re planning to do well in the tourney.

The team from Bosnia and Herzegovina may not win a Darwin Award, but they aren’t exactly setting new brilliance standards. They had a soundproof wall installed where they eat their meals—coaches on one side, players on the other—so as to not hear the other group. Ever hear of separate rooms?

The Iranian team insisted on free dry cleaning, because who doesn’t send dirty uniforms out to be dry cleaned besides um everyone?

The Australian team asked for intravenous drip lines for caffeine, but settled for two huge coffee stations. Speaking of building things, the Swiss had an entire beach studio built to do TV interviews. Not sure why they didn’t ask for a beach for relaxing and/or volleyball, but apparently they didn’t. A custom TV studio isn’t really crazy—pretty much everyone does it these days—but the sand is a lovely new twist.

What would you ask for if you were a world class soccer player on the world’s biggest futbol stage?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As you may have heard, it’s FIFA World Cup time. Which means it’s time to talk soccer.

Not only are the balls newly designed, there are all sorts of other types of gizmos being employed (not talking fan tweets). And being the kind of Mom I am, I have carefully researched the technology involved (and by “carefully researched” I mean consulted my friend the internet).

Being able to communicate is very important, especially in the World Cup where there are competitors from all over the globe. For referees, it’s critical to speak two languages: FIFA and whistle.

Whistles and The Referee Stare may be the oldest (and perhaps most effective) tricks in the soccer book, but that hasn’t stopped the game from introducing new technology.

Once again, referees will be using 9:15, a water-based, shaving cream-like foam to indicate where the defensive wall can stand on a free kick. They will also spray a circle next to the ball to prevent players from scooching the ball a few inches forward. 9:15 is the 10 yard distance in meters—hence the name. The foam takes between 45 seconds and two minutes to evaporate/disintegrate/disappear.

This year, for the first time, Serious Technology is coming to the World Cup. FIFA is using a system called 4D (so named because it uses 14 cameras per match) to determine when a ball crosses the goal line.

When the ball completely crosses the goal line, the referees are notified by a vibration in their watch and a message (the cleverly worded message is “GOAL”).

This technology is really very impressive because it somehow manages to distinguish soccer ball from players, goalie gloves, referees, cups thrown by fans, and the occasional bird. Also it has been guaranteed to “work perfectly.” If it does, it will be the first example ever of technology being released without flaws.

While it is true that police have used tear gas on transit workers (can anything be more important than getting fans to the stadiums—that may or may not be ready for play) there has been absolutely no discussion of using it in the actual games. Although that might cut down on penalties…

The FIFA World Cup runs from June 12 to July 14. See you there. At least virtually.

Love, Mom